Chapter 4
A/N: This chapter might be the last one for a while; I'm moving next weekend and still have a LOT of things that need to be done. The italics are the last bit of the previous chapter, I didn't want anyone to be confused... Also, I'm probably ignoring all kinds of laws in this chapter, but it works so much better when I do that.
Just to warn you ahead of time: this is one of those chapters where my sense of humour changed... So it gets a little odd sometimes, but I like it.
They're a little more out of character in this one than they usually are in my stories (I know they're already pretty out of character), just to warn you.
~Frosty
She looked from the smirking Malfoy to the spider Harry to the trembling Ron, still on the floor behind the couch, trying to hide himself behind a throw pillow. Psychological trauma indeed.
"I think Ron's adequately traumatised now, so you can change him back," Hermione told Malfoy, who had finally closed the door.
"I don't think so, Granger. This is too much fun."
Hermione was a little bit disturbed, Malfoy was practically gleeful. She carefully examined Harry, but if she didn't know what spell or potion Malfoy used to get him that way, trying to change him back could be dangerous. Ron's whimpering from behind the couch was starting to get to her, and making it hard to think, so she stunned him.
Malfoy chuckled, drawing her attention away from Harry. She scowled at him when she saw that he had conjured popcorn and was watching them intently.
"Malfoy," she started sweetly enough to make him nervous. "Remember that picture Blaise had that he threatened you with? I think you should keep in mind that I have a copy too." His eyes widened in horror; she could do a lot of damage with that picture.
He scowled darkly at the Gryffindors, but reluctantly changed Harry back to normal before he went up to his room to pout, leaving his popcorn on the floor. Hermione grinned triumphantly at Harry and woke Ron up.
"SPIDERS!" was the first thing out of Ron's mouth. Harry and Hermione shared a look for a second, before Harry obliviated their friend.
"How're you feeling Ron?" Hermione asked him worriedly.
"I think... I had a bad dream, but I can't remember any of it," Ron said, looking around the room. "How did I get here?"
"Let's get back to our beds Ron, it's late," Harry told him soothingly, leading him out of the room. Ron followed with a bewildered look on his face.
Hermione smiled fondly at the two before heading off to bed as well.
The next few months passed relatively uneventfully. Hermione and Malfoy would occasionally talk to each other like they were almost friends, but there were also stretches where they didn't say a word to each other for days.
Before anyone knew it, April had arrived and it was time for their Easter break. Hermione had decided to go home instead of the Burrow this year – she wasn't sure whether the Weasleys had seen the picture that proved she'd brought Draco Malfoy into their home by tricking them.
The train ride home fell in the middle of one of the stretches that she and Malfoy didn't acknowledge the other one, making for a quiet day of packing and a peaceful ride home.
Hermione claimed exhaustion when she got home and settled down in her childhood bedroom. The last thought she had before she went to sleep was one of contentment that could only be brought on with the knowledge that nothing she ate could change her into a rabbit, and anything she failed to dodge would hurt, not cause some disturbing magical damage. Sometimes being a muggleborn was great.
Hermione blinked a few times in the bright sunlight before smiling sleepily and stretching; today was going to be a good day, she was sure of it. Malfoy was far, far away at the manor, everyone anywhere near her was muggle, so there was no chance of something strange happening to her, and he parents had promised her a surprise once they came home from work.
She got out of bed and padded downstairs in her bare feet in search of something to eat, but her perusal of the refrigerator was interrupted by the shrill ring of the phone.
"GRANGER!" The receiver yelled the second she said hello.
"Malfoy? Where in the world are you calling from? And when did you learn to use the telephone?" She asked him, holding the receiver away from her head.
"I think I'm in some version of... muggle Azkaban," he told her hesitantly; apparently someone on the other end had shushed him for yelling. Hermione frowned; was he trying to say he was in jail and calling from the police station?
"Malfoy, what are you doing there?" She asked him disbelievingly. In order for him to be in muggle jail, he would have had to be in the muggle world at some point, and that just didn't seem like a Malfoy thing to do.
"Potter and I had a bet. He bet that I couldn't stay in the muggle world for 24 hours without getting into trouble, and I bet that I could." Hermione snickered at that.
"Evidently, you lost," she told him dryly.
"Actually, I won."
"What was the definition of 'trouble' you two were working with? Apparently it varies from what normal people consider trouble."
She heard an annoyed sigh from the other end. "I'm going to give you the address and then you're going to come bail us out, they told me to call someone to do that for me," immediately after he said that, he recited an address and then hung up, leaving poor Hermione in shock.
"Us?" she asked no one, staring at the receiver. Who in the world would be out and about in the muggle world with Draco Malfoy?
She took a minute to mourn her peaceful family vacation before getting into her car to go and retrieve the arrogant pureblood.
Hermione found the police station with relative ease, and anxiously walked in. The officer behind the desk seemed overjoyed that she was here to retrieve 'the blond menace' and his partner in crime.
She almost didn't want to ask, but she had to know. "Why 'the blond menace'?"
The officer looked off into the distance as if reliving a horrifying memory. "We don't speak of it," he told her, before thrusting the papers she needed to fill out to get Malfoy released. Hermione made a mental note to ask 'the blonde menace' how he had earned his title later.
It took her a surprisingly long time to fill out the evil forms, but eventually a scowling Malfoy and an embarrassed Harry were led out to meet her.
Hermione raised her eyebrows in surprise when she saw it was Harry he had been with, she had been expecting Zabini or possibly Goyle.
"Why in the world were you two in jail in the first place?" She asked in exasperation as she led the still silent pair out to her car.
"It was the squirrel's fault." Draco complained. Harry looked at him in disbelief; where was the aloof Malfoy he had grown used to? Or the drunk Malfoy was bullied by wildlife? He wasn't sure he had ever heard Malfoy whine like that.
Hermione groaned; nothing reasonable could have happened between 'it was the squirrels fault' and 'com get us, we're in jail'. "Okay, explain," she told them both.
"Well, we were drinking, and Malfoy thought it would be a good idea to throw some of the bar nuts in his back pocket for later..." Harry started, glancing at Malfoy occasionally.
"Potter said there was a shortcut to the apparition point through a park... Where there were squirrels."
"A lot of squirrels," Harry added. Hermione rolled her eyes and made a 'go on' gesture.
"They started following us, and we couldn't figure out why, so we ran –"
"Tried to run," Harry amended. "We were pretty drunk, running was difficult."
Draco was nodding. "And the trees wouldn't stay still."
Hermione blinked owlishly at them for a few seconds. "Okay, that's starting to creep me out, stop finishing each other's thoughts and get on with the explaining!"
"Well, we split up and ran in different directions... We were hoping it would confuse them and they'd leave us alone... But they didn't" Harry told her.
"No, they all went after me!" Draco complained.
"They wanted the nuts in his pocket. When I found him he was halfway up a tree yelling about pants stealing squirrels."
Hermione covered her eyes with her hands. "Please tell me you had pants on in the park."
"I did... Until the squirrels stole them from me."
"Squirrels can't steal pants!"
"They can when you take them off," he responded.
"Why did you take off your pants?" She demanded, exasperated with the entire story already.
"One of the squirrels crawled up my pant leg; I had to get him out..."
"You know what? I don't want to know the whole story, just tell me why you were arrested," she told the two. She was going to personally make sure that neither of them drank in the presence of the other ever again.
"I was pant-less and trying to strangle a squirrel that was biting me, and Potter was halfway up a tree egging it on," he shot a glare at Harry, who was snickering behind his hand.
Harry shrugged, "I felt safer up the tree."
"You do realize they were squirrels Potter, if they wanted to get up the tree, they would have."
"Skip to the part with the police!" Hermione ordered.
"He tried the 'Malfoy's don't get arrested for common things' on them, but they just laughed."
"They arrested us for a bunch of things, I didn't have any pants on, was attempt to strangle wildlife, we were being rowdy..."
"Public intoxication... and I'm pretty sure I punched someone," Harry finished, showing her his bruised and cut knuckles.
"No... I think I vaguely recall you punching a tree. Does that count as vandalism?" Draco asked.
Harry pondered it for a second. "Was the tree hurt?"
"ENOUGH!" Hermione was pretty sure she was going to get a migraine from all the stupidity floating around the car at the moment. For intelligent people, those two sure could be morons sometimes. She demanded they finish the rest of the ride in silence, and turned up the radio to ensure that it happened.
When they finally got back to her house, Hermione literally dragged both boys into the living room and pushed them towards the fireplace. "Harry, floo back to the Burrow or wherever you're supposed to be, and Malfoy, you can floo back to whatever hole you crawled out of." She was annoyed, and had regressed in her treatment of Malfoy.
Harry, being a good friend and understanding that Hermione needed time alone, left immediately after a quick goodbye. Malfoy, knowing the same thing that Harry did, but not really caring, decided it would be much more fun to stay and bother Granger for a while.
"Malfoy! Go home, go to Hogwarts, go somewhere!" She yelled at him when it became apparent that he would rather poke around at the knick knacks on the fireplace mantle that actually get in the fireplace.
"Why would I go when it's so much more fun to stay here and bother you?" He asked, watching in amusement as her face flushed with anger – she was like the angry little bunny that he had seen her changed into; her anger was impressive, but had no real effect because she was just so small, she only came up to his shoulders.
Just as she was getting ready to attack the insufferable blond – whether verbally or physically, she wasn't sure – the front door opened and her parents entered. "Hermione, we brought you a surprise!" Her mom said happily as she entered closely followed by her dad and –
"Grandma!" Hermione yelled, rushing over to hug the older woman. Her grandmother had moved to India a few years before, stating she needed 'hot climate and spicy food to put some fire back into her life', much to the mortification of most of her family – she was supposed to settle down in a cottage on the countryside or something, not search for 'fire'.
"How's my little chipmunk?" The woman asked as she hugged her granddaughter, causing Draco's eyebrows to raise so high they disappeared into his hair. 'Chipmunk?' he mouthed to her over her grandmother's shoulder. She scowled at him but didn't comment.
After they were done happily watching the reunion going on in the doorway, the Grangers all came into the house and noticed the blond standing arrogantly beside the fireplace. He was looking at them as if they were particularly interesting bugs under a magnifying glass.
Hermione noticed what everyone else was looking at and glanced nervously between Malfoy and her family – as far as she knew, his only experience with muggles so far had involved them arresting him. "Umm, everyone? This is Draco Malfoy; I go to school with him." Hermione had never been the type to tell her parents everything, so they had no idea about the things that had been going on at school. They had never heard the name Malfoy before, so they didn't dislike him on behalf of their daughter – they were free to dislike him for completely different reasons, like his personality.
Mr. Granger immediately disliked him simply because he was a boy home alone with his daughter. Mrs. Granger and her mother-in-law were more charitable – there could be a perfectly innocent explanation for his presence in their house.
"What brings you here, Draco?" Mrs. Granger asked after the introductions were out of the way.
"I needed someone to bail- Oof," Draco was interrupted by an elbow to the ribs from Granger, who obviously didn't think it was a good idea to tell her parents and grandmother the real reason to visit. "I was in the neighbourhood," he amended, glancing at Granger to make sure that wasn't going to make her elbow him again.
"Well, you're welcome to stay," her mother told him politely, elbowing her husband to stop him from glaring. Draco glanced down at Granger, she was starting to make more sense now that he'd met her family, they were just as crazy as she was.
"More than welcome," her grandmother added, looking him up and down with a predatory look. He stepped closer to Hermione, attempting to hide behind her as she watched with amusement.
Draco reached for the dish on the mantle that he had seen Granger hand to Potter for the floo powder, but she slapped his hand away. "Grandma doesn't know I'm a witch!" she hissed to him.
"How am I supposed to get home then?" He demanded, also in a hiss.
"You're going to have to stay until she goes to bed or something." Draco cringed; spending day with muggles after a night in jail with Potter – joy. He was going to have to steal candy from a small child to make up for all the time he was spending with Gryffindors; next he was going to go soft and save a kitten from a tree or something else stupid and potentially dangerous.
