Hi there!
I haven't forgotten about this story, don't worry guys, I'm just juggling between this one and my other Vauseman AU, although I don't have many chapters left for this story, maybe one or two more.
Anyway, you guys remember the scene where Alex tucked Piper in bed before leaving and going to the bubble? Yes, that heart wrecking scene that was so painful but so damn beautiful all at once. Ever since I watched it I've had the "what if Piper found out about that" question, and I have the feeling that if she would have found out what Alex was about to do, she would have been beyond livid. I was curious about how such scene could have gone, and so I came up with this. I guess it could fit after the group discussion in the cafeteria, but before the sex scene in the laundry :)
Ps. I noticed someone has left spoilers about season 5 in the comments, I have stopped reading once I realized it was an actual spoiler, just in time I think, but please, can you be more careful and not mention anything about it? I repeated it over and over again to not leave spoilers. I have only just started watching the new season and I'm just a couple of episodes in so far.
Enjoy
It comes out, eventually.
She doesn't remember how the conversation had started exactly.
How discussing soups and laughing and stealing glances at each other could have lead to this.
It's hard to remember anything with the dense red fog clouding her mind right now.
All she knows is that at some point, when the conversation had steered towards the previous night, something had unexpectedly slipped from Alex, something that was supposed to remain private, secret, something that was never meant to come out. At least that's what transpires from the look that has shaped her features when the words have tumbled from her lips, and from there, everything has turned into a full-blown fight.
"How could you even think about doing that?!"
Actually, "fight" is not an appropriate word considering that she is the only one doing most of the ranting while Alex, on her part, is calm. Unbelievably, irritatingly calm given the severity of what the confession that has slipped from her has started. Which only feeds her anger, making her more furious that she thought she would ever be.
Although, not even furious is enough to cover it anymore either. It's more like as if the confusion and shock that had hit first of all, and then the cold, chilling stab of fear that has followed accompanied by a rush of boiling scorching anger, have all collided together and formed this tight spring coil that has settled right in that space between her stomach and chest, tangled and pulling at the strings of her heart, threatening to tear it asunder.
She feels like she might actually throw up.
"How could you?!" The words resonate all around the empty chapel and not for the first time since all of this started, the thought of how ironic it is that Alex happened to have made such an unexpected confession right here of all places, flits between her erratic thoughts and even more turbulent, swelling, raging emotions.
She is unable to keep that feeling of betrayal that she felt rising from some hidden depth inside of her from slipping into the question, corroding through what she felt they had gained back during these past couple weeks like acid, eating away that thin fragile layer of reconciliation and leaving her so raw and sensitive that she could scream from it.
And she does, directing that shout at Alex, or at least as much of a shout as she can manage without drawing attention.
"What the hell were you thinking?!"
"Piper-"
"No!" Another shout, because she doesn't want to hear it. She doesn't want to hear some "listen, let me explain" kind of bullshit excuse that she knows Alex was about to give her.
"You were willing to leave just like that? Without a word? Nothing? Did you think about me at all?"
She hates it. She really does, when once more she inevitably make this about herself, unable to not bring up how, what Alex was about to do, would have inevitably affected her.
But how dare she?
How dares Alex even think about abandoning her like that.
But at least, the string of questions is enough to snap Alex into responding just as fiercely.
"You were all I could think about!"
The shout matches her own previous ones, and it startles her a bit, too. But nothing shakes her to her shredded core like the tears that have suddenly, instantly welled up into those blazing emerald pools with that searing admission.
The firm sincerity in that look, the blast of those words.
It makes Piper even more livid.
"How dare you!"
She pushes her.
But Alex, as strong and solid and unyielding as she is, even with the full force of her body behind that harsh push, barely stumbles a step backward, catching her wrists before she can start knocking her fists against her chest.
"I'm sorry, Piper."
She isn't.
Alex tucked her into bed and left because she knew, that if she woke her up to say something she would have never, ever allowed her to do it. Not as long as air filled her lungs and blood pumped in her veins.
Somehow she manages to slip her hands free from Alex's grasp.
"Sorry doesn't cut it, Alex. Especially if you aren't."
And she hates how Alex doesn't even try to deny that. Her expression so vulnerably open that it hurts just a thousand times worst.
"You are right." She admits, shrugging uselessly. Utterly defenseless. "I'm not."
And it's all just another testament of how much her character has frayed.
But the truth is that she actually envies Alex right now.
Because Alex is past the crying, past the panicking, past the fear, while she is just rendered a mess by this new, unexpected, accidental revelation.
Somehow, Alex has managed to put herself back together, is still trying to. A few pieces don't fit her like they did before, the edges have smoothed out a bit and some parts of her have been scraped so thin that Piper can see the glimpse of the hidden secret fragility that lies beneath through that transparent barrier.
The core under all of it is intact, but that morality, the one that the Alex had pretended to not have, to not listen to when she was younger and dealt drugs and didn't care for the possible consequences, who thought was so in control, have started to shine through. And, probably, that's what made her want to confess last night. What has been driving her insane. Her conscience. And why guilt has done of her its own punching bag.
The defeat, the resignation in her voice when she utters those words, is probably what cuts Piper deeper than anything else.
But there is one thing that she wants to know at this point.
One more question.
The one that has been the core that has triggered all the other ones she has asked till now, and the one that leaves her lips like a cracked, shuddering breathed whisper.
"Why?"
She is barely aware of the tears spilling down her cheeks at this point. Anger and fear have formed that something new and dangerous that has swelled inside her chest and is now in her throat, tightening further with every second Alex remains silent, choking her from the inside. Her heart slamming against her ribcage like a conscious wild being seeking for a way out.
The last thing she expects to see is Alex's lips twitching up into a smile.
A smile so similar to the one that she used to give when she was partially entertained, amused, and at the same time found something kind of endearing. But this is such a much sadder, broken variation that it twists whatever memory Piper had of its original shape.
And it is with that same smile that Alex reaches out and, so gently, with such an infuriating tenderness, brushes a strand of golden hair that had fallen out from her ponytail during her animated rant.
A whispered, very recent memory remains trapped just below the subconscious part of Piper at the gesture, and she just wants to pull away, to push Alex away, to get her angry, to fight her and pull out the remnants of the anger that she can still feel clinging at her insides. Poisoning her.
But she does nothing.
In fact, she may even lean - ever so slightly - against that impossibly tender touch when it lingers in that familiar caress on the shell of her ear before she lets her hand falls down.
"Remember what you told me back in Chicago when we were going to the courthouse?"
Piper does remember.
And she tries, she really does not to think about how technically what happened in Chicago is exactly what brought to all this. That finical part of her wants to bring it up, but the rest of her knows that there is no use now. That it is way too late to question all the "what ifs".
"No." She shakes her head and grits her teeth. "No, don't you dare giving me that excuse now."
Alex breathes out in muted exasperation as if she expected nothing else but that exact denial.
It's not predictability. It's just that Alex knows her, but that doesn't stop her from saying what she needs to.
"Doing the right thing, the need to do the right thing is not something that applies here, Alex. Not when you already did the right thing."
The way Alex straightens up, clenches her jaw and hardens her gaze does not add the weight that she tries so hard to put when she simply says, "I killed someone. How can you even say something like that, Piper?"
The answer is easy.
It's always been there.
A part of herself.
"Because I know you."
And just like that, the fierceness is back in her voice, pushing past the storm of emotions in her chest, the tightness in her throat, and falling from her lips with all her honesty.
Unwavering.
"And you are good, Alex."
She swears that she sees Alex flinch at that word, startled by the easy, pure sincerity with which it slips out.
Good. Alex doesn't feel worthy of that word. But Piper insists, and repeats it, taking a step forward, reducing the gap keeping them apart. "You are good. And what you did, was self-defense. It was necessary."
There is no trace of doubt there. There's never been.
And she would be willing to repeat it to Alex every day if she has to make the meaning seep into her stubbornly dense, self-tortured self.
The light in the chapel has changed since they first came in here.
The sun rays seeping through the stained-glass window provides that much warmer glow.
One hits squarely the side of Alex's face, caressing her alabaster skin with a soft orange. And in any other time, in any other circumstance, Piper would probably relish at the sight, because Alex does look beautiful with that radiant half halo on the side of her face, but all she can see now is the hurt that lies into those green eyes, floating over the fresh tears that are welling up there and that Alex refuses to let fall when she speaks.
"Then why do I feel like there is something eating me up from the inside out?"
The knowledge was always there, the sight of it plain, but hearing that question out loud, hear the way that deep voice that has carried nothing if all the shades of the same confidence and strength that Alex has always embodied, is now strained, and cracks with pain... is simply devastating.
Piper barely resists the urge to step forward and pull Alex into her arms, swallowing and blinking away the blurriness from her own eyes before answering.
"Turning yourself in wouldn't have taken away the guilt. And it wouldn't have made you feel any better."
She believes it. But at the same time it's also very convenient, she thinks, that she has that answer ready to cover up for her own selfishness; her own reason why she doesn't think she would have been able to endure, here, without Alex by her side.
And Alex, ever the observant one, surely notices the glimmer of that other unsaid truth peeking guiltily beneath that compelling reason, but it isn't enough to divert her attention right now from making her own argument.
"It would have spared all the people that have helped me from being treated like suspects, or..." Green eyes look away, distant, and she has to try a few times to swallow past the thick lump of guilt stuck in her throat at the thought of her friend, before concluding, barely above a whisper. "Or being dragged away."
They have discussed this, right this morning
"Are you sure about that?" Piper asks, skeptical, because a part of her knows that Alex can't truly believe that. "Piscatella seems to have a personal vendetta against Red, and can you be sure that Lolly wouldn't have said something eventually that would have brought her down anyway?"
Alex really can't.
She can't be sure of that.
But she still wishes that she had an answer, something, anything that could tear down Piper's more than valid justifications. Instead, she leans against them with that guilty comfort that, paradoxically enough, feels just wrong.
At last, she ducks her head, running a hand through her dark mane that shines auburn against the sunlight filtering in, looking drained from anything else except defeat and frustration, and it is only then that Piper feels confident enough to approach her, taking those last couple of steps that were keeping them apart. A distance that she put to not be tempted to push Alex away again, get truly physical and instigate that fight that wasn't just one-sided.
But now... Now the clouds of the storm rolling inside her chest have lost some of their density, turning into a cooling, slowly settling mist.
Even her heart is no longer beating with rage, although it keeps aching at the sight of the broken woman in front of her. The majestic, proud, fierce, passionate, confident creature that she has always admired in awe.
This time Piper doesn't hesitate to reach out, gripping the hem of her shirt and tug Alex closer to her, but whatever lingering doubt about the touch possibly not being welcomed is taken away when Alex allows herself to be held. She feels a bit stiff against her at first, self-conscious maybe, but eventually, she melts, breathing out and slumping a bit under the comfort of the hands running slowly up and down her back.
"I meant what I said this morning, Al."
Alex pulls back just enough to meet her blue eyes, blinking as she recalls their conversation in her bed.
"I do need you. And not just to survive in here and don't go insane with loneliness."
She just... needs her, in a way words refuse to come to her right now. More than the air that refuses to fill her lungs at the thought of what could have happened if Alex had confessed. More than the rush of blood being pumped in her veins.
"You looked ready to bite my head off two minutes ago." Alex reminds her, words quiet and slightly drawled.
"Don't believe that I won't do it for real if you even ever just think about turning yourself in again."
She is deadly serious, but Alex surprisingly - or maybe totally unsurprisingly - just smiles, totally unaffected by that threat, lifting her hand and running the pad of her thumb along the line of her jaw, fingers just barely caressing the back of her neck.
"I forgot how adorably cute you get when you are angry," She says. "Like a grumpy, self-righteous puppy barking to get attention."
It's such an unexpected, odd choice of comparison that Piper's expression breaks in between the indignation and embarrassment that instantly flares in her chest, rising up her neck and tinging her cheeks red, eyes wide and mouth hanging open, mentally stuttering for a biting come back but physically stuck, and left utterly speechless.
She wants to pull away, but Alex is still smiling at her. Even more fully and brightly. It reaches her eyes and makes them shine like gems with that familiar glint of amusement that sparkles all the brighter in front of her embarrassment.
She looks on the verge of bursting out with laughter, but honestly, it is worth swallowing down some of her wounded pride to see that smile and that refound amusement on Alex's face.
So she just grumpily mutters some half-hearted insults under her breath and quietly relishes at the sweet sound of Alex's quiet chuckle, letting it washing over her like a balm that soothes the cracks that have opened and left her insides chafed during her earlier fight, and patches up some of the thicker fissures that had bled with betrayal.
It's welcoming, and for a few comfortable moments of silence she bask in it, but then, with the feeling of Alex in her arms, inevitably, the realization that she might have ended up unable to enjoy such a simple moment with her if someone hadn't already made a name last night before she left, surfaces once more, with a vengeance.
"Piper?"
And Alex feels it too. In the way she shudders and stiffens and fights with all her might against the dark thoughts threatening to drag her down that dark, cold, lonely route filled with sharp thorns ready to cut her open all over again.
She pulls back, just enough to look into emerald eyes that have turned a shade softer with concern.
"Please..." Piper begs, and this time it is her voice the one that cracks with emotion.
"Please, don't leave me."
She knows that she has no right.
Not after having done the exact opposite with her one too many times, and on top of that, she hates how weak and pitiful that plea comes out despite the strength that somehow manages to push past the hypocrisy and old stinging guilt piercing through her voice.
Alex doesn't answer.
Doesn't even stiffen at hearing that.
Almost as if she expected it.
Almost as if, after all that happened in the past minutes, she already felt it coming.
She just rests her forehead against hers, exhaling a silent breath through her nose. It brushes against Piper's cheek, sweetly tickling. And it is only then, when she tilts her head up that tiny bit and feel the tip of her nose brushing against the side of Alex's that she fully acknowledges how close they are.
It's undoubtedly the closest that they have been in weeks, if not even months.
So close that they're breathing in each other's air. It leaves her body buzzing like it has always done when Alex was anywhere so close to her.
It's like a magnetic pull. So overwhelming that she can't resist it. She has never been able to.
Not even years spent apart have affected it.
She can just surrender to it.
Leaning in, bravely, although tentatively, and just barely brushing her lips against the corner of the mouth that she has longed to feel pressed against hers for so long.
But she doesn't go further than that.
It's been hard getting reacquainted with looks, touches, not knowing when and if they were welcomed at first... It has been hard not to reach out for Alex, to resist to that pull, and it has been somehow awkward the first time she felt brave enough to slip her hand into hers, dreading to be pushed away all over again despite the slowly healing trust and new found balance.
But there is no awkwardness when Alex closes that insignificant gap left and their lips meet.
Reassuring and firm. Soft and warm. And so, so familiar that it aches.
And in the instant they deepen it accordingly for more, in the moment the air is stolen from her lungs and her heart trips over a skipped beat, Piper feels like the Universe, after stumbling, has found its footing again.
Aligned back in place.
It's difficult not to imagine Piper's selfishness shine through in such circumstance, or the need to rant, punch and kick before the need to seek comfort would have surfaced after discovering what Alex was about to do. At least this is my own interpretation :) It came out slightly less angsty and maybe a bit more tender... Also, I hate to repeat myself all over again especially since most of you got the message, but please, no spoilers about the new season guys.
