What is a Nation?

Some say it is the might and soul of an entire people. A force binding those who would otherwise be strangers together, each bringing out the full potential of the people around them, allowing feats unreachable by individuals alone.

Others say it's the xenophobia and tribalism of mankind in it's largest form yet, an institution that denies the common brotherhood-and-sisterhood of mankind in favour of soulless competition and mindless dedication to the dominance of one's own tribe over all others. Such a worldview turns all other peoples into naught but competing Players in some sort of cosmic game, reducing humans to mere blind pawns in vaster entities, discouraged from fully relating to other humans.

Both sides have their points. That being said, such discussions usually assume Nations are intangibles. Things to believe in or rebel against.

As talking balls, all bets are off.

"Hey! Stop building settlement on mine al-land, you shitty greedy zionists!" screamed Palestine.

"Yuor land!? You forfeit-ed it by not defending it properly, little vey! You Arabs always talk the talk, but can't use modern weapons for shit! So, finders-keepers, smelly kebabu!" Israel said.

"Hey, You don't be going around and being Anti-Semitic! Is-rael here has had a hard lyfe!" Lithuania added.

"Oh, cunt off, ya Balkan midget. The only reason you're with 'em is 'cause he's the only one aside of Poland that remembers ya exist, ya puny ex-commie!" Australia said.

Lithuania's eyes started to water. Australia turned to Israel.

"And you. I ain't forgot how you tried tha copy me passports to use in fucking wetwork, and your crying about how tha' world is againt you? Don be fackin' joking, you Yahweh Wankers!"


While this was going on, Admiral Richardson (USN) watched.

She stood, holding a paper cup of coffee in one hand, and a binder full of administrative debris under the other, staring at the ticking time bomb before her.

She's had experience, handling Shipgirls. How could anyone be in the Navy since Blood Week and not have seen or met Shipgirls, after all? She knew the warning signs that led (inevitably) to shenanigans.

"Uh oh..." said Captain Ishigaki (JMSDF) beside her. Seconds ago, the two had been chatting about their long and varied experiences managing the walking absurdities that were Shipgirls.

Richardson looked left, then right, then looked behind her. Nobody seemed to be doing anything but watch. Some were even recording this on their phones! They knew the restriction on cell phone usage in camp!

The Admiral noted their name patches.

Sighing, she downed her cup, ignoring the protests from her throat as she poured scalding liquid down it like a drain pipe. She flung the cup towards a nearby dumpster, and started pulling out her phone.

Fuck yuo, NATO Dipshits!" said Russia.

"Jajajajajaja, icth that all the inzults you can muster, ein Russkie? How iz your economie, by the way? Did communism do anything for you?

"Blyad! We would still bei respected, if not for dhose Gang of 8 traitors!"

"Oh, poor Rossyia! Are yuo ztill moping about ze past?" Germany said.

"Oh fuck off cyka, we fucking raped ye in die War!"

"Oh, ja? But what has youn done since then? Nothing but arms dealing, oppression, and dashcam videos! Though thae last one is ein funny much of the time, I have to give you that!"

"Grrrrrr..."

Meanwhile, Russia and Germany's little tiff (which might not have started if Israel and Palestine hadn't started a shouting match), had… encouraged other countryballs that now was the time to settle their conflicts once and for all. (Diplomacy purely optional)

"Gib back Constantinople!" Greece screamed, his xiphos cutting through the air.

Turkey scimitar parried it, before trying to cut Greece in two likewise.

India and Pakistan were just metres away. They stared each other down, both of them flanked by hundreds of foot-sized tanks and artillery. They were also holding a suspicious-looking missile each, brandishing them like swords.

"Indoyia, ifs you forfeit now, then I will of considering to bestow Allah's mercy on you, undeserving though you are, idol-worshipping infidel!"

"Ha! Like I would trust yuo, you shitty kebab Paki-stan!" he answered, before the two charged each other.

"Gib me back to daddy Oireland!" screamed North Ireland, unloading an entire AR-18 magazine in Britain and Ireland's general direction.

The two countryballs ducked. Prone, Ireland raised it's head up.

"Dee fuck, Noth Ireland? If you wanna join us so bad, why are bullets comin' towards us, too!? Even if Britain releases you, I wouldn't want such an out-of-control lil' shit to be a part o' me!" Ireland said.

North Ireland begun to tear up. "But… B-But..."

The Armalite North Ireland held clattered to the ground, and the little ball started to spasm, white flags covered by a red cross popping out of North Ireland's skin at an alarming rate.

"Holy fleg, what's happenin' to 'em!?" Ireland asked.

"Why're you asking me!? You're the one that shares his stock!" Britain said.

"D'ya think because we both hav 'Ireland' in tha name, we have'a lotta things in common!?"

North Ireland surface grew whiter, and whiter. A red, all-encompassing cross appeared,, and an image of an open red hand appeared between it's eyes.

"Remov Catholic! Ulster forever Protestant! Long leve the Queeen!" it said, spraying it's SA80 skyward like it was an Afgan wedding.

Meanwhile, pandemonium had set in everywhere else on base. People heard the rampant gunfire just a block or two away, and started running like hell.

"Holy fuck, Admiral, get down!"

Hearing the crack of gunfire, Ishigaki pushed Richardson to the ground. Paperwork now scattered on the driveway, they both crawled away as fast as possible.

Shouting was everywhere.

The two officers peeked out from where they hid, behind a nearby dumpster.

". . ."

". . ."

"... My God..."

"Yeah, I know, right?"

"... They might be even more out-of-control than the Destroyers."

Just as he said that, there was a massive explosion, so bright it turned every piece of glass within sight of the epicenter as opaque as a piece of burnt leather.

A few seconds passed, before the Admiral decided to speak again.

"You know what? I can't wait until 'Murica arrives. We'll surely be able to communicate with 'em better than those crazy other countries, eh?"

The Captain narrowed his eyes at her.

"... All right, all right. Stupid hope, I know".

Reinforcements finally arrived. They comprised an entire section of human MPs, lead by a few Coast Guard Shipgirls.

Upon seeing the chaos unfolding, the MPs talked among themselves with an invisible language consisting of pointed looks, nods, and vigorous shakings of the head. Finally, it seemed they decided the Shipgirls would take point on this one.

The Shipgirl MPs charged towards the quarrelling countryballs, yelling at them to stop.


One hour later...

Breaking News!

Yokosuka residents going about her morning today were interrupted by the sound of what seemed to be a loud explosion in the distance, in the rough direction of Yokosuka Naval Base. The sound was loud enough that those living as far as Central Tokyo heard some of it.

A few survivors of the old War, in particular, had remarked that they were reminded of the nuclear blasts.

Phone usage briefly surged, as worried citizens called loved ones, or contacted official channels in an effort to figure out the situation. Emergency Services were also put on standby.

The JSDF has recently released an official statement, stating the sound was that of an ammunition dump igniting, due to an electrical fault. The statement then further stated that there were no nearby personeel, hence no casualties were sustained.

USN Vice Admiral Michelle K. Richardson, currently deployed at Fleet Activities Yokosuka, was on record as saying that it was "a goddamn miracle nobody was killed".

Barring that, officials from both the JSDF and USN have refused to comment any further on the matter.

This is the All-Nippon News Network, signing out.


*SLAM*

The sound of metal against metal echoed around for a few moments more.

Thrown into separate cells, the balls glared at each other through small glass windows.

"Aww, cripes."

"Is of all your fault, Turk, and you knows it!"

Somehow, their arguments went through reinforced steel doors and multi-layered brick walls.

"My fault!? It is not of my al-idea to jump at me with sword!"

"Fuck yuo Indoya, mohammed prophet best prophet."

"Will all of you assholes SHUT UP!"