Chapter 4: So Jealous
One week passed without mention of the wedding from Audra or hearing from Lorna. Nicky was able to put the incident from her mind for the most part, until a weeping Lorna dropped by her apartment unexpectedly while Audra was out.
Nicky let her in grudgingly but declined to speak first.
"Nicky…"
Nicky only shrugged her shoulders and shook her head, refusing to comfort her when she was the one who felt so betrayed in the first place.
"Please," Lorna begged. "I'm so sorry, baby. Please forgive me."
Lorna moved in as if to kiss her and Nicky slapped her across the face.
"You want me to forgive you?" Nicky hissed. "For what? Trying to fuck me at the wedding when I have a girlfriend and I've finally started to move on from you? For using me for sex while we were in prison? For moving on so quickly after I went to MAX that you married someone else in a matter of months? Or for breaking my heart more times than I can count? What exactly are you asking me to forgive you for, Lorna?"
"Everything," Lorna choked out between sobs. "I'm sorry for all of it. At the wedding, I – I was just so drunk and seeing you with Audra made me feel so je-" jealous, "…I don't know!"
"Jealous? How dare you! You have no right to feel jealous now. You realize I've had to watch you and Vinnie together all this time and I've respected you enough to keep my feelings to myself."
"I'm so sorry Nicky, I should never have married him."
"Why are you really here, Lorna?" Nicky asked quietly.
Lorna twisted her thumbs together anxiously. "I want to leave Vince," she whispered. "I made a mistake. I'll leave him, Nicky, I want to be with you."
Nicky raked her fingers through her hair disbelievingly.
"You're only saying that because seeing me with someone else made you feel jealous. You don't mean that."
"That's not why. I really miss you. I've been missing you. I fucked up, all right? I wanna make it right."
"It's a little late for that!" Nicky shouted at her. "I have a girlfriend – we fucking live together! I'm just supposed to drop her at your whim? And then what, in a few weeks when you start to miss dick and realize I'm not enough for you, I have to start moving on all over again? I can't go on this ride again, baby. I can't fucking do this again."
"That wouldn't – I wouldn't –" Lorna struggled to get the words out. "I'm serious here, I'm not playing games."
"Maybe you don't think you are, but I know you. Get out of here."
Lorna started crying again and moved closer to Nicky.
"I said get out of here! Get OUT, Lorna!"
Lorna did as she was told and Nicky sank onto the sofa, curling into a ball and burying her face in her hands. When Audra arrived at home several hours later, Nicky hadn't moved from her spot on the sofa except to grab a new carton of cigarettes from her purse when the one she had on the coffee table ran out.
"I'm home!" Audra's greeting to the dark, smoky apartment met silence. "Nicky, are you here?"
"Sofa," Nicky mumbled.
Audra sat down next to her and rubbed her back, taking note of the number of cigarette butts in the ashtray and growing concerned.
"You feeling okay, babe?"
Nicky moved her head into Audra's lap and shook her head.
"Tell me what's wrong."
Nicky told her everything and Audra listened quietly, patiently, until Nicky was finished.
"Really, nothing happened," Audra murmured contemplatively, "but you're this upset for a reason. Did you want to kiss her?"
Nicky was determined to answer her honestly no matter what that meant for their relationship. "I don't want to want to kiss her. I don't want to want her anymore."
"Do you still love her?"
"I don't want to love her. I wish I didn't. I wish I loved-"
Audra knew where this was going. "Do you love me?"
Nicky hesitated. "Sometimes I think I could. I want to." Audra was quiet. "Are you mad?"
"No, I'm not mad. I just wish I had been able to help you get over her. I love you, Nicky, but I can't do this anymore. Just the same as you want your love for Lorna reciprocated - I want to be with someone who loves me back. You can understand that, right?"
Nicky cried but nodded her head. She didn't blame her in the slightest. She knew all too well how it felt to be on the other side of unrequited love.
"I'll come get my things tomorrow. Goodbye, Nicky. I really just want you to be happy. I hope she makes you happy." Audra left Nicky crying and chain-smoking alone on their sofa to mourn their relationship, the first one Nicky had ever had with anyone that had resembled something real.
Weeks went by without any contact from Lorna, and Nicky began to assume that Lorna had come to her senses. Regardless of how Lorna had so totally fucked up her relationship with Audra, Nicky wanted to straighten things out with her and try to repair their friendship anyway. Nicky texted her, but after her messages received no response several days in a row, she decided to confront her in person. She buzzed Lorna and Vinnie's apartment and Vince met her at the door eagerly at first. His face dropped at the sight of Nicky.
"Oh, hey. I thought you might be Lorna."
"Uh, no? Lorna's not here?"
"No – don't you know?"
Nicky shook her head.
"She told me she was leaving me a few weeks ago. I haven't seen her since. She won't answer my calls. Closest I've got to hearing from her is the divorce papers she sent in the mail."
Nicky's heart nearly leapt out of her chest. Divorce papers? That meant Lorna was serious. But then why wouldn't she answer Nicky's messages?
"I have to see her. Where is she?"
"I got no idea, I thought she might be with you, actually."
She tried Franny's house first, but she had as little information to share as Vinnie. Franny said Lorna had stayed with her for the first couple nights after leaving Vinnie but then disappeared without a word. She tried Piper and Alex's place next, thinking Lorna would have left Franny's once the newlyweds were back from Fiji, buzzing ceaselessly until Piper finally let her up. One glance around the apartment confirmed Nicky's suspicion that Lorna was staying there; her belongings were scattered all over the place.
"Where is she, Piper?"
Piper bit her lip, unwilling to divulge information that wasn't hers to share.
"I don't think she wants to see you right now."
Nicky's temper rose. "I don't care what she wants, she showed up at my place a few weeks ago begging me to leave my girlfriend for her and just now I'm learning that she sent Vinnie divorce papers? She's getting fucking divorced and she doesn't want to see me? I can't fucking believe her, I need to see her."
Piper only shook her head. "I can't tell you where she is. She'll let you know when she's ready to see you."
If Nicky had been holding something she would have thrown it at her. Alex appeared over her shoulder and gave her a meaningful look. Nicky's phone buzzed in her purse and Alex subtly gestured at her to check her messages.
Nicky opened her phone to find one message from Alex, which simply contained the name of a local bar.
"Uhh, okay, I gotta go. I'll be back, see ya."
Nicky departed rapidly and Piper looked at Alex with confusion, shocked that Nicky had relented so easily. Alex merely shrugged her shoulders and let Piper believe Nicky had given up.
