I couldn't spend as long as I liked on this chapter – so I apologize for any crappiness in advance. Thank you all for your reviews… I appreciate them even if I can't always reply x

Eleanor Rigby, picks up the rice

In the church where a wedding has been

Lives in a dream

Waits at the window, wearing the face

That she keeps in a jar by the door

Who is it for?

- Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles


"Let me," Edward's fingertips were warm as he took the necklace I was struggling to hook up. My eyes floated to the full length mirror in front of us, and the reflection almost fooled me.

I wore a maroon, silk backless gown that swept the floor; my hair was curled and fell in gentle waves over my left shoulder, leaving my right bare. A simple chain with a diamond fell close to the curve of my breast, twinkling merrily in every direction, like it was mocking me with its cheerful audacity.

Edward's head was slightly bent behind me, his bronze hair combed back and his suit crisply ironed and fitted, stretched at his biceps as he fiddled at my neck. His bow tie was hanging loosely around his collar, and now as his nose almost skimmed my hair, we looked like the quintessential couple. Like we didn't hold any secrets, or have a slow-burning sorrow encasing every breath that we took.

Finished with his task, Edward took a step back. His hand rested for a mere second on my bare forearm and my eyes darted to his in the mirror, catching.

His smile was slow and solid as his gaze drifted over me tenderly. "You look beautiful, B."

I let my lips curve upward, nodded and then looked away, breaking the connection.

Edward cleared his throat, and walked to the dressing table and picked up his watch.

I knew how much this day meant for Edward and that my excuses would wear thin no matter how hard I made them. I couldn't deny him this, despite how much I wanted to take my usual place in front of the TV.

The hospital soiree was an annual event, attended by all the medical staff, and was used to celebrate the victories of the year gone by. It was hosted by the chief, and it was something Edward and I attended every year. I knew it meant a lot to him – so I went. I would play my role today. I would give this to him as a thank you. It was the least I could do. Those were the thoughts that haunted me when we rode the cab in silence.

The soiree was hosted at the top floor of the Hyatt in central Manhattan. The gallery was decorated with fine art, the canapés and drinks abundant, the waiters friendly without being over-eager. Touches like the low lighting and spiral staircase that led to a free bar and a three-man jazz band made the whole atmosphere surreal, like we had stepped into the modern world of the Great Gatsby.

The elegantly dressed crowd, as usual, was getting drunk too fast and laughing too much. For a second, I was caught off guard by the buzz of noise and clinking of glasses. For a woman who had lived in isolation for so long, it was too overwhelming, but then I took a deep breath and masked my feature something soft, more fitting.

I could be the best actress in the room.

~~~~X~~~~

"This boy has had his fingers in more chests than I've had in pussies!" Brad laughed, clearly drunk as his chagrined fiancée, Toni, rolled her eyes at his language.

Brad and Edward had graduated together— I'd known him since our Cornell days. Brad was still the same drunken, loud-mouthed frat boy I'd known him to be years ago. Only now, he had a M.D. to his name.

"You haven't lost your tactful way with words," Edward said, a smile touching his lips and his hand resting on my lower back where the material of my dress ended. Every time his thumb moved from the dress to my skin, a shocking thrum encapsulated my senses, making my skin tingle and my knees weak.

It took everything within me not to pull away from him.

"You know what I mean, bro," Brad continued. "Despite how much I may moan about the chief dabbling in preferential treatment for his favorite heart surgeon, even I praise you about the adeptness of your fingers." He used both his fingers to toss away a kiss. "And what adept fingers they are… you must agree, Bella…" He chuckled.

I bit the inside of my cheek and Toni huffed.

"…and we're leaving," she said, pushing him out as he made drunken protests and Edward laughed.

"I'll catch you both later. Bella call me!" Toni air-kissed us and Edward turned to me.

"I think he's getting cruder with age." I tightened my hand into a ball when the back of his hand brushed the bare of my back – because even though Brad might be crude, it's not like he was entirely wrong about Edward … and his fingers….

I took a deep breath.

"You look beautiful, sweetheart." I recognized the familiar voice and was glad to move forward, away from Edward's touch.

"Hello, Carlisle." For the first time all night, possibly in months, my smile was genuine.

Carlisle kissed me on the cheek and gently squeezed my shoulder in a paternal manner before addressing Edward. "Here's my favorite boy. Finally."

"You've already been accused of preferential treatment," I said.

"Not preferential, completely fair." Carlisle commented seriously.

"Already they say my head is too big to fit through the door," Edward quipped and they both chuckled. It was genuine laughter, and something inside me softened. Edward's parents, Mason and Elizabeth, had worked with, and been good friends with Carlisle before they retired and moved to Ireland. Meanwhile, Carlisle had taken up a protégée/father relationship with Edward. Those who accused him of favoritism probably weren't completely off, even if Edward was one of the best.

"Edward! My god, it's been so long." Next to Carlisle, stood Victoria. She was his only child and was a chip off the old block. She had inherited Carlisle's pale blue eyes, offset by her wavy red curls and pearl skin. She worked alongside Edward as a cardiac surgeon, and most of the time, I was in awe of her. Victoria's smile was big and beautiful as she kissed Edward on the cheek and turned to me. "Hi, Bella."

"Hi, Vic." I smiled as she took me into her embrace. "How was Europe?"

"Exquisite. I want to live there. I insist on it. Although Daddy is not too pleased about my little revelation."

"You're not going anywhere," Carlisle reprimanded playfully.

"You've always had the travel bug." Edward mused.

Victoria pouted playfully. "I regret not being able to go to Ireland. I wish I had. I would have dropped in on Mason, Elizabeth, and your cousins. You know how much I enjoy being the unwelcome guest."

"They would have loved to have you."

"Next time for sure. Hm...oh! That reminds me. I have photos - lots of them. You must see!" Victoria pulled out her phone and scanned through photos of her travels as Edward and Carlisle leaned over her, peering at her phone, and commenting.

I watched them in silence. It was strange how I was stood right next to them, but felt like I was in a different world; somehow on the outside, looking in. "That's a great shot…" Edward said and I stepped back. I let myself move further into the crowd, and further, until I was leaning over the metal railing, staring at the bright lights and buildings of New York below me, like little pins on a map, shimmering and sending out sparks of lucid white.

The whole of Manhattan waited below me – it was like the whole world. I was so insignificant …. so separate from the chatter of medicine and merry behind me.

A long time ago, that world would have interested me, perhaps even made a little sense. I would have wanted to know more about what my husband did, and what the people he worked with were like. Unlike Edward, I wasn't born to into this world, but it had never been any different. I used to be a part of this family too.

But now, I was lost in the laughter, far away from the conversation. Neither here nor there, I dissolved into the shadow, my flowing dress like a cape of armor, as I liquefied in the corner.

My eyes drifted to Edward in deep conversation with Victoria. Their rapport was easy and light. Twice, he laughed loudly. It looked like life was coming back into him. Like he was without a worry in the world. Like he used to be before, when he looked at me.

There.

It was at that moment when everything became clear. Clearer than it had been in a long, long time. Clearer than my hardening heart, than the mixed feelings of love and defeat I felt when Edward was near. Why I had hidden my husband's wedding band. Clearer to me than anything else at that point– how Edward would move on and whom he would move on with. She was perfect for him. She made him happy.

I didn't.

Couldn't.

For what felt like hours, I stood in the corner and watched people move and sway around me. They laughed and drank, living in the moment, nurturing their friendships like it all meant something.

I watched as Carlisle easily and gracefully charmed the room – the crowd hung on and laughed at his words, his eyes ever so often roaming back to his daughter – a real sentiment that said so much. No matter how old your children were, they always would be a part of you that you felt the most strongest and most protective about.

Victoria's laughter rose like warm air and spread like champagne bubbles through the air. I watched silently, as Edward's gaze shifted around the room, from group to group – searching like he'd lost someone, as others 'borrowed' and introduced him. His mask of friendly respect never changed, but I could tell from his stance that he was getting more and more restless as he was pulled into the crowd. I was the real observer though, — I counted the minutes that my husband scoured the crowd and looked over heads, searching. When would he give up looking for me?

I watched him with the fascination of a detached scientist. Why did he stay? Maybe he remembered those times. The times years ago, when we'd look at each other and there was only love without regret; those times when we were teetering over the daunting line of post-youth and the only right was the burning in his eyes. Maybe he remembered long nights spent on a single student bed making shadow puppets on the ceiling, getting too excited about the possibility of the uncharted future, and experimenting with our mouths and bodies.

The hand that landed on my back was gentle and undemanding.

The chief looked down at me and smiled at me in my corner. I had been found.

"Are you okay there, Bella? If you go any further back, you're going to fall over the rails." His eyes twinkled with mirth and there was no judgment in his voice.

"I... um," I cleared my throat. "I was … looking."

He looked over my shoulder at the points of light below me.

"It's quite a sight." Carlisle nodded. "Sometimes when we step out of our own little bubbles, we see so much more than we ever care to comprehend."

I smiled bitterly back at him. "Sad, isn't it?"

Carlisle's eyebrows furrowed in contemplation. "Sometimes revealing, even beautiful." He raised his hand and put it over mine. "Come with me."

And just like that, Carlisle forced me back to the real world. He introduced me to some faces that I knew, others that were as welcoming as if I had known them all along. They all gushed when he told them I was 'Edward's wife.' I smiled and played along because that's what I was. For today.

Carlisle gently swerved me into the veranda, next to the restroom and just then Edward turned the corner, clearly breathing a sigh of relief when he saw me.

"Bella," He said, walking toward me in three easy strides. "I've been looking everywhere." There was only concern in his eyes, and guilt swallowed my body.

"I introduced Bella to a few friends of mine," Carlisle said before I could speak. "She's all yours now."

Edward's features visibly softened as he placed his palm on my cheek like I was made of china.

"Excuse me, kids, the party is missing me." Carlisle winked and was gone, and Edward didn't even ponder a look at the man that had put his discomfort to rest because he was too focused on me.

"Good, I found you now." His eyes were glazed from alcohol but full of concern. "You want to go home?"

I was surprised that he wanted to go so early. Usually, we stayed late, often a lot later. Then again, Edward caught my moods like no other—he knew when I wanted to stay and when I wanted to escape and I'd been wanting to escape for a long time, preferably so he could continue to talk to Victoria.

In the cab, he was restless. His eyes lingered on me, my neck, and often to the curve of my breasts. He wanted me in the way any man would want his wife. It was just that when he was drunk he didn't hide it so well.

We didn't talk about this.

We didn't acknowledge it.

It just was.

Edward was always considerate, although I knew if I gave him any hint that I wanted him, he would not pass on the opportunity.

I never did.

Tonight, drunken Edward was making it known that he missed me.

He threaded his fingers through mine and pulled me so I was closer to him. He talked about the night in soft whispers and ever so gently, he kissed the side of my neck. I closed my eyes and suppressed the urge to moan at his tickling breath on my neck.

So long.

God. Too long.

I let myself rest against the solidness of his chest and buried my face into his shoulder as his fingers tenderly slid up my spine. In the back of the cab like this, it was safe. I could pretend we lived in a different reality, where this was still okay. Here, in the back of the cab, I wouldn't have to let him inside and have him undo the walls that were keeping me safe, or have to answer questions that he'd no doubt ask.

He held tight to my hand as he paid the driver and didn't let go until we were inside the dark apartment. "Hey," he said as soon as we entered and I took a step back. I was somehow pinned against the door. It was like Edward's eyes were glowing from the light streaming from the moon and, more than anything, I wanted to kiss him, I wanted him to kiss me, but it was too overwhelming, and there was so much feeling that my body shook, so I put my hands between us on his chest.

"I can't," I pleaded. "I … just can't right now."

Our breathing was rougher. I could feel the desire burning rouge on his cheeks. He wanted me because it had been almost a year. He wanted me because he was a man. He wanted me because he felt me lie next to him each day, but slip further away.

He probably wanted me, because he wanted to make it all better.

Edward let out a large exhale then another and closed his eyes tight like he was in pain. He moved further forward, until I had to drop my hands from between us to give him room and I thought he might be angry, that he might call me out for teasing, but he simply rested his forehead against mine with his eyes still and closed.

"I'm sorry."

It was simple, soft and sorry.

Then he pulled himself away and walked to somewhere away from me.

I took a deep breath.

Me too.

~~~~X~~~~


The blare of music bounced through my skin and enveloped my warm body, I'm not sure if it was the heat from the gyrating crowd or the alcohol that warmed my cheeks, but it didn't matter because all I could feel were rough palms on my hips, caressing my legs, pulling me as I pushed harder against him.

So good.

Crazy.

It was crazy to be so consumed...

My arms came up behind me as my hips rocked, weaving into the sweaty strands of Edward's neck.

My heart thumped even harder when his moist lips touched my bare, damp shoulder and then my neck. I could scream from what he did to me.

I could melt.

I could die.

I turned so I only saw deep pine. Bottomless. Mine.

"I love you."

A whisper. A confession. The only truth that I knew.


Couldn't do this without my beta and pre-reader. Astro and Hadley – you rock.

Let me know what you think! :)