Author's Note: Wow, it's been about 3 years since I've updated. I feel really guilty. I honestly have been thinking about updating this for ages. I almost posted a chapter last August, but since I never actually wrote the chapter, it didn't happen. This is going to be short to sort of test the waters to see if anyone out there still wants to read this thing. As always, please review. It will really help me know if I should continue. Even if all you say is 'yes, write more' I would appreciate it.
I'd like to give some fabulous reason for why I've been away for so long. Will 'high school' cut it? And then last summer I graduated, and since then I've been living in London, so that's been taking up my time.
Maybe I've been brought back to this because every time I go to the cinema I see the giant posters of Will and Jack (Don't you think Will looks sooo much better in these posters than he did in the old one? And is it just me or is it the same picture of Elizabitch as last time?)
I read a book a few weeks ago called 'The Pirates! In an adventure with the Scientists!' and it provided some of the inspiration for me to take up this fic again.
Disclaimer: I don't think I'm the sort of person who would be trusted to own anything.
Warnings: Slashy-ness and parody.
'You're funny, Mr Ice Cream Man!' giggled Laurentina May, for about the 10th time that minute. Commodore Norrington just glared at the accursed little brat. Three days, for three days he'd been on the horrible, stinky pirate ship with the horrible stinky pirates and this evil little monster, who seemed to think that the greatest pleasure imaginable was derived by calling him 'Mr Ice Cream Man.'
Commodore Norrington had never taken well to remarks about his hair.
And all this because that wretched Jack Sparrow couldn't be trusted. When Governor Swann had come to him with a note from some 'Raul' person, saying that Elizabeth had been kidnapped, Norrington had gone to find the Idiot Blacksmith who called himself Elizabeth's husband, only to find a note scrawled on letterhead saying 'Arrrrrrgh! Avast Matey! I be off with Captain Jack Sparrow! Yarrrr!' and about 17 exclamation points. It was dated 6 months ago. Norrington had been avoiding visiting Elizabeth and the Fool Metal Worker because seeing them together was just…. Ew. And after Elizabeth had given birth to a mini-Will in a dress (minus facial hair), Norrington had gone on a super important mission for England which helped him forget about his lost love and her with that…. that… that….. single brain cell parading as a human.
After he had acquired the Ludicrously Fast Ship Somehow Related to the Plot, he had gone in search of Will, assuming the idiot could give him more information about Elizabeth's whereabouts. He'd been wrong. Norrington wasn't surprised- Will was too stupid to care enough about his wife's whereabouts. He probably didn't even notice when she left, Norrington thought bitterly, he was probably too busy staring at himself in the mirror. Well, the Commodore reasoned, if Elizabeth had decided to plight her troth with that halfwit instead of with him, a proper man (tall, reserved, terribly British, with a stylish wig) then that was her problem.
He had found Will easily; although the Black Pearl had been at sea for six months, it had actually just been sailing around the same island over and over again. Norrington explained the situation to The Stinky Pirates and The Twerp but Will had been reluctant to leave the Black Pearl (He had fallen on his knees, grabbed hold of Jack's leg, and screamed 'Don't make me give up being a pirate!' Jack had looked strangely red in the face at this.') and so Norrington and the rest of his crew had no choice but to bring whole lot of pirates with them to Spain, dragging their disgusting pirate boat/ship along behind the LFSSRTTP. Norrington tried to cheer himself up by thinking that the LFSSRTTP was making ludicrous speed, so at least he wouldn't have to be with the pirates too long. Just looking at them made him ill. And he hadn't had a proper cup of tea in days!
Norrignton was aboard the Pearl so he could make sure Jack Sparrow didn't try anything sneaky. The only thing Jack seemed to be doing was to force The Ignoramus to swab the deck shirtless about four times a day. Norrington sighed. Sometimes he really hated his life.
While Norrington had been staring out across the black waters of the Atlantic, lost in his meditation, Laurentina May had gone off to play with her new tank of pet piranhas. Anna-Maria was steering the ship. Gibbs was off whining to Cotton about how no one ever cared about him, and Cotton was telling Gibbs to be more philosophical about it.
Meanwhile, was hiding in Will's wardrobe, smelling his shirts. Suddenly, in a sudden and surprising manner, Will opened the door to his wardrobe. He regarded Jack in a confused (sexy) way. 'Jack? What are you doing in my wardrobe?'
Jack started to roll his eyes, hoping it would trigger words. Eventually Jack said, 'I was inspecting your clothes… to make sure they… were sufficiently piratical….'
A look of utter delight came over Will. He began jumping up and down. 'OH YAY! DID I PASS! DID I PASS!' He screamed. Jack blinked.
'Well… no.' Will looked as if he was about to cry. 'Your shirts aren't quite… billowy enough. So I have to confiscate them.' Jack grabbed all of the shirts, trying to ignore the look of hurt in Will's milk-chocolate eyes. (Mmm chocolate.) The boy was actually sniffling! 'It's okay, Will,' said the Captain, patting Will's arm slowly. 'If you want, I can give you 'special pirate lessons' tonight….' Jack new he was going out on a limb, but what the hell, he was desperate.
'Yay! Jack! You're the best friend I've ever had!' The blacksmith threw his arms around him, pinning him against the back of the wardrobe. Suddenly, Will released him and grabbed his belt off the ground. It was the one that had a rhinestone Jolly Rodger on it, with 'Matey' scrawled in glittery red paint. 'Ooooh! I've been looking for this for days!' And with that, he skipped off, threw himself down on his bed, and started to read 'How to Reach Full Your Piratical Potential In Just Seven Days!' by someone called 'Ginger-Beard' Jack suspected that this 'Ginger-Beard' wasn't even a real pirate.
Jack extricated himself from the wardrobe and sat on the corner of Will's bed. 'Will… would you like to know something about pirates?' He asked in what he hoped was a husky voice. Actually, Will just thought he had a cold. Will put down his book and stared happily at the Captain.
'Yes! Jack! Tell me!' Will rocked onto his knees and moved closer to Jack, who was moving his hands around as always, but in a happier way.
'Well…' Jack paused. He told himself it couldn't hurt to try. 'Well, you see, Will,' Will was staring at him with a look of sheer concentration. It looked painful. It also looked sexy. 'Well, sometimes pirates get lonely….' Will was still staring at him with those heavenly eyes. The boy pursed his lips.
'But they have their crews…?'
'Yes! But… what the don't have… is lots of women.' Jack stopped to see if Will was following along.
'That's because Gibbs says women are bad luck.' Will seemed happy to know some Pirate-Lore. 'But we have Anna-Maire! So it's not like there are no women around.'
'Yes, but,' Jack bit his lip. 'some pirates don't even like women.' Will nodded at this, obviously remembering how horrible it had been to be with Elizabitch. 'So when they get lonely, they want to be with…. Other men.' Will was still nodding happily. Suddenly he stopped.
'Oh, sorry, Jack, I was thinking about this really catchy sea-shanty that Cotton taught me, I forgot to listen!' Will was very embarrassed to have missed such a crucial lesson in pirate-osity. 'Tell me again?'
Jack glared at him. Sometimes, he was actually useless. 'I said, sometimes pirates realise they don't like women and then they want to be with other men.'
Will looked confused (sexy) at this. 'But that's not fair to Anna-Maria!' he said. 'if we all decided to sing sea-shanties one night, and we made Anna-Maria go away because she's not a boy, that would be mean! And she's a pirate, just like us!'
'Will, I don't mean like that. I mean, sometimes, a pirate just wants to be alone with one other pirate…' Jack leaned forward and put his hand on Will's knee. Will looked down at his hand.
'DADDY I LOVE YOU!' Squealed Tina, barging into the room and jumping on her father. 'You're the best Daddy ever!' She wrapped her arms around his neck.
'And you're the best daughter ever!' Squealed Will, hugging his mini-self tightly. Jack considered shooting himself. Instead, he left Will's quarters (room) to go up on deck and check on his crew.
He found Norrington standing on the bow, sucking a lime. He started to laugh.
'You laugh now,' Norrington said dryly, 'but when you get scurvy and die, I'll be the one laughing.' Norrington imagined Jack dying. It made him very happy indeed.
Will wandered up to where they were standing. He was carrying Laurentina May. Both Jack and Norrington visible shuddered. Will set her down and she immediately ran off to play on a stack of cannonballs.
'Hey Jack, want to hear a pirate joke?' Will asked happily. Norrington snorted.
'I have one,' muttered the Commodore, 'there once was a pirate. He was called Jack Sparrow. He died of scurvy. Ha ha.'
'Captain Jack Sparrow,' Jack reminded, absently. He was watching Tina jump up and down on the top of the cannonball pile.
'My joke is more funny,' Will said. 'If there is a pirate ship carrying blue paint, and a pirate ship carrying red paint, and they sail into each other, what happens?'
'All the pirates die and no one cares?' suggested Norrington.
'No, silly! They get marooned!'
Norrington and Jack blinked. From the Crow's Nest, someone yelled, 'Land! I see Spain on the horizon!'
I hope everyone has enjoyed this new chapter. Please, please, please let me know what you think or if you are interested in me writing more. I know it's short, but I just wanted to see how it was received.
