Disclaimer: Jack Harkness is definitely not mine! (That doesn't mean you can have him, though! XD )
This one is tagged to chapter 10 of "Return to The Valiant" - and, for the first time ever, I'm having to put a warning for sexual references! *gasp*
The steadily passing time was doing nothing to alleviate the growing discomfort that the Director couldn't quite shake. In fact, if they had to wait much longer, he was certain that even the Doctor might realize what exactly they were waiting for – or rather, who they were waiting for. Tejana and Jack had been up in Jack's office for nearly two hours now, during which time the Time Lord had managed to crash and reboot Torchwood's mainframe computer four times, hopped forwards half an hour in the Master's TARDIS, recounted a tale of unicorns and superheroes to the increasingly sceptical Amy, and was now bustling around the coffee machine, whistling through his teeth.
"How much coffee do they drink around here?" he was muttering absently. "None – not a tot, not a bean, not a sausage…no, wait – they do have sausages. Where was I? Ah, coffee." With a disappointed sigh, he pushed the drawers shut and turned to the Director. "Coffee, Director. They're out of coffee. You'd like a coffee, wouldn't you? I'll just go and let Jack know – they must have-"
"Doctor?" Amy called out sharply as the Doctor made a move towards the stairs. He stopped in his tracks and raised his eyebrows in surprise.
"Pond?"
"You…ah…" Amy Pond wasn't one to be easily embarrassed by these situations, but even she didn't relish the idea of destroying the Doctor's apparently genuine innocence. "You really don't want to go up there."
"Don't worry – I'll only be a moment," the Doctor tried to assure her. "They won't even catch me on the cameras – I'll just stick my head round the door, tell Jack we're out of coffee and be back before you can say…before you can say 'Doctor, you're back'! Coffee, Amy."
"Jack, Doctor."
"Yes, Jack," the Doctor agreed patiently. "Jack, who apparently does not keep his secret base well-provisioned." Amy's glances towards the Director were becoming more desperate, until he could no longer ignore her.
"Jack," he put in, "who has secrets in said secret base. They're filming a level four, archive code fuchsia, closed footage scene with remote recording and no FTB. Spoilers," he added as a last resort, and to his relief, this seemed to satisfy the Doctor.
"Ah. Spoilers." He nodded understandingly. "Right, I won't peek. I'll just sort of…shout through the door."
"No – the microphones might be near the door." The Director wasn't so much scrambling for an excuse now – if it took the two characters up in the office two hours every time, the last thing he wanted to have to do was to make them run a second take because of the Doctor's voice coming through on the tapes. "I'll go." And before he knew it, he had found himself heading for the stairs.
Trying his utmost to keep his footfalls silent as he ascended, he stepped carefully around the Author, who was happily sealing review replies in envelopes, and approached the closed double doors that led to Jack's office. Again, he glanced at his watch – two hours – and felt a prickle of annoyance. Just how much had the Author put into that scene? For some seconds, he wrestled with his own discomposure, before leaning towards her and asking under his breath,
"How…um…how long is it supposed to take, exactly?"
"Oh, shouldn't take too long," she shrugged. "You know Jack – he doesn't waste time!"
"Well he's wasting my time," the Director grumbled. It wasn't just his time, too – perhaps he had been directing too much angst lately, but he couldn't help feeling some pity for the Master from 2008 still locked up alone in the cold, dank Weevil cells below the Hub. Last scene of the chapter, he reminded himself, and then they could all go home. The faint sound of voices was murmuring through the closed door – they must be finished, surely – and although a not-too-deep part of him was still squirming, he stepped up to the door and put his ear to the metal.
"Oh, get on with it!" Tejana's voice – impatient, and the Director could hardly blame her.
"O.K., O.K. Can I go there?" That was Jack's voice, no doubt.
"I already told you – 560 Altarian dollars."
"Oh, go easy, Tejana!" Jack groaned. "I haven't had free parking for ages…"
"You don't get anything for free, Jack." Pulling his head away from the door, the Director had to do a double-take – yes, this was definitely still the "Return to The Valiant" set – and his worst fears were confirmed. All awkwardness blown to the wind, he shouldered open the door and strode through.
"CUT!" he bellowed. "No, no, no – that's all wrong – you've completely lost the mood. This is supposed to be- oh." Jack and Tejana turned their heads and he stopped short, just missing stepping on the Jaare-Oregim music box which lay abandoned on the floor. The couple – and he had to remind himself that they were supposed to be a couple at the sight which met him – were seated opposite each other across Jack's desk, both still fully clothed. The Director couldn't deny he felt some relief at the latter observation, and his eyes strayed to Jack's hand, which was creeping across the desk towards Tejana while the Time Lady was distracted eyeing the Director with what he thought might have been defiance. She was more alert than she was letting on, though; without even bothering to turn around, she swatted at his hand and a few pieces of paper slipped from his palm.
"Come on, pay up."
"I can't!" Jack protested. "You've cleaned me out."
"No I haven't." She leaned across the desk and pointed to something on Jack's side, her eyes sparkling wickedly. "You could give me your Sash of Rassilon – look, it's only worth $150. I'll do you a deal – that plus two of those 'Get out of Stormcage Free' cards. And if you land on my Thal Dome, I'll give you three turns to pay."
"But you have the Staff – then you'd have both the utilities." Jack looked mournfully down at his meagre row of face-down cards. "I've already taken out a double mortgage on Mount Perdition." It took the Director a moment to mentally shake himself, blink and pretend he hadn't noticed two Untempered Schism cards dropping out of Jack's sleeve under the desk.
"Hang on, hang on – what is going on here?" he demanded.
"You tell me," Tejana replied frostily, with a meaningful glare over the Director's shoulder. "I'm surprised it took you this long to realize you weren't getting any action." Following her gaze, the Director's eyes alighted on a small, unobtrusive – or so he had thought – tinted glass dome in the corner of the ceiling.
"Remote recording," he said. "I thought we discussed that – didn't we agree it would be easier to set the mood without a bunch of camera crew and sound technicians in here?"
"What we didn't discuss was that it wouldn't turn off after the fade-to-black." Leaning back in the chair, she folded her arms and crossed her legs, lips pressed tightly together, her whole body language aloof and frigid. "I expect you were all enjoying it very much out there. What about the Master – does he have a screen down in that cell?" The Director's face dropped to his palm; rubbing his eyes, he drew a deep breath and tried to collect his thoughts into an explanation that wouldn't compromise their continuity.
"Look, the reason there's no fade-to-black is because…if you survive this fanfiction…we might need the scene for flashbacks." Tejana arched her eyebrows, and he realized the vital detail he had missed. "And there's no-one watching, anyway. Closed footage – wh- if the timelines are erased, no-one should remember it."
"There isn't?" A flicker of disappointment passed across Jack's face, but then it was gone and he brightened considerably. "There you go, Tejana – saved by the canon. Now, how about taking this code fuchsia to a level five, eh?" To the Director's immense relief, the Time Lady finally seemed reassured, and rose to pick up the music box.
"I owe you one," Jack mouthed over her shoulder to the Director as he opened a drawer and swept the board and into it with such haste that half the cards scattered across the carpet.
"He was cheating before we even started playing, anyway," said Tejana, while Jack reclined in his chair and reached out to flick the desk lamp on.
"Hey – am I really that kinda guy?" Jack winked, his blue eyes sparkling.
"Jack," the Director sighed, turning off the lights and backing out of the door, "you never stop playing."
