My name is Edea Lee. I have friends I would die for, and parents who I now have won the respect of. I am slated to become the next ruler of Eternia, Luxendarc's most powerful kingdom. I have it all, I guess, except for one man who I thought I couldn't stand. I suppose you could say he left me... for myself. And I won't be getting him back.
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It took a week to get to Ancheim on the Eschalot and I spent three of those days largely avoiding Alternis. I would only go on deck, when I was sure he was on break which was during lunch and night time, when his first mate took over the helm. My memorization of his strict schedule was probably the most I'd ever paid attention to him in my entire life, aside from when fought us on Grandship. I felt weird doing all this all of a sudden, but then I'd never really gotten into such an awkward position with Alternis in the first place.
I know avoiding him wasn't the best thing to do, and I felt the cowardice of my actions every single day. I wasn't the kind of person who shied away from confrontations, but this was because I usually knew how to respond in situations and tended to do so immediately on instinct. With Alternis, it was difficult. I didn't know what to say or do when I saw him. He wasn't black or white in this case, and I wasn't sure exactly what color to categorize him in, let alone understand what that color would even mean.
I couldn't avoid him during breakfast in the mess hall though. Breakfast was only open from seven to eight for the first shift, and the cook was adamant about cleaning up the second the hour hand turned to eight. During these times, I'd take my place as far away from Alternis as possible, and eat in my own little corner. Because I pointedly ignored him, I couldn't tell if he even noticed me at all. I mean, I wanted him to, but at the same time I didn't want his eyes on me, when I sat alone.
It was humiliating. Outside my home, I never ate alone. I always made friends easily and sought companionship whenever I could. People always sought me out either because I was the Grand Marshal's daughter or because I was genuinely a person that got along well with others. And unlike Agnès or Tiz, I could fill up silence with ease. But this time was different.
After breakfast, I'd head to the communications room and check for messages. Usually there was none, save a message from Mother who kept me updated on Eternia. Her note that Alternis had given me previously had read:
Edea
I'm so sorry I couldn't see you off. If I had the strength, you know I would. So I'm writing you this while Alternis waits patiently for me to finish. He is such a good man, you know? Always very concerned about you.
Anyway, I'll be sending you telegrams from time to time, but it might be awhile before you get a longer correspondence from me so I have to make sure this letter counts!
I've noticed you have been feeling rather down lately and I think I can guess why - after everything that happened to you, after the things you felt you were forced to do, I can only imagine that it must be difficult to get over your difficult decisions and it shows; you look like you haven't been sleeping properly lately and it has me concerned.
Most of all, when you told me about Ringabel, I couldn't help but notice he held a special place in your heart and you were beyond sad to lose him. In times like this, I normally would comfort you and tell you to take all the time you need in trying to get over him but alas, you do not have that luxury. You are a growing girl, Edea and one of the main reasons your father and I sent you off to travel the world, aside from making peace with the other regions was to find somebody and hopefully marry them. The only way Eternia will accept you as their new leader is if you have a spouse. Your father understood that when, after he married me, public approval and interest in him ran higher than ever. In each political scheme, you will find that public interest always rises when you have a family or are in the process of starting one. It may seem old fashioned, but it is true.
The only reason we feel this is important is because while half of Eternia loves and respects you for being Braev's daughter, the other half still views you with distrust as they feel that you betrayed them. They do not know the truth behind your actions and I'm sure you know that it would be unwise to tell them exactly what happened. You must win them over, otherwise Eternia's rulership will be lost. As it is, ever since Braev's injuries, his approval ratings have lowered due to concern over his weakened state. People are looking to a new, stronger and more capable opponent and there are rumors swilling that a new political opponent is stepping up. I will keep you updated if you want.
I don't want to pressure you, but time is of the essence and thinking about love that's impossible to return must take the backseat for now.
I love you so much, Edea. Your father and I are so proud of you and no matter what you decide to do, we will always support you.
Mahzer Lee
I couldn't believe it. Marriage? I wanted to gag. It was the last thing I wanted to think about. I ignored that part of the letter entirely, and wrote a telegram back asking after her health. Though I admitted that I needed Eternia to approve of me more, I decided that I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. For now, I needed to focus on making peace with the rest of Luxendarc.
Mother never mentioned the marriage part in her telegrams afterward. Most of her messages went along the lines of: "HELLO EDEA STOP HOW ARE YOU -(STOP)- HOW IS ALTERNIS -(STOP)- PLEASE MAKE SURE HE IS EATING PROPERLY -(STOP)-
If you think I'm exaggerating, I'm not. Mother always asked how Alternis was in her telegrams. I mostly lied about him, saying that he couldn't be better; how the hell would I know about his welfare when I was avoiding him?
Sometimes I'd get messages from other parts of Luxendarc; all regions had been notified of our purpose of visiting them which made me nervous. So far, Ancheim seemed open to the idea of an alliance which made me hopeful. Florem too, welcomed our visit though a little more hesitantly. There was no word from Caldisla or Eisenberg though, which made me worry.
I still didn't have a concrete plan with how I would set about winning the people over there. When I wasn't stewing in my own shame over Alternis rebuffing me, I threw myself into reading up on the rest of the regions and trying to come up with a plan. What seemed to be the best approach? Bribery? Flattery? We were already paying for the damages we caused, but I knew it would take more than that to really get them on our side.
I needed Tiz, Ringabel and Agnès. Agnès usually knew right from wrong; her sense of morality was as strong as mine and her will was even stronger. Tiz thought plans through in a realistic way and often times knew exactly what decision to make. He was a natural born planner, I realized. And Ringabel would have been able to supply information as he usually did when he was being unusually shrewd or wise.
I didn't have any of them yet though. I looked forward to seeing Agnès but until I saw her, I needed to come up with my own plan.
By the third night, I was exhausted. I hadn't been able to sleep thanks to the nightmares, and I was freaking myself out with the gravity of my impending mission. I needed fresh air. I exited my cabin and made my way to the deck. Often times I took a walk onto the deck at night because I needed the quiet, and I found the infinite night sky strangely comforting. I felt, when I looked at it, that my problems would always be insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and that made me feel calm. Either I went there to clear my head or to practice a few asterisks. I'd been trying to master being a Dark Knight and a Monk for the longest time after hearing Ringabel talk about his personal combination.
Tonight though, I just needed to clear my head. I crept up the staircase and opened the doors to the deck, reveling in the fresh ocean air. I closed my eyes as a gentle breeze whipped through my hair, easing some tension I'd been feeling ever since I boarded the Eschalot.
The night was cloudy which made it difficult to see anything, but I didn't mind. I approached the first mate, Theo, who was mumbling to himself. "How's it going?" I asked. Theo was probably one of the only people on here I regularly talked to, though not because I wanted to always. He was boring, but friendly and sometimes had the tendency to drone on about his favorite hobby which was unfortunately pottery. It was enough to make me smash my head against the helm sometimes.
Today, Theo had no lessons on pottery for me though. He looked pale, as he regarded a map in front of him. "The sky is cloudy today."
"So?" I asked.
"I can't read the stars. I don't know if I can pilot the ship. Blast it!" he said, smacking the helm. I waited patiently for him to get a grip which took a few minutes. Then he finally faced me. "Lady Edea, I hate to have you play the messenger, but I was wondering if you could get Alternis Dim for me. I'd rather not have this ship lose a night's worth of bad navigation."
There was an awkward silence as I regarded him for a long moment, wondering how best to respond. I definitely didn't want him knowing I was trying to avoid Alternis. "How about this; I stay here, and you can get him." I suggested. It sounded reasonable enough. The thought of not only seeking out that insufferable dark knight, but also talking to him made my gut twist.
"Begging your pardon," he said apologetically, "But you don't know how to pilot a ship. If something were to happen..."
"Nothing will happen in the five minutes it takes you to get him!" I snapped.
Theo bit his lip, his eyes crinkling in worry. He was far from intimidating; he was almost my height and weedy-looking. This made him look more pathetic. Finally he blurted, "Truth is, Lady, if you were to command him, he'd actually come out with no complaints. See, he knows you well and all, doesn't he? And even if he doesn't, you still outrank him. He won't be as upset if the order comes from you rather than me."
I highly doubt that, I thought. I narrowed my eyes at him. "So you're doing this so you can hide behind my skirts. Is that how it is?"
Theo had the decency to blush but he nodded, much to my displeasure. Coward.
And of course, because I was a pushover, I let loose a frustrated sigh. "Alright. Give me a moment."
He breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you so much, Lady Edea. I can't thank you enough for this."
My temper flared up at the thought of being manipulated into something I didn't want to do. "Mrgrgr! You owe me big time," I grumbled, and stalked off, making sure my boots clacking against the creaky floorboards sounded somewhere between authoritative and angry. I hoped this masked how I really felt; that I was about to walk into a hornet's nest.
It's nothing, I told myself. All I have to do is just order him. I am his superior, after all. I'll just command him to take the night shift. Nothing else. He has to obey me. Yet when I reached his cabin, I steeled myself, sucked in a long, nervous breath and taking only a half-second to think this over, I rapped the door as professionally as I could.
"Who is it?" I heard his muffled voice ask.
"Me," I said automatically, and mentally kicked myself. Me? As if he knows who "me" is!
But as I had that thought, the door swung open and my mouth fell open and my mind went totally blank.
"Ringabel?" I breathed.
Because surely it had to be a trick with the way his dark eyes, those eyes that I found so troublesome, depthless and foolish all at once were staring down into mine. His hair wasn't done up in its usual pompadour but it didn't matter. I reached out to touch him to see if he was real, because he couldn't be.
And then he said, "Alternis," and I withdrew my hand sharply.
Duh.
Of course it was Alternis.
I wanted the ocean to swallow me. Or I could just drop dead. Or just rewind, or give Alternis a concussion so he would forget what I just said. Maybe I could push him over the ship again to make it happen.
This was not how I imagined this scenario to go. I was supposed to be cool, professional and the very picture of a leader. But one look at his face and I was reduced to a shaking mess. Get it together, Edea!
"I know who you are," I said annoyed, trying to still my furiously beating heart. Then, for full effect, I added, "Unfortunately." Thinking quickly on my feet, I said, "I meant to say, "ring a bell" as in, you took your time opening the door."
Alternis's eyes widened at my bullshit response, but other than that his expression stayed neutral. It was strange, I thought. I couldn't help but compare Ringabel to Alternis. They had nearly identical faces but Ringabel was like an open book. I could tell when he was deep in thought, or when he was about to crack a joke. I knew when he was trying to make me jealous, or when he struggled with remembering his memory. But Alternis remained a mystery. It was absurd, considering I'd known Alternis longer than Ringabel. "Why are you at my door this hour, Lady Edea?"
I bristled at the word "Lady." Alternis never used that title with me. His stiff formality was beginning to piss me off.
"Theo is struggling with the ship. He can't see the stars properly and that's the only way he knows how to navigate the ocean. I hope I'm not asking too much by ordering you to take control tonight."
Alternis frowned, and I found myself eagerly drinking in the way his eyebrows dipped, and the way his mouth pursed. It was not unlike how Ringabel sometimes pursed his lips when thinking deeply towards a solution. "I was just about to turn in for the night."
"Yes, I can see that you don't have that eyesore armor you usually have on," I said, injecting as much dryness as I could into my tone to mask how much I preferred his face to his helmet. I was still trying to figure out if it was because I could almost imagine him as Ringabel or because I was finding Alternis's face far more welcoming than his mask.
Then Alternis did a strange thing; he actually blushed. I was puzzled as to why he would do that, but then I realized why a moment later when he passed his long, pale fingers over his face in a self-conscious gesture; he hadn't been aware that his armor had been off this whole time. How was that possible? Had Alternis been so used to wearing his armor that he could no longer tell the difference when it was on or off? "I suppose I'll be out there. Give me a moment to get ready."
The knowledge of catching him off guard made me want to smile, something I didn't want him to see so I quickly snapped, "You don't need to wear that dumb armor of yours. Just get hurry and get to the deck."
I saw his jaw lock, but he said nothing but, "As you wish, Lady Edea."
"And stop calling me by that title. You can call me Edea the way you used to. I don't see what's stopping you now."
Alternis said nothing, but he did follow me out. I congratulated myself for having the last word, and was glad that Alternis wasn't walking next to me; he probably would have seen me trying to keep it together. There were a number of questions that were coursing through me that I desperately wanted to talk to him about; about the way he thought about me, about his fall, and how that impacted him. I admit, I also wanted to know more about what he was doing while I was gone.
I never realized how lonely I felt, that I couldn't talk to him and it surprised me. But why should it? He's been in your life for a very long time now, Edea. Of course you would miss talking to him! Even if you didn't really think about him the way he thought about you... I thought back to when we fought on Grandship, when he had said he wanted to marry me.
I flushed deeply at the thought. To spring that on me, right when we were fighting! Of course, I wasn't sure if that meant Alternis really liked me, for me. I always knew he worshipped Father and loved the Lees and he had told me on several occasions that he privately wished he could be part of our family. Obviously the only way to become one would be to marry me. Did he want my title or was he really in love with me? I just really couldn't picture him caring about me beyond a sister or beyond the name. He had never indicated as much.
I opened the doors to the outer deck where Theo was waiting and bowed. "Lady Edea, Sir Alternis." I noted how red his face was, despite the poker face he was currently displaying. "I'm sorry to bother you, but-"
"It's alright, Theo. I'll take it from here," Alternis said, his voice sounding tired. I'd forgotten he'd stayed up all day controlling the ship. Pulling a night shift too had to be hard on him.
"I can stay if you'd like, I'm truly sorry to inconvenience you."
"The fault is mine. I probably should have given you the day time shifts. It's trickier to fly at night when there is hardly any light to guide you. You are free to go."
Theo bowed and muttered a, "Thanks," before he left, the heels of his boots giving a muted thud against the planks.
It was quiet for a moment then, as Alternis tried to figure out our bearings. He was studying a map of Luxendarc, when he finally spoke. "You can go too."
I chewed my bottom lip. The Past Edea would have done just that, but I realized this was a great opportunity to talk to him alone. "I... I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone here when you've already been awake since early morning."
Alternis finally glanced up, giving me a measured look. "You think I'd fall asleep here?" And I knew what he was insinuating there; that he couldn't believe I thought he was irresponsible.
"I know you're... disciplined and you probably won't," I said carefully. "But I thought you could use some company."
He said nothing, but turned the helm a few inches to the right. I felt the ship turn slightly east. Because the clouds also covered most of the moon's glow, I couldn't see his face clearly, but I could tell he seemed slightly relaxed by the way his eyebrows weren't furrowed, and the way his lips rested naturally, no tension in them at all. He had an expression that reminded me of Ringabel when he was flying, though less open. So they both enjoy controlling the ship. It relaxes them, I thought and I couldn't help but feel warm inside at the thought. I didn't want him to tense up again, but I couldn't help myself. I needed to clear up any sort of tension between us. All the silences between us were unbearable.
"So, what happened? After we left, I mean," I asked. "To you. I thought you would have died after the fall."
As predicted, I felt him tense up again, arms becoming rigid on the wheel. "I suppose it would have been easier for you if I had died. Sorry for the inconvenience, Lady." To anybody else the apology sounded casual, but to me it sounded bitter and sarcastic.
The words were like a slap to the face, but I told myself to keep calm. "Why would you say that?"
"I would just be collateral damage, I guess. Someone else for you to feel guilty about, but not nearly enough." He turned to see my befuddled expression and rolled his eyes which was rare for Alternis. Or was it? Maybe all along, Alternis was rolling his eyes at me underneath his helmet. I wouldn't know. "You stuck to your silly little ideals Edea, and I always have admired you for that. But you went beyond that. Your father and mother and even Eternia might forgive you for the insolence you showed to your friends and family, but I never will. You discarded all of us without hearing us properly."
"That's not fair," I said, and my voice sounded high.
"Isn't it? For Crystal's sake Edea, you killed so many of the people you grew up with, just because you made new friends in the span of a few days. You believed them over us. It makes you really wonder how valuable you think of the relationships you've forged over the years. You grew up with Einheria and yet she paid the price. It's the same with her sisters, your father... Master Kamiizumi-"
"Shut up!" I said loudly, losing it completely when he said Kamiizumi's name. I'd lost my composure now. I didn't care. "Don't act like you understand. You weren't with me, and you don't know what I saw." I took a step towards him and seized the lapels of his shirt. I was beyond shouting. I yanked him down so he was face to face to me. The last thing I wanted was have him looking down on me, as he often did. I saw his tense face loosen in surprise at my sudden actions. He tried to pull back, his face reddening in surprise, but I held on. I didn't care that he felt uncomfortable at our close proximity. This close, I could see my reflection in his dark eyes, and I saw how infuriated and terrifying I looked, which was how I felt. "You think none of their deaths mattered to me? Every day I wake up, wishing I was in another world where everybody was alive and believe me, there were a lot of worlds where everybody I cared about survived. I could have stayed with them, I could have had my happily ever after and nobody would have really cared or noticed I was from a different world..." And I thought back to Ringabel, thought back to the way he'd made his decision to go back to his world and I was staring at Alternis whose face was so like Ringabel's yet so unlike his. Suddenly everything was so painful because I finally really understood. I understood the decision Ringabel made because I had made the same decision. We all did, actually, Agnès, Tiz and I. I just didn't know it until now.
I averted my gaze from Alternis and pushed him away a little more harshly than I intended, facing ahead. I couldn't look at him right now, I just couldn't. I waited a beat, swallowed, and then said in a normal voice, "I could have stayed there, but I came back."
"Edea..." His voice sounded rough, like he hadn't taken a drink of water in days. If I closed my eyes and pretended that I was traveling back in time, I could lie to myself and think he was Ringabel. But a small part of me told me this was wrong. I had to face reality.
I faced him again. "I am truly sorry for what happened on the Eschalot, and for my actions. I recognize they were selfish and perhaps not the best way to deal with the situation at hand. I know that there were ways I could have prevented death, and I regret it all. If I could go back and do it all over again I would, just so I could save the lives I took. I know that it doesn't seem like I care, but I do. I could have stayed behind in an ideal world, but I chose to stay here because I needed to face the damages I've caused. The only way I can move through this all, is to look ahead and that's what I intend to do."
I wondered if he believed me. I watched his face, inscrutable as ever and with the silence pulsing through my ears, growing unbearably loud, I became frustrated. "Well? Say something!"
He bowed. "I used to think you'd make a great leader someday, as good as the Lord Marshall or even better. But now I know that you're already there."
I felt my heart strike powerfully against my ribs, yearning to be free, once or twice, and then faster and faster. Despite the chill of the night, I felt warm and I realized that even if Father and Mother believed I could do this, I also was waiting for Alternis's approval as well. I sighed, and then smiled. "So are we good then? Could you... forgive me?" I peeked up at him.
He regarded me for about a second before turning to the wheel again, his face peering intently across the ocean. I saw the hesitation in his face, and felt myself grow cold with fear. But then he said, "I could never be mad at you for a very long time. I'm on your side." His voice sounded strange when he said it.
I stayed with him for several minutes before growing sleepy. I excused myself, and made my way down to my cabin feeling lighter than before. It wasn't until I was properly in bed that I realized why he sounded strange when he said those words. He sounded like he had just come to a decision. There had been a tone of finality in his voice after all, but I detected sorrow in there too.
I tried to puzzle it out, but in the end, I fell asleep and lost myself to dreams that eventually turned into tangled nightmares.
So that ends chapter three! As always, I appreciate reviews, favs, follows to show that you like the story!
Hopefully next chapter, we'll meet Agnès and things will start picking up! Til then...
-SE
