Chapter 4

Author's Note: Hi Girls! I'm soooo happy about your reviews. Really. Thanks very much. And big hug to Rach for beta this chapter sooo fast.

"… I hate you Joseph," said Clarisse finally, then there was silence for a few minutes.

She needed time to process what had happened just then. There was a feeling of emptiness mixed with fear. She had to collect her thoughts, but she not quite get it together, this was so new and frightening…

"So?" asked the doctor. "How do you feel? Better?"

"I… I don't know." answered Clarisse frankly. "It's just a bit too new to me. You know…"

"Are you hesitating?" He said and stood up to walk around to her.

"I just…" Clarisse started but she could not finish. She started crying.

"Ok. Ok." sighed Dr. Monroe with a smile and squeezed her shoulder. "Let's start at the very beginning..."

"Do we really need to do this?"

"I think you have to collect your thoughts. You've come a long way, and we have to save what we've built in the last few months. Is that ok?"

"Yes. Yes. Just do it." nodded Clarisse and leaned back to pull herself together.

"So let's see what we know…" The doctor continued speaking…. "Your problem is…"

"… Love." Clarisse finished the sentence without hesitation.

"Exactly. And what is so wrong with that?"

"Oh my God! We've talked about this a hundred times before…" She was upset now, but continued speaking. "I cannot afford it. I cannot lose everything because of a man… Because of a man who means everything to me. Oh my God." Her voice was only a whisper now. "Do you see? That's my problem. I'm in love. No, I mean, I'm madly, deeply in love with Joseph, but I cannot do this. I cannot live with him, because I'm suffering all day long because we can never be together, and I also cannot live without him, because I… I just cannot go on without his loving eyes, his arms around me… I mean nothing had happened but when he is near me, I lose control. My head is switching off. I'm just staring into his comforting, warm, brown eyes, and I simply forget everything. And it scares me. It scares me to death," Clarisse cried. "What if I lose control and let him to kiss me? I know I would not been able to resist him anymore, and I would give up everything immediately. My country, my duties, my whole life. Everything I have suffered for. I cannot allow it. I just cannot."

"So you are not satisfied with your life," said the doctor. He tried to enumerate the reasons. "That means you have to do something against it. But only if this is really what you want."

"Oh, wish I could know what I want," laughed Clarisse sarcastically. "But I have to do the right thing. My duties -- I took an oath… But no-one ever told me that I will spend every day of my life to longing for love, for a man who loves me, probably more then I could dare to imagine. He is just watching me with those loving eyes, searching for hope, and I cannot give him what he deserves. I have to look away, and try to concentrate on something else, but it's BLOODY hard with this sentence in my head. I CANNOT get it out of my head. And these days, I catch myself repeating this one sentence over and over again. It's in my head all the time, everywhere, in a meeting, in the shower, during breakfast, while I'm talking with someone, just over and over again. Just this one bloody sentence. 'Joseph I love you.' Do you know how hard this is? Hm? I cannot concentrate on anything else. 'Joseph, I love you. I love you. I love you. Oh, damn it!" She sighed and hit the table from frustration.

"But you know that there is a solution for your problem… If you will repeat the opposite of the sentence, you can get it out of your head."

"But it's so hard to say that - 'Joseph I hate you.'"

"But you also hate him. Don't you?" asked the doctor softly.

"Yes… Yes, I think you're right. Well, not really. I mean yes, I hate him because of what he is doing to me, but I cannot be angry with him."

"But you want to be angry, right?"

"Yes, of course! I desperately want it. This is the only chance to get rid of his effect on me."

"Then concentrate on the helplessness he caused you."

"Ok. I'm trying to concentrate on that." She took a deep breath. "Joseph… I hate you. Yes, I hate you. I hate you. I HATE YOU."

"Well done, Your Majesty." smiled Doctor Monroe. "Just hold on and if you think once more to love him…"

"I will repeat immediately that 'I hate him.'" said Clarisse determined. "But… I wish I didn't hate myself too for loving him…"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"OK people." said Mia with huge enthusiasm as she pulled her chair up to the worktop. "Maybe plan A was a bit… shocking."

"I should rather think so," answered Joseph.

"Ok, ok. I admit it. But… we won't stop. Our next action is gonna be a peaceful but very effective one."

"And what is it?" Charlotte was extremely excited. "Come on Princess! Tell us!"

"Alright. I was thinking of a movie night… Hey, take it easy. Take it easy," smiled Mia and held up her hand, because everybody started protesting. "It's not a simple movie night, right? The film is gonna be a horror movie, with tons of scary scenes, and you know what that means… Grandma could snuggle up against you, Joe. And you will protect her…"

"That's all very promising…" started Joseph. "But there is a little problem with that…"

"Namely?" asked Mia.

"Clarisse will not watch horror films."

"Oh, that's just a minor detail Joe."

"Really?" asked Joseph challengingly. "And how do you plan to get her to watch a horror movie?"

"Joe, you are really hopeless sometimes." Mia laughed. "She is always saying we should spend more time together, so I'm gonna mention a movie night, just the two of us. Believe me, she won't refuse."

"But if it's a movie night for two, how can Joe seduce her?" Charlotte asked.

"Oh, Char. Is that a serious question?" Mia laughed. "We need protection on a simple movie night too, and you're gonna pop in also, 'cos you are always wanted to see this film. And if we're gonna be all together, she would not say a word. It's secure, four people watching a movie together."

"And I'm gonna sit next to her?" Joe asked. "Don't you think that's a bit obvious?"

"Oh, not at all. You old people- sorry Joe- will sit in the front line on the comfortable sofa- also to have better access between the two of you. And we, younger ones at the back, and we can sneak out at the right time. Ha-ha. So do you agree with me?"

"Yes Princess, I always agree with you," answered Joseph. "But what if I have doubts about it?"

"Just concentrate on a very essential question Joe…"

"And that will be…?"

"Grandma wears stockings. Not tights, not socks."

To be continued….