Muatnts in Tights - A parody of a parody

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "The right guy, he's out there. I'm just not gonna go kiss a whole bunch of losers to get to him".

-----------

Woot, I finished my assignment work for this semester! Now all I have to worry about are mid terms, but I can still update, yey! It's SO nice finding you have more time than you originally thought. Okay, things may slow up a bit on the last week of January (becoming to be known as 'EXAM!!! week'), but I should get at least one update up then ;D

-----

ACT 4 - Bad news in a good way

--------------

We head off to a beautiful castle, which we zoom in on, as a southern voice sings from inside. We zoom closer and closer to a window. From within the castle, we hear the Southern voice of Rogue singing softly.

Where is the one


That a'h love most of all?


When will a'h hear him call


Marian, Marian?

"As known until recently", says Jamie, popping out, "Marian is the birth name of the Rogue of Ultimate X-Men, a fact not published when Todd Fan wrote this fic, how's THAT for spooky?!!!!"

There is silence for a moment, before the singing continues.

He is the one


Who can make ma'h life whole


Joyful, forever more

Inside the castle, Rogue is sitting in a bathtub, brushing her hair.

"Naked Rogue!", shouts Jamie, then clears his throat, "sorry"

Rogue blinks at him before going back to her song.

Ah've waited so patiently


For a true love


When will he come for me?


Where is he?


Where is he?


Ohhhhhhh!

Suddenly, there is a shatter and a camera breaks through the window

"Sorry!", calls out Jamie as the camera sinks back out of view, taking broken stained glass with it.

Rogue blinks in confusion.

"Ummm.."

"Carry on!", shouts Jamie, "don't stop singing, we can still make this work!"

Rogue shakes her head, before singing again.

Where is the man


Who carries the key?


When will he be


With his Marian, Marian?

A'h can not wait


Till he sets my heart free


Oh, when will a'h know him?


When will a'h see him?


When will a'h hear him?


Say 'Marian, my love?'

She sighs and stares dreamily into space as her number ends. Wanda, wearing a suit that makes her seems ALOT larger than she really is, comes bustling in with a towel

"Hurry UP mein lady!", she says, putting on a fake German accent, "You better get out of that tub, before that thing begins to rust!".

"Been eating too much chocolate Wanda?", asks Rogue with a sly smirk.

"Tell me something 'Marian'", growls Wanda, "do you WANT to die today?"

Rogue narrows her eyes.

"Bring it on, sister", she growls.

"Alright!!!", says Roberto with a wide grin, rubbing his hands, "half-naked cat fight!!!".

"NO half-naked cat fights!!!", shouts Jamie, running onto the set, "no no no! Get to your work! Roberto, go away, you're not needed yet!"

"Okay", sighs Roberto, moping off, "it's bad enough the show only gave me about six sentences in my entire time on the show, but now I'm not wanted here".

Jamie sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as Roberto vanishes. He points a warning finger at Wanda and Rogue before leaving the set.

"All right Broomhilde", says Rogue with a sigh.

She stands up and wraps a towel around her, showing that she has iron underwear on, including a heart-shaped lock. The underwear has the word 'Everlast' on it

"Hurry hurry, it's freezing", says Wanda

She hands Rogue a nightgown so she can get dressed

"Oh these castles are so drafty", mutters Wanda

She walks over to a fireplace then, despite it being the middle-ages, turns on a tap which makes a roaring fire appear

"Ahhh. Toasty warm", says Wanda with a proud nod, rubbing her hands together.

Suddenly, a little bird appears at the window)

"Oh, Broomhilde look! A happy little bluebird", smiles Rogue, then groans, "...aww man do a'h HAVE to be so cheerfull?!!!".

"I'm underneath five different layers of foam", mutters Wanda, crossing her arms, "...think yourself lucky!".

Rogue walks up to the bluebird and holds out her hand

"Hello", she says with a sickeningly sweet smile.

The bird flies over to her, then lands on her hand

"This means a'h must make a wish", she says, then stares into the distancem as she is prone to do, "A'h hope against hope. A'h wish against wish. That the heavens will be bring me a kind, gentle wonderful man. Who posess the key to ma'h....".

Both girls look down at the chastidy belt

"....Heart".

The bird twitters as flies off.

"Goodbye ma'h little friend", says Rogue waving her hand.

"Oooohhh here birdie!", comes Sabertooth's voice from backstage

We hear the bird scream in terror, then silence

"....Okay", says Wanda, blinking, then pointing at Rogue's hand, "That happy little bluebird had left a happy little doo doo on your hand".

She spits on a tissue and goes to wipe it away, before pausing

"Then again....", she drops the tissue, moving away from Rogue's hand, "no coma for me today".

Rogue stares out of the window and gives a dramatised sigh. We then go on to another part of the castle. Scott runs through the door

"Prince Pie", "I must speak with you!".

Pietro is sitting on a throne, looking very bored, surrounded by servants and women. He has a mole on his right cheek, remember it

"Alright everybody", he sighs boredly, waving his hand, "later, later".

Amanda is still cuddled up to his arm

"La-t-er", says Pietro, looking at her pointedly.

Amanda giggles and skips off.

"Honey?", squeaks Kurt, giving a sniff.

Scott strides over to Pietro purposefully.

"Sire, I have", he pauses, "...news".

"Oooooh I like being called 'sire'", muses Pietro, then looks at Scott, "And what sort of news do you have?"

His face pales.

"It's not bad news is it? You know i can't TAKE bad news", he gives a sniff, "The day started out so good. I got a good night's sleep, I got a three girls' phone numbers, I don't want to hear ANY bad news. Now, what type of news IS it?".

Scott shuffles uncomfortably.

"Well, to be perfectly frank", he says, "...it's bad".

Pietro throws his goblet to the side

"I knew it!!! I knew it was bad news!", he cries, then pauses, "....Wait a minute, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the BAD news in a GOOD way it won't SOUND so bad".

Scott blinks, flumoxed at this.

"The..the bad news in a good way? Umm..yes yes..I can do that", he says, "The bad news in a good way....Ummm..well..here goes..Ahem..Um..."

Scott pauses for a moment, before bursting out into a very, very loud laugh, causing Pietro to jump.

"HA HA HA HA! Wait 'till you hear this!. Hee hee. I just bumped into Remy of N'Orleans. He's back from the crusades. Ha ha ha ha. He just beat the CRAP out of me and my men. Ha ha ha. He hates you, and he loves your brother, Xavier. Ha ha ha. And..tee hee, he wants to see you hanged! Ha ha ha!", Scott gives an unattractive snort, leaning onto the throne for support, "We're in an awful lot of trouble. Ha ha ha!".

Pietro looks at him in sheer horror.

"What are you CRAZY?!!!", she shouts, "Why are you laughing?! This is terrible news!".

"But I..I..you told me", Scott blinks, "..I..I...I was just trying to soften the blow...".

"Well you blew it", says Pietro with a whimper.

"This is a problem, sire, not easily solved", says Scott.

"Yes..you're right. What to do?, what to do?, what to do?", Pietro suddenly grins, "GOT IT!. Latrine! The weird creature in the tower, the one that predicts my future!".

"Oh yes.....Latrine", says Scott, giving a shudder, "Ugh, Boy is she ugly?!".

We move to the tower, where Pietro enters a dark and dusty room, his mole has now moved to his chin

"Latrine?", he calls out, "Latrine, where are you, I must talk to you!".

We hear a scream from backstage and Jean is pushed into the room, her hair has been frizzled out, she had animal carcasess dangling from her battered clothes and she is covered with warts

"I thought the horses rear end was bad!", she whines, "why does Todd Fan hate me?"

"Because the comic version of yourself was instrumental in the breakup of the Forge/Storm relationship Todd Fan loves so much", says Jamie unhelpfully, "if comic you had told Forge that Storm really did love him instead of not giving him a straight answer, thus adding to his kinda paranoid nature, then Forge and Storm would be married and Forge wouldn't be reduced to being a background character who only apears when something needs to be built".

The sounds of an angry Welsh woman ranting can be heard from backstage.

"....Oh", sais Jean quietly, "but that wasn't me...."

"Doesn't matter, Todd Fan will hate your character for all time, in all your incarnations for that", says Jamie, "now, action!"

Pietro, pretending the rant hasn't happened, jumps as Jean appears.

"Argghhh! Kill it!", he screams before letting out a breath of relief, "Oh, phew it's you. Listen, i know your power, what can you tell me about Remy Of N'Orleans?".

"Remy Of N'Orleans? Remy Of N'Orleans?", Jean narrows her eyes, "Mmmm Let me see".

She starts to mix ingredients into a frying pan

"Ravens egg, blood of a hen", Jean pauses, "....little bit more blood, yes. Eyeballs of a crocodile. Testicles of a newt"

She winks at Pietro,

"...Guess he's a transexual now, huh? Hah!".

She stirs the stuff a bit, then looks at it

"Remy Of N'Orleans is handsome and brave. He seeks to regain his family's honour", she looks pointedly at Pietro, "Little sod could be trouble".

"Are you certain?", asks Pietro, sitting forward in his seat.

"Certain?", asks Jean, then huffs, "You want certain, you hire yourself a witch, I'm just your cook! Here, eat this!".

She deposits the contents of the frying pan onto a plate and puts it in front of Pietro. He looks at his meal, and it looks back at him

"Mmm...looks...ugh...fabulous!", says PIetro, grimacing, "....Looks like something Kitty would cook".

He scoops up an eyeball and tries to eat it, only to spit it out, it bounces across the table. Pietro whimpers slightly, before chosing to wisely take attention from his 'food'.

"Such an unusual name, Latrine", he says conversationally, "How did your family come by it?".

"We changed it in the ninth century", says Jean

"You mean...you changed it..", Pietro blinks, "TO Latrine?".

"Yeah, used to Shithouse", replies Jean, then narrows her eyes, "I really hate Todd Fan"

"That's a good change...a good change!", says Pietro with a nervous laugh, "Now, how about this Remy fella?, how can I stop him?".

"Maybe I could devise a magic potion. One that would make him unable to preform the slightest task", grins Jean, then holds up a finger, "But in return, you must help me".

"What are you kidding", grins Pietro, "Name it! Anything you want!".

"Put in a good word for me with the Sheriff of Rottingham", she says, "I've got the hots for him! Purrrrr".

"Ugh", says Pietro, rolling his eyes as Jean skips to a hidden curtain.

"I've got a likeness of him in my boudoir", says Jean.

She pulls back a curtian revealing a life-size cardboard cut-out of Scott. She hugs him while Pietro looks on, disgusted

"Ooooh Rotty, Rotty, Rotty", purrs Jean, snuggling up to 'Scott'.

"Oh Gods, she's making her bedroom eyes", says Scott from backstage.

"I am amazed!. To think that a handsome guy like the Sheriff of Rottingham would ever want a creature like you...".

Jean glares at PIetro for his comment.

"Well....if you're gonna PUNCTURE my dreams", she says, "...you can forget about my promise to help you!".

"No, wait wait wait, wait, wait", says Pietro, rushing over to her, "Maybe if we got him drunk...".

Jean turns to smile at him

"......VERY drunk", adds PIetro with a grimace, "...you got a shot".

Jean giggles happily as we zoom in on the cut-out, who has suddenly got a VERY worried look on his face

"Man, I love my job", grins Jamie.

-----

Another chapter done! Do review. Until next time...