Chapter 3: The Door At The End Of The Hallway
My hands were shaking when I pulled into the driveway. I slowly hit my head against the window a few times. What the hell had I just done? What was I thinking? I shouldn't have opened myself up like that,even if it was just with my honest opinion about cheerleaders and a stupid rant about high school boys. Now I was even more vulnerable than before. Just perfect.
I blamed it on Finn. He had that something. He made me vulnerable. He saw me in ways no one had ever seen me before. And what did I do? I handed him my heart in a silver plate saying: "Here is my intimacy and my soul. Please grind them into hamburger and enjoy".
"I hate to love" I though as I opened the front door.
A quiet melody was crying from our black baby grand,backgrounding an enthusiastic conversartion about Liza Minelli's last public appearence.
My dads were home.
"Sweetheart,you're late!" Said my dad n•1 from the kitchen when I walked in.
"Sorry. Glee practise" I replied,giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.
"Ah,Glee Club! How's that going?"
"Alright I guess"
"Uh huh?" He raised an eyebrow,having noticed my lack of interest in having any conversation. "What solo are we gonna hear you sing in this year's Sectionals?"
"Dunno"
I headedout,all that I wanted was to lock in my room and hide under my bed for a few years until I figure out what to do with myself.
"Where are you going?" My dad n•2 intercepted me halfway trough the hall. "We're gonna eat rissotto and perform some Chicago numbers! It's your favourite".
"It's actually your favourite." I felt a shot of guilt after saying it when I saw the dissapointed look on his face. "Maybe tomorrow,okay? I have a lot to study. Big test tomorrow".
"Fine. Don't stay up late".
I ran upstairs and closed the door of my bedroom behind me.
My bedroom. Many people had laughed at me because of me,Puck,more than once. He hag a point,though: It was not what you'd call a 'hot' place to make out in. I knew it could pass for the bedroom of a girl much younger than me (a young girl who liked Broadway shows and had posters of them in every wall).
It was little too pink and a little too inmature,but who cared? That was my secret way to admit that I was still a little insecure about becoming an adult. All teenagers are. They're afraid of growing up,because even if you were a big dreamer like me,we couldn't know for sure what the future holds. Right now,the word "future" was a synonim of "uncertainty",and the only thing certain was that I was a hot mess.
I lay in my bed and opened my laptop infront of me. There was a message from Kurt:
"Hey Rachel! Mercedes and I are gonna go shopping tomorrow. All my shows are already from last season. Wanna tag along?"
"I don't know,Kurt. I'll think about it. But thanks" I typed.
"What's going on with you?"
"Nothing. I'm bussy"
"Yeah,sure"
"I'm fine"
"That's the most used phrase by people who are defitnily not fine."
I closed my laptop before allowing the conversation to go on.
No,I wasn't fine. But that didn't mean I wanted to talk about it. I liked Kurt,and I knew he meant well. It simply annoyed me that he couldn't understand that there were some things that I liked to keep to myself,and that I didn'y need to discuss everything to death. It made me feel weak. It made me feel like the victim I no longer wanted to play.
I didn't want to ask for help. I wanted to be my own savior,because I didn't know a lot,but I knew one thing: You can't count on no one but yourself.
I'd better get used to the idea that nobody could be fully trust. Because that was it: People dissapoint you,people lie,people leave you behind. The wounds wouldn't heal just because I talked about them. Sometimes we just have to let them be. Wait until they stop hurting so much. Wait until they become scars,ghostes of a long-gone pain that still lingers over our skin from time to time.
Damage is unevitable. All we can do is try to get damaged for the right reasons.
Hearts get broken,and life doesn't stop to wait for anyone while they fix them. All we can do is try to get our hearts broken by the right person.
I could almost feel the wreckages inside my chest before falling into a dreamless sleep.
If there's anything I had learnt in those high school hallways,is that sometimes,the crowdest places are the loneliest ones.
I felt uncomfortable when I passed by the place where I had been sitting in the day before. It wss like the tears hadn't dry yet,and they were still there,on the white floor,waiting for someone to notice them.
The door to the choir room was at the end of the hallway. If you think about it,and I often did, we all have "that" door. The door that offers you a path of the crowded and lonely place,the door that leads you to a place where,even just for a while,you feel like you belong. You know you're not a mistake. It doesn't mean anything changes,though: You're still a misfit. You're still a freak show. You're still a loser. But proudly so.
We are all supposed to have a door at the end of the hallway.
As usual,I was the first one to arrive. The sit infront of the piano was still empty and nothing about that week assigment had been written in the board yet.
I sat on the back and waited for everyone to arrive.
Brittany and Santana came in,gigling and whispering as always. Then Blaine and Kurt. I rolled my eyes when I saw they were holding hands. Why? I was not an anti-romantic. In fact,I was pretty much of a hopeless romantic.
Look where that had brought me.
Mercedes,Tina,Mike,Puck,Quinn.
Finn.
I staref at the point of my knees where my socks ended,trying to avoid eye contact. If anyone was able to see the tears on the floor besides my locker,that washim.
"You are my door at the end of the hallway" The whisper escaped from my lips before I had time to stop it.
Everyone turned in their seats to stare at me.
"Is there anything you wanna share with us,Rachel?"Asked ,who had just walked in.
"Um...no" I stuttered,feeling like my friend's eyes were making holes all over my body.
For the first time in my life,I sank in my chair,wishing that I could be as small as I felt,so the looks wouldn't get to me.
"Okay then" Said ,turning to the board.
When he movef again,there were two words written in it:
BEING ENOUGH.
"As always,I have no clue where you're going with this" Saids Santana "But if with 'being enough' you mean 'having enough fat in your body',I beg you not to worry about it,because with Squeashy Tits over here,I think we got that covered".
Long ago, had chosen to ignore Santana's bitchy comments,but I couldn't help chuckling this time. Because,from my experience,love and hate (specially the part of hate that involves anger and revenge) came together.
"We've already talked about how the greatest songs come from pain" He continued "What differences the artists who sing this songs from each other is what kind of pain they talk about. Many talk about the pain that comes with love problems,but very few talk about how much it hurts when the one you don't feel okay with is yourself. So that's what WE are gonna talk about. How many of you feel like you're good enough?"
"I didn't pay for a therapy session,thank you very much" I snapped. tended go too far. He understood people too well. He had way to see trough us,to discover things and feelings about ourselves we didn't even know we had. But that time,I did know what I feel. I just had never though I would feel it. And it made me uncomfortable to think that someone else was more honest about my own feelings than me.
It surprised me to see 12 hands raising. I looked around in confussion.
Even the fiery Santana and the badass Noah had raised theirs.
grinnef,pleased with the result of his little speech.
"Your assigment for this week is to find a song that will help you get that stupid idea out of your minds. Because who gets to determinate where 'good' starts being 'good enough'?..."
Unvoluntary,I looked at the tall boy with the handsome half-smile in the leatherman football jacket. At least I knrw who determinated it for me.
"...So,you're gonna stand right here infront of every and delight us all with your solo. And apart from that,now that Sectionals are close,we gotta keep these in mind: If they told us we're not enough,then we're gonna make ourselves enough"
I gave a confident nod. As always, was one step ahead
of me.
"Make myself enough"
"Make myself enough"
"Make myself enough"
The phrase echoed in my mind all the hour long,until I heared the bell ringing.
That time,I didn't turn around to watch Finn taking Quinn's hand to their Biology class.
I walked with Kurt and Mercedes with the friendlist smile I could show.
"Hey guys" I grinned"Are you still up for that shopping today?"
"Yeah" Said Mercedes "Wanna tag along?"
"Uh huh. I think I want to have a little make over".
