Chapter 4 – Grieving
BPOV
Three months since the car accident. Three months since my heart shattered. The first week after, I didn't leave my room. Jacob and Angela came to see me daily. Angela tried to keep herself from crying in front of me, but I could see it. Her eyes were red and there were trails of dried tears down her cheeks. "How are you feeling?" she asked. She noticed the pile of used tissues on the floor. She sat on my bed. I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around them. My head shook slowly. Not one word left my lips since Jacob left the night we found out about Edward.
I truly believed that out of everyone, my grief was the worse. While at school, it seemed that everyone was affected by the loss of Edward. The school seemed somber without him.
The basketball team had a memorial made for him. I was given Edward's basketball jersey. I was the only family he had in town. My head leaned against Angela's shoulder as I began crying. Clutching at Edward's shirt, it was to the point I had to be taken to the nurse's office. My breaths were short and quick, as tears streamed down my face. I spent the rest of the day in the small office, crying. Edward's locker was cleaned out. His personal effects were taken to his house, which was visited often.
A candlelight vigil was held for Edward and Ms. Elizabeth. People from the town and neighboring towns left flowers at the house. My dad took me to the vigil but I couldn't get out of the car. "Is that bad?" I asked Charlie as we sat in the car. Should I feel bad that I didn't want to see Edward's vigil? I fussed with the hem of my dress as I waited for his answer. Charlie shook his head, "No, it's hard to accept these things, no matter how old you are. When your Gran passed, I didn't even go to look at her in the casket."
At the funeral, I felt like a widow. There was a closed casket for Ms. Elizabeth and a memorial for Edward. The entire town was there, including people from the neighboring towns and La Push. Jacob and Billy were there. Several of the Quileute boys stood with them and they were very tall like Jacob. All of them had short cropped hair. They looked more like fraternity brothers, than friends. People believed Edward was dead, but I couldn't believe that. I felt it in my heart; Edward was still alive.
The police searched the river and the surrounding area for his body. They came up with nothing. After the third week, Edward was proclaimed dead. Finding this out, the torrent of tears began again. Couldn't this pain stop? I didn't let Charlie see me this way. It was him who decided to end the search. I knew he only continued the search for my benefit, but it was unnecessary. Edward wasn't dead. I never said it aloud, but I kept the thought strong in my heart and mind.
Angela stayed with me from time to time, as a way of her coping. She was very close to Edward as well. Jacob came by often as well, to see how I am doing, which wasn't well. After the wrecked car was removed from the scene, they found Edward and Ms. Elizabeth's bags in the trunk. An officer went through the bags and found a letter addressed to me. It was from Edward.
When I first got it, I couldn't open it, I just cried. Three days later, I finally worked myself up to read it.
Dear Bella,
I am writing this to you, because I cannot actually speak the words to you. We have been together for more than a year and I have never been happier. I realized that I had fallen in love with you a few months after we began dating. I have wanted to tell you that I loved you for months. Bella, I don't know about you, but I hate being away from you. Also, I am writing because there was something I wanted you to have. I asked my mom for it and I want you to have it. I want to give you my grandmother's ring. It was given to her by my grandfather as an engagement ring. I always told my mom I would give it to the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Bella, that's what I want from you. I don't ever want to be without you. Bella, I love you and I will always be with you. I promise.
Love, Edward
After reading this, more tears spilled from my eyes. He loved me longer than I thought and he wanted to spend his life with me. This wasn't fair. The ring wasn't among their possessions in the car, but I knew where it was. In Ms. Elizabeth's jewelry box on her dresser. She showed it to me a few months ago.
One afternoon, when I got home from school, Charlie was home and there was a car parked in front of the house. "Dad," I called out. He was in the living room. My dad stood up with a man I've never seen before. "Hello, Ms. Swan. I' am Kevin Andrews. I was Mrs. Masen's attorney. I'm here to discuss their estate." My eyebrows furrowed, "Ok?" I went to sit with my dad on the couch. Mr. Andrews cleared his throat, "It grieves me to do this at such a painful time, but you should know, on their last visit, Edward specified that he wanted his inheritance from his father to go to you." My head dropped, "Me? He wanted it left to me? Why?"
Mr. Andrews smiled, "He said he wanted to go to the person he cared most for, besides his mother. Also, you are the sole beneficiary of Elizabeth Masen's properties. Edward was her only son and he wanted everything to go to you." Charlie cleared his throat, "Why Bella?" Mr. Andrews sighed, "Both Mr. & Mrs. Masen was the only child in their families and Edward was their only son." Mr. Andrews opened his briefcase and handed me a large manila envelope. I had to compose myself and breathe deeply as I opened the envelope. The papers were a deed to their house in town, the one they had in Chicago, legal ownership papers to Edward's Volvo and several bank papers to switch ownership names.
My heart sunk seeing all that was being given to me. Mr. Andrews cleared his throat, "If you sign the bank forms, I can submit them and the accounts will be yours." They left me over $1,700,000.
My hands trembled badly. I didn't want any of this. I would pay a million dollars to have Edward back. I didn't think about it; I just signed the forms. Mr. Andrews shook my dad's hand and I remained in the living room. Edward and Ms. Elizabeth left me everything that belonged to them. When my dad came back into the living room, he just sat with me. I wanted to cry, but it felt like my body was out of tears. I've shed so much in the past few weeks. "What do you want to do, kid?" I read over the papers in my hands. All of this meant nothing to me. My head shook slowly, "I don't know anymore." Charlie glanced over his shoulder, "Come on."
My dad and I went to the Masen's house, following Mr. Andrews. He gave Charlie all the keys, from the house to the car. I couldn't go inside. That was the last place Edward was still alive, but at the same time, it was a confirmation that he was gone. The house was mine now and I didn't know what to do with it.
I had to return to the normal routine of my life. School in the morning and studying in the evening. The weekends were the worse for me. When Charlie resumed his fishing trips, while I stayed in the house, alone. The silence was deafening. When I laid in bed, I was constantly reminded of that weekend Edward and I had here. I was reminded of the countless times he and I were in my bed, just talking. When I walked past the living room, I could still see my dad and Edward watching some sporting event. One evening while I was making dinner, I caught myself making a plate of food for Ms. Elizabeth. When I realized what I was doing, I cried. My dad did what he could to comfort me, but most of the time, I grieved alone. When I cried, I went straight for my room.
At school, people were kind to me. I sat at our usual table during lunch. Part of my mind was waiting for Edward out of habit. Sometimes he would sneak up on me and make me jump. Mike was joking with Tyler, reminiscing about the trouble they got into with Edward and Damien. Lauren laughed, "I remember that. You guys egged someone's house on Halloween." I laughed too, remembering the scandal.
I'd just move to Forks, when Charlie had to leave the house quickly when he got the call. "Bella, you should have seen him. Edward was the fastest one. He showed us a way through the forest at night." I smiled, "I always said he had night vision. I never knew how he did it." Lauren breathed a sigh, "I really do miss him. I really wish I took him up on his offer." My eyebrows pulled together. Lauren and I didn't get along, but I was trying to be nice. "What are you talking about?" Lauren cut her eyes at me, "Oh, he asked me to be his girlfriend."
Angela snorted loudly, cutting off Lauren, "No, he didn't. You practically threw yourself at him," Angela pointed a finger at Lauren, "But everyone knows Edward was only focused on basketball." Lauren's face went red. She glanced at Jessica, who was conveniently looking across the cafeteria. "Angela, you don't know everything about Edward. He did ask me." My hands clasp together on the tabletop, "Lauren, between me and Angela, we know everything about Edward. He told me about how you all but stalked him. He never asked you to be his girlfriend. Edward kept his eyes on the prize, which was a basketball scholarship to UCLA."
Lauren glowered as she was caught in her lie. She sneered, "Well, it doesn't matter anymore. I mean he was too busy sleeping with you to notice anyone else." My heart fell out of my chest. Edward never, and I mean never, told anyone about our weekend. She was just talking. I stood up slowly. Angela, Eric and Mike looked at me, waiting for my response. I only scoffed, "I'm getting some lemonade." I walked around the table to the food counter. My temper got the best of me, seeing Lauren out the corner of my eye. As I passed her seat, she smirked. My fist snapped back and slammed into her mouth.
Her hands clamped over her mouth, as she screamed in pain. Tyler 'ohh'ed' as he jumped from his seat. Jessica was trying to help her crying friend. Mike and Angela watched after me as I left the cafeteria. I didn't care about getting in trouble. That was the least of my concerns.
"Bella?" I looked up to Alice Cullen. "Hi, Alice. What's up?" I escaped to the library for the rest of the hour. Her amber eyes smiled as she sat down at my table, "Are you alright? How do you feel?" My knuckles throbbed from punching Lauren. It was something I've wanted to do from day one. I shook my head, "I'm not alright. I miss him so much." She sighed, "Bella, it will get better." Why does everyone keep telling me that?
I blinked a few times, "No, Alice, it won't get better. The pain will always be there." I huffed, "He finally tells me he loves me and now, he's gone." I looked down to the table and fought back the tears. "Bella," I looked up, "Trust me, wherever he is, he's thinking about you." A tear streamed down my face, "I know that up here," I tapped my temple, "but in here," I placed my hand on my chest, "he's supposed to be with me. He supposed to be here with me, getting ready to graduate. We were going to go to college together. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me."
My voice broke and I bit my lip. I was confessing every thought to her and I didn't know Alice Cullen that well. My teeth gritted, looking for something to do. My afternoon classes were boring. There was only one place, "Alice, I know I don't know you that well, but could you do me a small favor." She nodded, "Yeah, what is it?" I sighed, "I need to go over to his house, well, it's mine now. But Edward wanted me to have something very special to him. And I don't want to go there alone. Could you go with me? I know I shouldn't ask, but…."
Alice silenced me, "Of course. I know how much he meant to you." I smiled at her, "Thank you, Alice. I really appreciate this." She nodded, "When do you want to go?" She glanced over her shoulder, "Now, maybe? You don't want to get cornered by any teacher for punching Lauren." I laughed, "Yeah, let's go." She smiled, showing her inhumanely perfect white teeth, "Sure. I'll follow you."
Alice lithely danced over to her brother, Emmett's huge white truck. She looked too small to be driving such a monstrous vehicle. The truck suited Emmett, as he was one of the tallest boys in the school. When Emmett was mad, he could make your heart stop with one stare. He had a smile that could break a supermodel's heart, even his supermodel girlfriend, Rosalie. The Cullens and Hales were voted most beautiful in the yearbook, but only Rosalie seemed to care.
Alice and I drove through the sheeting rain to the house. Flowers from the vigil were still there, covering the front gate. Alice and I stepped over them and I opened the front door. Alice didn't rush me as I hesitated. I was at my breaking point. Maybe me punching Lauren today was my way of making someone feel as bad as I did and it still wasn't enough. No, she had that coming for a long time.
I stepped inside and was immediately bombarded with emotions. There were pictures of him everywhere, from basketball to when he and his family lived in Chicago. I didn't speak as I walked past his bedroom door, which had some of his championship ribbons on it. I went into Ms. Elizabeth's room, shadowed by Alice. She moved so quietly, I almost forgot she was there. I went to the dresser and opened Ms. Elizabeth's jewelry box.
Inside it was a small black velvet box. I picked it up, but wouldn't open it. I looked up to Alice, "Do you want to see it?" She nodded and took the box. I heard her open the box and my heart stopped. "It's beautiful. How old is it?" I shook my head, "I don't know. It belonged to his grandmother. He wanted me to have it." My eyes welled with tears, remembering why he wanted me to have this particular ring. "Edward promised that he would give the ring to the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with." Alice looked up at me, "And he wanted you to have it?"
My lips trembled as I nodded slowly. I was at the edge of my sanity. My entire body shook as I fell to my knees. Alice held my shoulders and helped me up to sit on the bed. My face was covered by my hands as I screamed. Alice hugged my shoulders, trying to comfort me. But there was no point, I would never be comforted. Why was life so unfair? Why did they have to go to Portland? Why was their lawyer so far away? Why did I have to love him so much? There were so many questions buzzing in my brain, but only one question topped all of them.
Into my palms I screamed, "WHY?" Why Edward? Why did he have to be taken? I stood up frantically, out of Alice's comforting arms, "This wasn't supposed to happen. Right now, he should be talking me into going to the prom. He's supposed to be in his room on the phone with Damien talking about basketball practice. He's supposed to be with me." I cried harder feeling my control slipping away. This was my outburst. I had to get out every question that flooded my mind since the night I found out about the accident.
"Bella, I know this won't help, but these things happen." I shook my head, "I know. It happens every day. But still, I want him here. I know it's completely selfish, but I don't want this damn house, or his supped-up car. I want Edward." I sat back on the bed with Alice; she was still holding the black box. My eyes fell on the small box. I held out my hand for it. Alice rested it in my palm.
The ring was a long oval, which was set with slanting rows of glittering round stones. The band was delicate and narrow. The gold made a web around the diamonds set into the ring. I sighed, feeling a burn in my throat, "This could have been my engagement ring." I chuckled once and put the ring on the third finger of my right hand.
Since that day, I never took the ring off. If Edward couldn't be with me, this ring will serve as a reminder of him. The ring provided me with an unexpected comfort. It represented that he loved me and no matter where I go in life, I will always love him. I may come to love again, but if I do, that love will not compare to the love I feel for Edward.
