Ch. 4

No Defense

Armed with an arrow you're pointing it straight at my heart
Watching me break as I try to find my way out the dark

Sure as you said that you loved me you turned me away
Suddenly everything changed right in front of my face

I guess I'll never understand
How love can come and go

I wish that I had the courage to leave you behind,
Cause you are the one that I'll love for the rest of my life
They say someday I'll trust again
But makes no difference
Cause it's a battle and I have no defense

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Meredith was sitting on top of the stairs when she heard voices coming through the door on the floor right below her. She shot up when she realized it was Derek and Addison who were arguing, and moved a couple steps down, her best spot to get a peek of the Shepherds without them noticing her presence. She had hoped this was the time Derek would ask for the divorce, but what he had asked instead was something Meredith never prepared herself to hear. She had convinced herself that she was the chosen one, but for the uncountable times in her life, she was wrong.

She was heartbroken and crushed and furious, partly at herself for making the same mistake again, the mistake of begging and hoping and waiting for Derek to choose her. She was done with this, for real this time. Meredith let herself cry for a moment, then pulled herself together before going back inside. She needed to do one thing.

She quickly approached Richard as soon as she saw him coming out of a patient's room.

"Chief! May I…may I talk with you for a moment?"

"I have a surgery very soon, could you maybe come to my office later?" Richard kept walking.

"It's just a quick question, Chief, about Izzie." If I have to lie, I'll lie. "May I take a few days off?"

Richard hated when his staffs took time off. "And this is about Dr. Stevens…how?"

"I've called several times today to check on her, Sir, but she never picked up. I'm…I'm worried about her. I would like to take three days off to take care of her. She…she needs someone to be with her." Please say 'yes'….

Richard contemplated for a minute. "Alright, fine, but I expect you to be on your best when you come back, and let me know about Stevens. I want to know if she meant what she said last night, I'm not promising her spot in the program, but I'd like to hear from her."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Yes, Sir. I'll talk to Izzie. Thank you so much."

"Tell Dr. Bailey I gave you permission and tell her I'll talk to her after my surgery."

With that, Richard continued his way and Meredith went to find Bailey. She needed to get out of the hospital soon and without running into either one of the Shepherds.
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Addison sat in front of the incubator, letting the premie grabbed her index finger. Her shift just ended, but she didn't really want to go back to the trailer to face Derek tonight. She contemplated leaving after this morning, but in the end she agreed to stay when he had asked—stay until she knew what she really wanted. Addison turned around when the NICU door opened, and saw Miranda Bailey walk in.

"Hey, do you need something Miranda?"

"How is Karev doing under your service? Is he still giving you any trouble, or are you having fun slaving him around?"

Addison smiled at the questions. "He's been improving lately; I'm considering freeing him from my reign soon if he keeps it up..."

"Naah, take your time. The boy needs some whipping in the ass." Miranda grabbed a chair and sat next to Addison, who was still engrossed with the premie. "How are you, Addison?"

"I knew you didn't just come in to ask about Karev. What have the hospital rumor mills told you this time, Miranda?"

"A lot of things that aren't so great." She studied Addison's profile and decided to continue. "About Derek and Meredith at the prom last night, some nurses saw them going into an exam room…"

"This whole hospital knows about that, huh…. Why am I not surprised…" Addison shook her head, ashamed that her personal life was the number one source of the hospital's gossips.

"And Meredith just came to me to let me know that the Chief has given her permission to take three days off, to take care of Izzie she said, but I know it has nothing to do with Izzie." Miranda finally got Addison to look at her.

"He had sex with her, Miranda...again, in the exam room...again. I knew something was off last night, I gave him a chance to tell me, but he lied through his teeth. This morning I came into that exam room, Derek and Dr. Torres were there, and there was a misunderstanding. I actually had not put it past him to screw another coworker...and unfortunately accused Torres, but he did set things straight, he told me he had sex with that intern. Torres walked in on them last night."

Addison sighed. "Then, I got caught up with work and hadn't even thought about what I was going to do when we ran into each other. I thought he was going to ask me for a divorce, but then he didn't…."

"He didn't?"

"No, I thought he wanted to be with her, but he asked me 'what if he doesn't want a divorce, what if he wants me to stay'…. And when I didn't know how to answer, he asked me to stay until I know what I want—if I want to leave or give us another chance."

"He still asked you to stay, huh…"

"I know, I'm stupid, I should be strong and tell him I'm leaving now, but somehow I can't, Miranda…he…I've been with him, in love with him, for fifteen years, and I… I just don't know…yet…" By this time Addison prayed that no one would come across them in the room, she didn't want anymore of her personal life to be added to the Seattle Grace's Gossip: Prom Edition.

Miranda put a hand on her friend's shoulder. "No, you're not stupid, Addison. You're taking time to think about what's best for you. You're just making sure you're making the right decision, to leave or to give it one more chance, nothing's wrong with that."

"He doesn't know what he wants either…He told me, he'd rather figure things out with me than with anyone else…. I don't know what to think of that…"

"I'm not gonna lie to you, Addison. You're husband can be more of a McStupid than a McDreamy…" Addison chuckled at Miranda's bluntness. "But I have a feeling that he's not always been like this, and whatever you both had in New York must be quite something that you both can't let it go, even with all of this. Maybe…maybe this time it will work out...if you both want it to."

"Yeah…maybe…or maybe not…" She really had no idea.

"Look, come visit me if you ever need to talk, or anything, okay? I'm here for you Addison." Miranda got off of the chair.

"Thank you, Miranda."

With a nod, Miranda left and Addison continued to sit there for a while before going back to the trailer.

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Meredith stormed through her front door, a bag of liquors in one hand. She was furious. Izzie was sitting in the living room, still in her PJs, mindlessly flipping channels and munching on a cupcake.

"Why are you home early?" Izzie turned around when she heard the door, her eyes puffy from cyring.

"I'm home early because I took three days off. You and me, we hang out."

"Meredith, I told you I'm fine. I don't need you to take care of me." She turned back to the TV.

Meredith took the bottles of liquor out of the bag and handed one to Izzie. "Well, I'm not exactly here to take care of you, I've got my own problems. I just thought it'd be nice to drink my problems away with you." She took a gulp from her bottle.

"Okay, you and me, we hang out. Now spill." Izzie took a gulp from her bottle. This is better than being alone….

"I had sex with Derek at the prom, in an exam room…"

"You what!"

Another gulp. "You heard me. After you walked out, he and Finn were waiting for me. I chose Derek and broke Finn's heart. Derek said he needed a couple of days to explain things to Addison." Another gulp, Izzie did the same. "I believed him, I told my self this time is different. How stupid am I, Iz?"
"He told you he's not leaving Addison! Addison took him back? How…?"

"Lemme finish… So, this morning I was assigned to Callie, who, by the way, walked in on us after we were done last night, she was looking for me to come see you. Anyway, turned out that Callie and Derek were in that same exam room and she found my panties and threw it at Derek and Addison walked in. She thought Derek was screwing Callie, long story short, but nevermind, the point is...Addison knows the truth now."

"Wow… I picked the wrong time to quit…" Izzie took another gulp.

"Then I heard the Shepherds arguing on the stairs, I thought he was asking for a divorce, but he asked her to stay instead. Addison, she…she said she didn't know if she wanted to leave, so she agreed to stay until she figure out. They're not over yet, but they will be if she decides to leave. I'm done with this, Izzie…I have to really move on this time…somehow…" Meredith took a few gulps.

"Oh, Mer…"

"He chose her again, Iz. All this time, I thought he wanted me with those looks he gave and trying to be friends shit. I was stupid enough to hope that someday he'd divorce her and come back to me. But look at me now; I'm the dirty mistress, who thought she could compete against the wife…."

"Men are stupid. Well, except for Denny, Denny was…Denny, and I have to move on to…somehow" Few tears escaped and took a few gulps from her bottle. "Alex has been calling me all day; he needs to leave me alone…"

"Us and our boy problems." The two girls continued nursing their bottles.

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When George and Callie came home, Meredith and Izzie can barely move on the couch, each holding an almost empty bottle of liquor, with some already empty bottles tossed on the table and on the floor. The television was on, with the volume down, some cupcakes on the table, with crumbs everywhere. Two very drunk girls were not what George and Callie expected to come home to that night, especially not to Callie, who had her fair share of Meredith's drama that day.

"Oh hey, look… It's George and Callie…" Meredith slurred.

"Hello guys…have a cupcake…" Izzie chimed in.

George immediately took the bottles out of their hands, much to their protests.

"Don't take my drink, I need my drink… I'm the dirty mistress and I'm alone…He chose his wife again…."

"Yeaaah George… Give us a break, Denny is gone, I miss Denny…."

George took a deep breath, the last time Izzie was like this was when Alex cheated and the last time Meredith was like this was when Derek didn't sign the papers.

"Callie, would you help me carry them to Meredith's room?"

"Why? Why can't we leave them here?" She had had enough.

"Because Meredith's room has a bathroom! Unless, you want to clean their vomits in the morning…. Please, Cal?"

"Fine!"

George and Callie put Meredith's and Izzie's arm around their neck and helped them walk up to Meredith's room. Meredith's cell phone went off as they put them on the bed. George grabbed it from her waist.

"It said 'Derek'. Should I pick up?" The phone kept ringing.

"Someone, give me phone…" Meredith's hands flailed everywhere, searching for her phone.

"Give it to me." Callie grabbed the phone before George can say a word.

"Hello." Derek's 'hello' was heard, Callie continued. "Listen, Meredith can't talk right now, and even if she can, I'm sure she doesn't want to talk to you. So just leave her alone!" She shut off the phone.

George was confused. "What was that about!"

"I'll tell you later." Callie put the phone on the nightstand and left the room.

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Derek shut his phone off and put it on the kitchen table, confused as to why Callie was the one who picked up Meredith's phone. He found out that she had taken three days off from work, and had called to check if she was okay, besides eventually telling her that they needed to talk. He felt guilty about hurting Meredith, about giving her hope only to break her heart again, he felt like the biggest jackass alive. A moment later, Addison's car pulled in outside and he felt nervous.

"I bought dinner on the way home." He said when she came in.

"I'm not hungry." She said without looking at him. She threw her bag and coat on the couch and kicked off her heels.

"Addie, I'm sorry…"

"You had sex with her, why aren't you with her? Did she choose to go home with the vet? Is that why you asked me to stay, so you wouldn't be alone?" She felt safe letting her emotions out now that they were alone, without any hospital personnel prying into their personal life.

Derek stood up. "No, Addie, no… She didn't go home with Finn, she chose me. But I can't let go of you, Addie. Again, I can't…"

"Do you still want me, love me? No…" She rephrased her question. "Are you still in love with me?"

When Derek didn't answer after a few seconds, Addison stormed past him through the bedroom. She pulled out her suitcase and threw it opened on the floor. Maybe this is not worth fighting for…

"I remembered loving you, being in love with you." He finally spoke, still in the kitchen. "I remembered how it felt, it felt better than anything else, than anyone could make me feel. And I want it back, Addie, I know I want that back. I want what we had before…."

She slumped onto the floor, staring at the opened suitcase with tears in her eyes. She can't start packing her things. She looked up when she saw him by the bedroom door.

"How did you do it, Derek? How the hell did you do it, when you packed and left me in New York?"

He stood still by the door. "I've always thought I'd come back. I just left to cool off, to numb the pain, to forget the image of you and him. I never thought I'd stay here for long."

"But you did, when you found her. Were you still thinking of going back then? Would you go back if I didn't come?"

"She made me feel again, I cared about her, and I thought that if you can be with Mark, then maybe I can be with someone else. But I still thought of you, going back to you…and then you came…"

"But you didn't want me anymore…." Addison broke down and she didn't care. She had held herself together for so long, and it was too much to bear.

Derek walked to her and reached out to her.

"No…" She scooted away from him.

Derek resisted and she finally let him hold her as she cried.

"I'm done hurting you, I'm done with her." He whispered. "I want you Addie, I still want you…"