Chapter 4: (Not) Breaking the Rules
"Does the 'why' really matter at this point?" he asked, looking into her eyes. "What's done is done. I can't undo it, even if I wanted to..."
"I don't want you to undo it," she said softly, holding his gaze. "I just need to know why."
"How will knowing change anything?"
"I don't know," she replied honestly. How could she possibly explain it to him when she didn't quite understand it herself? "I'm not sure that it will change anything," she added, "but I... I just know that I need to know..."
He nodded, but still said nothing.
"Marshall-"
"You realize this will probably change things for us," he said, interrupting her before she could say more. "Between us," he clarified, before falling silent once again.
"I know," she acknowledged.
Things have already changed between us, she silently added. They started changing long before today...
Sighing, her partner ran his hand through his hair, something she knew he did when faced with a situation he wasn't quite sure how to handle. She idly wondered if she was the situation he didn't know quite how to handle this time...
"All right," he quietly acquiesced, interrupting her thoughts. "But, if we're really going to do this, we're going to need some ground rules."
"Rules?" she whined, making a face.
She hated rules.
Well, to be fair, she had no problems enforcing rules on other people; she just didn't like it so much when she was expected to follow them herself, and Marshall knew that better than anyone. Lord knew she'd broken enough rules in the years they'd been partners, quite a few of them with his help...
"What exactly did you have in mind?" she asked wearily. She knew her partner could be very imaginative when he wanted to, and she was more than a little concerned about what he might come up with in this case.
"Nothing major," he said, looking mildly amused at her reaction. "Just three basic rules ought to do it, I think."
"Sounds reasonable," she replied, thinking that really didn't sound so bad.
She could do that.
She could totally deal with three puny little rules.
She was, after all, a U.S. Marshal. She dealt with difficult situations on a daily basis. She could disable someone with nothing more than an airborne bar of soap; she could chase down a suspect while wearing heels & a bridesmaid dress; she could single-handedly push her stalled car out of the path of an incoming train – still wearing said heels & bridesmaid dress, no less. Not to mention she managed to live under the same roof as her mother & sister without going completely insane. Surely she could handle whatever rules her partner threw at her...
Right?
"Rule number 1: You need to let me speak. That means no interrupting."
"But-"
"Well, that didn't take too long," he said, letting out a frustrated sigh. "Which part of 'no interrupting' didn't get through to you, exactly?"
While she could tell by his tone that he wasn't really mad – yet – she still got the message. Behave yourself or this conversation ends right now.
Besides, she knew he had a point – she did have a tendency to hijack conversations – but that didn't mean her feelings weren't a bit hurt. But since she wanted answers – scratch that, since she needed answers – she was just going to have to get over it.
"I'm not saying you can't ask a question or say anything," he added, sensing her bruised feelings. "It's just that... You're not going to like some of what I have to say... But you need to let me say it... Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," she agreed, taking great care to keep her voice neutral.
"All right... Rule number 2: You need to listen to me. Really listen to me."
She started to protest again – not a promising start to respecting the Rules of Marshall, she realized – but he beat her to the punch.
"I know you, Mare. Right now, you want to say that you always listen to me. But you don't. You know you don't. When it gets uncomfortable, or when I'm saying things you don't want to hear, you tune me out."
She bit her lip and looked away, knowing he was right. She'd never been very good at dealing with emotional stuff, so she just tried to ignore it whenever possible. Her dysfunctional family relationships, along with her inability to sustain any kind of long-term romantic relationship, were proof enough of that...
"I'm not saying this to hurt you," he added gently. "I just need to know you're really listening to what I'm saying, that you're really hearing me, because I'll only say it once. Okay?"
She nodded, not trusting her voice. She was seriously starting to wonder if three rules might be more than she could handle after all...
"Rule number 3: You need to accept that not everything is about you."
She was pretty sure she'd want to protest this rule too, if only she knew what he was talking about. Thoroughly confused, she just stared at him, waiting for an explanation.
"I need you to understand that whatever I've done, whatever I'm about to say..."
He paused, struggling to find the right words.
"What I'm trying to say is that my actions and my feelings are of my own. They are not your fault in any way. And whatever comes out of this – or doesn't come out of this – is not your fault either."
He paused, searching her face for something.
"It's really all about me, this time," he added, his eyes never leaving hers.
She swallowed hard, again wondering if she was about to make the biggest mistake of her life. This wasn't like all the conversations and arguments they'd had in the past. There would be no do-over, no 'let's forget this ever happened.' This could potentially destroy them, she knew. Was it really worth the risk?
Could she go on without Marshall in her life?
"Okay?" he asked, noticing she'd been silent for a while.
"Yeah, okay," she agreed, struggling to keep her voice from cracking and failing miserably.
Every instinct she possessed was screaming at her to stop this now, before it was too late, before she managed to destroy the one good thing in her life...
"You're sure you still want to do this?" he asked, sensing she was wavering, offering her a way out.
"Yes, I'm sure," she managed to croak out.
As scared as she was that she was about to screw up her life beyond repair, god help her, she still needed to know...
"Tell me," she begged. "Please."
