December 23, 2006

The Fat Muggle Murderer

Harry looked at Ron in surprise. "What in the name of Merlin are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm clogging the fireplace," said Ron, "why?"

"Uh, because normally, people do not clog fireplaces with a pile of something that resembles jelly," said Harry.

"This is Anti-Muggle cream, for your information, mate!"

"What?"

"Oh, right, you wouldn't know, would you? Every Christmas Eve we have to put this stuff in our chimney so the Fat Muggle Murderer won't get in," Ron explained casually as he wiped more of the jelly stuff in the fire place.

"Ron, what are you talking about?" inquired Harry, seriously pondering whether his friend was still sane.

"Well, every Christmas Eve, a murderer comes onto the roofs of houses and tries to kill everyone inside and steal all of the presents!"

"Ron, are you talking about Santa Clause?" asked Harry.

Ron gasped. "We speak his name even less that Voldemort's!"

"Whoa, Ron! You just said Voldemort!"

"Don't say that name either!"

"I know that, Ron, now what is your issue with Santa?"

Ron fell from his knees, twitching on the floor.

At that moment, Fred and George walked into the room. "What happened—"

"—to him?" the two asked in unison, looking at Ron.

"I asked him why he thought Santa Clause was a murderer and—oh my God." Harry didn't bother finishing as Fred and George fell to the floor as well, twitching and shaking.

"What's going on in here?" asked Percy.

"They're having issues with Santa Clause," but as soon as Harry uttered the name, Percy joined the twitching party on the floor.

"Harry? Is something wrong?" asked Mr. Weasley as he and his wife stepped in.

"Santa Clause."

The same effect held.

Bill and Charlie then walked in. "What's going on?" Bill asked.

Harry sighed. "Santa Clause-phobia is going on."

"Oh."

They fell as well.

"Why am I here again?" asked Harry to no one in particular.

"Uh, for Christmas, remember, Harry?" said Ginny from the door way. "You start asking about the Fat Muggle Murderer?"

"Yep."

"You say his name?"

"Uh-huh."

"Okay, well you do know that'll now he's going to come here, right?"

"What?"

"Yeah, that's why you can't say his name and—"

Before she could finish, there was an explosion from the chimney. "HOHOHO!" came a shout from behind the dust.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE!" shrieked Ginny!

"Don't worry, I know how to defeat him!" yelled Harry. "I learned this off of a video game that Dudley was playing!" He paused to draw breath. "Esualc Atnas!"

"What the hell was that?" asked Ginny.

"By saying his name backwards, I have defeated him! And now I shall—oh, oh crap, oh he's not dead…uh…well this is awkward."

"Hohoho! Now I shall kill you all and steal your presents!"

"Okay, I know exactly what to do now!" exclaimed Harry.

"What's that?"

"RUN!"

And so, Santa Clause killed the Weasleys except for Ginny who is currently in hiding with her soul mate, Harry. No one got presents that year except Santa, and after supposedly defeating Harry, he took over the world in all his jolly evilness.

The End