Chapter Four
He sat on the edge of the barely-cushioned chair and craned his neck to see around the corner for a glance of Kate, but saw nothing of her, only the always-moving medical staff of New York Presbyterian.
"Dad?" Matthew asked, almost drowned out by the humdrum of the waiting room. The nurses station was in constant flux of staff stepping in, stepping away, and next to Castle and Matthew, a mother issued orders to her three children to stop touching everything.
"Yeah, bud?" Castle leaned back into his chair. No sign of Kate and given the overcrowded state of the ER tonight, probably no chance of seeing her anytime soon.
Matthew's fingers worked over the cardboard edge of a party hat until it bent easily in his hand, crinkling the edge inward. Somehow, in the rush, the party hat made the trip with him.
What a way to spend the rest of his birthday.
Matthew's brown eyes flicked up to his. "I'm bored."
"I know." Castle sighed, dug into his pocket for his iPhone. "You can play a game if you want."
For once, his technophile son turned down the offer. "I don't feel like it."
When the double doors swung open again, Castle's gaze was inexorably drawn back to them, shifting to see into the hallway. Still nothing. Wasn't sure why he kept trying.
He should be in there, supporting Kate, helping her talk with the doctor and comfort the baby, but Matthew practically burst into tears himself when he admitted Maeve's screams were hurting his ears in that small exam room. Kate had insisted on being the one in the room with Maeve. So here he and Matthew were.
"Dad." Matthew's voice was still hushed, but flush with annoyance.
"Sorry." He put his focus into his son, freshly eight years old and absolutely miserable already. They'd barely made it through dinner before the baby started a crying fit. An hour later, Kate came to Castle with Maeve in her arms. "Something is different." She'd said. "Something is wrong with her." He didn't question her. After all these months, they both noticed a change in the pitch of Maeve's cry, could both admit it sounded not quite right.
Castle rested his palm on top of Matthew's head, gave him a playful shake. The waiting room was bare, just a few rows of chairs lining the walls and a coffee machine in the corner reminiscent of the one he's replaced at the 12th when he first started shadowing Beckett. "What do you feel like doing?" He asked, knowing their options were quite limited.
"Tell me a story?" Matthew's brows lifted eagerly.
"Sure." Castle agreed. It was more of their bedtime ritual, stories before bed, but given the circumstances... "Let's see. Do you want to hear about time-traveling pirates? Or -"
Matthew was already shaking his head. "No." He looked hesitant, which only piqued Castle's interest. "Not the usuals." If those doors swung open again, he wouldn't notice now. "Could you…?" Matthew's gaze was back on the paper hat he rolled between his hands. "...tell me the story of the day I was born?"
Castle's breath snagged in his throat. "Buddy, I wasn't there."
"I know." Matthew shrugged one shoulder. "But you can make it up. Like you make up the other stories." Those brown eyes swung imploringly back to Castle, filled up with thinly veiled hope.
Castle drew in a sobering breath, suddenly felt like this storytime with Matthew held so much more weight. But he could do this.
And it was Matthew's birthday. He could give his son this story.
"Alright." Despite the day's events, a smile poked through. "A little over eight years ago, your mom and dad were eagerly waiting for you to arrive."
Matthew pulled his heels up onto his chair and sat cross-legged, his gaze fixed on Castle.
"Your mom had been in labor for several hours now all through the night, but she was very strong. And she was so ready to meet you. Excited and terrified at the same time, just like your dad. Just like any good parent is."
Matthew's smile flourished at those words, causing a lump to rise in Castle's throat. What Castle thought about Matthew's birth parents... that was important to his son, wasn't it?
"And when it was time for you to be delivered, the doctor helped you along and just as the sun was peeking over the horizon, a hearty cry changed the atmosphere of the whole room into a celebration. 'It's a boy', the doctor said and she let your dad cut the cord. They cleaned you up and guess who held you first?"
Matthew's brows quirked, but he stayed quiet. Enraptured.
"Your mom did. They placed you right on her chest and she kissed your forehead and your eyes and your little nose, every part of you that she could reach. Your dad patiently waited for his turn to hold you - because your mom had definitely earned hers - but he couldn't help his fingers tracing over your silky dark hair, your smooth little back. He reached for your hand and you curled your fingers around one of his and held tight. You were perfect and you were theirs and they'd never felt such boundless love until that moment when they met you. Just by showing up in their lives, you filled them up with love." His voice shook with the image he painted for Matthew, with memories of his daughters' births seeping into his son's tale. When each of his girls were born… there was nothing like it. Those powerful moments had to have been the same for his sweet son. "Oh, did they love you, kiddo." They had to love him. This kid? He was amazing. The ones who brought him into this world must have seen it, too.
"What about the rest?" Matthew asked.
"Rest of what?" He cleared his throat, still stuck on priceless memories of new life, of what the beginning of fatherhood could look like - although, with Matthew, the beginning had looked a lot like tantrums and trials and falling hopelessly in love with the five-year-old that turned their lives upside down. And he wouldn't change a thing about that.
"You know, the rest of the story. With you and Mom." Matthew gave him an expectant look, all too disappointed that it was taking Castle this long to catch on.
"Right." His lips curled into a smile. How could he forget? "On the night you were born, when you were about twelve hours old, I was releasing my latest Derrick Storm novel. We threw a huge party on a rooftop with the stars overhead. Back then, it was just me and Alexis. And during -"
"You forgot Gram." Matthew cut in.
"Right. Me, Alexis, and Gram." Somehow, he hid his smirk. "During the party, I was telling Alexis why I had killed off Derrick Storm. Back then, life was predictable. Boring."
"But you bring Derrick Storm back…" Matthew cut in again. "You didn't really kill him off."
"Yes, well, that's all true now, but..." He hadn't known then what was about to happen. He couldn't have foreseen Kate, his muse, his best friend, his love. She breathed life back into every corner of his existence, inspired the words that filled several more novels when he thought there was nothing left in him. Kate, his partner in crime and in life. He had her to thank for this rich life. Back then, it had been him and Alexis and his mother and he loved those days, but now? His life held even more that he could've believed possible.
He swallowed thickly. Trust this day to get to him. Every single time.
"But this was before, Matthew. I thought I did kill off Derrick Storm for good. I wanted something new, but I couldn't put my finger on it, and then," The words failed him. How should he say it? This watershed moment that launched his life onto a new trajectory. The night he met Kate.
"And then... Mom?"
A smile stretched across his face. "And then... Kate." He echoed.
Brevity. That was how he said it.
He got a little caught up in the nostalgia. The minutes ticked off on the waiting room clock as Castle went beyond that night, spun the whole tale of the first case for Matthew. How they became partners in crime before anything else. He told him about the victims, the false lead, how he forced himself into the investigation much to Beckett's chagrin.
How they caught a killer together.
"Did you date her after that?"
"No. Not for a while. But I started shadowing her on all her cases."
"Why didn't you date?"
Castle drew a slow breath. "Oh, that's a story for another night."
One of Matthew's feet slipped back over the seat and swung like a pendulum. "...Ok."
The lull had his mind racing back to Kate and his little girl and how they'd already been here for an hour.
"Hey," He waited until Matthew's eyes found his. "I bet we can scrounge up some treats. You up for it?"
Matthew's smile didn't reach his eyes. "What about the cake?"
"It'll still be at home when we get back. Come on."
"I can still have some?"
"You bet."
He sent Kate a quick text - should they just so happen to finish up with the baby while he and Matthew were no longer in the waiting room. Instantly, he saw her typing a reply.
Spoke with 2 nurses so far. Still haven't seen the damn doctor.
He inquired about the baby, only to hear back that she was still inconsolable.
A heavy sigh escaped him. He should be in there.
"Dad, there's a vending machine." Matthew tugged on his arm.
Somewhere between fishing for small bills in his wallet and Matthew pulling a rice crispy treat out of the machine, his heart sunk in his chest.
Not how Matthew's birthday should've gone.
He just wanted his baby girl to be ok, to be able to take all of them home and salvage what was left of the night.
"Is she gonna be alright?"
Castle startled from his reverie, almost unnerved by how perceptive Matthew could be. "Yeah, bud. The doctor will take care of her." If he or she ever made it in to see Maeve...
They shuffled back to the waiting room, finding it still packed and their own two seats now occupied. Matthew glanced around helplessly and he suddenly seemed to be very tired.
"Come on, let's go for a walk."
"Where?" Matthew muttered. Maybe he was just tired of being here.
"I don't know." He tucked Matthew against his side, one hand loosely holding his shoulder. They walked away from the ER, ambling their way down a long hallway. Large, framed photos of nature were spaced along the white walls.
"Kiddo, I know this isn't what you wanted for today and I'm sorry."
Matthew didn't react to his words one way or another, just kept right along at Castle's side.
"You ok?" When he still didn't speak, Castle stopped in his tracks. "Matthew."
He crouched down to Matthew's height, his hands at Matthew's elbows. Tears were spilling down Matthew's face and his breath stuttered with the cry he was holding back. Castle's heart wrenched. "Buddy, is there anything I can do?"
He knew he couldn't do much, but maybe…
Matthew shook his head, gently tugged his way out of Castle's grip, and kept walking. Castle froze, watching him go for a few paces on his own in the quiet hallway. Watched as Matthew wiped away his tears with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. Castle stood to his feet and followed his son, but didn't rush to catch up with him, letting the boy have a moment of space. Letting himself have a moment to think this all over.
A pervading, persistent thought almost came tumbling out, but he hesitated to voice it. What if it did more harm than good? It was so… stereotypical and stupid. So unlike their family. Of course Matthew didn't think…
He watched his son walk with his gaze down. It was Matthew's birthday and they'd made another milestone in his young life about Maeve.
"Matthew."
Maybe it was the heaviness in his tone that made Matthew turn on the spot and look at him, but suddenly, he had the boy's attention again.
"You don't think that we love Maeve more than you, do you?" He could hear his own heartbeat in his ears and knew it had nothing to do with the walk, everything to do with the way Matthew didn't instantly respond. "Because we don't." He said quickly in the face of Matthew's silence. "We love you both very much and -"
"Well, you're always taking care of her!" Matthew snapped. His bottom lip quivered and he wouldn't look away from Castle's gaze. Waiting for something to be proven to him, either if he was right or if he was wrong.
The very horrible thought he'd pushed away and insisted couldn't be true… Not for them, he'd thought. Not for their family. Castle felt a sting of tears in his eyes and rolled his jaw to release some of the tension that simmered beneath the surface.
His boy...
"You never do anything with me anymore. Not without Maeve there, too." With that, the dam broke ‒ Matthew burst into tears. Castle's feet carried him forward but Matthew took another step back.
"Ok." Castle murmured placatingly, dropping to one knee where he was. "Matthew, I'm not mad at you for saying that. I could never be mad at you for being honest with me."
Matthew wiped again at his tears. He seemed to sag under the weight of his words now that they were out in the open. Nothing else came pouring out of him except a few soft cries.
"You're right. Ok? You're right about us always giving our attention to Maeve. And it's not fair to anyone, especially you. I wish I could say exactly when it will get better, but that's the frustrating thing about colic. We just don't know why Maeve has it or when she'll grow out of it. But I promise it won't last. I know it's frustrating. I'm frustrated." Matthew didn't respond and the ache in his chest sharpened. "But we don't love her more. I promise you that's not what this is."
"Rick?"
He glanced over his shoulder. Kate stood at the other end of the hallway, Maeve passed out in her arms.
"Hey." He rose to his feet. Matthew streaked past him, burying his face in Kate's stomach. Her hand cradled the back of his head and her gaze swung questioningly to Castle.
Later, he mouthed. Out loud, he asked, "How is she?"
"Ear infection." She sighed, easily relinquishing Maeve when Castle reached for her. "They gave her baby tylenol."
Maeve stirred during the transfer, but she curled into Castle's neck almost immediately and heaved a little sigh there. "Hey, baby girl, you're alright."
"Let's go home." Kate murmured. Matthew had twined his arms around Kate's waist now that Maeve was gone. "Hey, birthday boy, we still have cake to eat." He looked up at her and she wiped his tears without questioning him, but Castle saw the heartache in her gaze.
Matthew's bedtime had come and gone by the time they all trudged wearily up the steps to their front door.
"Small slice of cake and then it's lights out for you, Mattie Bat." Kate steered the boy directly into a seat at the breakfast bar, most of the house still dark except for a few dimmed lights.
Castle's hand rubbed slow circles on Maeve's back as he took careful, slow steps to the kitchen where Kate deftly scooped a piece of cake out of the pan and onto a small plate. She stuck a heavy candle through the top of the slice.
The number eight. Castle watched as Kate lit the candle.
"Happy birthday to you…" Kate began, low and soft, but still cheery with a smile on her face. With one arm securing the sleeping babe, Castle dug into his back pocket with his free hand and came up with his phone, swiping open the camera. If nothing else, they should at least have a cake photo for this poor kid today, to remember that this night wasn't perfect, but he was still loved. Oh, he hoped this kid knew how much he was loved.
The lighting was still dimmed so Matthew's whole face glowed when Kate set the cake in front of him.
"Make a wish, baby."
Matthew's eyes squinted shut and his shoulders straightened with a long inhale of breath. He blew out the candle with such force that the eight toppled over.
"Good job." Castle chuckled.
Matthew picked up his fork and started eating. Kate's gaze kept finding Castle's and he knew she wanted to know what exactly she'd interrupted in the hospital hallway. Soon, Kate, he wanted to tell her.
"I'm going to put the baby down for the night." He whispered, dismissing himself. For the night. That was a hopeful phrase. This could either be one of their truly sleepless nights, depending on how Maeve was feeling, or maybe tonight they could all truly sleep.
Maeve didn't even stir when Castle lowered her into the crib. They'd only just moved it back against the original wall today after patching up the hole Castle had made. They'd have to repaint to cover the spackle, but it wasn't high on their list. And at three and a half months of age, it wasn't like Maeve cared how it looked.
He stayed only for a moment to see that she was settled before returning to Kate and Matthew. His son was still at the breakfast bar and Kate stood on the other side, leaning on the countertop with her elbows. When Matthew shoveled the last bite of cake into his mouth, Kate took that moment to lean forward and brush a kiss to his head.
"Ok, p.j.'s and brush teeth." Kate said.
"And then reading?" Matthew asked.
Kate glanced at the oven clock. "Not tonight, bud. It's a school night."
"Be right up to tuck you in." Castle added as Matthew brushed past him on his way to the stairs.
"What happened tonight?" Kate asked as soon as they were alone. Castle took a few steps forward and wrapped Kate up in a hug. She welcomed the embrace, tucking her face in against his chest. Long night for both of them. "You ok?" She prodded.
"Yeah."
"You sure?"
"I don't know." He rested his cheek on the top of her head. "You were quite the ferocious mama bear in the ER tonight."
"You're changing the subject."
"A very astute mama bear." He counted it a victory if humor could survive even these last few months.
She pulled back a little to look at up and him and ‒ yikes. What a look. Eight years later and she could still cut his antics down with one look. "Castle. What happened with Matthew? Why was he crying?"
"We messed up, Kate. Not tonight ‒ I don't think we could've done anything different tonight. But Matthew is struggling more than I thought and we haven't ‒ at least I haven't ‒ been there for him."
Kate sighed and burrowed back into his embrace. "Not just you."
"We need to do something special to celebrate his birthday. God, we're really striking out this year. His birthday and his adoption day… both ruined. I think we… Kate I know you hate the idea but I think we might actually need to get a babysitter for Maeve. Just once. Just so we can take Matthew out, only the three of us."
She had stepped back from his embrace and now she pushed her hair back with her hands, that momentary pause to think it over. "Yeah. I do hate it but I also think you're right. Maybe my dad or your mom could watch her. Someone who already loves the baby enough to stay with her for a few hours before running away screaming."
He snorted softly. "Yeah, I can't really argue with that."
She looked absolutely crestfallen as the truth of his words settled in.
"Hey," He pulled her back in.
She sighed against him, but nothing more. After a moment, she pulled away again. "Come on, let's go tuck in our kid."
He followed her up two flights of stairs to Matthew's room only to find that Matthew had fallen asleep waiting for them. "That's strike number three."
"Hush." Kate said, pulling the covers up around their sleeping son. She leaned in to press a kiss to his cheek and then moved for Castle to have a turn.
"Sweet dreams, Mattie." He kissed his forehead. "Tomorrow will be better. I promise."
Thoughts?
