Edward's head hits the table with a loud thunk. Groaning, he slumps farther onto the wood and wraps his arms around his head, trying to hide from the rest of the world.

It's been a horrible couple of days.

"Seriously, dude. Don't give up. You've got like, three hours until you have to start driving to your parents' place. That's plenty of time."

Edward can hear Jake pace back and forth on the other side of the table, shoes squeaking against the kitchen tiles. He imagines Jake's arms waving around in the broad, careless gestures he's prone to making when he gets worked up about something. Usually, Edward would be watching him, amused, just waiting for him to smack himself in the face or something as his motions got more and more erratic, but right now he can't work up the energy to even lift his head.

He keeps his head buried in his arms, despairing.

"Have you called Angela? Maybe you can talk her into skipping out on Ben's family and going to yours instead. She owes you a favor, considering it was you who introduced them to begin with. Then you dumped her, leaving them free to run off together, and God knows that guy is so crazy. Hell, his family is probably crazy too. You know what?" Jake snaps his fingers. "I bet you'd be doing her a favor!"

"Called her," Edward mutters into the smooth, wood surface of the table. His voice is muffled, and his breath makes his face and the spot of table its pressed against damp with humidity. "She reminded me that both she and Ben hate me now then hung up."

"Shit." Jake keeps pacing. "Well, what about your other exes?"

"Kate also hung up on me. Jane laughed for two minutes before hanging up."

Jake's shoes stop squeaking. "Man, Ed. Are there any exes of yours who don't hate you?"

Edward thinks about this for a moment. It's true, almost every relationship he's been in, no matter how short or long—mostly short—ended up with the other party hating him, usually because of how he'd abruptly end things, right around the time things started to get serious. The only exception to that would be Deb, who tried to be his friend after a short period of not talking. But that situation was different from the rest. Deb had been—

He cuts that thought short, sitting up with a sigh. "No," he mutters to Jake, rubbing a hand wearily over his face. "I think we should just give up. I'm tired. These have been the worst fucking two days of my life."

Jake rolls his eyes. "They haven't been that bad."

Edward gapes at him. "Jake, I got kicked out of the mall for sexual harassment," he says incredulously. "They threatened to call the cops on me! And that was after two separate guys tried to kick my ass for hitting on their girlfriends." When Jake has no reaction to this, Edward goes on. "At the park I got threatened to be reported to the police three separate times, and the last girl I talked to was a paranoid schizophrenic, who freaked out because she thought the whole thing was some plot made up by the military who wanted to kidnap her and stick a microchip into her brain. How is that not 'that bad'?"

Jake just shrugs. "I've had worse days."

Edward stares at him in disbelief for a moment before figuring that, yeah, Jake probably has. It's a comfort to know, Edward thinks, that no matter how screwed up and pathetic his life gets, Jake's will probably always be more so.

"So, you see," Jake says seriously, gesturing dramatically with his hands, "things can always get worse. And you've still got three hours. We need ideas."

Edward slumps in his seat. "I've got nothing." His stomach churns as he thinks about showing up at his parents' house without a girlfriend. He imagines the expressions of disappointment and pity on their faces as he explains that he's failed at yet another relationship, just to add one more thing to the constantly growing list of things he's failed at.

"Come on, Eddie," Jake wheedles. "You can't just give up like this…" His argument is cut off by the doorbell ringing. He raises an eyebrow at Edward. "Expecting someone this early in the morning?"

Edward shakes his head, no idea who could be at the door.

"Maybe it's one of your exes. Decided they were gonna go with you, after all," Jake suggests, but his tone is filled with doubt.

Edward snorts and shakes his head as he gets up and walks out of the kitchen. "Somehow, I don't think that's going to happen." When he swings open his front door and sees the person on the other side, the thought that immediately runs through his mind is that he wishes this girl were one of his exes. Or, rather, a future ex, actually. Something to look forward to, and then another thing to fail at.

Though, looking at her, he'd be hard-pressed to try to find a reason to break it off.

"Good morning." The girl smiles at Edward, her bright brown eyes sparkling. "I'm collecting charity donations to build a new community center for downtown. Would you care to take a few moments and…" She trails off as Jake steps up behind Edward, standing on his tiptoes to peer over his shoulder. The girl's eyes widen. "Hey!" she gasps, abruptly losing the pleasant manner and polite smile. "You guys are the assholes from the mall the other day!"

Edward slides a nervous glance at Jake. Is this one of the girls he talked to? He couldn't remember all of them. He smiles uncertainly and rubs a hand over his neck. "Uh…" He really hopes this girl isn't about to threaten to kick his ass. He's had enough of that already. "I don't know what you're talking about?"

The girl narrows her eyes. "Yeah, it is you. You're the guys who walked right by the donation bucket, saying you didn't have any change on you then stopped. To buy...a Coke." She punctuates her sentence with sharp jabs at the air in front of her with the big, yellow envelope in her hands, face screwed up in an angry, dangerous expression.

Jake scoffs behind Edward. "Please. Everyone walks by those buckets. The only people who don't are the ones with some trash they want to get rid of."

If possible, the girl's expression darkens further, and Edward is suddenly feeling like the lowest of the low, right down there with puppy kickers and people who skin cats for fun. "Right," she bites out. "And I doubt you would be interested in donating some money for a community center either." When Jake just scoffs again, she gives an irritated roll of her eyes and turns around, ready to dismiss them and walk back to the street.

She barely reaches the bottom step of the stoop before Jake lunges forward and snatches her wrist. "Wait!" The girl jerks back around, staring at Jake in shock.

"Dude." Edward shoots Jake an incredulous glance. "What are you doing?"

Jake gives him an intense look, not letting go of her arm. "Think, Edward, it's perfect."

"Perfect for what?" He has no idea what Jake's talking about.

"Yeah, I would like to know that too," the girl snaps, tugging at her arm in an attempt to dislocate Jake. She fails, which isn't surprising. Edward knows from experience that Jake has a grip like a particularly clingy octopus—you just can't get him off you.

"Your parents. Christmas," Jake answers. "It's perfect."

Oh! Oh no. No, no, no.

Edward shakes his head. "We can't do that," he denies, trying hard not to cower at the truly fantastic glower the donation girl is giving them both. The only thing worse than Edward showing up at his parents' without a girlfriend, would be Edward showing up with a girlfriend who hates him.

But Jake shakes his head back at him. "I'm telling you, man. This'll work. Hey!" He turns to the girl, jerking her a little closer. "What are you doing for Christmas?"

The girl scowls. "Not that it's any of your business," she snaps, "but I'm volunteering at the local soup kitchen."

"See?! She's not doing anything!" He turns to grin triumphantly at Edward. "It's perfect. She's perfect."

Edward takes a long look at the girl. She certainly looks perfect, petite and fit, which is obvious even under the light jacket and scarf she's wearing. She has light brown hair, full kissable lips and bright brown eyes—eyes that are hard and glaring from beneath furrowed brows, even as they flick back and forth between him and Jake in confusion.

Edward sighs. As much as it would fix all his problems to introduce this girl to his parents as his date for Christmas, he already knows there is no way he can talk her into it. "Forget it, Jake. This was a stupid idea anyway. I'm just gonna have to call my family and explain everything." He considers using the break-up with Irina to beg out of Christmas dinner this year. His stomach drops at the idea of skipping Christmas, but the thought of facing his family as he is—a failure—is even worse.

Jake shakes his head. "I'm sorry, man—but as your best friend, I can't let you do that."

"What are you guys taking about? And what do I have to do with it?" the girl asks, trying futilely to tug her wrist from Jake's grasp…again.

Jake reaches behind him. "Really, Eddie," he says, "this is for the best. I'm just looking out for you, man." With that, he pulls a pair of handcuffs from his back pocket.

"Jake, what're you—"

"Hey! What do you think—"

There's a flash of silver and a snap, and both Edward and the girl fall silent, staring in shock at the shining metal cuff clasped around her wrist.