Author's Note: Thanks for all the nice reviews! Especially all you wonderful guest reviewers, I can't respond to you individually but thanks so much for reading and commenting. Also, thanks for reading this to begin with.

I'll admit it, this isn't my favorite chapter. I don't like writing April the way I wrote her in the beginning of the chapter but she has some stuff to learn. Trust me, I made the outline for this story and I even asked myself what she was thinking. And Jackson...Jackson still has to figure out the new boundaries. Anyway, suspend any disbelief.

Happy New Year, I hope its a blessed one.

For the record on the one shot that I posted yesterday, I think I will add a couple more chapters to it. However, it will get updated slower and the chapters will be WAY shorter than they are for this story.

I don't own anything.


"What about him?" Cristina gestured with her head towards a man playing darts with some of his friends. "He looks like he lives with his mom but if you're looking for a one-time thing-"

"He looks handsy," Meredith surveyed with distaste before turning to April. "I still don't know what you think is going to happen. Sex doesn't just turn off your feelings for another person-"

"Yeah, look at her, she cried at George," Cristina interjected playfully earning a small roll of the eyes from Meredith.

April chuckled appreciatively before a look of consternation spread across her face."Who's George?" She kept hearing about the guy, but never anything substantial. She knew he used to live in the Frat House before even Alex did and that Alex's ex-wife had been fiercely protective of him but not much else.

For their part, Cristina and Meredith did not look impressed with that question.

"Mercy Wester," they muttered in unison while shaking their heads.

"Alright, never mind then," April relinquished, raising her hands in surrender. She was in need of their help; she wasn't in the position to piss either of them off. "I don't like that one; he's wearing a Michigan hat."

"But it's not like you're going to have to root for his football team," Cristina reasoned. "Come on Kepner, go for someone easy so we can go home and you can get some."

April rolled her eyes, she knew she should have asked someone other than Meredith to be her wing woman. She didn't really have many friends at work excluding Jackson, and she was fairly certain that the mental image of Ross trying to pimp her out was way too bad to try to bring it to realization. So she had asked Grey who insisted Cristina come with them. Leaving April with a pregnant woman in a bar and someone who didn't really like her all that much. She figured that her preparation could have been better for this particular project.

April shook her head stubbornly.

"I'm finding another shark," she informed as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. She wasn't drunk yet, only having drunk enough to grant her momentary courage. "Now help me pick a good one." Granted, she knew this wasn't exactly what her sister had meant by finding someone else, but that was a different matter. From April's point of reference, she wasn't ready to have any kind of feelings for someone else.

Honestly, she'd treated sex like it was something to be cherished. But maybe it was something she needed to accept that she was late to the party for and make up for lost time. Jackson had been the only person to see her in that light and it had changed her. But she had never given anyone else a chance to change her.

The idea had come into her head late the night before. She remembered all the random bar guys who never made her feel anything when they looked at her or spoke with her. They never made her feel anything much at all, and like a bolt of lightning hitting a flag pole, she'd had an idea. Everyone else seemed to do better after ill-fated hookups during bar crawls.

She forced the thoughts of the impending post-coital guilt from her mind, she'd deal with that when it came. She'd exhausted all of her other options: revirginizing hadn't worked and she couldn't go back to Jackson. She was stuck in this mindless limbo and she'd go insane if she didn't get out soon.

"I still don't get the reference," Cristina commented apathetically as she took a sip of her beer. "But the guy at the bar is okay looking. You could have pretty decent stranger sex with him."

April nodded after a moment. "He might do." Part of her felt a little guilty for treating these men like objects, but she'd had her fair share of well meaning older male patients trying to sneak peeks down her scrub top for it to last long. Tonight was a night for action. She'd had enough of all the whining and the pining and the wondering if she'd ever feel alright. It hadn't done anything at all and she'd just kept making giant mistakes. And so, April Kepner was going to act, whether people liked it or not.

So far, everyone had told her that it was a terrible idea, but that did little in way of deterring her.

"You are April Kepner," Meredith tried once again to gently persuade. "You aren't the type to throw yourself at some guy in a bar."

April thought that was a little rich. Though she had only ever known the married, stable Meredith Grey, she had heard some stories about Meredith that were more than a little colorful. She didn't point out as much since Meredith had agreed to bar hop with her while pregnant.

"Humor her. There is no way she's going to go through with it, she's never had revenge sex before," Cristina whispered to Meredith though April could still hear her.

"This is not revenge sex," she insisted as she folded her arms adamantly. "I'm just getting Jackson out of my system, resetting the equilibrium if you will. And this is happening!"

Both Meredith and Cristina looked at her skeptically, causing her to feel defensive. They were both under the impression that she'd change her mind last minute. She wasn't going to, she'd made her decision and she was following through with it.

Logistically, she knew it was her personality and general demeanor that would be her problem. She wasn't cocky but she was aware that far less attractive people than her managed to pick people up. Still, physically she had brought her A-game. The dress she was wearing was one that her sister Alice had given her. Alice had always been far more confident that April had ever dreamed to be and so though quite a pretty blue color, it was rather tight, a little short and sleeveless. She'd actually spent time on her hair and make up, physically, she was at her peak.

"I am going to do this," April ranted, slamming her hand on the table for effect. She knew they meant well, but it was a little insulting that no one had any remote sliver of faith in her. "I was a good girl, I waited until the moment felt right and then I screwed myself over. If there's no reward for playing good, then why the hell should I?"

"April, this isn't you," Meredith posed as she checked her watch for the third time in the last hour. It was no mystery to April that neither Cristina nor Meredith had thought that she'd last this long. Honestly, she'd had doubts herself.

She felt her phone buzz in her purse and pulled it out to check the screen. It was Jackson. Again. She stuffed the phone back in her purse angrily.

It was the third time today.

For the most part, the few days since her visit to the on call room had passed without incident. Despite the fact that her feelings hadn't really changed sex had acted as a catalyst of sorts. She now had to admit that the animosity she'd felt towards Jackson wouldn't be leaving on its own. She was determined to get through this by any means necessary.

She was sick of missing him.

"Fine, bar guy it is," April declared, talking a final sip of her rum and coke and stalking off.

Cristina and Meredith looked to each other for a moment in silence.

"Does this mean we can go?" Cristina asked carefully. She thought that April was being a bit too hopeful, but there were some lessons people had to learn on their own.

Meredith shook her head. "We have to give her a ride home if she strikes out."

"She reeks of desperation," Cristina commented. "Someone is going to bite."

"I'm going to stay, and since I'm your ride home that means you stay too," Meredith muttered shielding her eyes. "I don't know if I can watch, this is just sad."

"You said you wanted for her to get revenge?" Cristina reminded.

"Well, it was a lot better of an idea in theory," Meredith maintained. "This is just sad."


Jackson blew on his hands, hoping to warm them up. Entering Joe's had been an ordeal, though Seattle had nothing on the cold New England winters he'd grown up with, tonight was pretty uncomfortable. He finally had a night off and he'd hoped to catch a movie with April but she'd never called him back. Honestly he hadn't been surprised; he'd known that suddenly returning to how things were was too good to be true.

He didn't even know if it was possible for them to go back, not when he'd known her in such a different way. He hadn't said it aloud; not with April always being on the brink of pushing him away completely.

He was slowly losing his best friend and he was helpless to stop it. It was the most frustrating thing he'd ever experienced.

He looked around quickly, wondering if maybe Karev had slinked off into Joe's tonight so that he'd at least have some company but what he found almost immediately was much more surprising.

You didn't have to be a doctor to know that expectant women weren't supposed to drink. He didn't know what Yang was doing taking Meredith to a bar.

He plopped down next to them, hoping for some insight.

"You're pregnant, what are you doing in a bar?" Jackson asked directly.

"Relax, I'm drinking water. April wanted some back up," Meredith gestured with her head to the bar where the red-haired doctor was leaning on the counter top with some douche's hand on her hip. "He seems to really be interested."

Jackson had to do a double-take. So that was why she wasn't answering his calls.

Jackson nodded wordlessly, the dude definitely seemed interested alright. He couldn't blame him. April looked hot tonight. Not in the usual, subtle way that he had always found her rather pretty, but in an overt way that he knew was intentional. Her hair was a little bigger, her dress a more revealing, and her make up darker. She almost looked like the girls he normally went for...almost.

There was still some residual innocence in her eyes that kept her from looking like the typical potential conquest. He assumed she wouldn't be able to rid herself if she tried, at least he hoped so. For everyone else's comments, he appreciated that April was the girl next door. He honestly thought that not enough people were like her.

And the guy. The guy was a joke. He probably spent more time on his hair than April did, Jackson noted internally. He wasn't anything special looking but he seemed like the type to throw around whatever money he had for appearances. Jackson was good at picking out social climbers and sycophants, he was an Avery, and he'd met his fair share. April didn't want a relationship with a guy like that.

"What the hell is she doing?" He asked, thinly disguising his distaste. After six years of friendship, he was at a complete loss at what was going through her head. Guys like the one she was with weren't exactly subtle with what they were expecting.

"Looking for a replacement Avery," Yang answered meeting his enraged glare. He knew that Cristina loved to get a reaction out of people, he was hardly in the mood.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Revenge sex," Cristina revealed with faux innocence.

"No she isn't," Jackson replied seriously. He didn't find it particularly funny that Cristina was mocking April's innocence again.

"It's more 'sexual sorbet'," Meredith expounded gently.

"Really?" He managed in complete disbelief, unable to take his eyes off the train wreck before him.

"Really," Meredith confirmed sympathetically.

"Has she lost her mind?"

"She slept with you," Cristina quipped sardonically earning a small laugh from Meredith.

"But she's-" Jackson trailed searchingly.

"April Kepner?" Meredith provided.

"Yeah," a dumbstruck Jackson stated.

"She's a grown woman Avery," Cristina countered, earning a dark glare from the plastic surgeon. He knew April better than anyone, he was well aware of just how grown up April Kepner really was.

"Why didn't you guys try to stop her?" He demanded.

"We tried but it's her decision," Grey explained. "She's being really stubborn. At least this way we know she isn't going home with some guy that is going to chain her up in the basement and feed her to his dogs."

"Perilous dangers of promiscuity," Cristina added.

"But...but..."He stammered ineffectively.

"By all means, give it your best shot but I don't think she's going to listen to you," Cristina offered. "I think she's reached her fill of the Avery lovin'."

As if on cue, Jackson heard April giggle bubbly at something the jackass had said. He wasn't about to let this happen. Maybe it was creepy, maybe it was territorial, but he wasn't in the business of caring.

"I'll be right back," he declared smoothly as he stalked over to the bar.

He didn't have much of plan, he hadn't had anytime to form one, but if there was one thing he knew, it was that April wasn't this girl.

It wasn't like he had a leg to stand on, he'd had his fair share of casual flings and non-committal bed warming, he couldn't say he was generally against the practice. But it was April, he reasoned to himself. And despite the disconnect between them, he knew in his heart of hearts that this couldn't possibly make her happy.

And that was all that he wanted for her, was for her to be happy.

He watched as the dude she was with leaned in flirtatiously, and took as a sign to act. Throwing his weight slightly, he managed to bump full force into his best friend.

She fumbled for a moment, slopping her drink over her pseudo-date, she looked up in agitation before he could disarm her with a charming smile.

"Oh, April, crazy running into you," Jackson said as he helped her wipe up some of her spilled drink. He could see that she was sending him a disbelieving glare, but he chose to ignore it. "Sorry about that."

"It's fine," she muttered softly. Internally, she was wracked with guilt that she couldn't quite place. She hadn't done anything wrong, but in that moment she wanted nothing more than to run to the bathroom and hide.

"I tried calling you, that movie that I told you about is playing in that old theater that we used to go to when we were interns," Jackson informed.

"Yeah, I saw," April shrugged. "I already had plans."

"If you want we can still probably catch it-" Jackson began but the douche spoke up.

"Is this your boyfriend?" April's heart couldn't help but beat a little faster at the question.

Logically she knew the answer, but part of her was interested to see how Jackson would respond to Adam, her bar guy. Admittedly, Adam wasn't the most charming man she'd ever met, but he was nice enough. And she was fairly certain he could hold his own against whatever the hell Jackson was getting at.

"Actually I'm-" Jackson began but April shot him a look that quieted him.

"No, he isn't," April informed Adam. She tried to not be too defensive but Jackson was really killing her admittedly weak mojo.

"Oh," Adam sighed out relieved. "Did you still want to come over to my place and listen to some music?" They'd been talking about Al Green and Otis Redding, both of whom April loved.

"April's actually-" Jackson started to dismiss but April grabbed his wrist firmly and yanked him to follow her.

"I would love to. We're just going to be one minute," April said quickly before pulling Jackson to somewhere more private. As soon as she knew she was out of earshot, she began to whisper harshly. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Rescuing you, that guy is a douche," Jackson informed.

"I was having fun," she retorted, boring holes into him with her eyes. This was just like him, acting all paternalistic when she didn't need him to be. She was a grown woman; she could take care of herself.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Talking," April replied defensively.

"That isn't what Cristina and Meredith said," Jackson argued.

April paled temporarily, clearly not expecting for him to fully understand what she had set out to do. She remained silent, as if hoping that he'd forget why they were having this conversation.

"April come on, you aren't that girl," Jackson insisted pleadingly. Part of him deep down wondered if he was overstepping the careful line between friendship and something more that they had drawn for themselves but he didn't care. April wasn't the type of person to sleep around and the fact that she seemed to be doing as some misguided attempt to get back at him didn't sit well with Jackson in the slightest.

He didn't know where the April he'd known and cared for had gone but he wondered if she'd ever come back.

"Jackson, I am an adult. I make my own decisions," was her simple reply. Her voice was level and even, giving nothing away about the the emotions she must have been feeling. That scared Jackson more than anything, he was so used to dealing her outbursts that a calculated April Kepner was not something he was ready for.

"This is a mistake," Jackson stated, hoping that he could change her mind.

"This isn't your decision." Jackson couldn't help but groan to himself. April Kepner was nothing if not stubborn.

"What about Jesus?" Jackson retorted.

"You're worried about him now? Now that you've gotten everything you want from me?" April skeptically questioned, he could tell that she was biting back some more colorful remarks which led him to wonder when he became public enemy number one to her.

"Actually I think it's pretty interesting that right now you don't seem to care about him at all," he reasoned in rebuttal. In that exact moment, April wanted nothing more than to chuck her rum and coke at his head but she figured that a bar fight wouldn't look particularly wonderful on her resume.

"You aren't some whore."

"Like you?" She countered caustically. She was in complete disbelief. "So you can go and have 'one time deals' but when I do it its suddenly against your moral standing."

"Hey, hey, I'm trying to help you here," Jackson gritted out.

"I didn't ask you to help me." She turned to walk away, but Jackson grabbed her wrist and held her in place. Lately, it felt like the only way he could get her to speak with him is if he physically forced her.

"You know what these guys are after!"

"Jackson, stop trying to take care of me," April finally snapped. She saw the alarmed look on his face and felt instantly a little guilty. She gave him a small smile to soften the blow but it did nothing. She should have suspected as much, Jackson had never let her yell at him without demanding an explanation. He probably wasn't going to choose today to start.

She was falling victim to what she'd previously loved about their friendship. If asked before the boards and sex and messiness what her favorite part of their relationship was, she would have undoubtedly said the fact that they demanded the best from each other. They had always been kind and understanding to one another, they wouldn't be able to function if they hadn't. But the fact that she could always trust Jackson to tell her when something was a lost cause or she was being insane was comforting. He had always been honest with her.

When she'd been fired, the first time, she had actually leaned on Jackson more than she thought possible. While Reed and Charles had been busy nurturing her indignation, Jackson had simply told her that she'd screwed up and now it was time to move on. The boy had even spent hours with her working on her three-ring bindered resume and mock interviews. It had proven fruitless but Jackson had always been the one to tell her when it was time to just start over.

When she'd had her pathetic crush on Shepherd, Jackson was her friend who didn't pretend they hadn't noticed or that she wasn't making a mistake. One time while drinking, he had bluntly told her that everyone knew and it was a terrible idea. He'd always found the right balance of firmness and compassion which she would forever stand in awe of.

But now that he was the one she needed to leave behind, that the heart that he'd unknowingly shattered was what she needed to move on from, he couldn't save her from this.

"So this is how it's going to be from now with us? I thought we got through this."

"Jackson, you've started moving on, I need to too. This isn't a fight, it's you not being able to let go," April let out as she yanked her arm from his grasp. She saw the look of concern on his face, and she took a deep breath in. He didn't seem to understand though she wished she could make him. She softened her voice as much as she could despite the fact that she was still angry with him. "I don't expect you to understand or be okay with this, but you can't just toss me aside and expect for me to stay there."

"I didn't toss you aside," Jackson insisted, hurt by the accusation.

"Fine, you didn't," April relented, not much in the mood for fighting with him. She never liked fighting with him. "Anyway it doesn't matter-"

"It does matter-" Jackson started but she held her finger up, silencing him.

"Because its over," April finished. "I'm going to go."

"April," he sighed out pleadingly, but she just gave him an affectionate touch on his arm and turned away.

He watched as she let her bar guy help put her coat on and grab her hand, leading out of the bar.

Moments later he felt a comforting arm wrap around his shoulders. He looked down to see the tiny, but growing figure of Meredith Grey at his side.

He'd always liked her, she'd been the most welcoming even from the get go. He especially liked that of all their coworkers, she actually was protective of April. Someone had to be now that April wouldn't let him take care of her.

"She isn't going to go through with it," Meredith promised soothingly. "April Kepner is not the girl who puts out."


April bounced around nervously as Adam led her up the stairs to his apartment.

They'd talked a little in the cab, she knew the basics. He was a hedge fund manager from Florida, he moved to Seattle to be closer to his only sibling. Didn't particularly like animals but had a soft spot for rabbits. Nothing to base a marriage on but certainly something to go off of. It was a stark contrast to all that she knew about Jackson, which was arguably everything.

The life of Jackson Avery held almost no surprises for her, and yet, he constantly shocked her.

"Here's my place," Adam stated as he stuck the key in the lock. April was practically dancing with anticipation. She couldn't believe she was actually going to do this.

"It's nice," she managed as she surveyed his hallway. She was taking this all one moment at a time but even then it was all a little overwhelming. He opened the door and held it for her, to which she smiled gratefully.

She looked around, hoping for some sign of comfort but knowing that none was coming. She was making a choice for the sake of making it. His apartment was the typical bachelor pad that she herself had inhabited when living with Alex and Jackson. Jackson...

She winced. She really wished she could just stop thinking about him, especially when basically every action she had done since December had been in the pathetic attempt to get him out of her system.

"Do you want a drink?" Matt called from behind her as he walked into his kitchen.

"No thank you," she responded, not trusting herself to drink. She supposed if she was serious about all of this, a little Dutch courage would've been kind of nice but from the moment she sat down in his car she'd begun having some serious doubts.

It was one thing to talk about going home with a boy, it was completely another in practice.

Maybe Jackson had been right, maybe she really never would be this girl.

However, the thought spurred her on a little. Maybe she hadn't been this girl before, but things changed. People changed. The boards had shown her that.

Interrupting her internal debate, Adam walked into the living room and handed her a glass of water which she thankfully took. She felt the awkward tension reach a fever pitch between them. She'd never done this before; it wasn't like she knew the proper segue.

Perhaps everyone had been right. Maybe she wasn't built for this, but that thought turned into its own little aphrodisiac.

She was so sick of being so damn dependable. Her entire life she'd been predictable and stable, and now at the sign that maybe she could have a little fun, everyone was doubting her capacities.

Deciding that maybe words were over-rated, April went in for the kill the best she knew how. She kissed him sloppily, and felt a little relieved when he instantly reciprocated.

His kiss was rough and insistent, but instead of filling her with need, she felt an uncomfortable jolt run down her spine. Not the sweet tingles that she'd grown accustom to with Jackson, but an actual physiological release of adrenaline to get her away from him.

It was like her body had yet to realize that she was submitting herself to this, instead it thought she was in some kind of trouble. He intently pushed her down on the couch as his body covered hers.

The first thing she noticed was that his couch had a suede feel to it. She liked it. It reminded her of one that she'd almost bought at Ikea when moving into the apartment she'd shared with her friends but Jackson had already bought one.

Jackson.

"Damn it," she muttered to herself, causing Adam to look at her in alarm. She gave him an encouraging smile and he returned to the ministrations he'd been applying to her neck.

She tried to force herself back to the task at hand. Though she hadn't done much beyond it, she'd conquered making out years ago and had never had a problem keeping interest.

She hated how she couldn't stop her mind from continually going back to Jackson.

It wasn't fair.

Finally unable to stand it anymore, she gave him a light shove. "Hey, can we slow down a bit?"

"I thought this was what you wanted," he pressed as he shifted his weight off of her a little.

"Yaa...yes...I know but..." April stuttered weakly. "Let's slow down."

He complied for a moment, before returning his hands to her chest.

She squirmed uncomfortably for a moment. Physically, she was sure that Adam was on par with just about any other man she could have picked up, but compared to the complete involvement that had come so easily with Jackson, she found his attempts to be lacking. She felt horrible for admitting it, albeit in her mind, but she already knew that whatever she'd gone into this to find she never would.

"I thought that we were going to slow down," April reminded, he nodded wordlessly but that didn't satiate him for long. She couldn't blame him. She knew what she'd been saying yes to and she'd come anyway.

Her mind returned to the conversation she'd had with Jackson at the bar and how he had brought up Jesus. At that moment in time, she'd thought that he'd a lot audacity to bring up religion like he cared, but suddenly she couldn't get the thought out of her head.

Jackson had only been acting as her friend, whether he had the right to or not. Religion had been the single biggest obstacle for the two of them, and all the sudden she was just throwing it away. She didn't understand it either.

"We need to stop," April murmured, knowing that the single biggest libido killer was thoughts of what God was thinking about her right now.

"Why?" Adam groaned, looking up at her petulantly. April almost felt a little bad for the dude; here he'd thought that he'd be getting a sure thing only to find out that he had tried to hook up with the single most difficult woman alive.

"Because we need to," she reasoned vaguely.

"Why?" He asked as he returned his lips to her neck.

"Because Jesus isn't going to like this," April snapped before slapping her hand against her forehead. She had yet to complete a successful one night stand, but she was fairly certain that this was not how one normally approached it. His movements stilled.

"Are you kidding me?" Adam asked in disbelief. He was looking at her like she'd grown another head."Are you serious right now?"

"Look, I am going to go," April informed as she pushed Adam off of her. She'd known this was a mistake, but she'd pushed on for the sake of following through with it. Maybe she'd liked the illusion for a few hours that she could be just like everyone else, she wasn't sure. The only thing she was certain of was that she had absolutely no intention of trying this again.

"April, come on, let's just-" Adam scrambled but she had already grabbed her purse and coat.

"No thanks," she muttered, unsure of what else to say. She could feel herself ready to cry but fought her hardest to keep the saline at bay. She hated that she cried over everything. "Have a nice night."

"Tease," Adam called after her as she walked through the door but April just shook her head ruefully and kept walking. Of course he was a jerk, she'd picked him up in a bar for heaven's sakes. That sort of thing worked for Meredith and Derek, but it wouldn't for her. Not with all of her insecurities and pulls to faith and other miscellaneous baggage that made her a little bit too complicated for her own good.

April sniffed back the tears as she shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket. She had cash on her to catch a bus or a taxi, but in the end what she had needed most was some air to clear her head.

Tonight had been a disaster. She only had herself to blame of course, everyone had warned her. Everyone was always warning her and she always ruined everything anyway. Lately it was like all of these seeds had been planted in her mind that when nurtured turned calamitous. She thought that her intentions were always decent and noble, but it didn't change the havoc that had been wreaked in her life due to her own poor decisions.

She'd been sure that this Jackson weakness could be contributed the physical intimacy they had shared. Oxytocin was released during orgasm; any doctor could tell you that. The handy little neuromodulater that was implicated in creating emotional links, found in mothers when holding their newborns and other instances of pair bonding. Also linked to building trust and lowering fear, she was sure that it had all been biological.

In her stupid, desperate mind she'd hoped that all she needed to do was experience some oxytocin with someone else and her homeostasis would be restored. She still couldn't declare that theory a complete failure as she hadn't gone through with it, but now in retrospect she wondered what she'd been thinking. Of course it hadn't been all scientific and clean-cut, life never was.

It hadn't just been the sex. She should have already known that.

Not that that particular nugget of knowledge would have done much, she laughed to herself bitterly. She'd been so damn sure that she could just fix the gaping hole in her heart with one night with a guy she didn't have to worry about leaving her when something better came along.

She'd expected it to be easy. It's not like Jackson had given her a commitment before their first time. She'd been drunk on the rush punching the Case Western Reserve douche and then standing at her door, she just knew that Jackson was what she wanted in that moment. She hadn't had time to think about it because if she had she would never have kissed him, but just the empowerment brought to her by acting without thought had proved too powerful for her.

She'd assumed that trying to give someone else her physical self would be liberating or something. In the end, all the attempt had done was made her feel dirty. It had been an entirely empty experience.

Despite her humiliation, she was grateful she'd at least come to her sense before she'd done something she'd really regret.

She turned her eyes and the sky and couldn't help but speak. "I get the point. I am done with noncommittal sex, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry."

For some reason, now she could no longer ignore what she'd been running from, her mind was filled with thoughts of Jackson which in turn caused her eyes to further well with tears.

With Jackson, she'd never had to try to force herself to go through with it. From the moment she first kissed him it had all been this undeniable, unstoppable rush of adrenaline that she been powerless to resist.

And even more confusingly, a lot of the time she hadn't wanted to.

The stupid thing was, she understood why she kept going back to him. She hadn't been able to admit it in the faint light of the bar or on Adam's couch but now, all alone on the streets of Seattle; she finally had to confront the glaringly obvious. It wasn't rocket science or brain surgery, it was simple: She loved him. Like in a big, scary, life-altering way, she had it bad. She was in love with him.

And for the life of her, she had no idea what to do about it.

He'd made it clear that they didn't have much of a future together, not that she had expected one. After the baby fiasco, she hadn't only been relieved for herself. Jackson held so much promise and she wasn't about to hold him back. She assumed that he'd be happy too.

"Please be kidding me," she pleaded to God. She loved Jackson Avery...A lot. And if the last few weeks had proven anything, it was that he was incapable of really loving her back. Sure he'd managed to scrounge up some feelings for her, but it was nothing compared to the complete all-consuming love she had for him that made her desperate for some kind of reprieve.

She wished so badly that she didn't care anymore, that she felt like there was nothing more to fight for. The logical part of her mind knew that their decimation had be definitive, that they couldn't go back but some part of her was still hopelessly clinging on. She did her very best to stop herself, but it seemed like she had a lot of faith placed in Jackson that she was certain he'd never really desire.

Everything she'd done since last April had felt like a giant cry for help. Here she was, almost thirty-one-years old and she was constantly making an ass out of herself. She'd pretended that she was fine but the simple truth was, she was hurt when he didn't call, she was hurt when he kept leaving her, she was hurt when he broke up with her, and finally, she was completely and irretrievably devastated when he'd chosen to screw Stephanie.

She knew she couldn't control him; honestly she'd be a fool to even try. Jackson Avery was his own man and rarely let himself be pushed around by anyone. She should have known that the moment he felt like he was in the free and clear that he'd be ready to go back to sowing his wild oats.

She'd been an idiot to think that she could ever be enough for him.

At the moment, all she wanted to do was to call Jackson. To tell him that he was right, that she wasn't the girl who just put out for douches who bought her a drink. To tell him that at this point he was the only person she really wanted to be intimate with and she was hard pressed to think that would ever change. Mostly, she wanted to tell him the simple truth that she was in love with him and that was why this was all so hard for her.

She loved him and he probably would never love her back, she could almost laugh at the injustice. She'd been careful with her heart, she hadn't ever fully given it to anyone ever, but Jackson still had found a way to take it from her. Sneaky bastard.

It brought her back to the lonely months she'd spent in Ohio. For all the bluster she'd tried to show post-boards no one knew the complete wreck she'd been back home. In Moline she'd been left alone with her thoughts long enough to crumble beneath their weight. Revirginizing hadn't been an instinctual reaction; it had been a last straw, Hail Mary in the attempt of being able to make it out of the abyss that had quickly become her life. She'd been left hopeless and relatively alone. Her family had done their best to understand but on a basic level they just couldn't.

There were so many times that she wished that Jackson would just show up and make everything feel alright, but she knew he never would. As much as she liked to deflect to the stand-by excuse of him not having strong feelings for her, she knew that was a cop out. He asked her to stay and she hadn't. It hadn't been some oversight; she'd knowingly made the choice to leave. It had killed her to do it, but she'd made it all the same. And she had a sneaking suspicion that Jackson was a lot of wonderful things, but he wasn't the guy who would rescue her from the life she knowingly chose.

She also thought about coming back on her own accord a million times. She wouldn't have a job or a future there, but at least she'd get some closure of knowing that he knew it had changed her very world. But time passed and before she knew it, she knew she couldn't. Sure she'd reasoned to herself that he was probably gone by then, having gone and taken his plush new gig at Tulane, but if she were to be completely honest with herself she knew that it had a lot to do with fear.

And so she had stayed, and prayed to God that she could just go back and be the person she was before. Her life hadn't been easy in Seattle but she'd never felt so alone or broken in her life. But then eventually, she started feeling a little better day by day and the world hadn't collapsed on her. She'd started to go to job interviews for other jobs as a doctor at local clinics, they hadn't proven fruitful but after enough interviews she realized that she'd eventually get a job somewhere.

She'd come to accept her new life that was full of pigs, and fields and prayer and the bible.

But then Hunt had shown up.

Everything changed, all the sudden she was going back home. Her real home, the place where despite the tragedies and hurt, she'd felt like she actually come to find herself. But also slamming into her world were the consequences of decision in San Francisco.

In the moment at her door, she hadn't thought about Jesus at all. She supposed that was to be expected when you are in the moment and the blood is coursing and the synapses of the brain are firing, that in the moment when confronted with someone as tempting as Jackson, Jesus really isn't the first thought in your mind. She honestly thought that she'd be okay, but that hadn't been the case at all.

She'd felt awful. She would never tell anyone as much because they wouldn't understand but when it came down to the careful scale, nothing withstanding, of choosing God or something else, she'd gone for the something else. When the dust settled and the ramifications fell, she couldn't believe that she wasn't who she thought she was.

That's when she realized how badly she still needed Jesus. Because whether it made scientific sense or not, he'd always been the only one she could turn to when life had gotten like this. It was in the darkness that was Moline for her that she promised herself that she would do whatever she could to feel like she was on good terms with God. She'd sacrifice whatever she had to to feel that grace again.

And it had been difficult when she couldn't get Jackson to understand it. Just like she couldn't force him to feel her faith, she couldn't turn it off if she wanted to.

If she were to be completely honest with herself, that was where most of their problems had lay. Jackson had asked for more and she couldn't give it to him because he didn't understand her. Until he eventually stopped trying.

The thought circled her mind over and over again, like the rounds she used to sing in kindergarten.

After about an hour, her legs tired and cold from the chill, April sighed and stood at the nearest bus stop she came up. She lived right next to the station so it would have to go back there eventually, she reasoned. It wasn't like she was in a rush to get home. She was pleasantly surprised when almost immediately

The bus itself was relatively empty, but she assumed that was to be expected at one in the morning. There was an ancient looking woman sitting in the front, a man holding a bag of frozen peas over a black eye, a group of giggly college-aged girls, a guy around her age staring out the window and a smattering of other late night characters.

She walked to somewhere near the middle of the bus and collapsed on the bench. She felt like she'd lived her lifetime today.

"I know I probably don't deserve it, but I need some help here. Please, I need a sign that everything is going to be okay," April muttered under her breath in prayer as she rested her head in her hands. Her mind was racing, how could she really have thought that a one night stand would fix anything? She was better than that.

"Dr. Kepner," someone addressed as they took the seat next to her. She quickly wiped away the tears in her eyes and looked up. To her astonishment, she had no idea who the man who sat next to her was. He was tall from what she could tell and had light brown hair. She'd be lying if she said he wasn't attractive but for the life of her she couldn't place him.

"Do I know you?" April asked in confusion. While it probably lacked social grace, she wasn't in the position to care. Her capacity to conceal anything had been chipped away by her own lunacy.

"Probably not but I know you," he stated without a hint of being offended. She was glad. She was going to try to avoid burning bridges if she could help it.

"I'm sorry, I'm-" she searched for any decent explanation.

"Crying on a bus?" He supplied helpfully, causing her to smile a little. At least he didn't beat around the bush.

"Yeah, that," she shrugged. "You can call me April," she said, extending her hand.

"Matt," he replied, giving her hand a small shake. "I'm an EMT and so-"

"Oh," April nodded, suddenly making sense of it. She'd never gotten very close to the paramedics but she worked closely with them. Closely enough that she ought to have been able to pick him out of a crowd. She felt a little guilty. "Have we worked together?"

Matt nodded. "Just a few weeks ago I brought in a burn patient that you took along with Avery."

"I feel awful, I'm sorry-" April began but he just waved off her apology with a careless hand.

"That's really to be expected. Doctors usually keep their eyes on the poor bastard on the stretcher," Matt admitted giving her a winning grin. He was pretty, she admitted to herself begrudgingly. She didn't have the best track record with really attractive people. "As a general rule it's a good thing but it does make me kind of a stalker to you people."

"Is that so?"

"I actually know a lot about you," Matt revealed easily, giving her a challenging eyebrow.

"Should I be worried?" April couldn't help but ask.

"Maybe a little," he answered teasingly, causing her grin to grow. "So brings you to tears on the bus? Is it just some general self-loathing or did someone break your heart?"

"Both," April muttered bitterly, not having much use for dignity at that precise moment. Normally she wouldn't have the courage to straight up answer that question, but tonight had rid her of her illusions of control.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Will you tell anyone if I do?" She challenged and he shook his head. She honestly needed someone and he was asking. Normally she was more private than this but tonight had done a number on her."I tried to hook up with someone and it did not go well." She thought that was quite the understatement, but she wasn't about to admit the real downfall to some guy on the bus.

"Ah, you tried to have revenge sex against Avery," Matt's face lit up.

"No," April insisted petulantly, a little put out. "I just decided to-"

"To sleep with someone to get back at Avery for the intern," Matt finished for her. Part of her wanted to snap that he didn't know her well enough to have a stake in this, but she was so thankful to finally have someone to talk to she let it slide.

"Does everyone know about that?" April blushed. "About him and the intern I mean?"

Matt stayed conspicuously silent before giving her a guilty smile. Of course everyone knew, it was her life after all. She was the one who told Alex to begin with.

"It wasn't to get back at him," April revealed insistently, "it was to get away from him. I just needed a clean break."

"And you thought that sex would give you that?"

April gave a timid nod and Matt weighed the thought for a moment.

"That sounds a lot like revenge sex," Matt pressed earning a swat on the arm from April.

"It was not revenge sex," she insisted weakly. "Alright, it was, a little but I couldn't do it because I have a disease."

He looked at her concernedly causing her to glare at him.

"A metaphorical disease, not a real one," she clarified. "I'm incapable of stopping myself from making terrible decisions, and when I do, it's completely awkward."

"Do you know what you have?" Matt asked after a quiet moment. She appreciated that he took the time to hear what she said and deliberate before he responded.

"Self-determination to a near pathological degree?"

"Balls, April, you've got balls," he said loudly, earning a glare from the old woman in the front of the bus. "Not really, she's a lady, person, I'm fairly sure." He nodded at the woman who just snorted and returned to her knitting. "You're a woman, right?"

April couldn't help but squeal in laughter. After the night she had, this was definitely the highlight. "Yeah, I am."

"It's a nice thought, revenge sex, but I've never really seen it work well for a woman. But you took control of the situation which ought to be commended. And to be fair, you were a virgin. Sex is a big game changer," Matt commented diplomatically, earning large, doe eyes from April. "Maybe it was worth a shot."

He finished decisively, waiting for her to react to his observations but April's mind was was spinning.

"Wow, you just go for the big stuff, don't you?" He hadn't been kidding when he said he knew a lot about her.

"I don't mince words," Matt agreed seriously. "I've found that if you tell people straight up what you know and expect you avoid misunderstandings."

April nodded to what he was saying, it made a lot of sense. Here she'd been trying to be discrete and keep her cards close to her chest and it hadn't done much good.

"Do you think its creepy I know all of this?" He inquired bashfully.

April shook her head unenthusiastically. "You told me you knew a lot."

"Yes, but its weirdly in depth," Matt admitted. "Why am I saying this to you? I'm trying to impress you here."

"Here I thought I kept a low profile and now I find out that everyone was just humoring me," she murmured with a shake of her head, she chose to ignore that he said he was trying to impress her. She wasn't quite sure what she'd do with that knowledge if she owned up to it.

"It's not like that," Matt insisted. "I kind of well...I asked about you."

"Really? Stalker," April teased with a laugh. She actually thought it was a little sweet.

Matt nodded sheepishly. "You're different than other surgeons; I wanted to know a little more about you. After getting yelled at by Yang so many times you're like a breath of fresh air."

"Who did you ask?"

"Interns mostly," he admitted. "There was also the occasional nurse, who all seem to love you for the record."

"I bake them cookies for Christmas," April confessed conspiratorially. It was her own little ritual, one that she didn't discuss with her fellow surgeons. It had started when she was an intern, she baked sugar cookies for all the nurses on the floor in hopes that it would give her an advantage. It had actually been a smashing success and she'd carried on the tradition.

"I know, Shauna told me," he informed.

"Whose Shauna?" April asked with a wince. She honestly should have been paying better attention. These were people too!

"Pretty ER nurse, she had a baby last year," Matt described. "She sort of...well, she has this stutter that's a little distracting."

"Oh," April's face filled with understanding. She worked with that particular nurse a lot and she really liked her. Though always professional, she was really pleasant. "She's great."

"I know, and really nice too," Matt agreed.

"Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if I know anyone who isn't a surgeon in that place, "April shook her head lightly.

"You know people, just not the cool ones," Matt teased with an impish expression. "Really I wouldn't worry about it. You're actually known as the nice surgeon of the attendings."

She knew he meant it as a compliment but she'd been part of the hospital hierarchy long enough that it was code for soft. She had to be nice to the auxiliary workers because she wasn't good enough to justify being rude to them. Had she been Yang she could get away with it.

"Well, at least I'm not known as the Jesus freak." She watched as Matt shifted his eyes away guiltily, causing her stomach to plummet. "Oh no, I really am! How do they even know?"

"I have a 'honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker," Matt offered lamely, not answering her question. "I didn't put it there, you see I bought the car used from some Seventh Day Adventists, cool people by the way, but I haven't been able to take it off because really, how do you remove Jesus?"

April chuckled appreciatively. She had to give Matt credit for being able to keep everything light despite the fact that she'd been on the verge of tears when the conversation started. He'd been exactly what she needed. He continued without further prompting

"Do you know what your problem is?"

"Oh, so you've discovered my problem after five minutes of talking to me," April chuckled humorlessly. "You should have gone into therapy."

"You don't go after what you want. Even when we're bringing in patients, you always wait for everyone else to have their pick. You need some more fight. Just to go for it, you know?"

"Oh, and you're an expert on that?"

"I want you," Matt admitted bluntly.

"Au...ah...uh...ehh..hoooo...What?" April stammered gracelessly. She hadn't expected that.

"I'm one of the lucky few who can tell right away whether or not I like something. I like you. Am I being too bold for you?" He asked conversationally. She could honestly say that she'd never met anyone quite like him.

April nodded panicked. She was fairly certain that her eyes practically bugging out of her head wasn't an attractive look but she was beyond help in that area.

"That's a shame," Matt shrugged dispassionately. "I guess I'll have to cool it down a bit."

"That might be best," she sighed awkwardly. Honestly, he'd been exactly what she needed tonight but she'd been all over the map tonight. She couldn't be held liable for any further stupid decisions she made tonight.

"You did just get thrown aside by the dude you gave your virginity to, you're probably emotionally vulnerable," Matt remarked as if he were discussing college football and not her deepest insecurities.

"Well thank you for putting it so simply, I would hate to think you were holding back," April deadpanned but Matt just gave a nudge with his elbow. She tried to be offended but it didn't hold much weight. Somehow his charm had completely disarmed her. "Honestly, you wouldn't want me, I'm a lot more trouble than I'm worth at the moment."

"I don't mind a reasonable amount of trouble," he said earnestly.

"Maltese Falcon!" April exclaimed as her eyes widened excitedly. "I'm impressed."

"It's a good movie," Matt chuckled as April nodded emphatically. "You seem to agree."

"My parents were really strict growing up. My mom wouldn't let us watch any movie over PG until after she'd seen it and could vouch for it unless it was made before 1960 then in which everything was fair game," April reminisced happily. She'd had a really good childhood. No one here would understand it, but she'd really liked the way she'd been brought up. She harbored no ill feelings. "Maltese Falcon was my favorite noir film."

"Now I kind of want to watch 'Double Indemnity'."

"That was my mom's favorite," April confessed for the sake of small talk. They'd cover some big stuff in their time together, but that didn't stop her from using the usual tactics of keeping the conversation light.

"You actually remind me a little of my mom," Matt said causing April's eyebrows to shoot up in alarm. He winced ashamed, "Okay and that definitely wasn't sexy."

April shook her head, fighting a laugh. "No, no I can't say it was."

"I really love my mom," Matt expounded. "Not creepishly, I don't live with her or anything. All the appropriate boundaries are set. But she's a pretty stand up lady."

"Mine too," she sighed out. Sure her mom could be a little crazy and intense (which she had passed down to her daughters) but her mother loved people unconditionally in a way that April aspired to emulate. It was actually nice to be around someone with a happy home life, all of her friends had either tense or nonexistent relationships with their parents so she didn't often get to talk about her family in a flattering light. "I have a great mom."

"Maybe that's why you're different than all the others," he hypothesized seriously. He looked at her like she was a puzzle he was trying to figure out. "You're well adjusted."

"What?" She was actually a little flattered that he thought she was well adjusted. She almost wanted to record it and play it for Karev.

"Think about it," he commanded. "What emotionally healthy person wants a career where they cut people open and mess with their insides?"

"What person wants to be an EMT?" She countered. "You do a lot of the gross stuff with none of the glory."

"I'm awesome in emergency situations, it's sexy," he insisted playfully.

"Yeah until you bring up your mother," April shot back, he faked being wounded and she couldn't suppress a laugh.

"And I've just been verbally castrated. Tonight has been a great night for my ego."

"You poor baby," she sighed mockingly apologetic. "I'm sorry that hurt your feelings by being mean."

"It's okay, you're just bitter and heartbroken. The hero will live to ride another day," he jovially expressed causing April nudge him with her shoulder as the bus rolled to a stop. "And now it's time for him to go home and sleep it off."

"Oh," April couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.

"Well, it was nice talking to you Dr. April," Matt declared easily. "Is it alright if I say that I'm glad the revenge sex didn't go well?"

April teasingly shook her head in the negative and Matt smiled kindly.

"Well, all the same, I'm glad that we got to talk," he said with sincerity that made almost all of April's reservations melt. "Do me a favor and look up next time." He gave her shoulder a light squeeze and exited the bus, leaving April to try to piece the whole experience together.

April turned her eyes heavenward and smiled genuinely. She'd asked for a sign and from the looks of it, she'd gotten it. "You're good. Thank you." And as soon as she whispered the words aloud, she'd gotten the peaceful reassurance that she and God would be okay whatever they went through together.