Things have not gotten any easier. Everywhere I look I think of him. From the sound of a piano playing to the sarcastic comment.

After the funeral I moved back to Princeton. I was offered my old job back, and I took it. Being back here has helped a bit, I get to see and talk to Wilson and it had helped me grieve. Being back here has also not helped. I pass by his office almost everyday and everytime I do I keep thinking that I will see him sitting at his desk. It has been almost 5 months since he left.

As I was walking past, I noticed that nobody was in the office or connecting I was walking past, I noticed that nobody was in the office or connecting room, so I decided to go in. Everything looks the same, all of his books, his PSP, and all of his thinking toys. I took a seat in his desk, and took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and just started to think. This is the place where I yelled at him countless times, where I first introduced him to Rachel, where I first said I love you, and now there is no evidence of those memories. The only proof is in my mind, and some day those memories will fade, and I wont be able to remember everything. I started to cry, and it was like the tears were just memories, every tear felt like a memory, just flowing out. I grabbed a tissue off of his desk and wiped away the tears. I still had the same thought on my mind since the day he died.

Even though people will think its stupid, I still feel like this is my fault. If I would have given him another chance maybe he would still be here. We could have been married my now, maybe we could have even had a child together. Now all of that is gone, and it is never a possibility.

People say that when you lose someone, time is the only thing that helps you heal, but ever since that day, time has made the wounds deeper. Everything reminds me of him in some way. Wilson has been trying to help, but no matter what he says it can't fix me.

Since that day, I have been thinking about just ending it. No more pain, no more suffering. The only thing that is keeping me here is Rachel. She needs me, but I can't be here for her when I am in constant pain. I have barely seen her these last few weeks, not wanting her to see me cry. She has mostly been with the nanny or Wilson. I know he is capable of taking care of her.

This thought hasn't gone away through these last few months, and it is a possibility. The pain is just too much.