Forgiven
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story. I am merely borrowing them from the lovely JK Rowling for a bit. No copyright infringement intended.
Rated M for sexual content, language & possible violence.
Author's note: I would love to hear from any of you! Hope you're all having a fantastic day.
Chapter 4:
"Your son had a single task, Lucius..." Came the familiar voice, "He was chosen."
"He's just a boy master!" Draco could hear his mother pleading, dropping to her knees as tears streamed down her cheeks. Her dark dress robes pooled around her as she sobbed silently into her hands.
"Enough!" The Dark Lord hissed at the blonde woman begging at his feet. "I am speaking to your husband Narcissa. You will get your turn…" The pale being that towered over both his parents continued, "He has failed to complete his task and you have both failed me…"
"My lord please," Lucius said his voice almost unrecognizable to Draco as it was laced with something he had never associated his father with; fear and weakness. "We have faithfully served you from the beginning. And as my wife has said, he is just a boy… not even of age..."
"And what is your definition of faithful, Lucius?" Voldemort said calmly, sounding slightly amused. Draco's aunt Bella began cackling wildly at this, her eyes bulging from her head, her dark frizzy hair shaking with each tremor of her body. Draco could hear his heart beating in his chest, every hair on the back of his neck was standing on end as he watched his father struggle to find words.
"Please…" was all he came up with. Bellatrix erupted in another fit of laughter.
"Silence Bellatrix!" Voldemort bellowed, pointing a long finger in her direction. She instantly stopped and regained her composure. "Is that all Lucius? These are the words you have chosen in an attempt to spare the lives of your loving wife and only son?"
"Mr. Malfoy!"
"Mr. Malfoy!"
"Mr. Malfoy!"
Draco awoke suddenly, sweat covering every inch of his body. He pulled the damp sheets from himself, gasping for breath as he sat up searching for whoever had been saying his name. He finally turned to see Professor McGonagall standing to the other side of his bed, looking concerned. He had never been so happy to see her in his life. In fact he had never actually thought he would be happy to see her.
"Mr. Malfoy, are you alright?" She asked. "I didn't mean to give you a fright."
He nodded his head, trying to control his shaking hands as he moved them to push his hair from sticking to his face. He knew he wasn't very convincing but she seemed to accept his answer.
"You're alright to leave after you drink this" she said. She handed him a small vial of a greenish potion and he gave her a questioning look. "It's a bit of the antidote we gave Potter. It won't hurt you, just a precaution."
He took it from her and swallowed its contents, silently praying that that was true even if he hadn't drank the original potion in the first place. He groaned as he sat up, his head pounding as his hangover began to kick in. "Can I leave now Professor?" He asked.
"Yes, you've been excused from classes for yesterday but as for the ones you skipped…" She made a soft tutting sound with her tongue. "You are expected to make those up. Now hurry along, breakfast ends in twenty minutes!" She left the room, her green velvet robes billowing out behind her.
He climbed out of bed feeling somewhat disoriented. He found his clothes and put them on, struggling to tie his tie as his head continued to ache. He pulled his robes on and gathered up the rest of his things. He wondered if he would be able to make it to the dungeons for his books and to breakfast without being late for his first class.
As he was exiting the room, he walked past Potter. He could tell he had regained his vision because he was wearing his glasses and was up walking around collecting his things. Their eyes caught for a moment and Harry gave him a sincere nod of his head. Draco kept his face neutral and left the room without any sort of acknowledgment at all.
As the weeks passed Draco grew used to sleeping very little due to his nightmares. It caused him to spend a lot of time by himself, especially at night. It also made him extremely touchy and many of his friends had begun to avoid him. The only plus side to this was that his homework was always done. On this particular Thursday evening he sat in the Library alone, pouring over his Charms book. The words had begun to blur together hours ago and his eyes stung as he forced himself to keep them open. He finally gave up, glancing to the clock and realizing dinner was almost over. He gathered up his things and headed to the Great Hall.
He took a seat beside Blaise and across from Pansy and Astoria. Along with not being able to sleep Draco had also lost his appetite. He took a drink from his goblet of pumpkin juice and tried to force himself to take a bite from a dinner roll.
"Was beginning to wonder when you would turn up," Blaise said with a laugh.
"I was just in the library," he mumbled holding back a yawn. Blaise must have read his tone because he turned to Pansy and continued talking to her about some Divination homework they had. He had dropped it his fifth year and lost interest in the conversation immediately. He looked at Astoria, finally acknowledging her presence with a nod. He was somewhat disgusted at the effect his attention had on her but he ignored it. She was twirling some spaghetti around the end of her fork, the noodles wrapping around the prongs with each spin of the utensil.
"Have we got practice tonight?" she asked with a yawn.
"Tomorrow," he said as he stood up, hardly having touched his food. "Will you tell the rest of the team? There's something I've got to take care of."
He could sense her disappointment as he left but out of the corner of his eye he had watched Potter get up from the Gryffindor table alone. He wasn't quite sure what possessed him to do it, maybe it was the fact that he hadn't slept in days, but he followed after him. Potter turned the corner and when Draco was sure they were alone he finally dared to hiss "Potter."
The Gryffindor turned around quickly, a look of confusion plastered on his face. "…Malfoy?"
Draco closed the distance between them rather quickly and motioned for Potter to continue walking. They fell into step beside one another before he spoke again. "I need to talk to you."
"You're talking to me right now" Potter said.
"Obviously," Draco shot him a look. "I meant later. Meet me by the lake, where I took you when we were in the hospital wing?" He hated how unsure he sounded as he spoke. He normally portrayed himself to others as someone who exuded confidence and this sudden bout of self-doubt was off-putting, even to himself.
"I was blind Malfoy," Harry said. "I don't know where that is."
"Oh for merlin's sake Potter just meet me by the fucking lake," Draco snapped, rolling his eyes.
Potter looked apprehensive about the whole encounter but he nodded his head slowly. "Er- yeah, fine… What time?"
"Midnight. Don't be late," Draco said with as much dignity as he could muster. He saw Potter open his mouth to retort but he turned away from him heading back in the direction he had come. He walked back to the common room and sank into one of the chairs. He let his head fall back and the war in his head began its usual back and forth as it always had when it came to Potter. He groaned, his eyes focusing on the flames dancing in the fireplace.
He had been fighting it for years. Behind every rude comment, every hex, every cold stare had been something he knew that Potter could never understand. He had always craved Potter's attention, negative or positive, it didn't matter. Something about even just a single glance from the Gryffindor was so satisfying to him. His taunting had become constant as time went on because he needed it. Any sort of passion that came from Potter was better than the endless state of numbness he had begun to exist in after Voldemort had made his return. But he knew that things were different now, Potter seemed too tired to play into his games anymore. Draco was tired too and he needed more.
His thoughts were interrupted by several of the Slytherins returning from dinner. Pansy came in and forced herself onto his lap, he groaned and tried to push her off, "I'm not in the mood Pans."
"You never are," she said with a pout. "Let's do something fun."
"Like what?" he asked finally accepting that she wasn't going to get off him and letting his arm fall to rest around her waist. It was a gesture many people would have looked at as something almost suggestive but they both knew better. They had tried dating in their younger years and it just hadn't worked out. It was obvious to him that it was because he didn't like women but she had just attributed it to the face that they had known each other for too long, their bond being something more related to that of siblings than lovers.
"We could drink?" she said and turned, her big brown eyes staring into his as she relaxed into him. "Ooh or we could go up to the Astronomy tower!" The words left her mouth before she had thought it through and Draco forced himself up, pushing her onto the floor. "No Draco! I'm sorry!" she called as he left, disappearing into the dormitories.
"What's wrong with you?" Goyle asked looking up from his copy of the Daily Prophet as Draco stormed in, rummaging through the trunk at the end of his four-poster. He ignored him and finally his fingers closed around his last bottle of whiskey. He withdrew it, slipped it into the pocket of his robes and left as abruptly as he had come in, leaving Goyle looking completely puzzled.
The sun was setting as he walked down to the lake. He had a lot of time to kill before Potter would get there. He took a seat in his usual spot under a tree where no one from the castle would be able to see him. He laid back on the cool earth and let his eyes fall close, the image of Albus Dumbledore being murdered replaying over and over again in his mind no thanks to the carelessness of Pansy Parkinson.
"Malfoy?" He heard as he was nudged awake. His eyes snapped open and he shot up into a sitting position. He instantly ran a hand over his head to make sure that each strand of his platinum blonde hair had stayed in its proper place. He looked around, it was now pitch black with only the light being that of the moon. It cast a pale glow over his surroundings and he finally focused his eyes onto the figure who had woken him.
"How long have you been here?" Potter asked as he sat down beside him, folding his legs Indian style. Draco watched Harry's emerald green eyes taking in his appearance. "No offense Malfoy but you look awful."
"Thanks for that," Draco growled as he allowed himself to relax again. "I must have fallen asleep." They sat in silence for a moment as Draco rubbed the sleep from his eyes and then straightened out his robes. He glanced at the boy next to him, Potter's hair was disheveled as always, his round glasses sitting crooked on his face. He was wearing a pair of loose black slacks and a Gryffindor sweater.
"So what did you want to talk to me about?" Potter finally asked, looking slightly uncomfortable under Draco's intent stare.
Draco felt his cheeks burn, suddenly asking himself the same question. What was he supposed to say to him? I don't get off on hurting you anymore so why don't we try something else? He wanted to laugh at the very thought of such a conversation. He kept his cool but forced himself to say, "Well Potter. I'm not doing very well."
He could see Potter nod his head out of the corner of his eye, "What do you mean exactly?"
Draco sighed and took the whiskey from its place in his pocket, this was where the alcohol was going to come in handy. He took a swig from the bottle and offered it to Potter. They passed it back and forth a few times before Draco found his liquid courage. "I haven't had a full night of sleep in over two weeks" He muttered.
"Two weeks!" Potter exclaimed. "You should see Madam Pomfrey or Professor Slughorn."
"What are they going to do? Give me a potion? What happens when I don't have the potion?" Draco said as he took another drink.
"Well what am I going to do about it?" Potter said slowly.
"You get them too," he stated calmly referring to the nightmares he had been having. "I heard you moaning in your sleep in the hospital wing. So unless you were having some sort of hot sex dream Potter then I think I was right in assuming that you too know what it's like to have a sleepless night."
Potter looked uncomfortable again and his face was twisted up as if he were thinking for several long minutes. "I've had them since I was eleven," Potter grabbed the bottle from his hand. "They weren't always dreams, more like visions. But since… since you-know-who died it's just been nightmares."
"Severus told me about those," Draco said. "He also told me how horrible you are at Occlumency" he sneered.
"Why would he have told you that?"
"Because I'm not horrible at it. He taught me himself," He grabbed the bottle from Potter and put it to his mouth to take another drink. "He told me the truth the night before he died," Draco whispered, feeling a tug in his chest at the thought of Severus. Of everyone in his life he had been the one person who had trusted him to do the right thing.
"You can't do wandless magic can you Malfoy?" The Gryffindor asked abruptly after a significant pause in the conversation.
"Why Potter, are you scared I'll get into your head?" He smirked. "I never said I was any good at Legilimency…" He paused for the effect, "But if you were curious, he taught me that too."
"He was a good man," Potter finally said, seeming to have decided that Draco was not skilled in wandless magic after all and that the several layers of his mind and his innermost thoughts were safe inside his head.
Draco nodded his head in agreement, swallowing back the words that were threatening to fall from his lips. His thoughts were becoming cloudy from the excessive amount of alcohol he had drank in such a short period of time. He could sense from experience that he was drawing near the point in his inebriation where what he thought and what he said would begin to melt together.
"Why did you agree to come out here?" Draco asked.
"I don't know," Potter shifted uncomfortably beside him, he lifted his head and for a moment their eyes met. "I guess I was curious."
"Do you regret it?" Draco could hear himself speaking, his discretion disintegrating with each passing moment.
"No," Potter said without skipping a beat. "Do you?"
Draco shook his head, downing the rest of the bottle and tossing it out into the water. It shattered the smooth surface of the lake sending ripples in every direction. He laid back in the cool grass, folding an arm behind his head so that his head was resting comfortably in the crook of his elbow.
"Why did you ask me out here Malfoy?"
"I just needed someone who understood," he said stifling a yawn as his eyes moved to observe the moon.
"And you think I do?"
"Better than anyone else could," he said pleased with himself at how uninterested he sounded as he spoke.
"How do you figure?" Potter asked.
"We were chosen Harry," Draco said failing to notice that he had for the first time in his entire life addressed the Gryffindor by his first name. He forced himself to sit up so he could look at him. There was an intensity in the connection of their eyes that shook the earth beneath them and warmed Draco in a way alcohol never could. "And now it's done. And he's gone. And we're both left to pick up the pieces that are left of our broken, miserable lives."
"What did you lose?" Harry's voice came, sounding angry and confused. "You have your family, you have your friends."
"I didn't lose anything," Draco said despondently. "Because the things that were taken from me were things I never got the chance to have."
"Like what?" Harry demanded.
"A choice," he whispered before getting to his feet.
Harry didn't respond right away as he too stood up, "You always had a choice Malfoy."
This comment caused something inside Draco to snap, he could feel his lips curling into an angry sneer. "Don't act like you know a damn thing about me Potter," He was hissing as he moved closer to him.
"There's always a choice," Potter said looking equally heated. They were now so close that Draco could almost feel the others breath on his skin with each word he spoke. "It was the choice between what is right and what is easy. And you chose wrong."
There was a large part of Draco that wanted nothing more than to argue with him, to explain to him that if he had chosen any other way he would have lost everything. There was another part of him that wanted to admit to Potter that he was right, that he was a gutless coward. And then there was this other part that wanted nothing more than to close the remaining distance between them and...
He forced the last from his mind before it could progress into something dangerous. He tore his eyes from Harry and took a few steps back. "We both know I have too much pride to apologize to you Potter," Draco said as he turned away to walk up the hill. "But I am sorry. For everything."
