Escaflowne the Movie: A Gal in Gaea
Part 4
Hitomi fell, along with several tons of rubble as the ground around her gave way. As she stared upward, a strange light appeared, flickering into life through the darkness above.
"Gramma?" Hitomi gasped. "Is that you?"
"Nope, even better!" A voice answered. "It's ME!" Van appeared above her, also falling. His back suddenly bulged, and lovely white wings burst free. "Chirpy chirp! Got any bird seed?" Van twittered, flapping his wings and bobbing his head…well, like a bird. A very stupid bird, anyway. He began flying between the falling boulders toward Hitomi. "Don't worry," he called as he weaved to and fro, "I'll save y-"
A stray rock hit his right wing.
"Aw shit! Mayday! Mayday! I'm goin' dooooown!" Van wailed, plummeting past Hitomi, wings akimbo and smoke trailing in his wake.
"Do I have to save him?" Hitomi sighed. Pulling her arms in so she fell faster, she caught up with Van and latched onto his back, taking a firm grip on his greasy hair.
"Ow!" Van complained, wings finally starting to work again. "What're you doing?"
"Steering."
"But…" Van protested, "but you're supposed to lie in my arms while I take you away to some secluded place where we can make sweet, passionate love!"
"Who told you that?"
"Allen."
*Conk!*
"Allen's an idiot," Hitomi said firmly, "and so are you. Now shut up and let me drive." Immediately a turn signal on Van's left wing lit up, blinking as he banked and began circling toward the ground far below. The brake lights also came on as the two landed/crashed at the bottom of the lava bed into a canyon, safe from the rest of the falling debris and whatnot. Rain was still drizzling down, making the air wet and foggy.
"I hope you've enjoyed your flight on the Van Express!" Van said into the ground, where his face was firmly planted, as Hitomi was sitting on his back. "Please leave the airplane through the aforementioned exits and have a nice day!"
"Van, are you okay?" Hitomi asked, getting off him. "You're acting even dumber than usual."
"Oh, I'm fine," Van assured her, standing up. "I've just got a three-foot gaping hole in my chest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to faint now." So saying, he fell over backwards, instantly unconscious. His wings faded away a moment later.
"Eww. Molting." Hitomi made a face, then prodded Van with the toe of her foot. "Guess I should do something about that wound…" She knelt next to him, placed his head on her lap, then began untying the bow from her sailor uniform to staunch the bleeding.
"You should…" Van whispered weakly, "…use your shirt. It'll give you…more fabric…for the bandage…"
"Well…" Hitomi frowned, but saw his point. "Okay, fine." She began pulling her shirt up over her head.
"And…and your bra, too…"
*Whack!*
"The ribbon's all you're getting, so be grateful!" Hitomi snapped, yanking her shirt back down. She looked around for any sign of life. "Heeeeelp! Heeeeelp! Is anyone there? Anyone?"
"Let him die," a gruff voice growled from the shadows. Jajuka stepped forward, holding the dead body of Robert in his arms.
"…Anyone else?" Hitomi called again. "Anyone other than the dog-man? No?"
"Hey! Lemme talk!" Jajuka snarled in a hurt tone. "You should let him die. That boy's very unhappy. And stupid. If he dies, he'll be at peace."
"Okay, Dr. Kavorkian," Hitomi drawled, "back OFF. Van's not going anywhere. Right, Van?" Van just shifted his head on her lap and mumbled incoherently.
"Mmm…softy…smells good…"
"RIGHT, Van?" Hitomi whispered threateningly into his ear. "You die, and I swear I'll kill you! And that's impossible!"
"Y…yes, ma'am…" Van replied obediently.
"See?" Hitomi smiled smugly. "Nothing to worry about!" She looked back up to address Jajuka but found the dog-man on all fours, using his powerful hind legs to churn up the earth and bury Robert's body with dirt, who stuck up out of a hole like a dog's bone. "Uh…"
-With the Black Dragon Clan-
Back in the B.D.C. Fortress, Dilandau was in for a serious spanking from bigwig Folken. He knelt before his lord in a large, dark room lit with candles, while a row of unimportant people (other Commanders without names or even faces) watched.
"Why didn't you follow my orders, Dilandau?" Folken asked, his voice dangerously soft. "I specifically said NO more killing of movie extras. We need them to fill in the empty spaces in the crowds! And it's damn expensive! On top of that, no Wing Goddess, either. Do you have anything to say?"
Dilandau cringed, fingering the bandage and smiley-faced sticker on his forehead, thinking of anything he could say to appease his angry lord.
"Um…your mullet looks nice," he said hesitantly. "Did you get it feathered again?"
"No, I didn't."
"Oh, mother fu- gwaaaaagh!" Dilandau howled in pain as psychic energy wrapped around him, lifting him bodily into the air and twisting his left hand in front of his hanging body.
"Who was the one who saved you when you roamed the land with wild dogs?" Folken hissed, stepping closer to the struggling boy, an air of menace about him. "WHO?!"
"The…the mountain police?" Dilandau answered.
"Oh." Folken paused and scowled. "Yes, well, that's right. So then, who gave you the Dragonslayers, eh? Who was it?!"
"I…I got them at the Bishounen Shelter for a bargain! Buy five, get one free!"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot." Folken mumbled. "Well, you're still getting punished, either way!"
Dilandau's left arm shook as his hand was held in place, fingers splayed wide. He trembled in fear and kicked feebly.
"This little piggy went to the market," Folken sang mockingly, "and this little piggy-"
"Stayed home?" Dilandau asked hopefully.
"BROKE HIS BACK."
*Snap!*
"AUUUGH!" Dilandau thrashed in pain, his finger bent backwards at a gruesome angle. "Uggh, and it's my middle one, too! Dammit, I use that one a lot!" He fell to the ground as the psychic hold was loosened.
Darth Vader gave a bored sigh and glanced at Folken.
"Can I go now?" He asked, breathing asthmatically through his mask.
"Yes, you've done enough," Folken answered dismissively, waving the Sith lord away. "Thanks."
"Gawd, the things I do to make a few bucks nowadays…" Darth muttered as he shambled towards the door, black cape sweeping after him.
Dilandau lay on the ground, whimpering in agony. As he sniveled and sniffed, Folken stepped closer and scowled down at him.
"Stop being such a little girl, Dilandau," he spat in disgust.
"Will you people stop saying that?!" Dilandau exploded, lashing out at his master with his own psychic powers. Folken easily caught the psychic energy, dribbled it a few times, spun around, then lobbed it right back. Dilandau went flying backwards and hit the ground, bleeding from the mouth.
"You're one of the few on Gaea with Dragon-clan blood in your veins!" Folken said to the prone, bleeding boy. "Even if it's the Hannaford brand and not the premium, expensive kind, it still gives you cool-ass psychic powers. Use them wisely!"
"Mu…mullet…" Dilandau whispered under his breath.
"Quiet!" Folken snapped. "Listen, you're a main character, so I'll cut you a break. I'll even give you a new power, one that'll befit your Dragon-clan blood and, coincidentally, match your Dragonslayer armor. Whaddaya say?"
"I…want that power…" Dilandau whimpered from his bloodied mouth. "And…some tissues, please…if you don't mind…"
-In Turoshina-
In the far-away city of Turoshina, a discovery had been made. Deep within a mine, workers used pulleys and chains to dreg up a huge, bulky red Dragon Armor (like the Escaflowne, but a whole lot more evil-lookin') from a watery grotto.
"Hmm! Just as Lord Folken predicted!" The manager of the site commented. "This thing MUST be important, it's got 'Dilly' bedazzled on its ass!"
"What?!" The armor roared in fury, twisting against the ropes in an attempt to see if it was true. "I'm gonna kill that bastard!"
-With Allen and the Crew-
Still way back in the canyon where it'd crashed, Allen's tank thing, and not to mention Allen's crew, were stuck. Luckily some repair-men and mechanics were on site, fixing up the busted wheels and pride of the ship and its occupants. In the control room, Allen, Millerna, and Gaddess were conferring.
"Thank goodness I'm a member of Triple A!" Allen gushed excitedly. "Free roadside assistance and towing! You just can't go wrong!" He held up his Triple A membership card and grinned cheesily at the camera. Gaddess gave him a smack on the back of the head, and the trio got back to business.
"So, we still don't know where hotty-Hitomi is?" Allen asked sadly.
"No," Gaddess answered, "and what about Van?"
"What about him?" Allen snorted loudly, rolling his eyes. "Why isn't that little bastard here to get me my coffee, eh? Lazy-ass son of a-"
"He left to save Hitomi!" Gaddess interrupted.
"Oh, really?" Allen made a face. "That lucky a-hole! He always gets the girl! I wish I was a hero!" He stuck out his lower lip and began to pout.
"Come on, baby!" Millerna cooed, patting his shoulder. "You got ME!"
"No, mostly I got a rash from you," Allen corrected sulkily.
"Don't worry," Millerna leaned forward. Allen began to perk up. "I'm sure those two are fucking like rabbits!"
"It's not faaaaaaair!" Allen wailed in despair.
-With Hitomi-
Meanwhile, Hitomi and Van had found refuge in the peaceful village of Adom, where Van had been raised after his traumatic childhood, what with his evil brother killing the whole family or whatever. All the villagers were beast-men, bustling about, dressed in colorful robes. There were rustling trees, chirping birds, thatched huts, PS2's- wait, PS2's?! The beast-men of Adom quickly snatched the console up and stashed it somewhere, turning to smile innocently at the camera. I'm on to you guys…
In one of the humble huts, Hitomi sat before a small table while a dwarf-sized old beast-lady crouched beside her.
"How was the meal, dearie?" The beast-lady asked sweetly.
"Well, it gave me the shits," Hitomi stated bluntly, "but it was yummy goin' down!" She paused. "Uh…you're SURE you don't have any other clothes for me?"
Hitomi was wearing a sexy French-maid outfit the old lady had given her, since her other clothes were dirty and being washed.
"Yes, I'm sure," the old beast-lady assured her, then whipped out a camera and began snapping pictures. "Come on, girlie! Can't you pose or something? Stick out your fanny!"
"Um, could I see Van?" Hitomi asked, changing the subject. The old beast-lady paused in her photo-shoot, thinking.
"I'm sorry," she said, "but he's still asleep. It wouldn't be wise to disturb him!"
"Buh…but…" Hitomi protested for a moment, then stuck out her fanny.
"Yes, perfect!" The old beast-lady cried, snapping one last picture before tucking the camera way. "I got it! Alright! Come along!"
"Heh heh heh…" Hitomi chuckled to herself, fingering the permanent marker in her pocket. Van was so in for it…
In the Healin' Hut, Van was laid out on the floor, sleeping peacefully. His chest was swathed in bandages and animal-men surrounded him, headed by an ancient-looking Elder. Hitomi poked her head in through the door, and the beast-men looked up in surprise at the strange girl. A low whistle came from the crowd.
"Nice fishnet stockings, honey," someone commented.
"Shut up!" Hitomi snapped before she could stop herself. "I mean, uh, can I please come in?"
"Yes, you may," the Elder said, gesturing.
"Sit near me!" A beast-man called out.
"No, me!"
"No, sit near me!"
"I'm sitting near VAN!" Hitomi growled, doing so. She stared at him, wondering how he could look so stupid even in his sleep. Then again, he was drooling and sucking his thumb at the same time.
"There is no need to worry about him now," the Elder consoled her. "Look how peaceful he is!"
Van suddenly began screaming horribly and thrashing around like a rabid animal.
"What the hell's wrong with him?!" Hitomi gasped.
"Oh, that's perfectly normal," the Elder assured her, winking. "It's a good sign! Means he's healing!"
Van calmed down after a few minutes, panting and covered in sweat, and Hitomi shuffled closer to him.
"Van…" She said softly, then pulled out her permanent marker and began doodling on his face, writing things like 'loser' and 'pansy' on his cheeks.
"Hey!" The beast-men protested. Hitomi blinked and looked at them. "…Let us try!"
After several days of 'healing', Van had recovered enough to get up and walk around. The people of Adom village gathered before the Healin' Hut, anxiously awaiting their dear friend's emergence. Hitomi stood amongst them, still in her French-maid uniform. She was beginning to suspect her old clothes had been burned.
"Lord Van is coming out!" A villager gasped, and everyone cheered as the Healin' Hut's front door opened and Van emerged, hobbling out with the aid of a wooden crutch.
"Whooooo-weeeeee!" Van whooped aloud, swaying to and fro precariously. "I am fucked UP!" Obviously he'd taken way too many meds for the pain, and was totally tripping balls. "Take this, Dilandau! Die!" The dazed and confused boy began smacking random people with his crutch whilst hollering other expletives. Hitomi sighed deeply and smacked her forehead.
Later, once Van had sobered up, he and Hitomi took a little walk in the nearby woods where they could have a nice talk.
"…and then in the second grade," Van was saying, "I got into a fight with this little bastard named-"
"Van," Hitomi interrupted. "When I said 'tell me about yourself', I didn't mean ALL of it."
"Oh. Sorry." Van blinked. "Well, to sum it all up, my dumb big brother Folken destroyed the whole kingdom, killed mom and dad, and stole my girlfriend. He's an a-hole, and I hate him. There you go."
"Why'd he do it?" Hitomi asked curiously.
"Cuz she was hot."
"No! I mean- everything but the girlfriend!"
"In my country," Van explained, "you choose from a pile of straws, and the one who picks the short straw is named King. My natural dumb luck made me pick the short straw, and Folken got really pissed."
"Oh." Hitomi paused. "I thought you peed in his bed or something."
"Well, that too…" Van admitted. Hitomi stared wistfully at the blue sky above.
"I had lost my way in life," she said softly. "being all depressed and whatnot. I had no real direction…I know how you feel, Van, and…and I want to help you…Van I, I think I lo-" She turned to look at him and she found him staring at his feet and humming a tune.
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and damn right, it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours. I could teach you, but I'd have to charge- huh?" He stopped and looked up at Hitomi. "You say something?"
"Yeah. You're an idiot." Hitomi closed her eyes and turned to leave.
"By the way, where'd you get that hot dress?"
Hitomi slapped him.
-In Turoshina-
In the bustling city of Turoshina, everything was perfectly normal. People crowded the streets, sellers hawked their wares, hookers turned tricks for cash, all that good normal everyday crap.
"Ear your peas," an exasperated mother threatened, "or…or the B.D.C. will come and take over the town!"
"Aww, mom!" The little boy made a face and pushed his plate away. Suddenly, the room darkened, and as the mother looked out the window, saw that the sky was dotted with blimp after blimp of the B.D.C., coming to assault the city!
"Look what you did, you little brat!" The mother shrieked, running after her child to give him a sound spanking.
"I didn't mean to!" The poor kid wailed.
From the bottom of the spray-painted New Year blimps, huge metal crates were dropped. They plummeted down into the city, where they landed with a crash. Slowly, the doors to the crates opened to reveal…
A bunch of dead B.D.C. soldiers, killed by the impact.
"Hmm…not one of our better ideas…" A B.D.C. Commander on board a blimp muttered, rubbing his chin. "Time for Plan B. Ready the giant slingshots!"
"Aye, sir!"
"I never shoulda joined the military…" A soldier lamented as he was strapped into place. After several botched attempts to fling the soldiers down onto the city, the B.D.C. finally gave up on an aerial assault and simply LANDED their ships like normal human beings and marched into the city, taking it over. Soon afterward, a huge diamond-shaped fortress hovered into place over the besieged city, its license plate, which read "Mullet", making it clear to whom it belonged. From each corner of the fortress shot a long chain, which smashed into the town, acting as anchors to hold the vehicle in place. …Couldn't he have just put it in park?
"Aw, man!" A city official complained, looking at the damage the fortress had caused. "You know, you could have just used the Enemy Fortress Parking Garage right over THERE!" He pointed to a huge parking space right outside the city.
"Oopsies," Folken said, then shrugged and laughed maniacally. Damn, that man is evil.
-Back at Adom Village-
Back at the beast-man village of Adom, Hitomi and Van were finally ready to leave. Hitomi, after some coercing and more threatening of physical harm, had managed to get her old clothes back, and had cast away her slutty maid outfit (much to the disappointment of Van and the entire male population of the village). She and Van sat on a horse, ready to leave, with the villagers gathered behind them and Ruhm, Van's close beast-man friend, at their side.
"Take care, Ruhm," Van said sincerely. The friendly beast-man smiled.
"You don't have to worry, Lord Van," he replied. "I woulda let you kids borrow my wagon, but-"
"NO!" Both Hitomi and Van cried in horror. Ruhm blinked and shut his mouth.
"Er, we mean, that's really not necessary!" Hitomi explained quickly.
"Eh, well, your loss." Ruhm shrugged his furry shoulders. "The script says for you guys to head to Turoshina, okay? I'm sure something important will happen once you get there."
"Alright." Van nodded.
"Are you sure you don't want the dress, dearie?" The old beast-lady asked Hitomi.
"Positive," she answered firmly. Several little girls broke from the crowd and gathered around the horse.
"Hitomi! Come back and sing with us again!" One begged.
"Tell Merle she's still stupid!" Another cried.
"Byeee!" The last one waved.
"Shut up, you little brats!" Hitomi hollered at them, but you could tell she didn't mean it.
"Screw y'all!" Van cried, flipping off the crowd as he yanked on the reins of the horse, making it rear up dramatically and gallop off.
"Why those ungrateful little…" the Elder grumbled, then glanced at the old beast-lady. "Hey, toots, why don't you try that outfit on, eh?"
-In Turoshina-
Sneaking into Turoshina wasn't as hard as Hitomi and Van first thought it would be. Luckily, all the guards were idiots, easily distracted and nearly blind with their huge helmets blocking their eyes. The two hummed the Mission Impossible theme music as they snuck in, dashing past the dim-witted guards with ease.
"Okay, if anyone sees us, flash 'em while I run for it!" Van whispered to Hitomi as they crouched in a hiding place.
*Whack!*
"Ouch! I was kidding! Kidding!" After a while of sneaking around, they finally made it to a seedy bar.
"Dryden?" Hitomi asked as they stepped into the dark, smoky interior of the building.
"Yeah," Van answered. "He's a rich son of a bitch, and he gives the Abaharaki cash because he's got a thing for that whore Millerna. And by 'thing', I mean crabs. Anyway, this is his bar, and we're gonna go see him to find out where the gang is." He and Hitomi wandered among the tables, which were crowded with loud people holding drinks and food. Hitomi hurried after Van and ground to a stop upon catching sight of the stage. There, a sexy cat-woman sang a sultry song, swaying to the beat.
"What the hell kind of place IS this?" She demanded, glaring at Van.
"Here's a table," he said, ignoring her.
"Is this a strip joint or something?" Hitomi asked suspiciously, refusing to sit down.
"Goodness, NO!" Van assured her, looking appalled. "If this was, you think I'd be sitting so far away? Just take a seat already." Hitomi didn't hit him because he actually had a point, and so sat down. On the stage, the cat-woman had magically split into two girls, both now singing and dancing seductively.
"…This is making me uncomfortable." Hitomi said after a moment.
"Oh, get over it," Van grumbled. "I know the song they're singing, anyway. My momma used to sing it to me when I was young."
"Not like that, I hope," Hitomi muttered after another glance at the singers. Finally the cat-woman finished their ditty, and the lights on the stage faded as the crowd applauded the performance.
"Show us your tits!" Several drunk men shouted. Immediately the cat-sisters hissed, baring fangs and claws, and leapt into the audience, shrieking whirlwinds of pain. Hitomi laughed heartily and clapped her hands.
"Hey, cutie, you lookin' for a job here?" A long-haired hippie-man in loose robes sauntered up to Van and Hitomi's table, eyeing the latter. He gave her a wink, and Hitomi glared right back, meeting his eyes.
"Fuck OFF." She said, deliberately and firmly. She found that worked best.
"We'd like to meet Dryden," Van said apologetically, kicking Hitomi under the table.
"Him?" The hippie snorted and adjusted his dark glasses. "That man-whore is probably with his harem of sex-kittens as we speak. You'll never get to speak to him!"
"You're him, aren't you?" Hitomi asked after a short pause.
"Yes, I am." Dryden sighed. "I'm so lonely. Please hold me."
"NO!"
"Will you pay m-" Van froze as a cold chill traveled down his spine. Immediately he ducked down, causing Merle to go flying passed into an unoccupied table behind him.
*Crash!*
"Whew! Close one!" Van gave a sigh of relief and wiped his brow. Then a dagger with a rose on it shot down out of thin air and stabbed deep into his hand, pinning it to the table. "Gaaaaah!" Hitomi looked up as he writhed in agony and saw the entire Abaharaki crew on the second floor of the pub, waving and holding drinks.
"Whooooo! Paaah-TAY!" Reeden, smashed beyond all barriers, tottered over with a bottle of booze and uncorked it, spraying everyone with alcohol. Some were quite pleased at the shower, but not Allen.
"These leather pants are brand new," he hissed, glaring dangerously at Reeden. "And I just washed my hair."
"…Oh, shit…" Reeden whimpered, then turned and ran, Allen hot on his heels.
-Later, at Dryden's Crib-
"Hey there, everyone," Dryden said to the camera, flashing a peace sign and grinning. "This here is mah crib, so why don't you come along with me while I show you the place. Now, this is my multi-million dollar recording studio-" He and the camera entered a small, cramped space where a Fisher-Price baby's keyboard and microphone set lay on the floor. "Uh…we're getting it renovated," Dryden coughed, quickly pushing the camera out of the room and back into the hall. "Now, MTV, let me show you my stylin' bathroom! I got a hot-tub AND a Jacuzzi, come and see!"
Another door opened, and inside, Kio sat in the small tub, taking a bubble-bath with some rubber duckies.
"How the hell did you get in here?!" Dryden demanded. Kio looked up and shrugged.
"Door was open."
"Okay, forget it!" Dryden slammed the door shut and turned to the camera again. "Let's go check out my bangin' kitchen, because there I got-"
"Dryden? Excuse me, but…" Hitomi interrupted, "…what the fuck are you doing?"
"Wha...n-nothing…" Dryden muttered. "You can turn the camera off, Milly."
"Aww!" Millerna lowered the camera and pouted. "You said we'd have some fun with it later!"
"What?" Allen growled, eyes narrowing. "If anyone's going to make a sex-tape here, I should at least be in it!"
"EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!" Hitomi hollered. Everyone quickly quieted down and moved into Dryden's parlor, where the conference began.
"Alrighty, listen up," Dryden said aloud, "the B.D.C. has an ancient armor of their own now, and if they can get it to work, we're screwed."
"Why don't we just go and, y'know…" Allen said slowly, "…piss in the exhaust or something?"
"If they do get it to work," Gaddess said right over Allen, "Turoshina will be wiped out."
"AND Macy's!" Allen gasped in horror. "Check out these new high-heeled boots I just got from there!" He slammed his foot atop the table. "They're hot, right? They make my legs look longer!" He paused. "Oh God I think I'm stuck."
"Okay, seriously," Dryden said bluntly, "someone shut him UP."
"I know!" Millerna cried. "Let's ask the Wing Whore- I mean, the Wing Goddess!" Everyone in the room stared at her in complete awe.
"That has got to be the smartest thing you've said in the whole damn movie," Allen stated matter-of-factly. "Seriously though you guys. Help. I can't move my leg."
"Oh, fine," Hitomi rolled her eyes and sat in a chair in the middle of the room. Immediately Millerna grabbed hold of a lamp and shoved in into Hitomi's face, blinding her with the bright light.
"Where were you on the day of today?!" She demanded. "Don't play games with me, missy!" Then she slapped her.
"Millerna!" Allen hollered, making her stop and look at him. "You have to ask her a question first!"
"Oh." Millerna blushed and turned back to Hitomi. "What color are my underpants?!" She slapped Hitomi again.
"Ow!" Hitomi cried out in pain. "You aren't wearing any, you crazy bitch!"
"Really?" Allen leaned forward, greatly interested.
"Really?" Dryden also leaned forward, greatly interested. "Wait, no! I mean, everyone cool it!" He rose from his seat and stared Hitomi straight in the eye. "Have you come here to destroy Gaea?"
"I'm seriously starting to consider it!" Hitomi replied, rubbing her red cheeks. The door opened and Kio came in, a towel wrapped around his waist.
"Hey, you're all out of body-wash," he told Dryden. "Thought you'd like to know."
"SON of a-"
-With Folken-
Folken, along with Sora, sat on their thrones in the…throne room, as a B.D.C. soldier knelt before them.
"Sir!" He reported. "We have pre-ordered your tickets for 'The Golden Compass'! You're the first on the entire list!"
"Eeeexcellent…" Folken hissed in pleasure. "That movie's gonna rock. Miss Coulter is one sexy mama."
"A-hem."
"Oh, and so are you, Sora!" Folken said hastily, turning to her. "In a weird kind of way!"
"That's NOT what I meant," Sora sighed. "We must be focused, my lord."
"Alright," Folken agreed. "By all means, proceed."
"You've gotten yourself a new armor," Sora said sadly. "You've already got thousands of troops, yet you still want even more power."
"Hey. Come on," Folken argued. "It's…it's like cars. I need a whole line of 'em to show how awesome I am. Plus, this one's got a leather interior and side air-bags, even though I had to give it to that brat Dilly. Now, try persuading the Wing Goddess to come on over here, alright? Use your…feminine charms or something."
"Lord Folken," Sora asked after a pause, "are you insinuating that the Wing Goddess is a lesbian?"
"Well, goodness no, not HER…"
*Smack!*
"This is because I said no about going to the movie with you, isn't it?!"
-Down in the Mine Place-
Down in the huge grotto/mine-place where the other armor had been excavated, things were happening. Let's get more specific. Tubes filled with strange liquid bubbled, steam spouted out of pipes in clouds, and some weird-ass lookin' sorcerers were busy giving the newly discovered armor acupuncture and a pedicure.
"I've never felt gayer in my life," the armor groaned.
"Get over it!" The multi-eyed sorcerers snapped back. "It's called being 'metrosexual', and you'll be totally hot when we're done. Now what color do you want us to paint your nails?"
"I have nails?"
Inside the armor, Dilandau lay in the pilot seat in naught but a pair of skimpy underwear. All fangirls may shriek now. He was hooked up to many tubes and wires, and judging by his twitches and groans, it wasn't very pleasant. Jajuka, his faithful canine companion, watched from above, a look of disgust on his doggy face.
"This is some pretty sick shit," he commented, eyeing Dilandau and the armor. "Lord Folken, how could you?" He pawsed (ah-HA) for a moment. "Well, actually, I can see how he could, with Dilly being a right little bastard and all, but still!"
The remaining Dragonslayers, Gatti, Chesta, and Ryuon, also watched their lord from above.
"Man, I'm glad we bribed that director to let us live- oh!" Ryuon was saying before he noticed the camera and quickly shut his mouth. "Er, I mean…if something happens to Lord Dilandau…I get his X-box."
"What?! That's not fair!" Gatti protested. "You're not even an original Dragonslayer! They just made you up for the movie! We're veterans from the series! We should get it!"
"I'll consult my psychic powers!" Chesta suggested, once again pulling out his magic eight-ball. "Oh Magic Eight-Ball, who should get the X-box? Me, right?" He shook it and waited for the answer. Try again later. "You piece of shit!"
As they argued over the gaming console, Dilandau writhed in his seat, groaning painfully.
"X…Booooooooooooooox!" He screamed as the lights went out.
-With Van-
It was in the late evening, the sun was setting, and Van was carving something in his room. Merle crouched near him, watching him sweat and swear under his breath while he struggled with the tricky piece of wood.
"Lord Van?" She asked suddenly.
"Gaaah!" Van jumped, slicing his thumb open. "This brings back bad memories of the second episode…I mean, shut up, Merle! Don't distract me! Ouchies!" He stuck his bleeding digit into his mouth and whimpered.
"Lord Van, you've changed!" Merle went on. "I think you're not so much of an inconsiderate a-hole anymore!"
"You sayin' I'm a wuss?" Van asked dangerously, glaring at her.
"No, no," Merle shook her head. "It's a good thing."
"Oh, okay." Van shrugged and looked down at his carving. "Here." He tossed it (more like whipped it) to Merle, hitting her in the eye with accidental (purposeful?) precision.
"Mrawr! Huh? Oh!" Merle gasped in delight as she saw out of her one good eye the carving in her paw. "Thank you, Lord Van! It's a…piece of dookie?"
"It's a mouse!" Van growled. "I'm no artist, alright? Cut me some slack."
"Oh." Merle paused. "I can't eat this shit."
"Merle," Van sighed, standing up, "once the battle is over, I'm gonna go back to Adom."
"Really?" Merle brightened visibly. "You mean it? Then we'll be able to-"
"I said 'I', not 'we', bitch." Van corrected.
-With Hitomi-
Hitomi, being the heroine of this story, got a bedroom all for herself. After pocketing all the valuables she could find in the small room, she sat on the bed and began brooding over all that had transpired. She touched her face, cheeks still stinging from Millerna's slaps.
"Those jerks…" she muttered. Suddenly there was a crash, and Hitomi whirled around to find that a pitcher of water that'd been on a table moments earlier had fallen over and shattered. "I'm NOT paying for that," she said firmly, getting up and walking closer. As she knelt down amongst the broken shards and spilled water, the world entered vision-mode, with a blue sky appearing beneath Hitomi's feet and making her feel sick. "Oh God I hate heights!" She groaned, holding her stomach.
"Hello, Wing Goddess." Hitomi gasped and looked up to see Sora standing before her. Sora's pretty song played in the background while she began trying to persuade Hitomi over to the dark side. "Wing Goddess, please choose the path of Gaea's destruction."
"Well…" Hitomi thought for a moment. "Alright."
"Please, it's so that- what?" Sora blinked in surprise.
"I'll do it," Hitomi repeated. "Just tell me how."
"Wha…but, why?" Sora asked.
"Because everyone here's either an a-hole or a perv! I hate this stupid world!" Hitomi explained passionately. "I want to go home and that damn music is getting on my nerves!" She whipped out her phone and snapped it open. "What?!" She listened for a moment while Sora waited patiently. "Oh, really? Alright then. Bye." Hitomi closed her phone and sighed. "That was the director. Looks like I can't say 'yes' to you guys, it violates my contract. So, sorry, but no."
"But…but you just…!" Sora sputtered, then went quiet. She stared at Hitomi, then turned to the side and gave her a seductive look. "Want to go to the movies with me?"
"…Huh?"
"Oh, forget it." Sora sighed and the vision dissolved. "Folken's gonna get it. Right in the nuts."
"Whoa!" Hitomi blinked, suddenly finding herself back in her room. "How long was I out?" Night had fallen, and…her wallet was missing? "SON of a- that's it. That is IT! I'm joining the dark side! Where the hell is the sign-up sheet?!" She got up and stormed out of her room.
-Back with Van, Again-
"VAN!" Millerna hollered, banging his door open and barging in.
"Eeeeek!" Van shrieked like an eight year-old girl-scout and tried to cover himself, as he had been in the middle of undressing himself and was clad only in boxers.
"Oh, come on!" Millerna rolled her eyes at him and his modesty. "You walk around half-naked most of the time, anyway! Anyway, great news! Hitomi's gone!"
"What?!" Van cried in horror. "She's gone?! Are you sure?!"
"No," Millerna admitted, "but let's party!"
"Gaaah!" Van shivered as a sensation traveled up his spine once again. "Folken senses, tingling! That loser's nearby! I'm outtie!" He snatched up his sword and dashed out of the room.
"Shouldn't you put some pants on first?!" Millerna called out after him. "Oh, never mind. He'll probably notice in a couple minutes, anyway."
