Chapter 4
After he left the Great Hall Arthur returns to his chambers, Merlin's parting words are ringing in his ears. He sighs heavily as he sits in front of the fire which had been lit by a servant while he was out as the sun had set already, the moon is rising in the sky; bathing the room in silver light.
He stares into the golden flames as he remembers the conversation he had with his Father and Merlin; both of their words swirling in his mind. The time trickles by as he contemplates what to do next. He is brought to his senses by a servant bringing his evening meal; he picks at the slices of meat and chews them absentmindedly, occasionally sipping the sweet wine.
He starts to get a headache after another half hour of staring into the fire so he stands to go to bed, he only then realises how tired he feels. He strips down to his undergarments leaving a trail of clothes on the floor as he makes his way to bed. He shuffles underneath the covers, burrowing himself into the warmth. Surrounded by the cosy blanket and with his head laid on a soft pillow he soon succumbs to sleep.
The next morning finds Arthur preoccupied with training the knights to think of anything other than sword of battle techniques; it allows him a rest from his emotions. He feels almost cleansed when he steps out of the bathtub in the early afternoon, by fighting with the knights he had allowed some of his anger to be released; making him feel lighter and refreshed.
However, now he is alone all the thoughts from the past week come flooding back in; he needs to figure out what he wants to do. His and Merlin's relationship had been so new; they had only been courting for a few weeks when it happened. Even though they had been friends for years they were only just beginning to learn about each other as lovers.
Arthur is glad that it happened now, rather than months down the line after they had become a settled couple; that would have been much worse. But is he able to forgive Merlin? That was the big question floating around in his mind; did he want to live without Merlin by his side? He would survive without him of course, but did he want to be without the man who had always treated him like an ordinary person; the man he had grown to love.
He thought about Merlin, how sweet and caring the dark haired servant was. He would always rush to the aid of the town's people and other servants. He always had a smile for everyone or a kind word. Arthur remembers Merlin could always make him laugh. He remembered Merlin's smile, the way his eyes sparkled, the softness of his hair and the smoothness of his skin; how his body was so sensitive to his touch.
The image of Merlin being caressed by the hands of another man unwillingly entered his mind, Merlin's lips kissing someone else's.
Rage clouds Arthur's vision as he lets out a scream of frustration and over turns the table as anger over took him. He suddenly feels he need to escape the castle, it feels like the walls are closing around him; suffocating him.
He flees the citadel and finds himself sat in the tavern, immediately downing a flagon of mead. A refill soon arrives in front of him. He sits there for hours, now slowly sipping at the drink.
As sunset approaches Arthur realises he is creeping towards drunkenness and should probably make his way back to his rooms. Before he can move however a young woman sits next to him, fluttering her eyelashes that surrounded dark green eyes.
"Hello your majesty, I'm Hilaria." She smiles coyly at him, twirls a strand of her red tinted hair around her finger.
He decides that she is indeed pretty and that some flirting would not be out of the question. He sits with Hilaria for while and she titters on about the town gossip which he is barely paying attention but makes sure his expression seems interested. He is not sure how long they talk for but he definitely notices the way she is inching closer to him, her arm is fully pressed up against his own. He looks her in the eye and she smiles back at him, their faces are almost touching.
Arthur takes her face between his hands and guides her lips to his. They start with tentative pressing of lips but it soon progresses to hard kisses. Arthur pushes one hand into her hair while the other rests on her thigh, her hands grasp his biceps.
The strands of her hair slip between his fingers and he subconsciously thinks 'Merlin's hair is softer'. Her lips move against his own 'Merlin's lips are slightly chapped and he tastes different'. Suddenly his mind is bombarded by thoughts of Merlin, comparing Hilaria to the dark haired man and finding her coming up short.
He extracts his hands and lips from her; she looks at him slightly confused as to why he pulls away.
"I'm sorry, you're a nice girl but I..."
"You're in love with someone." She interrupts with a genuine smile.
Arthur pauses for a moment as Merlin flits through his mind, emotions surge within him; hurt, anger and love. He still loves Merlin, he nods at Hilaria absently.
She presses a hand to his arm comfortingly before getting up and walking away; Arthur leaves the tavern.
Arthur lay on his back in his bed, staring at the wooden roof of his four post bed. His mind is filled with thoughts of kissing Hilaria, how it felt nice to kiss her but it didn't feel right. Her body was too curvy, her lips too plump and hair too long. He wanted hard lines and muscles, chapped lips that answer with as much desperation as his own and short soft hair that felt like fine silk in his fingers.
Arthur found himself becoming aroused of the thought of a man pressed against his body, he allowed himself to touch his cock; slowly stroking the organ as he fantasises about long slender fingers gliding across his chest and gripping his blonde hair. He lets out a shuddering breath as he imagines pushing his tongue into a warm receptive mouth while pulling a pale thigh to wrap around his waist. His hand moves faster as he sees his fingers sliding inside the hole of a man writhing on his bed. He moans loudly as he climaxes to the thought of pushing his cock into Merlin's body while staring into lust filled blue eyes.
He allows himself to calm down before cleaning himself up with towel he had used after his bath earlier. He lies in his bed, the last tendrils of pleasure leaving his body as he admits to himself that he loves and wants Merlin.
The next day; early afternoon
Arthur had thought about what he wanted to say to Merlin all morning, thinking and re-thinking about how to converse with him. But now Merlin was stood in front of him, he was lost for words.
The silence between the two lasted for many moments, Arthur not sure what to say and Merlin kept his eyes to the floor waiting for Arthur to speak; when finally the blonde did.
"I kiss a girl at the tavern last night." It wasn't quite the way Arthur wants to start the conversation but it is as good a place as any, after all that's what caused him to come to the decision to talk to the manservant.
Merlin's eyes widen slightly at the confession his is not overly surprised, he thought the Arthur may seek out someone else but it did not prevent the twinge of hurt he felt. He says nothing but nods letting Arthur know he has heard him.
"It was nice; she was quite pretty and had soft lips." Arthur says; he isn't quite sure why but maybe he subconsciously wants to inflict pain on Merlin. It works; Merlin feels swirls of hurt in his stomach but keeps them at bay as he knows he does not have the right to be upset.
Arthur watches Merlin's reaction, he sees the slight flinch and hurt in the other man's eyes, and it brings Arthur only a small piece of satisfaction.
"But it didn't feel right. She felt wrong because she wasn't you." Arthur announces. "So I want to know what happened between you and my father."
Merlin is surprised by the request and squirms anxiously. "I ..." Merlin coughs to clear his throat. "I took him his medicine for his shoulder. He touched my fingers when I passed and took back the vial, when I took it back he pushed me against the wall and kissed me." Merlin glances at Arthur, who nods stiffly to continue. "I was stunned for a moment, but kissed back. We kissed for a few minutes, and then I touched his hair. It startled me because it was coarse and all I could think was Arthur's hair is softer. That's when I pushed him away and left."
Arthur sits down and allows himself to process what Merlin had told him. He looks at the other man. "Do you want me to forgive you?"
"I do not deserve your forgiveness."
"But do you want me to forgive you?" Arthur presses.
Merlin screws his eyes shut for a moment as he feels tears start to form, of course he would love for Arthur to forgive him but he cannot say that. "I only want you to be happy."
Arthur growls. "So you don't care, you claim to love me but you don't even ask for forgiveness. Are you so impassive towards me and our relationship?!"
A small whimper passes Merlin's lips. "No, I do love you, but I do not deserve to be forgiven. I cannot ask for it! I cannot be so selfish!"
Arthur watches the other man as tears escape his eyes but he keeps his bright eyes fixed on the stone floor.
"Merlin. Look at me." Arthur waits for those blue eyes to connect with his, when they do he sees guilt swimming in their depths and knows that Merlin is truly sorry for what he did. "Our relationship was very young; we were only just beginning to know each other. I still love you Merlin, that hasn't changed but I do not fully trust you anymore."
Merlin nods in understanding as more tears leak out of his eyes.
"I would like for us to court for a while, to see if it will be possible for me to be able to trust you again and see if it is possible for us to start our relationship again. We would have to start from scratch Merlin; I cannot just continue our relationship."
Merlin looks up at the blonde with wonder and hope in his eyes, almost disbelieving that words coming out of his mouth.
"I love you Merlin, so I am willing to give you this second chance; but there will not be a third." Arthur warns. "If anything like this happens again I will want nothing more to do with you." Merlin nods vigourously. "But first you must ask.
Merlin sobs. "I am so sorry. Please, please, forgive me."
"It may not be easy for me to forgive you Merlin, but I want to try."
The dark haired man drops to his knees and cries with happiness.
