A/N: Actually spent days on this chap. It's be written and re-written so many times. I actually had split it into three pieces because it got to long, so the next updates shouldn't be so bad, but life is catching up to me, so creative thoughts are going to be scarce. But I'm keeping up with my theme of Peeta talking through his recovery in the capitol to Katniss. I haven't heard much from people, so if you have any thoughts maybe a review would help me cook up something that you were wondering about from Peeta's view too.


I start off what tell you out right- I am not crazy.

Let's just get that out of way now Katniss. I'm just a little out of practice.

Dr. Aurelius defines it more as a weakness. It's a weakness that's undone me, but I thought I was in it for the long-term, but I understand now that your view is only for the short-term. Your survival background deems it a necessity from you, so will it always be this way? A question of who will make to see the sun rise tomorrow.

A challenge to universe of who can play survival of the fittest.

Dr. Aurelius talks and I listen most of the time, but I'm too tired to take in too much of what he says to me lately. I listened to the scientists of the capitol before, and look where it got me.

Look what it did to you.

To us.

As if there ever really could have been an us…

He tells me that part of what is burdening me is that I know your secrets. At least I tell myself that I need to safeguard your secrets.

He said today that it's how I cope now. It's part of the way I am, and I can't help but think- of the mutt in my dreams, the one that never strays from my dreams for too long. She knows my secrets, and she's after yours.


I used to bother my brother at night. I would talk in my sleep and wake him up with my incessant cries. But nights like tonight I wish he were here now to tell me to shush, to put a hand on my shoulder, to tell me that it wasn't real, and to lie to me that my mother loved me. It's this thought that triggered those evil shiny images to pop up tonight, and I began a battle to keep my mind, whatever is left of it now.

But after each one of these I just wish you were there somehow. Dr. Aurelius says that pretty soon they'll come to get me, if I can't improve.

I know right now you can't tell. You can't see what being away from you is doing to me. So right now, just for a while could you just stay? This image I see of you. The voice I hear tells me that you need me. The voice that I know, in my heart of hearts will probably never be able to want me. I would like this person to be here.

Even though you can't really be here. I'd still like for you to see a much more different side of me. After my fight for improvement each day. I'm able to pick myself up, and brush myself off.

I'm getting better at looking better than I did in 13. I think of how glad I am that you are somewhere I can find you. Somewhere we will be on equal playing ground. I've lost just about everything there is to lose and so have you.


I had another dream tonight, I could see the planes of your face: your chin, your determined eyebrows, and your lips- everything. I can't help but feel like I need to memorize every inch of your face, like a blind man hoping beyond hope that he will see what he once did, all over again.

You seemed so kind, and when you opened your eyes they smoldered and burned into me with their desire. You seemed to have chosen in this dream. But after looking and not touching for what felt like hours I moved. I went for the kill; however, just as I got close enough to you and then you were gone. Almost as though my subconscious is trying to reinforce the message that you've so clearly bestowed upon me.

You don't wait for what you don't need.

After my dream I hope beyond hope that soon enough you will think of me. I've gone back and forth with Dr. Aurelius telling him what's real or not real. I watch tapes and listen to others account of how it used to be.

When I wasn't split in two.

When I wasn't torn into shreds.

Of how I was saved from my cell.

But I can attest that from one hell I was brought and only transferred into one more kind of torture.

Only slowly pieced together with a very weak glue. A weak bond. No rock to settle on and depend on at all.

My family gone.

My home destroyed.

My life taken three times over.

In this vivid and almost too sane a moment I wish to ask where you were… If he'd answer truthfully I'd ask Haymitch. But we both know along with others that he clearly holds ties with you.

Tonight I wish to ask you so much, but I know you can't answer me now, and maybe you never will be able to at all.

how you could let me be this way? Why could you never let me be enough, and why was I not worth you coming to save- Katniss will you ever answer me?


I've missed my chance. And you're too late. You've already chosen, it's not me, but thankfully it's not him either. Dr. Aurelius had me think about what it means to have a choice. He had me visualize and begin a list of things from my life that I regret having no choice in. I thought of you and I, and he almost seemed disappointed and sad. I watched as his brows furrowed together, and his lips were forced into a firm line of deep assessment as he contemplated my words as left his room today.

"She'll go on with her life without ever knowing how much I appreciated her and her actions. She'll never understand the feeling that I've wasted my life, my mind, and my heart. Because it will love her forever."