The yellow sticker that sealed the front door and the strong smell of detergent present were the only things revealing the events that occurred prior. Inside, the furniture was still in the same spot, the antique clock on the wall still ticking loudly, and the late afternoon sun drew its familiar pattern through the window on the oak floor. With my coat still on, I sank into the couch and stared at the spot where two mornings earlier David's life had been ended and mine had changed forever. His father had been furious when we drove away after the interrogation, I could tell by the way he clenched his jaw just as David always did when he was angry, but he remained silent. I was dropped off at a hotel outside the city stating that I had to stay there for two nights in connection with the search for clues in the apartment and he advised me to keep my mouth shut. Like I was used to.

An hour later I finally got off the couch. In the kitchen I filled the kettle with water, put it on the gas stove and opened one of the lockers to grab a mug when the doorbell rang. I froze. "Miss Hartman?" a male voice called. "It's Detective Goren" I breathed deeply in and out and walked to the hallway and opened the door. Impeccably dressed he stood before me, his broad shoulders in a blue jacket and it only now it struck me how tall he actually was. "Can I come in?" he asked. I nodded. In the kitchen, the kettle whistled. "Would you like some tea?" I asked as I walked him into the living room. "No, thank you" Goren said. When I returned with a large mug of steaming tea in my hand, he stood by the cabinet that stretched out over the whole back wall of the room."This is quite a collection of books you have here" he stated as he pointed at the books. "The Glorious Cause ... Revolutionary Mothers ..." He grabbed a book off the shelf, grinned and read the title. "Lawyer: A Realistic Approach to Legal Practice" "That's David's, his father gave him that book" I said without Goren asking me. "To encourage him to go to law school?" he asked with his back toward me as he put the book back in it's place. "I think ..." I hesitated for a moment, careful about what words I would choose. "…it was self-evident that David would follow in his footsteps" I ended my sentence and sat on the couch. "He had to carry on the family pride, live up to his fathers expectations…" Goren summed up, "that's a lot of pressure on a young man" "He was very ambitious" Goren nodded as if he understood. "So no sorority parties and nights out with friends?" I lied again and shook my head as it became hot. "No alcohol, no drugs?" He knew. And how hard I tried to hide that I was shocked by his questions, I saw it in his eyes. It was the same look as the moment in the interrogation room after he swung the folder toward my face. "Because the toxic report came in this morning and his blood showed traces of both alcohol and cocaine"

Sunday evening. David had been away for the weekend with the boys and as usual I found myself on the floor in the bathroom with his sports on the ground beside me. When I opened the zipper, the smell of stale beer and cigarettes instinctively made my nose wrinkle so I began throwing the garments in the washing machine. The moment I had his black Armani jeans in my hands I searched for it's pockets, as if deep down inside I knew I'd find something. My fingers grabbed the plastic. My eyes saw the white powder. "What the fuck are you doing?" Startled, I turned around. David stood in the doorway of the bathroom, his jaw clenched. "I'm sorting out the laundry" I replied curtly. He stepped in and snatched the bag from my hand. "You will not tell anyone"

"And we found your DNA on the ring on David's finger," Even before the results of the report had sank into me, I felt the ground move under me. My heart was pounding so hard I thought he could hear it. "He hit you" Goren continued, "and it was not the first time" With those words I broke down. I felt it my limbs go heavy; I could not move and my eyes filling themselves with tears. "I.. I did not .. he was ... "I stammered helplessly."David could not cope at school, where everybody judged him because of his last name. When he came home he had to constantly listen to his father lecture him. David knew he would never be able to please him. The drugs made him even more angry than he had already was" Tears rolled down my cheeks as Goren continued."All he wanted was respect and power. The only way he could get that was by controlling you and beating you up, over and over again"The sadness that I had hidden for so long finally found it's way out. My shoulders shook uncontrollably and my lungs could not keep up with my faltering breath. I was overwhelmed by anxiety and my tingling fingers were looking for something to hold on to. Suddenly I felt Goren grabbing my hand. "Deep breath... in through your nose and out slowly through your mouth" he said calmly.I inhaled air through my nose and shakily blew out through my mouth. "Deep breath in through your nose and out slowly through your mouth" Slowly I became calmer and Goren pulled his hand back. "You're hyperventilating" he explained. I tried to clear my throat. "I just wanted to stop it" I whispered hoarsely, still panting. Goren continued, "You pointed the gun at him, but he kept on threatening you and all you wanted was for him to leave you alone, so you shot him" I could only nod, it was the enough with my confession, a heavy burden my lifted off my shoulders. I did not have to make up excuses or hide anything for the sake of others.

I sighed deeply and naturally my mouth opened and I began to talk."The first time David had hit me about eight months ago on a Sunday night. We had a big fight after visiting his parents. He accused me of telling his mother his grades had dropped, which I had not. He kept on yelling at me and when I said that his parents were probably just looking out for him, he smacked me in the face" Goren listened attentively. "I was shocked at first, but David apologized to me a thousand times and made up to me by taking me on a trip to Miami the next weekend. I know it was naive to think he would never hit me again, but at that point I forgave him because he was under so much pressure "" But when he started using cocaine his aggressive behavior worsened? "Goren added to my sentence. "I don't know where or from whom he got it, but I could tell he used by the way he acted once he came home. He'd slam the door, stomp through the room and would always find something to start an argument. Whatever I said to calm him down would always piss him off more until he snapped "

"And then he'd hit you" Goren said. I paused for a few seconds. "One time he punched me so hard ..." I swallowed a lump in my throat. "I had a crushed rib. He made me tell his parents I fell when horseback riding and instead of worrying about me, they said it was my own fault because I didn't take lessons first. In the years we had been together, that was the worst family dinner I can father preached, his mother shook her head while filling her glass with wine and David sat motionless, never once glancing up from the food on his plate. I had never felt so lonely" I closed my eyes by the memory."He threatened you" Goren said, "if you'd tell his parents and disgrace the family, he'd say you were after his money, divorce you and leave you with nothing." I nodded in surprise.

How did he know that? I had never told anyone, not even Gina when she had asked me. I swallowed my tears, lied and told her it was PMS. I did everything to keep the peace, to preserve what David had built even if it meant that I had to suffer. "You protected David's reputation no matter what, even if that meant you had to give up your life" Dumbfounded, I stared at Goren, who in his turn looked right through me. His brown eyes read mine. "My life" I repeated softly. "He ruined it and I helped him do it, I became a professional in denying, and keeping my mouth shut" I said sarcastically, "hell, i could be a politician"Simultaneously we shot into laughter, something I had never seen Goren do. I realized that the longer I looked at him, the more I wondered what it was what intrigued me about him. His cool appearance, his soft, low voice or the way one of his eyebrows arched as he listened. Goren suddenly coughed and changed back to the detective he was.

"That morning ..." he continued, "did David threaten to kill you?" "Not in those exact words" I answered. "Were you ever scared he'd try to kill you? "I hesitated and nodded gently. "Hmm" He grabbed his folder on the table, opened it and began to write. "You defended yourself, your life ... you had no other option than to shoot him" Suddenly I understood what he was doing. "If you sign this statement, I'll talk to the ADA," "And what about..." "I'll have your new lawyer contact you by the end of this week to prepare you for the arraignment" I opened my mouth to ask if he would be in trouble, but closed it again when he looked up at me. Our eyes locked together with an unspoken agreement, sealed with my signature on the declaration that Goren had just written. "Thanks detective" I held out my hand. "Bobby" he replied, and put his warm hand in mine. "Thanks Bobby" I smiled.