Karigan turned on her heel and walked slowly away from the door of the king's study. Three times in the last four days she had asked to see him, and three times had received the reply from the Weapon on duty that he did not wish to be disturbed. She paused around the corner and let out a deep breath, willing her racing heartbeat to slow. She was beginning to feel rather frustrated; after all the trouble she had to go through to simply work up the nerve to face the king, and he did not wish to see her after all. The first day, in fact, she had barely even reached the corridor leading to the Royal Apartments before she lost courage and ran in the opposite direction.

But more than that, she was worried. It had been over a week since Fastion spoke to her, which meant only three weeks remained until the nobles returned, like vultures to the kill. And things were getting worse; Zachary had cancelled both of the public audience sessions this week, which was noticeably out of character for him. Whatever rumours were circulating about the king before would be much worse now.

It should have felt strange, she mused as she quietly entered her room, worrying about someone she had tried so hard to get out of her head. But it forced her to admit to herself that she never really had. And besides, it was hard to forget the king when one lived in the castle and was duty bound to serve and protect him.

This was just temporary, she told herself sternly. She'd talk to him and then let him go forever. If she even succeeded in seeing him, that was. It was her duty after all. Cade would have understood.

Sleep didn't come easily that night, and when it did, strange beasts chased her through dark landscapes. Wild claws tore at her cloak and the sound of their hot breath almost drowned out the pounding of horses hooves as she rode on, on... The king was in danger and she knew she must save him but his figure, a tiny speck on the horizon, suddenly turned and rushed towards her in the form of a great Dragon... Wheeling her horse around she gallopped in the opposite direction, not sure if she was fleeing from the beast form of Zachary or from herself. The dripping forest watched as the frantic hoof beats drummed on and on...

She awoke suddenly, the rapid drumming from her dream echoed by her pounding heart. Unsure of what had woken her, she crossed to the dark window. Outside, the bells chimed what seemed to be four-hour. The adrenaline racing through her body seemed to make it impossible to sleep. She slipped a woollen shawl around her shoulders and was just reaching for her shawl when a light tap came at the door.

Karigan opened the door to see Fastion standing there, looking uncharacteristically impatient. "Our chance has come." Like some sequel to the strange dream sequence, she waded again through the oppressive dark, but this time following Fastion through eerily empty corridors, the flickering of torches making the walls rush past in flashes of colour amidst somnolent shadows.

Fastion turned abruptly and his new direction was so unexpected that Karigan in her half-awake state walked a few steps past him and had to reverse direction to enter the door he held open impatiently. The ice-cold swathes of moonlight lay glittering before them as the realisation hit her. " The Queen's solarium?" she asked in disbelief. "Study," Fastion corrected under his breath; he was already melting into the shadows in the far corner of the room. He nodded to another Weapon standing in the corner, Rory, Karigan guessed by his taller stature. And his presence meant someone else was here - not the Queen, she thought with some relief, but the King himself.

She nearly jumped as the king's figure came into a pool of light. His face was shockingly haggard, and she involuntarily took a step forward. He seemed to see her, for his eyes widened, and she forced herself to stay still, vaguely feeling as if she were preparing for a bout with Drent.

"Kari" he breathed, raising his hand towards her, then unexpectedly dropping it again. His brows drew together as if he were stopping himself from weeping. "Why does your form appear to me even when I am awake?"

She felt like a pain ripped through her chest at his soft words. She stepped towards him again, and took a deep breath, laying her hand on his arm. "Because I am actually here, Sire."

He stared down at the hand on his sleeve impassively for a moment, eying the pale white scars that were scattered across her knuckles. A remnant of the mirror shards. He quickly looked away and muttered quietly, "Would she have touched me if this were not a mere dream?"

Karigan frowned, as her worry began to turn to irritation, chasing away the last vestiges of sleep, "Sire, you are not well . . . ."

Zachary scoffed wryly, seeming to accept that the apparition was real, or at least willing to converse with it, and turned his body away from her to gaze out the window. "I suspect this will be a permanent state for me," he said bluntly. "But it is of no matter anymore to anyone but myself."

She exhaled slowly, trying not to let her growing anger show as she cocked her head to where Fastion and Rory stood in silent vigil. "Ah, so it is of no importance that your loyal Weapons dragged me out of bed? Or that you no longer speak to Laren?"

"I am surprised that you notice as much. Do you yourself only come at the bidding of your friends?" he asked forlornly, "You have avoided me since you came back. But I suppose I have myself to blame again for this state of affairs. It does not appear that I am not able to fulfill the expectations of myself or those around me. "

Karigan shook her head, choosing to ignore the injustice of his accusation as she struggled to follow this apparent non-sequitur. "But Sire, you have always been dedicated to the service of your people. You have served them justly - until, well, recently - and who can possibly expect more? Who can really judge us but the Gods, and ourselves?

His eyes glistened with tears, and he seemed to really look at her, his anguish palpable. "And that is why..." he waved his hands to indicate his helplessness. " The Gods have judged me Kari, and found me wanting. Why else was my newborn son taken from me? Every decision I made, that I judged to be right, has caused nothing but pain. And... in spite of trying to act selflessly, it was not enough. I dared to want something for myself."

She stiffened, "You do not mean that, you know it not to be true."

"Are you so sure that the gods did not decide to punish me? For my infidelity?"

"I chose to think that they would not take our their anger on a babe, who was well-loved, however short his time was with you," she said gently.

Zachary said nothing but his breathing became more erratic as he stifled what she suspected was a dry sob. She bit her lip but tentatively offered, "If I were to entertain that same line of thinking, I might blame the gods for the death of my mother and little sister, but nothing in life is certain. Anger and blame will not bring them back, nor will neglecting myself and my duties," she said pointedly.

"What would you suggest?" he rasped out with some difficulty.

She dryly remarked, "If Your Majesty will allow my impertinence?"

He gave her a look that was half embittered and half exasperated, but it was accompanied by a short nod.

She took a fortifying breath as she chose her next words. Words that she would have never dared utter if not for the gravity of the situation. "You can start by not frightening those closest to you with your reclusive habits. Allow yourself to make decisions, to move forward. Trust your judgement. I had expected better of you than this, why have you allowed this to dominate who you are?"

A spark was ignited in his eyes as he raked his hands through his unkempt hair and shrugged, carelessly turning on his heel and walking to the window. Bracing his hands on the sill, he stared out into the night sky for several silent moments before he found his reply.

"I am not . . . proud of how I now appear to others. Believe me, I've had the conversation with myself a million times over why giving my heart to another was an ill-fated idea-," he said haltingly, "-but I could no more stop loving you than I could stop breathing," he finished with a direct look back at her flushed face.

Karigan tightened the shawl around her shoulders and stared down at the floor as the blood rushed to her cheeks, words seemingly lost. Damn him, she was trying to keep this impersonal, to make this about helping him, not about everything she had been avoiding. She sighed, realising that he needed - they both needed - to talk this through, and forced herself to resist the urge to run.

He gave a bitter smile and pushed off of the window to stand directly in front of her. "Even now, after all the hardship we have both endured, you still would deny what existed between us, however one-sided?"

Her head snapped up as she glared back brazenly. One-sided indeed!

She grit her teeth and lifted her chin ever so slightly as she replied, "Regardless of any personal feelings, our duties, our different social status, have always been clear. You have always known that it was likely you would marry for political advantage, but still, you persisted in allowing your feelings, while at the same time signing a marriage contract! If you really had feelings for me, you would not degrade me by somehow expecting me to overlook your betrothal! And you would not use those feelings as an excuse to feel sorry for yourself or for suddenly deciding you lack the courage to be decisive.

His knuckles whitened on the windowsill as his expression changed from astonished to furious.

Completely throwing caution to the wind, she straightened up to meet his hard stare, "You said it. You are not yourself, you have withdrawn from those who would offer advice, you are ceasing to carry out your duties or be of any use to your council -"

He sputtered and turned to walk away but she followed with a small stomp as she continued her heated rant, "- and I have hardly touched upon the fact that you look like something the cat dragged in, and it has not gone unnoticed! Do you think your neglect of the court has not set the gossips going? How even now, the visiting nobles already make plans to exclude you from the privy council?"

"I've never cared about gossip."

She bit back, "Do you not care that while the land is bracing for war, you have done nothing? You have not called upon your governors for men, nor made provisions for the upkeep of a marching army. You can't ignore this, it is not going to go away, nor -"

Zachary's golden eyes darkened dangerously as he cut in, "It is not for you to comment on my decisions. You gave up the chance to do so a long time ago."

Karigan leaned back slightly as if struck, but she held her almost quivering chin firm in the face of his accusing glance. "You are my king. My liege. It has always been my job to protect you, even if it is from yourself. And that is what I wish to do now, I want to help you remember who and what you are," she said quietly.

She shivered in the cool chamber and broke her gaze as they stood in an uncomfortable silence.

A shadow of guilt crossed his face at her words as he visibly deflated, then he whispered in an almost broken voice, "And if the needs of Sacoridia had not been pushed to the front . . . if my hand had not been forced... would you have done anything differently?"

Karigan wrapped her arms about herself tightly as she stared off into the distance. It seemed a thousand images flew past in her mind, each a moment captured in time. Moments of joy, triumph, contentment, but also tragedy, heartbreak, and finally resignation. Did she regret what had happened since she left Selium?

Despite it all, the answer was fairly simple.

She took a step forward and forced him to look up at her. "I wish I had known myself better, years ago, but I do not regret my service in the Corps."

A hint of a smile surfaced but it was tinged with infinite sadness.

She pursed her lips, "But you do need to stop this."

"Stop what exactly?"

She waved a hand to indicate his person. "Your brooding, your disinterest, your self-recrimination, whatever you want to call it. You are a king, you have others who rely on you."

He bristled, "You would belittle what I feel?"

"I belittle your coping methods," she snapped, "Do you think you are the only one who has had something denied to them? Something taken away?"

"If you are alluding to yourself, I would hardly know. You are not the most forthcoming of individuals," he said darkly.

Her shawl dropped as she drew herself up to her full height, still several inches below him unfortunately, and stalked up to jab her finger into his chest to force him back a few steps.

"Then I will tell you that perhaps I just don't have the luxury that some kings do of haphazardly throwing caution out the door. I have to protect myself as well as others," she said with a sniff, watching with relish as his face blanched ever so slightly.

Zachary glanced down and bent to gather up the soft folds of the shawl, his fingers playing with the threads as he straightened.

"Quite a confession," he murmured, "Considering your resistance to discuss the subject before now." He handed her the bundle of cloth and stepped back.

She re-wrapped the shawl about her, and shrugged. "Perhaps I am just tired of putting up a front, but it doesn't change things. You know where you have to be at the end of the day sire. And it isn't with me," she said gently.

"I cannot simply stop feeling," he muttered, "Do not ask me not to."

"And is it fair," she countered, "To blame others for what you saw coming, to what you agreed, nay decided, to do?"

"No," he admitted reluctantly, "but even knowing as I did that my life would be in the public sphere, I still feel betrayed that I could not have this one thing to make me happy, but instead was asked to sacrifice that which is most dear to me."

"So you will try then to live up to your title?"

He bowed his head in answer, a glint appearing in his eye. "And what will you do for me in return?"

She furrowed her brow, "Pardon?"

"Anyone else who would have dared speaking to me thus would not have fared as well," he commented.

Karigan inclined her head, grateful for this change but still wary. "Probably why Fastion brought me here . . ."

"And so-" he continued, "I would ask a boon of you."

She ventured, "I cannot promise to something unless I know what it is."

Zachary shook his head, "I only wish to ask one question and I want a truthful answer."

Karigan felt her heart lodge itself into her throat as she meet his heated gaze. Even a fool would know what was coming next, but instead of her usual trepidation, she felt her anxiety recede back to replaced with a level of calmness that her younger self had never known. The night on the astronomy tower was brought back into sharp relief as she recalled the earnestness in his features, and compared them to the haggardness of his current countenance. Hiding what she felt had done them no real favors, for he had clearly never moved on from his declaration that night, and she now lived with the regret of not making herself known when she had the chance.

She sighed, pushing her braid over her shoulder, "Ask your question then."

He looked her forlornly, "Was it ever just wishful thinking on my part? Did you ever truly love me?"

Karigan graced him with a rare and gentle smile, "My honest answer is that if I did love someone, and a king at that, I would not put him in the position where he had to choose between myself and the well-being of his country. I would love him not only for himself, but the great compassion he showed in doing his utmost for his people, with every fiber of his being."

And with that, she bowed her head deferentially, and turned to walk away to the door. She heard the sharp intake of breath behind her, but she dared not turn around, lest he see the tears that had formed in her eyes.

He called out before she reached the door frame, "Will you help your king then, to return to what he was? As a friend, a trusted advisor?"

She lifted her head and glanced sideways, one side of her mouth quirking upwards. "I think we can do that . . . And I am honoured to be called your friend, Zachary."

And with that she swept from the room, leaving the King of Sacoridia speechless behind her, reminding him of exactly how he felt when that astonishing young woman had first swept into his life and into his heart.


A/N: a big thank you to my white rice buddy Owlkin for making this chapter happen - I told her my ideas and she wrote most of the conversation for me... Review and tell us what you thought!