A/N: Thanks for the reviews!
Previously from Cursum Perficio
I reached for my son, pulling him out of his father's arms. I wanted to hold him close and never let go. I reached for William, who wrapped his arms around both of us. I never wanted to let him go either. If only I could feel the warm arms that had just protected my son and I around us, I would be complete. I could not let him go either. In this quiet moment, I suddenly remembered soft words, spoken in my ear as the stones were crashing around us.
I will always protect you, my love.
I let William pull me away from the cot carrying Eric in to the castle. I tried to hide my tears, knowing the man whose body was now limp and bloody, might never speak to me again. He might never make me laugh again. Oh what I would say if I knew those would be the last words I would speak to him?
I love you, truly I do.
Is it really true you do not know what you have until it is gone? God help me, I cannot lose him. I cannot lost any of them.
Baby William was almost asleep in my arms, surprisingly. I continued to hold him close, keeping my tears away from his face. William gently tucked an arm around me, leading me back towards the safety of the main castle walls. My feet stumbled on the stones, and several times William had to steady me before we continued. My body wanted to rest and run at the same time. Rest and realize what had just happened. Run and find out the severity of Eric's injuries.
"Come Snow, let us put Will down for a nap, and then, I think, you should lay down and relax." I started to protest, but William put a hand up to stop me for a moment. "A two hour rest will do us all some good. The doctor will let us know if his condition worsens. Right now, I think he would appreciate if we stayed out from under his feet."
"You are right." I sighed, realizing I had been holding my breath. "I will rest, and we can check on the Captain this evening, if we have not heard anything."
When I awoke, I realized I had slept the day away. The stress of this morning's accident weighed heavily on me. My hands clenched the sheets around me as the sights, sounds, and smells of the crumbling wall, of my baby crying, of the dust of the stone, and of Eric's arms around me, assaulted my mind. I must see him.
Thankfully I had slept in my day dress, so I let my feet quickly pad across my chambers and head toward the opposite end of the castle. The people I encountered along the way all respectfully asked about my health. 'Thank you,' I would say, 'my son and I are fine. Please keep the Captain in your prayers. He saved us, so we must do all we can to save him.'
When I reached the small room known as the infirmary, my feet slowed, and I stopped in front of the entrance. I needed to brace myself for what I might find, or for any bad news that might be delivered. When I peaked through the open door, I saw one of my ladies' maids gingerly washing the dirt and grime from the Captain's face. He looked peaceful, eyes closed and breathing slow.
"Oh, forgive me, Your Majesty. I did not hear you come in." Rose frantically stood to face me and curtseyed low. I waved for her to rise, and walked over to the sleeping Captain.
"How is he?" I barely managed to whisper, the raw emotions from earlier starting to surface again.
"He is mending, Your Majesty. The doctor gave him a mixture to sedate him while he straightened the bones, though he has never been awake. It was mainly to ease what suffering there was." She paused to watch me. "If he makes it through the night, then there is a good chance there was minimal damage inside, and he might survive." I looked at her quizzically. "Or that is what the doctor says."
"Do you mind if I take over?" I pointed to the washing rag in her hands.
"Oh, I do not mind. You should rest, Your Majesty." I noticed the blush that was creeping up her face, and part of me was elated. Maybe he would wake up to find this nice young lady taking care of him, and it would change things? However, in the back of my mind, a small voice was furious as it whispered 'he is mine!'
"Please, Rose. He saved my life and my son's. It is the least I can do." I quickly jerked away the rag that was hanging limply in her hand. "If I need anything, I will call you." Her eyes widened at my assertiveness, and for just a moment, her eyes narrowed and her features creased in an unpleasantly hateful expression. Her expression faded as quickly as it was there, and she curtseyed, disappearing quietly behind me. I sat down in her vacated seat, and reached for the bowl of water she had been using.
He looked so vulnerable lying there. My hand trembled as I placed it gently on his chest. I could feel the faintly fluttering of his heart, and the soft rise of his chest with his shallow breaths. I took the rag, carefully rinsing it in the water, and diligently began cleaning his face and chest. Though someone had taken great care to do this already, I wanted to do it again. Probably Rose, my mind screamed acidly. I felt it was my duty to take care of him. Not hers.
"Calm down." I whispered to myself. My fingers traced his cheeks, chin, and the curve of his lips with the rag. I brushed lightly across his brow, and tenderly outlined the sides of his face. Ringing the cloth out again, I carefully moved the fabric over his bare chest. They failed to replace the clothing cut off of him earlier, but a simple sheet had been tucked around his waist and covered his lower body. I felt the rush of heat in my face as my hand traced the cloth across his lower stomach, through the line of short golden curls that traveled down his stomach to be mostly hidden by the sheet, and over his hips. My eyes stopped suddenly on a puckered line of skin across his left hip. My finger pressed lightly against it, wishing to know when, and how, this scar happened. I should ask him sometime.
I was honestly surprised by the lack of wounds across his torso, but I knew I would be horrified if I could see the bruising across his back. I could only wash a small section of each arm, as they were bandaged and set to not move. Obviously the doctor was hoping the broken bones would heal correctly.
"I am so sorry." The tears I had been holding back flooded my face. "This should have never happened to you."
I bent over and buried my face in the side of his cot, gently laying my cheek on his hand. Squeezing his hand gently, I said a silent prayer, asking God not to take him yet. He had so much more he needed to accomplish in his life. And I need him in mine.
"Snow? Snow, my darling, are you alright?" My eyes fluttered open, seeing William through very blurry eyes. "Oh, Snow, your eyes are all swollen. Have you been crying all this time?"
I nodded, rubbing my eyes and feeling the swollen lids. I must have fallen asleep not long after my tears started falling. "Yes, William, I am sorry I did not come wake you. I needed to see how Eric was doing." William's arm's went around me, and I relished their warmth. "How long have I been asleep?"
"Well, it is mid-morning. You needed the sleep, though probably in a more comfortable fashion." He did not mean the last part as an admonishment, but I realized he was probably right as I felt the aches in back as I tried to straighten up.
"Wait! Eric?!" In the haze of sleep I forgot to look back at Eric, hoping beyond hope he was still breathing. I felt the strangled cry escape my lips when I saw the small rise of his chest. "He made it through the night? Does that mean he will be okay?" William smiled at me, reaching to pull me up out of my seat.
"The worst is over, that much is certain. It will take a long while for him to recover, if he does, the doctor says. But he is optimistic now."
"Praise be to God! Oh, let us celebrate. Well, I guess we should wait until he wakes up." William chuckled, and nodded.
"Yes, I think he would want to celebrate with us."
For the next two months, I visited Eric daily in the infirmary. After the first four days, he finally woke up. With each passing day after that, he regained a little more of his strength. He hated being confined to either his cot, or just walking within the infirmary itself, but until the doctor knew he would not do any further damage, he could not go outside the room.
Finally, after those two long, hard months, I escorted Eric out of the infirmary, and outside to take a walk around the castle wall. We had a hard time making it to the courtyard, for people were continuing to stop us, congratulating Eric on his improving health. William joined us after we finally made it outside, giving Eric a big hug.
"It is so good to see you!" William laughed heartily at Eric, his infectious smile brightening everyone's mood.
"Aye, it is good to see you too, and outside that blasted room." We all laughed at that. We were happy, the three of us. Things were getting back to normal.
2 months later
"Have you come to see the finished wall, my Queen?" Eric smiled at me as I approached. It was hard to imagine that four months after the initial wall collapse, the Captain was back out along the wall, supervising the placement of the final stones. I commanded he not do any true labor yet, while he was still recovering. Oh he argued and argued with me, but I promised, as Queen, I would let him get back to work. Eventually.
"Yes, actually, and just to see you. It has been a few days since we have taken a walk."
Eric stayed silent for a few minutes, not making eye contact. Did I do something?
"Captain, have I done something to offend you?" I took a step closer to Eric, and he took a step away.
"Shall we walk, my Queen?" He nodded toward the walkway along the wall, our usual walking path. I nodded, and fell into step beside him. He continued to distance himself from me, as he looked out over the wall and toward the countryside. After a while, we were far enough away from the last remaining workers that a private conversation would not be overhead.
"Enough of this silent treatment, Eric. Tell me what is wrong. Have you been avoiding me?" He held my gaze steadily, almost too intensely, and I felt a blush I could not withhold creeping up my face.
"Aye, I have." He answered, defeat heavy in his voice.
"Why? What have I done."
"Nothing. And everything. Ever since the accident, Snow, my heart aches to see you. I almost lost you ..."
"I almost lost you." I interrupted.
"Aye, but you being the lost one would have caused this country much worse pain. Listen, Snow, I have told you on numerous occasions there was only one woman for me after Sara, and that was you. If I cannot have you, then I need to stay as far away from you as possible. I thought I could handle my feelings, but I cannot. You have bewitched me, woman." He turned away from me, pacing along the wall.
"Wait, what are you saying? You are not leaving me, are you?" I cringed at the desperation in my voice.
"No, I am not leaving. But I cannot be around you like we have been. No more walks around the castle, no more chit-chat over meals. It is not fair to me, Snow. I love you too much."
"Not fair to you?! How do you think I have felt these past four months? A part of me would have died if you had. I cannot lost you. Ever. I love you too much for that."
"I wish I could have heard those words three years ago." This time, Eric whispered. His shoulders sagged, and he gripped the wall to remain upright. Though on the mend, he still was not fully recovered from the accident.
"What words?" I did not dare look at him as I asked this question. I knew what words he meant. I love you. I had not meant to say them out loud.
Glancing around him, the Captain came at me full speed, stopping just short of walking on my feet. Leaning into my face, his cheek lightly brushing mine, he whispered in my ear, "I love you. I will always love you." I gasped at his closeness, and I gripped his arm tightly to steady myself. Featherlight kisses were placed on my cheek, my chin, and the corner of my mouth, and I felt his lips whisper against mine, "And I want you, so badly."
And with that, he turned and walked away.
I felt my hand grasping the wall to keep me from tumbling to my knees. Something has definitely changed between us. What happens now? I thought. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful baby boy, and ... Eric.
Over the following months, nothing further was spoken between Eric and I. Only the occasional glance, or words spoken in greeting, were shared. However, I felt his eyes on my constantly, following my every move. Watching me as I walked with William, or played with baby William in the Grand Hall. Watching me during our Council meetings, as he was a valued member. One particular evening, after the evening dinner, Rose, my ladies' maid, approached me from behind, curtseying but staying low.
"Yes, Rose?"
"My Queen, I have been asked to give you this." She whispered, taking my hand and kissing it in greeting. I felt a small slip of paper transfer from her hands to mine in that small gesture of greeting.
"Thank you, Rose." She nodded, and slipped away. Noting William was occupied by the guest on his right, I turned my hand over to read the note.
East wing corridor. Just before midnight. I cannot stay away from you any longer.
I quickly crumpled the note, debating the best course of action to be rid of it. My heart was racing, and it felt suddenly warm in the Grand Hall.
My footsteps silently echoed through the winding halls. I tried to stay within the shadows, even though their was no activity in these halls at this late hour. I darted across the shafts of moonlight that periodically lightened the stone floor and walls. Quickly making a right turn, I stopped and leaned against the wall to catch my breath. My heart was racing, not so much from walking quickly, but instead from realizing the gravity, and reality, of my situation.
I knew he was just down the corridor from me. I could sense him there, waiting for me to say something. Anything. What were we really doing?
"I came." I whispered into the darkness, afraid to step further towards the figure I knew was hidden in the shadows. The moment I took a step in his direction, I would be making a declaration. One I could never step back from. I wanted to tread that line very carefully.
"You did." He whispered back. A small shift in the shadows was my only indication that he had moved closer to me. We stayed silent for a few minutes, though my erratic breathing could probably be heard across the castle.
"Where do we go from here?" I hoped my voice conveyed strength as I struggled for my next breath, trying to calm my nerves. I heard him chuckle, the deep tenor of his voice rumbling like thunder down the hallway.
"My sweet Queen, that is entirely up to you." He took another step closer to me, and his face became illuminated in the small shaft of moonlight. I lost what little resolve I held on to and ran into his waiting arms. Those warm arms pressed me close, and I buried my face in his neck. I could feel the small kisses he placed on the top of my head and my temple. Pulling my head away from his neck, I looked up into his face. Those blue eyes pierced right through me, as if my soul was not only an open book, but the words were pouring off the page. Untangling my arms from his neck, I cupped his face in my arms, caressing his cheeks with a soft movement of my thumb.
I decided to take that step, the one I could never step back from. I pulled his face down to meet mine, my lips crashing into his as if my body was riding a raging tide. His arms held me painfully close, and I let out a strangled cry against his lips. I pushed myself away to catch my breath, needing space.
"What are we doing? What am I doing?"I took a few steps back from him, watching his expression turn into one of defeat.
"So you are just going to run off now, is that it?"
"No. Of course not. But I need answers. This is a dangerous road, Eric, and if we do not take the right steps our fall will be a long one."
"Aye. I would rather not take your road, but I have. And I will not turn around." He approached me again, reaching his hands out to grab my hips and pull me against him. I laid my head gently on his chest, hearing the rapid beating of his heart. I was honestly happy with the closeness, and only admonished myself when I thought this closeness was not enough.
"We will have to be creatures of discreetness, Eric. This has to be our most closely guarded secret."
"Secret?" A confused look passed over his face. "You mean to stay with him? And what, have me on the side like some toy?" Anger was very evident in the words he spoke.
"He is my husband, and my King, and I love him dearly. I would not toss him aside." I tried to keep from shouting, as my anger was rising to meet his. "And you are not some toy. I love you, Eric, the man and my Captain. Can we not just be happy like this?"
"And make your husband a fool, Snow?" He laughed sadly, pinching the bridge of his nose while he walked. "We are traveling one road, yes, but there is another I desperately want to travel with you. So desperately, that I am willing to make a fool of a dear friend, and risk treason, to do so. I would go anywhere, and do anything for you."
"You ask an awful lot of me, to risk my family and possibly my title to be with you." My hand lifted to caress his cheek, wanting to be closer again but not allowing myself to be.
"Aye, I know I do."
"I must think on this for awhile. But know I leave you tonight with an understanding of my love for you." Not very gracefully, my hands clutched in his shirt, pulling him to me. I kissed him gently at first, but a bit more roughly as the seconds ticked on. I pushed myself away, our heavy breathing the only sound I could hear.
"Good night, for now." I whispered.
"Good night, my Queen." His voice was deeper, laced with a husky tone I had not heard before. I had to keep my body from running to him again.
Turning, I slipped quietly into the shadows, and headed back the way I came. My mind was made up, though I did not want to admit it. I would walk down the other road Eric mentioned, but when I would let my feet take that journey, I did not know. Right now, I just needed to rest, and think on things. I needed to think about my son, and how my actions could affect him. Mostly, I needed to think about William. Dear, kind, gracious and loving William. Do I still love him? Of course, without a doubt. How could I do this to him? I am being selfish, wanting what I cannot and should not have.
But oh how I want him.
