Day of Reckoning
Nathan yawned as he came out of the restroom in his quarters. For some reason, he felt beyond worn. He'd decided to return to his quarters earlier than planned and take a shower. He was glad his headache had gone away, but he had no idea how to get rid of heartache. He glanced at the clock on the wall and saw it read 15:55. He expected to hear a knock on his hatch door at any moment, but he wasn't sure he was ready to hear Lucas' decision. He felt like he wouldn't be able to follow through if Lucas chose the second option. Nathan grabbed a cold juice out of his mini-fridge and sat down on the sofa. He massaged his temples and tried to focus on a few things Jonathan had mentioned on the bridge. A soft knock was soon heard at his door. He rose to his feet and went to answer it. Opening the door, he saw Lucas standing outside with his hands in the pockets of his jeans looking more than a little remorseful.
"Come inside."
"Said the spider to the fly," mumbled Lucas as he wandered inside and leaned against the wall.
Nathan smirked. "Glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor." Lucas shrugged and offered a small grin. "Sit down, Lucas and we can talk some more, if you like."
Lucas slowly walked to the chair and plopped down solemnly. Nathan felt sure he hadn't seen such a downcast soul in his life, except perhaps his own son under similar circumstances. Nathan walked into the bathroom, hanging up his robe and pulling on the pants he'd left there. He towel dried his hair and poked his head out the door as he tried to comb it into submission.
"Have you made your decision?"
"Can I ask a few questions first?" asked Lucas, chewing on his finger.
"Sure, shoot." Nathan peeked at the mirror before flicking off the light and entering his living area again. He walked to his drawer and pulled out a clean shirt, pulling it over his head. "I'm listening."
"What are you going to do exactly?" Lucas' face turned pink as Nathan looked at him questioningly.
"What do you mean?"
Lucas groaned. "I mean how are you going to do it?"
Nathan tugged on his shirt as he straightened it. He knew what Lucas was asking, but he felt like it would be good at ask the kid to clarify himself.
"How am I going to do what? You're going to have to help me out here, kiddo, I'm not a mind reader."
Lucas put his head into his hands and groaned. "You know what I mean, Captain." His voice was muffled by his hands. Nathan dropped his shoulders and relented. He could tell Lucas was struggling.
"If you're asking me how I plan to spank you, it's simple. I will sit on the sofa and pull you across my knee. You will cooperate with me while I use my hand to light a fire on your backside that will last for several hours. Clear enough for you?"
Lucas shuddered as licked his lips nervously. "And if I don't agree to that, then I'm grounded for an entire month?"
Nathan walked over to his desk and sat on the corner of it. "That's correct."
Lucas raked a hand through his blond hair with a loud groan. "This sucks!"
Nathan sighed. "I agree, this does suck, but somehow we will get past this and move on, and hopefully, we'll both have learned a little along the way."
"Seems like I'm the only one learning anything," mumbled Lucas.
Nathan raised a brow. "If you think this is easy on me, Lucas, you're wrong. I keep thinking about everything and my heart aches. If something had happened to you, I would've never forgiven myself. I might not be on the receiving end of the consequence, but the whole time you're grounded, it's going to remind me what a horrible of guardian I was to you."
Lucas looked surprised. "But you're not a horrible guardian, Captain." protested Lucas.
"I didn't listen to you when you needed me, so in my books, that makes me a failure."
"No, it doesn't, sir." Lucas stood to his feet and walked towards Nathan. "You have a whole ship to command, and I get it now; sometimes you're busy. I just need to handle it better, and I promise I will next time."
Nathan smiled and patted Lucas' arm. "Thanks, kiddo. I believe you will too."
Nathan pulled the boy into a tight embrace and his heart pinched when Lucas melted into the hug, like he was starved for it. He made a mental note to hug the boy more often, even if he protested. After several minutes, Lucas' squirmed enough that Nathan reluctantly let him go.
"So what's your decision?"
Lucas fidgeted. "Option two I guess." His voice was just above a whisper. "Only because I have important stuff to do and a month is far too long to be away from it."
Nathan considered Lucas' concerns. "I understand that, but one month isn't going to change anything that drastically. Everything can wait. I chose that punishment because I feel like you learning a lesson is far more valuable than missing a few science deadlines."
"Not to me," mumbled Lucas looking sheepishly at him. "My work in the science department is really important to me. I hate letting people down who are counting on me."
"I see." Nathan had to admit he was impressed with Lucas' dedication. "Alright, if you're sure about your decision, we can proceed. I just want you to know that you can change your mind at any point up until the punishment begins. After that you have sealed your fate, understand?"
Lucas nodded.
"Ok, so from here on in, I call the shots. You can disagree all you want but what I say goes. It's not up for debate. Like I said, you're free to change your mind at any time before it starts." Nathan wanted to be sure that Lucas understood that the choice was his and that it wasn't being forced upon him against his will. Nathan never wanted to be accused of being unreasonable and abusive. Lucas needed to be the one to make the choice.
Lucas chewed his lip, looking very uncomfortable. Nathan had to admit he was feeling just as uncomfortable considering what he was about to do. He didn't like it one bit, and he hoped it wasn't going to change the dynamics of their relationship too much. He just felt like he needed to make a big impression on the kid, and he didn't know how else to do it. If Lucas was picking it as a consequence, Nathan was going to make it count for something.
Nathan stood to his feet. "Ok, I want you to go and remove your jeans in the bathroom." Lucas' eyes widened. "Before you have a heart attack," continued Nathan, "I'm not out to steal your dignity and humiliate you anymore than necessary, Lucas. I just don't think it's worth my time to apply this lesson to the seat of your jeans. I feel certain it would be a lesson in futility, and there's no point doing this if you're not going to feel the full effects from it."
Lucas' face paled as his mouth dropped open while still staring at Nathan incredulously.
"Take as much time as you need, and come out in your boxers when you're ready." Nathan had seen Lucas in his boxers countless times before. They'd shared quarters on many occasions, and both of them had been known to wander the room in their boxer shorts without concern. He knew it wasn't that that was bothering the kid. Lucas chewed his lip as he took one last look at Nathan before disappearing into the washroom and closing the door quietly.
Nathan wrung his hands as he went to sit on the sofa thinking logistically about how he was going to handle things. He closed his eyes as he leaned back reflecting on the utter absurdity of the situation. He'd never dreamed in a million years he would be crossing this bridge with Lucas. It was not something he relished or enjoyed. He'd hated it when his hand was forced to this when Robert was a boy. There was nothing enjoyable about inflicting pain on someone you loved; it was heartbreaking to everyone involved.
Nathan had made a point to contact Lucas' father earlier in the day. He'd been completely surprised to get the man in his office. Hundreds of times before, he'd called and got the man's secretary or answering service. Lawrence Wolenczak had been just as horrified about Lucas' exploits. Nathan had been granted permission to handle the situation anyway he saw fit. Nathan had guardianship of Lucas anyways, but he just felt like he needed additional approval for this kind of thing. Lawrence hadn't seemed bothered in the least at the idea and felt it was a good idea to give Lucas the choice. It was sad to say that it had been one of the better discussions the two men had had surrounding Lucas. Nathan didn't respect the man very much, but he tried to keep the communication lines open for Lucas' sake.
Time passed slowly as Nathan waited for Lucas to come back from the washroom. Nathan wasn't going to force him to hurry. The slower this experience went, the better it would imprint on the young adolescent's mind. Nathan hoped to never repeat this lesson again. After what seemed a lifetime, Lucas returned from the restroom in his boxers and took a seat across from Nathan, looking miserable. His cheeks were tear-stained and that did not help Nathan to feel any better.
"It's not too late to change your mind, Lucas."
Lucas cleared his throat. "Let's just get it over with, Captain."
Nathan nodded. "Alright, once I begin, you cannot change your mind, understand?" Lucas nodded hesitantly. "Do not put your hand back to block me, or I will have to restrain it. I'm not out to hurt you…"
Lucas snickered sarcastically. "Then what do you call it?"
Nathan looked pointedly at him. "I call it a spanking." Lucas closed his mouth and dropped his head. "You can squirm or kick your feet or whatever you need to do to withstand it, but you may not try to get away or strike out at me. If you carry on like that I will be forced to lengthen the punishment. It's okay to cry or holler, but do not curse at me or I promise you, you will regret it."
"You make it sound like I'm going to freak out," said Lucas, not being able to keep the fear from his voice.
"I have no idea how you're going to react, Lucas. But I want you to know you're safe with me. I'm not going to injure you, but you're going to feel this. There's no point in putting either one of us through this if it's not going to be memorable. I'm fairly sure that this is not going to be pleasant time for either one of us."
Lucas swallowed and took a deep breath.
"When it's over, I'll let you know when you can get up. You can stay and talk afterwards if you want to when you've collected yourself enough, or you can go to your quarters. However, I do want us to talk afterwards at some point. I need to know you're okay, and you may want to know how I am as well. Okay?"
Lucas nodded, nervously fiddling with his fingers.
"Okay, I want you to come and stand beside my right knee." Lucas stood to his feet slowly and obeyed. Nathan looked up at him, his heart beating wildly in his chest. He reached for the boy's wrist and steeled himself for what he needed to do. "It's not too late to change your mind, Lucas," he offered yet again. Lucas' eyes remained transfixed on him. Nathan looked for some kind of excuse to make everything come to a halt but Lucas remained quiet. Nathan could feel the teen's pulse racing in his wrist. "Ok, why are you in this position?" Nathan wanted to know if Lucas fully understood why he was punishing him in this way.
"I was reckless and disrespectful. I stole the stinger and your motorcycle. I left SeaQuest without permission, and I drank while underage." Lucas hesitated a moment, tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Captain."
Nathan smiled at him encouragingly. "I forgive you, Lucas. This isn't about seeking revenge. It's about giving you a memorable consequence to help you think more concretely should you be tempted to repeat these same things again. Do you understand?"
"Yah, I guess so."
Nathan gave him a reassuring smile. "Ok, I'm going to pull you across my knee and position you." Nathan grasped Lucas' wrist tighter and did just that, trapping his legs under his right leg for good measure. He wrapped his hand tightly around his waist. He anticipated the kid was going to be squirming quite a bit, and he didn't want him to fall to the floor. Lucas fidgeted to get comfortable as well. Nathan rested his right hand on Lucas' lower back lightly. "The time to back out ends here, Lucas. This is your decision. I'm not forcing you to comply to this against your will. Are we still good to go?" Lucas shook his head. Nathan had to admit he was impressed. He wasn't sure that if roles were reversed, he would have gone through with it. He likely would have been changing his mind about now.
Nathan wanted to make sure Lucas wasn't uncomfortable and that he could breath. The lesson wouldn't be learned if he was focussing on not being able to breathe rather than the fire being ignited on his backside.
"Are you comfortable? I want you to be able to breathe without it hurting." Lucas nodded again but said nothing. Nathan closed his eyes for a few moments, feeling like his heart might burst in his chest. This was not something he'd ever planned on doing. Truth be known, he'd hoped Lucas would accept a month grounding. Kristin was going to freak out when he confessed this to her.
"Okay, I'm going to begin."
Lucas squirmed and moaned forlornly. "Just get it over with, I'm humiliated enough."
Nathan took a deep breath. He never intended it to be humiliating but the nature of the whole punishment was evidence of it. There was no other way to go about it without some kind of embarrassment. Nathan tightened his grip on Lucas' waist and raised his right hand, bringing it down smartly on the boxer clad behind. The impact astonished them both. Nathan knew the swat connected because his hand immediately started stinging and Lucas gasped. Ouch! Jeepers, I forgot how much doing this hurts my hand, thought Nathan.
"Captain, stop! I changed my mind!" shouted Lucas.
Nathan brought his hand down again with more force. "I'm sorry, kiddo, there's no changing your mind now." Lucas hissed and squirmed. Nathan continued to steadily apply the chastisement. Lucas fidgeted and struggled, but Nathan kept a firm grasp on his thin waist. If Nathan was going to force himself to do the task, he was going to make sure it counted for something. He hoped that neither one of them would ever need to be in this position again.
Nathan kept count in his head. He planned to give ten stinging swats for each offense for a total of forty. By the time he'd made it half way through, his hand was throbbing. He wanted to stop and massage his hand, but he didn't want the message interrupted. He wanted to keep the fire ignited and burning strong, but his hand had definitely seen better days.
"Captain Bridger! S-stop! P-p-please!" cried Lucas, starting to struggle desperately. Nathan knew they had entered the incredibly painful stage. Nathan knew by the pain radiating from his own hand that Lucas was feeling the fire pretty intensely.
"Sorry, kiddo, I'm not quite finished yet. The next time you're tempted to do something reckless when you're angry, I want you to remember this. I want this to be forever burned into your memory."
Lucas screamed out a few times, and it made Nathan's heart pinch agonisingly. But he did what he could to ignore the cries and further increased the speed and intensity.
"Oh, God, S-STOP!"
Nathan could hear the pleading in Lucas' voice now as he let out some heart-wrenching sobs.
"Please, Captain Bridger! I-I'm s-sorry. I'm s-so sorry."
Lucas' whole body was tense and fighting against every smack Nathan brought down. In a moment of desperation, Lucas reached back his hand in a feeble attempt to block the swats. Nathan wasn't surprised by the action, but he stopped only long enough to trap Lucas' hand under his own and continued the spanking. Lucas stopped struggling and succumbed to his sobs. Nathan continued counting until he reached the quota in his mind and then stopped. He rested his hand on Lucas' back and rubbed it gently. Lucas didn't seem to notice that Nathan had stopped but continued sobbing mournfully.
"It's over now, Lucas. You can get up when you're ready."
Lucas struggled desperately to get up, and Nathan did what he could to help him. With Nathan's assistance, Lucas managed to steady himself on his feet, and he stood glowering at Nathan. He clenched his fists together as tears streamed down his cheeks. He was choking back heart-wrenching sobs and quivering all over, making Nathan feel horrible.
"I-I hate you!" sobbed Lucas, tears streaming down his cheeks.
"My hand isn't particularly fond of you at the moment either," said Nathan, massaging his hand. It was throbbing and reminding Nathan of every swat he'd given. "But I'm hoping once the fire dissipates a little, you'll feel a little less like cleaning my clock."
Lucas opened and closed his fists, still sobbing and trying to catch his breath. His face was wet from perspiration mixed with tears. Nathan's heart pinched as he looked at the Lucas, knowing he was the one who caused the pained reaction.
"My d-dad will h-have you court-martialled," sputtered Lucas, hysterically wiping tears off his face.
Nathan sighed. "Lucas, I spoke with your dad this morning after the police officer contacted me. I wouldn't have offered you the choice if I couldn't follow through with it."
Lucas furrowed his brows while choking back another sob. He looked torn between bewilderment, betrayal and resentment. He took a few steps away from Nathan, rocking back and forth on his feet. Nathan hand was still stinging so he could only imagine how much Lucas' backside was aching.
"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Nathan, standing up to walk towards his fridge. He was thinking he might like to grasp something cold to stop the burning in his hand.
"I-l told you to s-stop!" snapped Lucas, "I said I changed my mind."
Lucas wiped his face again, still breathing heavily as his sobs turned into hiccups.
"I hate you!"
Before Nathan could say anything in response, Lucas bolted to the bathroom and slammed the door hard enough to rattle the pictures on the wall. Nathan stood staring at the door, his heart aching and feeling guilt-ridden. In that moment, he felt like the most despicable person on earth. Hot tears burned his eyes as he groaned and reached for water, placing the cold bottle on the back of his neck. He could feel a tension headache starting again. Nathan groaned feeling disheartened. He hated feeling like the bad guy. As he walked over to the washroom door and leaned against the wall, he could hear Lucas sobbing behind the door, and it broke his heart. He envisioned the kid sitting on the floor with his arms wrapped around his legs, hiding his face in his knees and sobbing his heart out. Nathan wished he could embrace him and tell him everything was going to be all right. He was hoping the one week grounding would be a time for them to bond and spend time together. They would have to work but there would be plenty of down time where they could just hang out, chat and play with Darwin. Nathan groaned. He would've much rather have been friends with Lucas like Ben, Tim and Miguel. He would've loved to be the one to give Lucas advice and shrug it off when he did something stupid. But Nathan couldn't do that. Lucas needed an authority figure in his life, and he needed to be held accountable for his choices and decisions.
Nathan startled slightly when he heard his personal communicator buzz. He sighed as he walked to pick it up.
"Bridger."
"Captain? Is everything okay in your quarters?" Nathan recognised Jonathan Ford's voice on the line.
"Everything's fine, Commander. Why do you ask?"
"An ensign walked by your quarters earlier and heard some shouting. I just wanted to make sure you didn't need any assistance."
"Lucas and I were just having a rather loud discussion earlier."
"I see." There was a pregnant pause, but Nathan didn't offer anymore information. "Dr. Westphalen mentioned he was missing for a day. I'm sorry I didn't notice, Captain," said Jonathan.
"That makes two of us, Commander." Nathan heaved a weary sigh despite himself. At this point, he was second guessing everything he'd just done. Maybe he shouldn't have offered the choice. He felt like a tyrant.
"Are you all right, Captain? You sound discouraged."
"I guess I am, Jonathan, but I'll be fine with time. Anything else you need?"
"No, sir."
"Have a pleasant evening, Jonathan."
"Same to you, Captain." And the link ended.
Nathan set his PAL down with a groan. SeaQuest was a large vessel but, when it came to gossip, it felt like the size of a tugboat. Nathan did not want any scuttlebutt running rampant on the boat about Lucas being disciplined unless the kid mentioned it. He felt like Jonathan would have mentioned it if something other than shouting had been heard, so Nathan was hopeful the event would remain a secret between him and Lucas. Well, and Kristin because Nathan planned to confess every detail to her and accept her scrutiny and loathing. Nathan was feeling pretty low and confession was supposed to be good for the soul. Of course, at this point, Lucas might never come out of the bathroom, and Nathan would never have any privacy again, not to mention the fact that he would have to use the public restrooms for the rest of the tour.
Nathan glumly sat down on his sofa and lay back, still feeling dreadful. He strained his ears to see if he could still hear Lucas crying. He hadn't expected the kid to break down like he did, but there really wasn't a right or wrong way to react to something like that. Kids were unique, and Nathan wasn't even sure if Lucas had ever been subjected to a spanking before by either of his parents. Nathan hadn't asked Lawrence whether he'd spanked Lucas before; he'd just asked if it could be an option and Lawrence had agreed. Nathan closed his eyes and yawned, feeling like the scum of the earth. He wasn't sure how long he was lying like that before he heard the jiggle of the door handle. He opened his eyes to see Lucas walk awkwardly back into the room. He was fully clothed once again, and his face was still blotchy, but he wasn't crying anymore. Lucas sauntered over to the sofa with his hands deep in his pockets, looking at Nathan despondently.
"How're you feeling, kiddo?"
Lucas shrugged. "I've been better."
Nathan knew the feeling. "Want to talk for a bit?"
"I guess."
Nathan pointed at the chair indicating Lucas should take a seat, but the teen shook his hand.
"If it's all the same to you, I'd like to stand."
Nathan smiled knowingly. "I'd really appreciate it if you'd take a seat," he said firmly.
Lucas blinked back some tears that were still hovering near the surface, but he nodded and complied, gingerly settling into the chair. Nathan was glad to see he looked less distraught and seemed ready to talk now. He could have bolted from the room, and Nathan wouldn't have stopped him. He had every right to feel angry. Anger was a natural response to this kind of thing.
"Still hate me?" asked Nathan.
Lucas sucked in his bottom lip. "No, but I do hate your hand."
Nathan bit back a smirk. "Well, my hand was sufficiently punished for its part in the evening." Nathan massaged his hand for emphasis. It was still sore but not throbbing like before.
"It hurt more than I expected. If I'd known it was going to be that bad, I wouldn't have chosen that option," admitted Lucas, licking his lips. Tears were still shimmering in his eyes.
"I'm not going to apologise for doing it. It was your choice, kiddo."
Lucas nodded. "I know, but I didn't think it would be that horrible." Lucas blushed. "No one's ever done that to me before so I had no experiences with which to compare. I thought it was a childish punishment, but it hurt so much! I'm never picking it again. It was terrible." Lucas fidgeted in his chair. Nathan couldn't help but smirk at the faces Lucas was making.
"Captain, it's not funny." Lucas looked hurt that Nathan was smirking at him.
Nathan sighed. "No, you're absolutely correct. It isn't funny." Nathan patted the space beside him. "Come here, Lucas."
Lucas looked at him in confusion.
"Sit beside me for a minute."
Lucas rose his feet and gently sat down beside the captain. Nathan wrapped an arm around the boy and pulled him into a tight hug. Lucas leaned into the embrace, and they sat like that for several minutes.
"You really scared me today, kiddo. Thinking about you being injured or killed was an excruciating thought. I couldn't bear to lose you. If I have to put you across my knee every day for a week to prove how much I love you, I'll do it."
"Oh, God, please no," moaned Lucas, whose face was still buried in Nathans chest. "I'm sorry, Captain Bridger. I truly am!"
Nathan smiled as he squished Lucas tighter causing him to gasp for breath. "Don't worry, kiddo. That kind of thing will always be a choice. I would never force it on you against your will."
Lucas squirmed and pulled away. Tears had escaped down his cheeks once again. "That's a relief because I'm never picking it again!"
Nathan smiled. "I figured that." His smile faded on his lips as he looked deeply into Lucas' blue eyes. "It's a relief to me as well, kiddo, because if you ever find yourself in that position again, I promise I won't be nearly as lenient." Nathan gave Lucas a stern look which made the boy fidget involuntarily.
Lucas' eyes widened at the remark. "Lenient? You call that lenient?"
Nathan chuckled deciding not to discuss it any further. He felt pretty confident that it wouldn't be a road either one of them would chose to travel again anyways. Lucas stared at him quietly as Nathan reached out and wiped a stray tear away with his thumb. "I love you, Lucas." More tears. Lucas leaned against Nathan resting his head on his shoulder.
"Tired?"
"Yeah, I dunno why."
"Adrenaline rush crash. I triggered your flight-or-fight response, and your adrenaline spiked. Now you're feeling the wash-out. You might want to take a nap before supper." Lucas slid down further into the sofa and put his head on Nathan's lap. Nathan stroked the boy's hair.
"I don't need a nap, sir," mumbled Lucas as he stifled a yawn.
Nathan smiled and continued massaging Lucas' head gently. The boy seemed to melt into him and lay quietly. The two of them sat together silently. Nathan looked at Lucas who closed his eyes. Tears still strained his cheeks, and Nathan wiped them away with his hand. Lucas didn't flinch and seemed to relax further into the sofa. Nathan leaned his head back on the sofa and heaved a weary sigh. He felt like he could sleep too. He closed his eyes and reflected on how he'd handled things. His heart still ached, but he was happy Lucas hadn't chosen to run away from him.
"Captain?"
"Yes?"
"Are you still disappointed in me?" Nathan heard Lucas sniffle, and he opened his eyes to see fresh tears in his eyes.
"No, kiddo. You're going to have to do some work to earn my trust again, but I have faith we'll get through this." Nathan saw Lucas swallow hard at the words. Nathan could tell Lucas didn't like to hear that he'd broken his trust. "It's all part of growing up, I suppose, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't give me an ulcer while you're going about this growing up business." Nathan patted his cheek. "Are you and I okay?"
Lucas nodded, reaching a hand up to swipe away tears again. "Yah, we're good, Captain. Shadowing you might even be kind of fun. I just hope we can swim with Darwin."
"I'll try to work that in. The grounding doesn't start until tomorrow so if you want to eat supper at the mess hall with the guys, its fine by me."
Lucas rolled onto his side more, making himself more comfortable. "I think I might grab something to go and call my dad. I need to talk to him about some stuff."
Nathan understood Lucas' desire to talk to his father. He just hoped Lawrence would make the time after everything that had happened. Lucas needed that connection with his dad now and then, but if Lawrence was going to bow out of that responsibility, Nathan was going to make sure he'd be available.
This story has one more chapter, but it's incomplete. I will add it when I finish it.
The final chapter is called Absolution. It's been the hardest chapter to write for me. I have no absolution in my mind.
Anyways, if you feel so inclined to review and berate me because this story is so horrible...I can accept it. I'm feeling so downtrodden and beaten down right now. I can only fall on my face and beg my Lord to give me the wisdom and strength to make it through this day.
Absolution will come.
