Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or the characters depicted.
Episodes Referenced: Catching Out, Angel Maker, Minimal Loss
Chapter 4: Pillow Talk
Not long after the girls were asleep, Spencer and Emily went to bed as well. After they were snuggled together, Spencer said, "I didn't realize how spoiled I was."
"What do you mean?"
"When we're working together, and we're on a case, we can do this in the hotel rooms. When it's just me…I feel like something's missing. It's because I don't have you next to me."
"I feel the same way when you're not here. " She started to absently stroked his hair. She felt his hand rest gently on her belly. It was warm and comforting. "I'm curious about one thing, Spencer."
"Yeah?"
"Just what are you planning on telling the girls tomorrow night.? About how it started. Because I'm not really certain what I was going to tell them."
"I was going to start with the talk."
"What talk?"
"You know, about baby geniuses."
"You think that's the best place to start?"
"I thought explaining all the times I felt something, but I don't think I'll be able to explain it to them properly. Maybe when they're older.
"What do you mean, all the times? Just when did you start feeling something for me, any way?"
"We've talked about it before."
"No we haven't. Not really. When did you start have feelings for me, Dr. Reid?
"What does it matter?"
"It matters to your pregnant wife who's been fielding questions while your son dances, punches, and kicks my bladder. So, when did it start? I'd like to know how long it took you to realize you loved me."
Spencer knew he had somehow entered dangerous territory and this could end very badly. Fortunately, he been thinking about this on the flight home and off and on during the day.
"Well, I think I've always found you attractive. But, if you mean when did the feeling really start to percolate, it was during the Angel Maker case."
"Really? How so?"
"Well, you remember the case?"
"Trust me Spencer, that case is burned into my mind. First of all, it's not often forensic evidence suggests a serial killer has come back from the dead. Then there was your evil twin/eviler twin hypothesis on the plane."
"Yeah, in retrospect that wasn't my best profiling moment. Well, you remember the letters I had to de-code."
"Yeah. I know what's coming. You did this brilliant job decoding them and I made fun of you. I'm sorry."
"There's nothing to apologize for. And you have apologized for that about 42 times since then."
"I felt bad. It was wrong of me to do that. That was the one of the other reasons that case is burned in my mind. You did this amazing job of deciphering the letters, and I didn't say good job or anything encouraging. I just poked you in the face and make a joke at your expense."
Tears began to run down her face. He gently wiped them away with his delicate fingers.
"Two days."
"What?"
"Two days later I could still feel the sensation of your finger on my cheek, and hear you saying, 'he seems so life like.' in my head."
He gently kissed her forehead. "You know Emily, there was a time that would have angered me. There was a time when I would have pouted and sulked if someone made that kind of a joke. But then, the truth was, I felt a kind of jolt of electricity when you touched my cheek with your finger. The truth was, I thought about kissing you on more than one occasion. The truth was, I wondered if I could have a relationship with you that was more than teammates or friends. But I figured that you had a type of man you dated, andI was sure it was the opposite of me."
She just looked at him. How had they never talked about this before? She hugged him close to her. He could feel tears run down her cheeks. When she loosened her grip she kissed him passionately. When their lips parted, he tried to speak.
"Uh, Em…We need to be careful her because…"
She put her hand over his mouth. "Do you know what was going through my mind for days after that case? Shara Carlino. Do you remember her? She was one of the Angel Maker's girlfriends. When Rossi and I interviewed her she said to me 'you've never been in love, have you?' I couldn't put the words out of my head. The words hurt, because they were true. There had men in my life: friends, friends with benefits, lovers, boyfriends, and one fiancé. But I never loved them, not really. Not deeply."
"Emily…I…"
"Let me finish, Spence. When I poked you and made that cheap shot; and that's what it was, a cheap shot to get a cheap laugh. It wasn't a reaction to what you said or to that almost mind-blowing analysis that would have taken three mere mortals and a specially programmed computer to do." She paused for a moment, the mere memory of it seemed to have potency to her. "While you narrated how you deciphered the Angel Makers love letters, the mere narration made something like butterflies flutter in my stomach. I still feel them. It felt like I was developing some kind of school-girl crush, and I thought that's all it could ever be. I mean, you were still a bit of a mystery to me. I wasn't even certain if you had romantic feelings for anyone or any kind of sexual desires. If you did, I was certain they wouldn't be for me. I… Maybe some close to your age. I was trying to squash those feelings. It was a cheap shot, and I will always regret it. I'm…"
He interrupted her by kissing her passionately. When there lips parted she said,"I thought we had to be careful."
"Yeah, well, that's in case you still were uncertain about my romantic and sexual feelings towards you. So, here's what I've been wondering about. Seeing as you were having these feelings of love and guilt, is that why you said you were the FBI agent at Benjamin Cyrus's ranch a few weeks later?"
"I still don't know. When I saw him point the gun at you I knew you were going to try and talk your way out of it. It might have worked, but all I could think about was he was going to shoot you. If he pulled the trigger you would be dead and I couldn't allow that. I didn't why then, and I'm certain exactly now, but I knew I couldn't allow that."
"It killed me inside to see him drag you away. Later, when we were gathered in the chapel, it killed me alittle more to see how badly he beat you. It should have been me."
"No. If it should have been anyone it should have been that idiot State Attorney General who ordered the raid while we were there and leaked that there was an undercover FBI agent there." Then she let out a small laugh.
"What?"
"On the plane ride back, after it was all over, I could still feel that hug…after I thought you might be dead, I still felt that hug and I was mad at myself. I was still trying to fight these feelings for you. I kept telling myself you were just a team mate. and you could never be more. "
"Then why did you try to put me at ease, and tell me it wasn't my fault?"
"Because I knew you'd blame yourself and I had to reassure you. I felt that need just as strongly as I had to stop Cyrus from shooting you."
"You know, when we talked then, and you touched my wrists…I could almost believe that some day we could be more than team mates. But only almost."
"Oh God, some profilers we are. We couldn't see what we were feeling for each other."
"Well, it wasn't all that long before we figured it out."
"But it wasn't when we talked about babies."
"No. But that started things."
"I wonder what would have happened if we had managed to figure things out sooner."
"I'm not sure it matters."
"Maybe." She snuggled closer to him, putting her head on his chest. She fell asleep listening to the beating of his heart.
He fell asleep being grateful he was home, and that home meant a family with Emily.
A/N: I want to thank everyone for their patience with the lag time between updates. I've got my momentum back, so things should move right along now. We're going to see see the story start to unfold now.
