The next few days were some of the worst days I had ever had. Whenever there wasn't a nurse near me, I spent the time crying and moaning at the pain I felt in my heart. They brought me broth to eat and tried to pretend they didn't notice the puffiness around my eyes or the sounds of my sobbing that I knew they heard.
As I lay with my head buried in one of the feather pillows, I started thinking about the dogs I had treated who were dying. They didn't move and wouldn't take medication, even after I wrapped it in a treat. I looked sideways at a fresh bowl of broth on the bed stand beside me. There was probably medicine in it.
Animals have feelings and emotions, but I wondered if those dogs felt the futility that I currently felt. As if eating the pill would only draw out the process. Steam rose off of the bowl of broth and I wrinkled my nose at it, feeling my mouth go dry and my throat close up if I thought about eating it.
I went back to ignoring it and retreated into my grief. I tried to remember the last time I got to kiss Gabe on the lips, only for my body to wrack with sobs when I realized I didn't remember what kissing him felt like.
The curtain swung open next to me and I tried to wipe my face, but Arwen wasn't dumb. She grabbed my hand and knelt beside me, her eyes boring into mine with such sadness. I sniffed and looked away guiltily.
"Oh, my dear," she said, reaching out to stroke my matted hair. "If you keep this up, you're going to undo the hard work we've done."
"I'm alright with that," I croaked. Arwen cringed, and I felt bad for saying that to her but I knew that after I died she would forget about the dumb girl they found in the woods.
"No one is expendable," she said suddenly, as if reading my thoughts. "You are an important person and I know that you're here for a reason."
"How would you know that?" I whispered, feeling the blackness hanging over me. I wished it were all over.
"Everything happens for a reason," she replied. Arwen pulled a handkerchief out of her sleeve and dabbed at my face. I looked at the floor.
I remained still as she pulled up a chair and began to tell me a story. I was only half listening and sometimes I would go in and out of sleep. I honestly don't remember what the story was even about. Every once in a while she would make me eat a spoonful of the now cold broth. When her story was over, I expected her to leave, but instead she kept talking. Her voice was soft and soothing.
After that, each time I woke up there was someone at my bedside. Most of the time it was Arwen, but sometimes it was some other 'elleth' or female elf. They talked to me and got me to eat by saying that they would stop talking if I didn't. For some reason that worked, maybe due to the thought that if I was left alone with myself I would start crying again.
I didn't notice the progress I was making. My dreams weren't dark anymore and during the day, I was able to eat without being coerced. They brought me books to read and scrap paper to draw on. I sketched Gabe's face and showed it to Arwen, who agreed he was a very handsome man. It was slow, but I was getting stronger.
About four weeks into my hospital stay, I awoke to see Arwen by my side with a big smile on her face.
"What's got you so happy?" I asked with a smile and sat up.
"I've got a fun day planned for you," she beamed and fluffed my pillow. "Now in order to do that, you've got to finish your breakfast this morning."
I looked at the plate by my bed, weighed down with thick slices of wheat toast with strawberry jam and a small bunch of grapes. I looked at the plate like it was a challenge and took a big bite of toast and jam, finding that it turned into less of a chore with the more I ate. Arwen smiled widely at me.
"Do you know how much you've improved in your time being here?" she asked.
'Only because of you,' I thought to myself and took another bite of toast. When the plate was empty, she pulled my sheets back and I saw my legs. I had seen them when healers had given me sponge baths, but I still wasn't used to the sight of them. They were smooth and without any of the transparency or sickliness the last pair had.
Arwen grabbed my hand and looked at me, suddenly serious. "Today, you are going to walk."
I nodded, unable to speak. I used my arms to turn towards the side of the bed and she held out her hands, which I grabbed for support. I shuddered with nerves. This was going to be a difficult journey.
I placed one bare foot on the cold marble ground, then the other. I leaned on the edge of my bed and tried flexing the muscles in my body from the ground-up. I wiggled my toes, flexed the muscles in my feet and traveled up my legs to the waist, making sure everything was connected.
"Very good," Arwen said softly and waited for me to take my first step. I did, and my weight immediately made my legs buckle but she caught me and replaced me back to where I was.
"Try again. And this time, keep your eyes closed," she advised and I did as she said. I couldn't help but think of how I used to take my walking for granted, as well as the rest of my functioning body. I never realized how fortunate I was to move and be independent until it was all taken away.
I gripped Arwen's hands and gulped, fighting for awareness of my body. I went through and flexed everything as I did before, trying to remember myself.
Heel first. A voice whispered in the back of my mind.
I involuntarily took a breath in and shuddered. What the hell was talking to me? It made no reply, so I shrugged it off. I took a breath and put my heel on the floor and rolled through the motion, placing my next heel on the floor. Arwen moved with me, leading me while my movements became quicker and more fluid. Eventually she tore her hands away and I staggered, but recovered and walked on my own.
I opened my eyes. "Do you think I've got it?"
The question seemed unnecessary when I saw her absolutely beaming and she joyfully clapped her hands together.
"You've done so well!" She laughed, grinning from ear to ear. "This is wonderful!"
Her happiness made me grin. "I'm glad I'll be able to walk around then, even if it is a little wobbly."
Arwen smiled. "Admittedly, you do look a little like a baby deer… But that will leave with more practice."
I nodded, looking down at the legs I was now using. It was a start and I was more than willing to make do with it. Arwen led me quietly out of the room, and from the way she paused to look around corners I suddenly realized she was sneaking me out of the hospital. I remained quiet as she led me through the winding halls until she finally opened a door that opened to the outside.
"Oh my God," I gasped and fell to my knees.
The breath exited my lungs as I gazed on the world I was now a part of. It was more colorful than any ecosystem I had ever seen; the trees large and green, the grass soft, the flowers vibrant colors, and bright birds flicking through the trees.
Arwen grabbed my arm and helped me to my feet. "I thought you were in there long enough and that it was time for you to meet the world."
I nodded, suddenly realizing that tears were running down my face. Embarrassed, I wiped them away. Arwen smiled and squeezed my shoulder, taking my hand in hers and leading me down to a small path way through the woods. I didn't care that my feet were bare as I stepped over roots and blades of grass tickled my toes.
Arwen and I walked along the path the whole morning as she gave me a hushed, out-of-the-way tour of Imladris. The settlement was comprised of small buildings that surrounded a large, grand center building. The city lived in harmony with the world it was nestled into, as plants and animals seemed to overrun the place.
"Those are the stables," Arwen said, pointing out a long building with a thatched roof. "Would you like to meet my horse?"
I nodded and she walked me through the front door. The stable smelled like clean straw and oatmeal, and contained a large amount of tall, sturdy horses. When Arwen opened the gate to a stall containing a brown horse with a white star on its head, I knew I was meeting a very imposing force. His deep brown eyes held me back as he looked me up and down, stamping his feet nervously. Arwen gently stroked his main and whispered to him, causing him to settle.
"What's his name?" I asked, holding my hand out for him to smell. He gingerly sniffed at my hand and then at my hospital gown before he stuck his nose in the palm of my hand. I was accepted.
"His name is Rhawon," she replied, her brow furrowing as I stroked his forehead. "You are very good with him. He doesn't usually allow strangers to touch him."
"I used to take care of animals," I responded, moving on to stroke Rhawon's long neck. "That's what my job used to be. I was a doctor for them."
Arwen nodded but said nothing, and I could almost hear the thoughts whirring through her head. After a few more minutes she kissed Rhawon's nose good-bye and I gave him a final pet before we left to continue our walk. Arwen paused in a small garden outside of the main house and turned to me.
"Wait here," she whispered urgently and slipped in through a side door. I kneeled down to the ground, hoping she was quiet. I didn't want to be caught outside in nothing but a hospital gown. Luckily for us both, she returned with a basket in a few short minutes and we continued walking until the path took us to a small pool at the bottom of a long water fall.
Arwen sat down and took the cloth off the basket, revealing a lunch of rolls, cheese, and raspberries. Included were a bottle of wine and two ceramic cups.
"Technically, you shouldn't have wine but I feel as if we could both use some," she said with a guilty smile and handed me a glass. I took a sip of it and savored the sweet taste; yes, I've needed a good glass of wine.
We munched on rolls and cheese while Arwen talked a little more about the elfin settlement. I learned that they were a society of vegetarians, which was something I had noticed due to the lack of meat I had been given during my stay. Arwen explained the role her people had in protecting the forest and its inhabitants.
"This place is very zen," I commented, popping a raspberry in my mouth.
"Zen?" Arwen repeated, confused.
"It's very... harmonious," I explained. "It fits in perfectly with the world around it. A lot of people where I am from would kill to be in a place like this."
"But not you?" she asked, staring at me.
I didn't reply immediately, but took another sip of wine. "If Gabe was here, I wouldn't have believed you when you said this place wasn't heaven. But since he's gone… every world isn't enough."
Neither of us said anything for a while, preferring to sip our wine in silence. We finished our lunch and walked back to the main house, where Arwen left the basket and the empty bottle of wine.
"This is the main house, where my family and I live," she explained. "The Fire Room is also there, as is the dining hall. It is where you will be staying when you are released from the hospital."
I looked up at her, surprised. "You mean I get to live here?"
Arwen blinked at me, then smiled. "Of course, it is completely up to you where you go, but my father and I have made accommodations for you should you choose to stay."
I looked back out to the splendor of Imladris. "This is the most beautiful place I have ever laid my eyes on."
"Even if it's not enough?" Arwen asked with a small smile.
I smiled back and nodded. "It's a gorgeous place. I am sure I will be fine here."
Arwen gazed out over the landscape as well. "You may find love again."
"Probably not," I said and shook my head. Gabe was the love of my life and no man could ever replace him.
I looked out over the horizon again, wondering where this world was going to take me. It was a strange feeling that came over me suddenly; the feeling of absolute liberty. I had no family, no good friends, and no job to keep me in any place. On one hand, it was uplifting to think I had never been freer to do as I pleased in my life.
On the other hand, I realized I was the loneliest I would ever be as well.
