A Strong Fragility Chapter 4

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

"Can I come in?" Munch wouldn't enter the cribs without her permission, the grunt he heard was access enough. He didn't seem surprised or even interested in the way she paced, the way she walked tiny circles in the small room. "Want to talk, vent, scream? All of the above?"

"No." Olivia was angry. It was a contained anger which suggested she was using her fury as a disguise. "Just like that? How can he just decide now is the time to leave, just like that?"

John smiled at the way women worked. He knew Olivia may not have wanted to vent, but surely she needed to. She knew it and now so did he. He lowered himself down onto one of the bunks so that she would be free to let him have it.

"We lost a couple of kids. Okay, that's tough. I get it, it is but Cragen is tougher than that. He has been through so much, seen so much and dealt with so much. Why now?" Olivia looked to John as if he had the answer.

"Maybe because he's been through so much, seen so much and dealt with so much."

Olivia stopped pacing, stopped moving and nearly stopped breathing. Cragen did say she'd know when it was time and by saying that he meant he knew it was time for him. She sat down on a bunk directly across from John. "You knew."

"I did." John's short answer told Olivia he supported their captain's decision.

"Did you know Elliot wouldn't come back as well?"

"No."

Olivia ran her hands through her hair, refusing to look her long-time colleague in the eyes. When she did finally look back up at him, she fought against the urge to ask him what she suddenly so desperately needed to know. She lost her fight as the words seemed to escape without her permission. "When are you leaving?"

"Soon."

Olivia nodded and got to her feet. Of course John too would leave. Cragen knew it and John hadn't hidden it and Olivia hadn't given much thought to how his leaving would affect her. "I've got to go get my head shrunk now so I can get back to work. Amaro on his own is a bit scary."

John lowered his glasses so that Olivia could see his eyes. "Feel, deal and heal and you've got an hour to do it."

Feel, deal and heal. There was no crying in the SVU. No time and if there was a need to grieve, mourn or question it had to be done on your own time in your own way. Olivia knew the rules. She had learned them same as the new eager and ready detectives would. She had to make an appearance, show the anger, show the sorrow and vow to make a difference. She would have to deliver a convincing performance that said she felt as though she were still able to make a difference. There really was no room for angry outbursts, necessary tears or hypothetical questions in these sessions. She knew to answer what was asked, no more no less. And to keep a consistent tone in her voice that said although she was angry and saddened by the loss of those children, her emotions were not overwhelming therefore disabling.

xxxxx

"Olivia, come in." George Huang opened the door and waited patiently as his former colleague stared him down.

"Wow, they send in the best for me? I must be in worse shape than I thought." Olivia smiled at George, but he couldn't smile back. He could sense her anxiousness and her loss. Her wounded colleague, the two children, her partner and now her captain.

"Cragen asked me to be here for you, is that a problem, Sergeant?" Huang took a seat, offering but not demanding Olivia do the same. "Congratulations on your promotion."

Olivia smiled again at the use of her new formal title. "A couple extra dollars and a bit more paperwork. A rite of passage, maybe?"

"I understand it has been a rough year. I also understand it is about to get even tougher." George's tone sometimes annoyed Olivia, not so much today. She looked up at him with his words and he felt pressed to continue. "If life were easy it would be over; at least that's how some look at it."

"Is that how you see it?" Olivia's words were mumbled and she wasn't sure if she were relieved or just annoyed that Cragen called in Huang for her evaluation.

"Doesn't matter how I see it, not today, not for your evaluation."

Olivia shook her head and got to her feet. "I knew you would say that. No, I don't believe life should always be hard. But I know better than to believe it is without its challenges as well."

George was quiet, Olivia recognized the tactic.

"You want to know how I feel about losing those kids yesterday? You want to know if I am angry about it, or overwhelmingly depressed or just without care or concern at all. Isn't that what you will be reporting?" Olivia was angry but she was unsure as to exactly who she was upset with.

"If that's what you want to talk about." George's tone never changed and that was beginning to piss Olivia off.

"I'd like to talk about whatever we need to so that I can get back to work. I have a partner that needs me, another detective in the hospital that needs me, a captain that just dropped a bomb on me and most likely needs an answer from me and countless women, children...and victims that will need me. I need to talk about whatever will get me a go so that I can get back to work."

"Olivia, have you given much thought to what you will do when this is all over? When it is time to leave the SVU and continue on either with your career or you life separate from the career?" George allowed the anger and the exhaustion to fly safely between them, this was what he was called in for and he believed they both knew it.

"I have. I wonder if it isn't time now." Olivia returned to a sitting position and her calm posture suggested she had worked her way through at least some of the emotion she had contained. "Cragen is leaving shortly, he told me this morning."

Huang simply nodded his head, knowing Olivia knew he would ask how she felt about that.

"He wants me to consider taking his position. He was going to go to the powers that be and make a bid for me." Olivia ran her hands through her hair as she took in a few deep breaths. "I'm not ready for that."

"Why not?"

Olivia's eyes shot up as she caught George's question. "I just made Sargent. Captain?"

"You've been a Sargent for the better part of this year and it would be an unusual promotion, but you're more than capable of stepping in and running a squad, this squad. You've had an excellent teacher." Huang smiled then and Olivia couldn't help but match it.

"Cragen fell off the wagon last night."

"I'm sure he'll take in a meeting tonight, maybe two. This is not his session though, it's yours. Talk to me, Liv." Huang sat up in his chair and the subtle shift only seemed to get Olivia's attention that much more. "Talk to me about Elliot and how this case is forcing you to ignore the parallels that are staring you in the face. Abraham O'fion. Victor Gitano. They never go away, Liv. You may put them away and move on, but they never go away."

"I can't live in the past, can't change it." Olivia cursed herself for allowing her voice to waver.

"Can't ignore it when you can't forget it. So you use it to better understand, to better cope and to better heal. Talk to me, Liv."

"You got something you want to say to me? 'Cause if you do, let's hear it."

"Why didn't you shoot Gitano?"

"He was using the child as a shield."

"How could you let him get so close to you?"

"There were innocent civilians around, I couldn't get a shot."

"Well, he got close and Ryan's dead."

"So, this is my fault?"

"Nah, I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're okay!"

"You son of a bitch, you know that's not true!"

"I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue!"

"Victor Gitano, you remember that case." Olivia knew Huang did, they all did. "We lost the boy."

"You saved the little girl."

"But we lost the little boy!" Olivia was angry and wanted it to show now. "You want me to talk about Elliot? He chose me and we lost the boy."

"Is that how it was, Olivia?"

"That's how he saw it."

"Was it?" Huang lost to nobody when it came to this game and the look on Olivia's face showed that she couldn't believe she had challenged him.

"I heard about yesterday at the bus terminal. It's terrible. I'm really sorry. You know in situations like this..."

"Please don't tell me there's nothing I could've done. Thanks."

"I was going to say that in situations like this, there's no good choice. Every choice becomes a sacrifice."

"Not true."

You had to choose between saving the little boy or saving Olivia."

"But she didn't need me."

"You didn't know that."

"I wish I didn't..."

"Didn't what? Didn't care so much? Elliot, that's what makes you a good partner."

"She made me turn away."

"How? How did she make you do anything?"

"She didn't. It was my choice and no one else is responsible for it but me."

Olivia stared George down. She remembered the case, the tension, the conversation. She remembered how it felt to lose those kids and then to ultimately lose Elliot. She felt she had lost him, but she couldn't have known until last year how that would affect her. "Elliot has nothing to do with this case. Raul Rossello was a live wire. There was no winning that one."

"So, he wasn't on your mind at all during the standoff? You didn't see Ryan and Rebecca when you held those children? You didn't see Gitano when you talked to Rossello?" Huang hurled the question at Olivia and they both knew she would not answer any one of them.

"If that sniper hadn't beaten you to it, I know you would've taken that shot, Olivia."

"No, I wouldn't have. Did you really expect me to? Did you really expect me to cause your death? What about your kids?"

"I don't know. I just couldn't get that boy out of my head."

"What about me?"

"Look, we both chose each other over the job. We can never let that happen again...otherwise...we can't be partners."

"Can't believe you're saying that."

"You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore. I don't wanna wreck that. I couldn't take it."

"Elliot has chosen to leave. It was his time." Olivia looked away, knowing Huang wouldn't miss the way she still reacted to losing her partner. Her words said she accepted that he left for his own reasons, but her voice gave away how she still felt abandoned.

"That brings us back to my question. Will you know when it is your time? What will you do when it is?" Huang had heard enough and his easy tone hadn't changed at all throughout the conversation with Olivia. "Tell me, Olivia. Why did you come off of vacation? You weren't required to."

"Rossello wanted Detectives Benson and Stabler. He wanted his kids back and he wanted us to make that happen. How could I have said no?" Olivia's voice was low and controlled.

"Someday you will." Huang matched her tone.

"Cragen said when we stop feeling, then we'll know it's time to go. Do you think he's stopped feeling?" Olivia could feel the tears starting but refused to allow their escape. "Do you think that's why he has decided to leave?"

"He was on scene, was he not?"

Olivia nodded.

"What do you think, Olivia? Did Captain Cragen stop caring about his calling?" Huang gave Olivia a few thoughts to ponder as he got to his feet.

"Are we done here, because I really want to get back. I need to type up my DD5's, put this away so I can then move on to the next case." Olivia didn't wait for an answer, instead headed for the door.

"Olivia, for what it's worth, I don't think Captain Cragen will ever stop caring. About his job, about getting justice for those victims and about his people. He will never stop caring about his people."

Olivia nodded, then took a few seconds before heading out. She knew only she could answer whether or not she was done with SVU. As she left Huang behind, she could only say for sure that she just wasn't sure.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

The familiar sounds of the busy squad room seemed so much louder as Olivia exited the elevator. She met Nick's eyes just as they looked away. She looked for John, finding him behind closed doors with Cragen. "What's going on?"

"Not sure. Cragen got a call about an injured woman found out in Queens." Nick stood, glancing into Cragen's office, but trying to keep his attention on Olivia as well.

"Nick, Queens? That's not us." Olivia looked into Cragen's office as well, before looking back at Nick with a dreaded glare. "Who is it?"

Nick shrugged, wishing he had more for Olivia. "The woman asked for you specifically."

Olivia looked back into Cragen's office where she met his eyes. It was then that he came out and stood before her. "Captain?"

"This is not our case and we are not investigating it, is that clear?" Cragen waited for a response from Olivia before continuing. She nodded and he then looked at Munch and Nick before taking a step closer to Olivia. "Olivia, it's Maria Recinos."

Olivia flinched at the mention of the little girl's name. She then took a few steps back and carefully lowered herself into her desk chair. She refused to look up at anybody, instead dropped her head into her hands. She tried to quickly do the math. Seven, eight years ago.

"Liv, she's been taken to Mercy. She asked for you." Cragen kept his eyes on his detective as she fought through her initial emotions.

"Was she raped?" Olivia looked up hoping to judge Cragen's immediate response to her question.

"I have no details at this point. Go, Liv. Take Amaro with you." Cragen turned and walked back into his office where he closed the door before sitting down behind his desk.

"John?" Olivia got to her feet, wanting to follow Cragen but knowing he had nothing more for her.

"I don't know, Liv. Patrol found her, said she was injured pretty bad. Beaten." Munch motioned with his head for Nick to get Olivia moving. "She asked for you, she needs you."

Olivia held John's eyes with her own. He didn't have to say anything more to let her know he knew what this girl meant to her.