Mini Author's Note: To anyone who didn't read the author's note for the introduction, this is an alternative viewpoint for Petunia Evan Dursley's POV and behaviour throughout the series.This chapter (well, technically speaking, it's not really a chapter—it's more like an intermission) is on Lily's first owl home, since I'd like to just randomly insert some light-hearted fillers around before letter the old brain tick a little. It might also help to show how Lily's relationship with her family is preserved, and perhaps display the little quirks that I'll be engineering into everyone's character. If you think that this is a waste of internet space, drop me a hint and I'll try to pick up on it.
Obligatory Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series, nor do I wish I owned them. Imagine what the literary world would have to deal with if I did. All the recalls of published editions and what not! Chaos!
Creaky Staircase Disclaimer: The theory of Petunia hiding letters from Dumbledore under first, the loose floorboard in the second bedroom, and later, the creaky bottom stair in 4 of the staircase, is attributed to ginnybatbogeysyou's editorial Petunia and the Creaky Stair on mugglenet. Of course, I've adapted the idea to include letters from Lily and the other Evans as well. Okay, so now you know. No accusing me of idea-stealing!
Requesting: A Beta, and Criticism. (and someone to stop me from being weird)
P-LP-LP-L
Props ready for Scene Three?
Right. Filming in 3… 2… 1…
Over to you!
P-LP-LP-L
Chapter One, CONT.
Scene Three –First Letter Home-
"ding ding ding ding ding"
Was that the hall clock? Oh dearie me—it's five o'clock already? How time does fly by. I really need to get dinner into the oven… you there, stay right where you are and don't try sneaking around the house. Hmm, you say you'll be bored? How can watching a master cook at work be boring? Why—oh all right. Wait just a few minutes. I'll get you something to pass your time with. Unless you'd rather leave now? No? I thought not.
Here you go.
Well, what are you waiting for? For heaven's sake, take the papers already! I can't hold them out forever, you know. I assure you that they are not be-spelled or tainted with poison. Oh you—you should be walking around with a beak and feathers. You say you're not a chicken? Well, prove it! Take the letters!
Ah, good. Finally. Trying to refuse these treasures, indeed. If only you had any idea how much some people would love to get these in their hands! You don't know how lucky you are. You say you do? Hrrmph. Not by half, I'll bet. Read from the first one if you'd like to see them in sequence. They are a few letters by the family that I saved from… years ago. How many years? I don't want to tell you. Deal with it, buster.
Now, excuse me while I go and do some kitchen work.
P-LP-LP-L
I see you're taking the most yellow one first? Wise of you. Good to see that you have some brains after all. Wait—were you giving me a Look there? No? You sure? I'm glad. You don't want to know what I can do to people who rub on my wrong side.
By the way, the letter you're holding is the very first owl that we received. I hope you know the term 'owl'? You do? Good. Saves me a lot of explanation, then.
Um, come again? I didn't quite catch your words. Oh. You're wondering why the paper has paler sections at its corners? That's an easy question to answer. This is Lily's first letter home, and it tickled mom so much that she stuck it to the fridge with some magnets. They stayed there until the summer holidays rolled over and Lily took them down. Hence, the 'white' bits.
Enough of your babbling. Now read. In silence. I need to shred some cabbages.
P-LP-LP-L
2nd September 1971
Dear EVANS special support team:
Greetings from Hogwarts! This is EVANS special undercover agent Lilykins, reporting in from the 1st-Year dormitories of Gryffindor. Please be assured that everything has gone without mishap, and that the induction ceremony was as successful as could be hoped.
I write to address certain queries brought up by EVANS-Support before my departure yesterday.
In response to Secretary Puppet's speculations on the squad-allocation process, 'twas a wise and revered old faction of the institution (a Sorting Hat) that conducted the organization of rookies into brigades. New recruits were individually assessed and personality tests conducted before an overall study of the recruits were processed to decide who would be best suited where (meaning that the hat invaded our minds and decided, based on its findings, where we should go). Readiness for risks seemed the deciding factor for Griffindor's prowling lions, talent was the prerequisite for Ravenclaw's high-flying avains, a willingness to toil made up Hufflepuff's steady badgers, and ambition defined Slytherin's versatile pythons.
Sergeant DAD might be interested in knowing that the Big Cat barracks are located on the 7th floor of a Tower in the same name, and the primary entrance is superbly password-protected with a painting to respectively deter and misdirect intruders from the other houses. Décor is mainly crimson-gold, with armchairs a-squashy dotted around a large common room (we believe in comfort, apparently), interspersed with the occasional table for strategy-planning. Handy fireplace also available for the easy destruction of top-secret information (currently limited to ruined homework from the other year levels). Fireplace is also connected to the Floo Network, but you would need to inform the Higher-Ups (the headmaster, and most probably the head of house) before appearing.
Major MOM will be pleased to hear that the spiralling ascendic route to the female quarters is expertly designed to be male-repellent. Experimental attacks launched against female half of the lodgings revealed self-transfiguring spells cast into the stone of the staircase. As several brave Lions found out, continuous male presence upon staircase will set off wailing klaxons and result in said staircase turning into a stone slide that is virtually impossible to keep foot on. Further experiments by Lionesses concluded that the slide will also topple any female who happened to be on the staircase at the same time, and as such very stern recommendations have been given to the new Lions to the tune of "trespass, slip us, irritate us, and you will find your lives a living hell". This is of course easier done than said, as no similar spells are affixed to the routes to male quarters.
Special UA Lilykins would also like to report that the doona and sheets provided by EVANS are perfectly adequate for the four-poster that she has been assigned to. Wardrobe and other needs are not to be worried about, and rations are nothing like what we have been conditioned to expect (meaning the gruel breakfasts were totally unnecessary). Hogwarts does not seem to promote much animal protection when it comes to menus, and therefore meals similar to the usual EVANS provisions are readily procurable.
A tour of Hogwarts' grounds will be taking place shortly. All rookie squads have been commanded to appear before the General and his four Brigade Generals before Hogwarts' entrance, and my current location is far from there. I must go before punishments are awarded, but rest easy with the understanding that more news will be forthcoming.
Until the next owl,
EVANS Special Undercover Agent Lilykins
PS: Missing you all, but still having great fun. Love you!
P-LP-LP-L
What were you laughing about? Oh that's right… I'd almost forgotten how… cute… this letter is. Lovely letter, though, isn't it? I remember I fair enjoyed the playful wordings she employed when I first read it all those years ago. Lily sounded so excited and adventuristic… ah, brings back beautiful memories of her. That also happens to be the only letter along that theme that we have left. Not that there were many—one can't very well describe silly antics by dorm-mates with all that military terminology, can one? Her other letters were all very normal-sounding. You might stumble across a few as you go through the stack. Or actually, quite a few. You'll see.
P-LP-LP-L
Scene 3, END
P-LP-LP-L
Cut!
Pause to reclaim that letter… it was genuine, lord.
Someone bring it back to the safe ASAP!
