So, so sorry for my late update :P Been busy with exams and going for holiday with my family.

Don't own Kuroshitsuji -is sad-

Beginning Arc : My existence

What is the meaning of my existence?

Why was I born?

Those were the two questions I plagued my mind numerous times, day, night.

Those questions struck me hard in my head, leaving me a prisoner to my thoughts.

Searching…

Why were the answers so elusive to me?

Would I be happier knowing the answers?

Or was it better to stay in the shadows like I normally do –

I know I'm unwanted…

Each time one of my older brothers who invent a new torturing trick or device choose me as their first victim…

Each time we have dinner together I'm always fed with diseased souls lacking nourishment…

While my brothers occupy the higher levels of Hell as their dwelling, my quarters are at the last level: Nothingness. Despair where tormented souls are sent, fear grips you, twirling around your limbs with its spiderweb threads that bind you tightly in a vice like grip. There is no escape and you go on your own guilt trip before slowly going insane.

Why haven't I gone insane staying there since I was born?

That's right…because I want to know: the meaning of my existence…

I've learnt a long time ago that Father doesn't care – his glances in your direction are so subtle and diminutive you swear it is an illusion, compared to the way he looks at his other sons.

Don't make Mother angry with you. She is Manipulation personified, she gave Manipulation power over even the strongest of minds. That is her greatest poison. She shreds every bit of confidence you think you have inside of you, coming to coo at you later when her mood is much better and offers you an apple like a peace treaty.

The apple is poisoned but you eat it anyway and suffer in silence the pain embedded in your body, the internal scars that will never fade even with the passing of time, never. The way her honeyed voice – actually dripping venom – lulls away your barriers of self worth and you agree blindly with everything she says about you although your mind desperately screams at you not to listen to her –

They're lies. Lies! LIES!

She's telling the truth.

You want to detest her, hate her with all the feelings you have, but she is still your blood…

Whoever said demons have no sense of loyalties?

I close my eyes.

It's a fact I've come to terms with myself that Death itself would be an interesting option – demons can die, if they offer their remnants of soul to another demon. No human weapons blessed with their Holy Father and Son's name can kill us off.

Why am I hesitating and still living my life like a puppet…?

I am stubborn.

I have to know…

I have to find out what am I living for…


Ciel Phantomhive's existence mocks my very own. This…this boy whom my eldest brother serves…

A boy who had everything…

A wanted child.

Wanted

Even if he made a contract with Malum himself, he is still wanted

And what am I…?

You're cursed…

Do you think anyone wants something which is cursed?

" – al…"

I lower my head. I know that fact, damn it! I know!

"Sial."

I look up into Malum's garnet gaze. He doesn't seem displeased with my lack of attention at the way he is tutoring me on how to act more like a human servant on Earth.

"Y-Yes, Malum?"

I flinch. He has Mother's eyes…Mother's eyes…

He sighs. "I see your attention span lasts this long. I will give you a short rest before we con –"

The bell rings, signalling the little runt wants something.

"Just go and see what he wants…I can comprehend this by myself." I'm not an idiot.

Leave me alone.

Just leave me alone.


I glared at the diagrams and text in front of me, quelling the itch to set the books on fire. Why should I even give a damn about how cutlery was arranged during a meal? Or what type of cloth should I use to polish silverware? Or what tea should go with which cake? Pfft...

Was my existence such a thorn in both my parents' sides that I had to be driven from hom –

No…It didn't even feel like home.

Bang!

My eyes shot towards the back door. Finny was panting, his face, arms and legs covered with a thin sheen of sweet, leaves and grime. "Oh, Nikolas!" His lips curved upwards as he approached the dining table.

How is it that smiling is so easy for him…?

"Can I…help you?" I voiced, feeling awkward having to speak to another person. Down there I was mostly silent, except when –


"Sir, sir, look at what we found!"

My eyes flickered dully, trying to comprehend where I was and what was going on…

The last thing I remembered was Brother 6 telling Brothers 22 and 25 he invented a new torturing contraption.

"We'll try it on Sial first before trying it on the other human souls!"

"Augh bleg guh!"

"Now, don't struggle, little brother…otherwise your tongue really will be mutilated by the hooks…"

Don't cry, Sial, you're used to it! Don't cry! Don't give them the satisfaction!

Wrists and ankles bound, body curved up in a circle and the only way to ease the hooks from digging into my skin was opening my mouth because that was where the point of origin was – hooks dug into my tongue. If my wrists and ankles laxed in their capture, my tongue was the one which suffered. Either way was damnation.

"Let's leave him here to see how long he can stand it!" Raucous laughter hurting my eardrums as they go hunting for some fresh meat to get a good lay.

It hurts…It hurts!

I use my powers to try and teleport me to my room where I know I can at least release myself – a saw, anything sharp to cut through these barbed wires and ease the strain –

Where am I going? This isn't the way to my chambers…

"Tsk, all the more reasons demons should be kept on a tighter leash! I'm not surprised they would do this, but it's still barbaric!"

"Sir, he's a de – "

"Yes, I am aware of that, but since I'm on duty today I'll take care of this matter. Get back to your duties."

The wires wrapped around my ankles and wrists were removed, and I breathed in larger amounts of air with my tongue out from my mouth, dripping with both saliva and blood. It had been hard to breath properly with those restraints.

"Good Lord! Those merciless bastards!"

He looked at me, saying, "I'm assuming you wouldn't be missed back home if you stayed here for awhile…?"

A Death God.

My tongue was to swollen for me to say anything coherent. I nodded slowly.

"Come now. Let's go to my office where it'll be better for you to rest…I don't know if I'm right in saying this, but in this circumstance, it's a good thing that you're a d- ," he cleared his throat, "- You have the ability to heal fast."

He held out his hand. "I think you can walk with some support."

I think I was surprised to be served tea and soup, since I had no idea that Death Gods actually ate anything.

"If you don't have anything to do we can watch these Cinematic Records…"

It took me hours to be fully healed from my injuries.

"Uhm…Thank you for your help…"

"If you remember how you got here, then come here again when you are targeted for such attacks."

Although he wasn't the type who smiled, he was a very warm hearted Death God…


"Oh, I forgot Mr Sebastian's instructions on what flowers he wanted me to pick for the dining hall decorations for Young Master's dinner…Wow, you are hard at work here as well!" Finny's eyes were on those books. "They look difficult…"

I'm actually bored to tears…I want to yawn my head off but I don't want any insects to fly into my mouth.

"They're just instructions I've to learn on etiquette, since I'm still new here." Just so that I can fit in His Lordship Snottiness' household…

Finny grinned sheepishly. "Oh, I see…I can't really read that well, so all I can do mostly is understand the pictures…But pictures are more interesting than words anyway!"

You can't read that well…? Mysteriously, a lump in my throat emerged at that moment and I pushed it down – probably a loose hairball. Don't ask. Such a carefree person…

"What flowers do you have in your garden?" I asked, changing the topic. I looked at the clock – it was still hours to dinner for the earl, so there was no rush to get the blooms yet. And I could very well finish all those books Malum wanted me to read the entire night if I had to – it was a lot easier to understand something at your own pace instead of being forced to learn. At present moment it just felt nice to...converse with someone your own human age.

Finny took my hand, surprising me. "Wanna go and see the flowers? Mr Sebastian chose the seeds and taught me how to plant them!"

Like before, his hand…

It feels warm…

I let him lead the way to the garden where he chatted and gestured animatedly about the various flowers and animals he came across while gardening, as well as the mistakes he made which had to be fixed by Malum…

Somehow…

It feels like I'm wanted.