AN: Hi out there!
To my lovely Bluee: Thank you so much for reviewing!
I really kind of make a dance around my computer when i see that you've reviewed!
So.. thank you!
I wish you good luck for your exam!
Now, we'll go on and please...
to all you readers out there: read and review!
It is the only chance to know what you think about and
if you like it or not!
The songs i heard while writing it were:
My immortal by Evanescence
Drugs or Jesus by Tim McGraw
When the lights go down by Faith Hill
Twighlight Eclipse Soundtrack, The Kiss
Have i told you latley by Rod Stewart
Cold Casa Nara The Cold Case theme song
Have you ever really loved a woman by Bryan Adams
Hero by Enrique Iglesias
Goodbye my lover by James Blunt
and last but not least
So close by Jon McLaughlin
Hope ya enjoy!
Jihaw!
Chapter 4
Sometimes late at night he felt all alone.
Scotty had woman at his side nearly every time the last years but...
they're never the one he wanted to be there, beside him.
He never had he had good and peaceful sleep since Elissa was gone from his side.
No, not only from his side, but from HER side of their bed.
Once he'd thought he will be a lucky married man today, maybe expecting kids,
the damn whole program,
the white picket fences...
a garden full with childrens laughter
brown eyes that'll greet him when he'll come home
a sweet kiss to say goodbye at night
all that dreams...
long gone.
But not forgotten.
Just..
uncertain hopes, buried deep within his soul.
And nowadays he.. dreamt.
He had nightmares that hunted him nearly every night and he had come to an arrangement with them- they went away for a few hours when he was so exhausted from exercising and he pretended at day that they'd never existeted.
He closed his eyes and buried his face back down on his pillow.
He'd leave the window wide open and could see the stars at the clear and cold blue sky of the night.
The sparkling stars remembered him of the crystal clear tears he had seen in Lillys eyes this evening.
He couldn't believe he had made her cry.
Never ever had he thought he had such power over her emotions.
But when he had turned away from her she had nearly pleaded him not to leave...
and called „Hey!" at him as he did.
He should had walked away but... she had sounded so desperate.
And he'd knew what leaving her will do to her.
It must be some kind of childhood traumatic thing for her:
Her dad had been the first, then followed by all the other man in her life so far... all but him,
John Stillmann, Nick Vera and Will Jeffries.
And they told him from the look on her face as Ed shot John...
her desperation to keep death away from her fatherly friend and Boss.
She watched like a hawk over Will's hospital bed and did everything to protect Nick from IDA when he was in trouble about that case with the father of that two kids.
Scotty remembered her about his mothers case saying: „If you need help- i'll do anything."
And he never thought it was faked. He knew she meant it.
One hundered percent deadly serious.
Same as he meant what he said to her four years ago.
He rolled around in his covers and decided to get up.
It was nearly impossible to find sleep again.
He threw back the curtain from his window and stared down to the silent nature outside.
There were no lights ahead and it was really quite.
This was so different from Philly where he could always see the lights and hear the
sounds of a never sleeping city...
The stillness haunted him.
Then he heard it.
Quite at first.
Then louder.
Footsteps.
Bare feet.
As if somebody was coming to his room.
He turned around and reached for his holster and his gun.
Slowly he tiptoed to the door and...
opened it before the person outside even got a chance to get away.
He raised his gun at the shocked face and felt his breath caught in his throat.
„Jesus, Lil! What'd ya think ya doing!" he shouted out angrily and grabbed her wrist.
„Damn, come in already!" he yelled, lowered the gun and nearly punched her in.
She was paler than usual, staring at him with big blue eyes, searching his gaze.
„God, Scotty, you scared me to death! I nearly get a heartattack!"
she scowled and hissed under her breath.
„Next time i come armed myself!"
He could imagine how it must be for her to stare right into the expiration of a weapon again.
Her arms went around her small form and he gave her a quick and nervous smile.
She wore a pair of loose pyjama trousers and a pink tank top under her babyblue cardigan he knew from last time they'd visited Nashville.
Her hair was loose and cupped her cheeks in a kind of curly waves before flooding down her back.
He hadn't seen it that long since.. yeah, he didn't know when was the last time he had seen it down.
„Not my intention, believe me. I prefer my friends uncooked. Especially the more attractive ones."
„That's good to know." she returned his smile and went to the couch, and when she sat down
he could see her knees were shaking a little. She put down her right hand on her side.
„If i'd known it will be that dangerous to come to your door i'd thought twice about it..."
Scotty sat down beside her and layed down the gun in his lap.
He rubbed his eyes with both hands clenched to fists and gave away a deep and exhausted sigh.
„I was... tierd. I had... i can't sleep, that's all."
He closed his eyes and let his head rested in his hands a little longer.
He couldn't believe he said something that must sounded so... weak to her.
„I know that feeling."
she told him quitely and suddenly he felt small hands massaged the tense muscules of his shoulders.
He tried to flench away from her soft touch but... damn, that felt 'way
too good.
„God, Lil..."
He hissed and it took all his strength not to lay down and let her do that to all other tense parts of his body...
He could feel her chuckle.
„Don't be to excited... i'm not really skilled at this as it seems.
More or less semiprofessional and semi-knowledge..."
He allowed himself to lean a little more into her hands and wondered when the two of them had become so close that she'll be in his room, in the middle of the night, just wearing pyjamas and her hands on him... and it didn't even felt awkward..
When did that happen?
„'Dont care." he grinned and looked back over his shoulder.
She smiled almost proudly to herself and her features were so... she looked simply... stunning... beautiful.
All of the sudden his heart toyed with his head and send him unbidden images of himself...
holding her, his hands all over, kissing her, lay her down onto...
No!
How come...!
How dare he...!
„Thank you." he pressed his lips together and stood up.
She almost... was that... hurt? In her eyes?
„I'm sorry, i don't want to... embrass you."
She stated the obvious and got up herself.
Now she's holding herself together with her arms again.
„No! Hell, no. I... i'm exhausted, Lil,You're very welcome here, no matter what time!"
he hastened to make clear that it was his fault.
„This.. decoration ceremony tomorrow brought back unbidden memories to me-
of that year we're here and its events.. you know...
And questions. If i earn what they want to give me."
He turned away from her to hide the frustration and shame he knew must've been written all over
his face. He could hear her shifting from her position and coming to his back.
She put a gently hand on his left arm that he'd crossed over his chest and made both arms
sliding down to his sides.
„If anyone i know really earns to be honored it'll be you."
She didn't let go of his arm and he felt the hairs stood up at her tenderness.
Why did she have to be so gentle and... alomost lovingly with him?
„You're a real living hero, Scotty Valens."
Lilly said and reached up to his jaw to make him look at her again.
„You're my own personal hero, ya know."
That was too much.
He took her hand and shook it away, the skin burnt where he had felt her fingers on his chin.
„A- what?! When anybody know i don't deserve it, it must've been you, Lil! I failed you!
So many times!"
She frowned and took a step back.
Suddenly Scotty felt very cold, as if her warmth had left him all alone in the cool night air.
He started to pace around the room.
„I was such a fool to you! They all could have killed you without blinking!
And i wasn't there when you needed me the most!"
He clenched his teeth and heard the rough noise it made.
„George may had shot you in an instant,
Ed already shot you in the shoulder-
and if i had been there where i should have been- at your side, where i belong-,
if i had stayed with you that damn day when your mother died,-
if i was the friend and partner to you i wished i was,-
the partner you really deserve,-
nothing of all that would have happened to you!"
Scotty felt his chest tightened and how difficult it was... to breath...when darkness took over,
a heavy feeling squeezing his heart.
How that hurt...
So much pain...
„Nothing should've harm you!"
he whispered to himself made it sounding almost like a prayer.
„And Ed..
I let him shoot you! Ya understand?! I let him! I let him do that to you!
It was all my fault- if i had come in earlier, ran up the stairs a little bit faster,
shoot in the moment before Ed even had a chance to get you!"
Scotty throwed both hands up in the air and saw his arms trembling with rage.
„But i'm not that lucky. I'm a lousy detective. A jumping jack in uniform."
Tears waited to get free and he pressed both hands angrily onto his eyes.
„ Then, not a year later, Smith tramped on your nerves when you're in a labile state of mind.
He toyed with you and i didn't do anything to protect you!
Kitchner throw you under water and i'm too blind to see the danger radiating from him-
But you- you caught him- thrilled him that much he tried to kill you!"
Scotty gave her a quick glance over his shoulder again.
She stood there still, looking at him as if he'd gone mad.
„If i was at your back like i should have been i could've kicked his ass from that bridge myself!"
Now he felt the breakdown and the water following his every step and his legs felt as if somebody had bend plump on them.
All he wanted was to give in and curled to a ball on the floor, to never open his eyes again.
But he wasn't even finished.
„And that mad guy who's Chris babys fathers companion- the one who stealed your gun-
he'd smashed something against your head, could've been killing you right there..."
„You don't know, Scotty."
she said loud but calmly.
Lilly stood there, stunned as it seemed.
„But what i know is that you've saved me. If you were'nt there to save me i'm not here anymore!"
she spelled the words out one by one, loud and clear, as if they had some meaning to her...
„I failed. Like i always did."
He caughed, heard the sobs coming up.
One escaped and shook his shoulders and up and down his spine.
„I should have saved Elissa. I'd had to be there for Christina.
I was not in the position to save my own Mum from that asshole Mota."
She slowly creeped up to his side like one of her cats would've done.
Quite and nearly unnoticeable.
She reached him and just stood there.
„I tried, Lil. Everytime i tried, but at least... i can't do anything..."
He slumped down to his knees, both hands trembling but pressed deep into the carpet.
„I'm not able to save anyone..."
„Oh, Scotty..."
Lilly knelt down beside him, her voice wisphered his name in his right ear and he felt
how she drove with one hand over the back of his head in slow circles to calm him down again.
„Hush now... everything will be alright again, ya hear me?"
She had thrown her arms around his shoulders and he sank down against her tiny form.
He hugged her like a lifebelt and buried his face into her cardigan, his forehead resting on the tiny space of skin where her throat met her chest and he inhaled deep, his arms were trembling.
„I... i tried to save you, Lil, you know that, don't you? I did everything i can."
the words spelled out and then he cried.
His tears were falling onto her hair that covered his face while she embraced him
and he hugged her a bit closer.
„I know, Scotty, and you have done everything to get to me in time.
Erverytime.
There is nothing for you to be sorry for.
I'm glad that you'd come to rescue me.
You're there for me when nobody else was...
and i'm thankful.
I thank God he send you to me.
You're the one person in this crazy world who know me inside out and didn't turn away and left me It is you and me... us against the world."
She stroke his tearful face tenderly with the thumb of her right hand.
„When the lights go down, and there's nothing left to see
it is just you and me.
And i'll fear nothing as long as you're here...
to stay with me."
He closed his eyes, leaned into her touch once more and felt the pain slowly went away.
„I couldn't save Elissa. I couldn't save Chris. I couldn't even save Mum."
Scotty reached for her hand and squeezed it against his skin.
„Every woman i've ever loved came under that curse.
I'm not good for them.
I'm banned to stay alone.
Like i told Nick- I have bad habits and i need to change.
I told you once here in Nashville that i'm a lone wolf.
And that I have to be one for the rest of my lifetime
I'll have to stay away from you.
It will be only for your best."
He was crying again, his arms were slowly slinding down around hers, loosing the contact.
His heart pounded and it nearly caused him physical pain to let go of her.
„I hurt every woman in my life.
I'm a pain in the ass- you've said it yourself."
„But..."
she protested and stared him down until he had to turn his gaze away...
from the pain he saw in her eyes now, too.
„What does that mean?"
Lilly whispered, her voice tense with curiosity.
„You've heard me.
I say: stay the hell away from me!"
he pressed out between clenched jawbones.
His heartbeat raced like his heart was ready to sprang out of his chest.
Fire shot down his veins and he'd like to cry out in pain
but remained still, taking strength from a force he couldn't named.
Sending her away nearly killed him...
Because all he really, really wanted was to took what his heart was longing for ,
what he needed like oxygen,
what he'd been addicted to for all those years.
It'll break him-
but he had to do it... for her.
Because...
„You said you wouldn't leave."
He could hear the tears in her voice.
She sounded like a little girl.
„I didn't say that i'm the one leaving you.
You'll have to leave me!"
His body betrayed his words because suddenly his hands grabbed her and pressed her
shocked and tense body against his.
He cried again, sobs rocking his every being.
„Like i said:
Every woman i've ever loved was cursed.
I don't want to put you under that spell, too, Lillian Rush.
'Never want to hurt you.
I can't stand the thought that anything might happens to you, too.
I won't survive...
loosing you."
She pushed him back at arms length,
her blue eyes blazed with fury.
„I can't understand you anymore, Scotty!
You're sending so strange and contrary signals-
I can't believe you're so... so... such an...
As if..
if I..."
Confusion was written all over her face.
She blinked.
„As if... you...
You..."
He could saw it.
Understanding sunk in.
Her whole face frozed.
He could feel the tension in her body...
as realization hit her.
Her arms that were holding his trembled.
„No. That's not...possible...!
It can't...
You don't...
Na...
...
You...
do...
not...
say...
that..."
Her hand hit her mouth, covered it to shut it.
Scotty saw her hand trembled and her eyes went bigger than he'd ever seen them.
She sunk back on the floor, her face pale and beyond shocked.
„Did I hear you said...
do I understand right, that...
Did you...
just tell me that...
I mean...
do you...
I really thought i could hear you said right now...
that...
You...
love...
me?!"
