A/N: This one's shorter, and last time I only meant the crack chapters were rushed because I might have been on the computer for a while and my mother was one step from pressing the button and making me dust (scary). Or something of the sort. Thank you, reviewers, alerters, and favoriters. Yes, I am perfectly aware that those last two are not words.

Disclaimer: (M looks away from the computer screen, sees that she's in a shadowy basement, and does the 'WTF?' face of horror while falling back on her chair)

M: "Uh … hello? Anybody? Where am I? Where is this …"

N: "Hi, M. Sorry about this. You said you wanted to be in the disclaimer, remember? Sorry, didn't have much time to fix up the place. I was too busy writing the chapter."

Ryuk: "Hyuk, hyuk!" (looms over N's side, apple in hand as he gestures wildly) "You could have made this an apple orchard or a paradise – no, wait, those are the same thing – or a palace or Funland or something. But no – you really go in for the interrogation-type feel, don't you? I still say you should have used that one with Ohba on a chair that you wrote for that one AU fic that you're still not finishing. Talk about a waste!"

N: "Shut up, Ryuk. I'm far too lazy to do that, and besides, it doesn't involve you. And I simply can't store you in the cellar anymore. It used to be floor-to-wall with apples, and now I can't find so much as a solitary core unless I ook in your gullet! Did you know apple seeds contain traces of cyanide, by the way? The stuff they use in poison capsules?"

Ryuk: "Haha, my favorite food can poison humans. Come on, change the setting. You know you want to!"

(N sighs, looking around at her cowering friend and the dismal place)

N: "Fine. M, where should we take Ryuk in the magical realm of disclaimer-land?"

M: (taps fingers to side of face) "Hmm. Where do you want to go, Ryuk? I've decided that I'm dreaming anyway. (Pajamas magically appear on her, soccer tee and shors) "That's cool. Maybe I should be, um, about to go on a super-secret spy mission instead?" (Black, seamless spy clothes reform out of the pajamas) "Awesome!"

Ryuk: "Yeah, yeah, enough with the clothes. Shinigami can't change anyway. Where do they have a lot of apples?"

N: "In … Tartarus. They have a lot of apples in Tartarus. Come on, let's go pay them a visit."

M: "Um, N …"

N: "Away we go!" (Whirls off to Tartarus, comes to rest on a hill overlooking the Fields of Punishment, the sky is red and smouldering with Hades' surpressed malcontent) "Okay, this is majorly cool. People should do more things with their disclaimers, seriously."

Ryuk: "Aw, come on, where are my apples!"

N: (Points over the hill to a lake with fruit trees hanging low over the water and a guy who looks like he's trying to see who can win the Olympic aerobics energy wasters award) "They're over there. Go knock yourself out."

(N and M sit down on the hill and watch in companionable silence for a few minutes as Ryuk tries frantically to jump and grab an apple, the apples somehow always eluding him while the figure in the pool cursed in Ancient Greek and waved his fist at the downpour of leaves and twigs)

N: "M?"

M: "Yeah?"

N: " I think we forgot to have you say the disclaimer."

M: "Oops! Sorry, N doesn't own Death Note or any part of it!"

N: "Sorry I've wasted so much of your time. I hope m had fun on her trip to Tartarus, and that the rest of you derived a voyeuristic pleasure from the experience. The legend of Tantalus is at the end, in case some of you don't understand the significance of the pool."

M: "Yay! Time to read the chapter!"

--

Soichiro had finally been restrained and brought back to the task force, after one attempt to release Misa (successful), one attempt to kill the stand-ins sent to catch Matsuda (only failed because L explained he had hired them for this purpose), one attempt to kill Matsuda (failed), and three attempts to throw him bodily from the task force office (two failed … Matsuda now nursed a broken arm, and was lucky for the ministrations of Watari.) Now, as he was finally calming down and L and Light had turned back to their computers, a call from Watari came through. "Soichiro-san, a call from your wife has come through. May I project to speaker?"

"Of course," Soichiro said, his father-sense tingling. "Hello? Sachiko? Is something wrong?"

"Oh, Soichiro," the voice came through the speakers, a frantic half-gasp of static sound. "I found this article in the paper today …"

Everyone in the room, including Matsuda, who had sheepishly insisted that he didn't need time to nurse his most likely earned wounds, listened on in a growingly horrified silence as Light's mother babbled on about how she had seen Light's picture, their son's very own picture, handcuffed to another older, perverted and disreputable-looking man coming out of a sweetshop and getting picked up by a suspicious car! Soichiro, who L had previously believed could only sustain one explosion of anger per day, began to ominously swell again and L wondered whether he or light would be first on the chopping block. Ah, well … at least Yagami-san wouldn't be able to see exactly what was written in the article ….

"Thank you, honey. I understand." There were a few seconds of silence after the connection was switched off.

"I've got the article right here, Chief," Aizawa said hurriedly, coming up with a copy of the paper and trying hard to conceal his maniacal grin. "Your wife's right. Here. Take a look."

Soichiro rapidly scanned the article's paper, face going from red to bruised-plum purple to normal, which scared Light a whole lot more. Once his father got normal … that meant he wasn't angry anymore. That meant he was just disappointed. And he was only disappointed once … once he had decided on an appropriate punishment.

Soichiro looked up from the paper, face grave. "When I allowed my son to be handcuffed to you, I was placing trust in you, Ryuzaki. You were not supposed to make him look gay. You were not supposed to sully his perfect image. You were most certainly not supposed to get him dangerously talked about in the news headlines!"

L blinked. "I apologize, Yagami-san."

Light, realizing that L wasn't going to help him self, haltingly rushed in, "Um, D-Dad, it was my idea … I just couldn't take being cooped inside anymore. Really, it's my fault."

This started Soichiro on the rage-building spiral that the therapist Sachiko had made him visit had warned him against. His face started to redden as he said, "That's what you're supposed to do, Light! If you hadn't been handcuffed to Ryuzaki this wouldn't have been a problem! He just simply isn't appropriate for anyone to be constantly around, let alone a son of mine! This sort of behavior is intolerable, and I shouldn't have put up with it in the first place!"

"Misa agrees!" Misa, who had picked the digital lock on her door with a stray credit card and three of her extension nails in the shades, Rasberry Riveted, Blossoming Blueberry, and Peach Pink – who knew different sizes could be used as specialized types of lockpicks? – chimed in, standing defiantly away from Matsuda at the back of the little crowd. L glanced at her for a moment, mildly alarmed – he'd have to check the security cameras later. Light, who had his life-saving priorities in mind, didn't take his eyes away from his father. Confront the wild boar first and the tree ape second, though he doubted Misa could climb as well as one. Or … well, if he was naked at the top of a tree or something …. Light shuddered and quickly shrunk away from that image.

"I fail to see what you are going to do about it, Yagami-san," L said calmly, nibbling a bit on his thumb and wishing that Light's mother had called after Watari had had a chance to bring him some decent sweets. "Letting someone who could potentially be Kira again out of confinement is not even worth contemplation, and it would be heartless to lock Light-kun away again. I am the only one I trust enough to watch him, and so, the situation stands. What does Yagami-san propose?"

"You are going to have to be a more fitting role model," Soichiro declared, well and thoroughly incensed by the great L at this point. "You have no respect for hygiene, have constantly searched for ways to observe my son in compromising situations, don't believe in proper breaks from work and have a diet that consists solely of nonhealthy, nonutritious sugary things. Clearly you are a bad influence on my son." He paused to see if this speech had any affect, which it clearly didn't.

L stared unblinkingly at him with his sable-colored eyes as he merely commented, "My purpose in this is not to be a role-model for Light-kun, or even a friend. I am his jailor. The conditions need not be exactly to anyone by mine's specifications."

"Nevertheless, you will meet my conditions or I will forcibly take Light from you," Soichiro said, towering over L. "You will wear normal clothes and not slouch when you go out in public. You will not act either like a pedophile, a pervert, or someone mentally deficit. While here, you will let Light off the chain for showers, bathroom visits – you may wait outside if you please – and will make sure that Watari shops for him as well. And, once a week, you will go out on a public date with Misa. Am I clear?"

"Dad, it's really not necessary –" Light began, but was cut off.

"I say it's necessary. And should you fail to meet these conditions, the task force and I will withdraw our support due to your inappropriate conduct. Now, I said, AM I CLEAR?"

L blinked owlishly, looking as unfazed a if they had been discussing brands of cheesecake. Actually, he probably would have got more fazed about the cheesecake. "Certainly, Yagami-san. I would not wish to interfere with Light-kun's social life or his relationships involving Amane Misa."

Light ground his teeth together. Stupid bastard. He probably was just doing this to get Light to make her reveal some information, or possibly both of them. How could L make everything work to his advantage like this?

"Good," Soichiro grumbled, turning as he sighed. " I need to go call Sachiko now and reassure her that I've taken care of it. Don't think this means I won't devise a fitting punishment for you later, Matsuda."

"Aw, darn," Matsuda said. Behind him, Aizawa smirked. That had worked out better than he had planned.

--

Near, after checking his computer alerts once and the deadbolt and soundproofing on his door and walls twice – he always made sure of this, after the Mello incident, reached for the hidden pocket under the floor beneath the bed and opened it. He drew the plushies out, the precious plushies he'd made in his room late at night with material stolen from the arts and crafts wing, a plushie of Mello and Matt and L and Kira, who was a black gumdrop with sparkly red sequins for eyes and a pin heart button fastening his Evil Cloak, as well as his yellow star-tipped Wand of Doom that could kill people if he waved it three times over their picture and said, "(Insert name here) deserves to die." three times. His new L after the Kira case had come about, was also dressed up rather differently … he wore white robes and had a sparkly halo/laurel wreath attached tenuously to his spiky mess of black hair, as well as a little hammer sewed on to his right hand with a quarter on the end of it so that the podium would make a little plinking sound as he roared in L's tiny voice, "I am justice! Kira will be punished! I am justice!"

Thus, the soundproofing.

Tonight, on the night before they left on the 19-hour light to Japan – Near's first with Matt and Mello and no adult supervision, which he was feeling slightly queasy about – he had decided to enact a very special drama. He had even made a new doll for the occasion, skipping lunch partly for that and partly so he wouldn't have to watch Mello call him a stick who should eat some roper food instead of that "healthy shit!" Near could insult him on his use of words anyone with a decent vocabulary should be able to avoid, as he often and successfully did, but fending off Mello was tiring. He much preferred to find a quiet corner or be in his room somewhere, playing with his toys or making a new doll. And today's doll …

Well, it was rather like the Kira one in principle, since he had no idea what either of them actually looked like. Half of it was a sparkly pink ice cream fairy that was beautiful enough to get L to chain it to him, and the other half was dark and awful and looked just like Kira … Near had made sure to attach his new heart-eyed L doll to the sparkly side. And he had very special plans for them, oh yes he did …

"Hi, Near, Mello, Matt!" the L doll squeaked, nodding them in and bowing in a floppy fashion, causing the Kira/fairy/Light doll to topple over. The L doll looked down in mock concern, dark pink button eyes sparkling. "OH no, I'm so sorry! Here, let me come kiss it better!" His mouth – Near had given him one that opened, for L to eat paper sweets – flopped onto the other doll's kissing the pink wide of him all up.

The Mello doll squeaked and said, "Hey, L, what are you doing? You can't just molest him in front of us!"

"Oh?" the L doll looked up. He looked down again. "You're right," he said, "my companion looks unharmed. Perhaps to make it up to you I can unchain him and we can all go back to my bedroom to kiss your boo-boos?"

"Yay!" the Mello doll squealed, as the Matt doll pulled scissors from out of thin-air and cut the silver ribbon connecting the two dolls. "C;mon, Matt! Near! Let's do four-way!"

--

Outside the door Mello gave it another few bangs, shouting, "Hey! Near! Open the fucking door so we can talk about L and his new boytoy!" He gave up after a few more bangs, looking enquiringly at Matt who gave him a shrug in response.

"I don't know. Maybe he's listening to music or something? Sleeping? Playing with toys? Near can be kinda lost in his own world sometimes."

"Sleeping?" Mello snorted. "No one sleeps through my voice. I bet he's jacking off or something. C'mon, let's go. We can talk to him later."

Matt snickered. "There's no way Near would do something like that. I swear, I'm supposed to be the expert on ink but sometimes you surpass even me, Mello. What do you do, visit my porn collection when I'm gaming?"

"You just have to look at it from both sides of the equation, Matt," Mello said knowingly as they turned the corner. "Though personally I can't see what's so great about a gender that seems to have idiocy ingrained on their very genes – wait. What do you mean, your porn collection?"

"Forget I said anything," Matt squeaked, backing away with his ands outstretched and eye protecting goggles in place as always. "Really …"

King Mello does not let his subjects look at any other form than that of his own beautiful image. The punishment is severe.

Poor Matt. Or, more accurately, poor Matt's left eye, poor Matt's right side, poor Matt's leg, poor Matt's DS, poor Matt all of his 73 games within Mello's psychotic rampaging reach.

--

L sighed, laying back in his bed after a long day full of nothing but domestic trouble and his plans not having the 100% percent success he demanded of them, especially one as simple as this. He glanced over at light, who by now was peacefully asleep. How had the boy managed to inadvertently cause so much trouble today? Really, the handcuffs might not have been the best idea, but Kira could never have suspected something so drastic. So why did he feel like he'd just gift-wrapped himself and have Watari place the labeled box on Kira's doorstep …

"Um …." Light muttered. "I know we're the future heirs of our kingdom, L. But we can't keep meeting in the garden like this – my father will find out, and our countries will be driven to war. No – don't do that, L – uhhh – what if someone sees? That one failure of a knight, Matsuda, caught us last week … agh, L, don't do that!" His body twisted beneath the sheet, causing his bare arm to end up next to L's chest. "L … you know eventually we'll be expected to have heirs ... no, stop! Uhm, that's good – L, why don't you ever listen to me?" Despite the never-ending string of complaints, Light continued to move, arching his back up and moaning as L watched him in mild shock. What did he mean, heirs? Nighttime trysts in a garden? Getting walked in on by Matsuda? He'd heard teenagers had strange dreams, but this …

He was cut off by more of Light's talking, loud and clear as he dug himself into the mattress. "Augh, L … you know I like it that way …. more, more! Harder! Ahhh …"

L was beset by a sudden, wicked idea. If Light could pleasure himself that much just by thinking of him … what would happen if he actually touched a bit back? Very cautiously, L rolled over on top of him and stroked one hand down light's chest. "Hmm …. L …" Suddenly Light rolled over on top of him, knotting a hand through L's magnificent mane as he cuddled into his chest, L trying to decide whether letting his primary suspect molest him was really a good idea.

Light then took a still somewhat impartial L completely by surprise as eh gently kissed him, planting his gently on lips that fondled his sweets, lips that could converse with dictators, lips that ordered deaths. Right then L didn't really care as he let out a moan involuntarily, surprised beyond belief. Light was good. Well, he should have expected that, considering how infatuated girls seemed to be with him, but … L wiggled. Inference and experimentation were not the same thing. Right now he was most certainly breaking his contract with Soichiro …

His thoughts were interrupted by Light breaking the kiss, falling back into a deeper slumber. "Oh, L …" he sighed. "Never mind all that. Let's just build our own kingdom…"

Yes, L thought as he was lulled to sleep by the sound of Light's steady breathing, That sounded like a good idea, indeed.

He considered the fact that he might not want Watari to examine this video, when he gathered them for L's collection. Sometimes the man guessed too much.

--

When Light shakes himself into awakeness he came face-to-face with L's wide eyes, the frail, bony form underneath him, and very narrowly restrains himself from screaming. Why was he … ? What did he dream about? He knew it had involved L … what if …

"Perhaps Light-kun would like to remove himself from my person now," L said blandly, waiting for Light to self-consciously scurry off of him and roll, red-faced, onto the other side of the bed. "Though it's a pity that he seems to no longer remember all he said last night. Would Light-kun like a reminder?"

For a second Light thought he saw a flicker of longing, or possibly amusement, actually show in L's eyes. "What did it involve?" he asked warily, not sure he wanted to know. If he'd done something with L, the person who accused him of being Kira, then …

"Let us just say that it is a shame Light-kun does not remember our first kiss. You know, Light-kun," L said, chewing on his thumb thoughtfully, "I think today would be an appropriate day to go out on our date with Misa-san. Where does Light-kun suppose we should go? After all, it is our last free day before the arrival of my colleagues, the other Ls."

Light groaned, and then, when a wicked thought popped into his head, said, "Well, that's a way to spoil my day. Couldn't you just have given me a good-morning kiss?"

"Does Light-kun mean that?"

"No."

"Light-kun is a tease and will not be getting breakfast."

"I'm letting you sit next to Misa."

"…"

--

For all who didn't understand the disclaimer, here I present THE LEGEND OF TANTALUS:

Once, there was a great Grecian king, who was known as a fair and wise ruler and whose faults were ignored because of it. One day the gods invited him to a feast at their hall in Mount Olympus, and Tantalus was presented as the fraud he is when he was caught trying to steal some of the gods' nectar and ambrosia, and was banished forever from Mount Olympus.

When he got home Tantalus's children chastised him, telling him in all their teenage righteousness that he should never have stolen from the gods. Tantalus, fed up with it all (after all, he was a great king, WASN'T he?) decided to have his revenge. So, to show there were no hard feelings, he invited the gods to a dinner at his castle and served them HIS CHILDREN IN THE STEW.

As his eternal punishment, Tantalus was placed in a lake of water beneath sweeping fruit trees and forever denied drink or sustenance, the water disappearing as he reached it to his mouth and the fruit staying always out of his reach no matter how desperately he strove for it. He was left forever in a burning agony of hunger and thirst, unable to do anything about it. So Ryuk can't get his apples either. There's your daily lesson in Greek mythology, and now you see why the disclaimer's more of an inside joke. Though, for the record, I'm not sure M knew this story either. (It's in he second book of Perseus Jackson and the Olympians, by the way. The Sea of Monsters. It's pretty good.)

Now, on to the crack chapters!

CRACK CHAPTER 5 (the "Mello incident"):

Near put his near plushie on top of his Mello plushie, making the Near plushie say in a breathy voice, "Oh, Mello, I didn't know you felt that way."

Then, in a deep, growly voice, the kind he used to use for Bugger the Bear, made the Mello plushie say, "Can it and just kiss me, Near. I'm through waiting." He made the Mello plushie's lips stretch up and attempt to reach his plushie as he lifted it off a bit, diving back down to attack him.

"Near, we have to go meet Roger toda –" Mello began, throwing open the door and stopping point-blank when he saw what Near was holding. "WHAT THE FUCK?!?"

Near merely stared at him, a hint of blush staining his alabaster cheeks. Mello backed slowly out the door, leaning on it after he'd slammed it shut as if to keep a wild, ravenous tiger in a cage from breaking out and rampaging through the zoo. "I shoulda been the one on top," he muttered, and the passing Matt snickered.

CRACK CHAPTER 6 (I have discontinued the Nevermind ones):

"You –" Soichiro panted as he lifted Matsuda bodily, having run up all thirteen flights of stairs chasing Matsuda (who knew he squealed like a pig being led to butcher when in mortal danger?) "- are – no longer – a member of this task force. You have – no right – to be in this building!"

And with that, the rest of the task force (who had taken the elevator, sure the chief was courting another heart attack from massive blowout and exertion) arriving just in time to see it, Soichiro pitched Matsuda out the window (L really should of thought of that; after all, it would make a good route for Kira to escape or Misa to commit suicide) and watched him spiral, flaling and screaming, down to the hard city ground below, the makings of a truly enormous traffic accident.

The Chief turned, rubbing his hands together in satisfaction, to come face-to-face with the rest of the task force, everyone's eyes as wide as L's (though his had gone 5/11ths wider than should have been possible by the limits of science). The staring lasted for several minutes. Finally Aizawa's voice shattered it, complaining, "Aw, Chief, why couldn't you let me help?"

Everyone turned to look at him. "…" L said after a second's thought. "I believe I shall go fetch Watari and create a cover story."

"Right," Light said shakily, not wanting his eyes to leave his dad but at the same time grateful to get away.

"Light-kun," L said presently, as they descended in the empty elevator once more, "has your father had any history of domestic abuse concerning your family?"

"N-No," Light answered, still freaked, "b-but sometimes he would tear up Sayu's report cards … or just storm out of the house HE got brought up on property damage once when he was younger, I think."

"I see."

"…"

RE A/N: Yes, I have finally put some shonen-ai in the story. And the dream sequence was for M again, because she wanted something more done with Light's dreams. Feel free to give suggestions, people. I would have had this up last night, but my dog was vomiting and I had to go with my dad to rush her to the 24-hour vet: didn't get back until late and we think she's going to be fine. So here you are. Anyone wanting to guest-star in a disclaimer, let me know: I love writing those.

In case you're wondering about my new name, ., I had a random flashback a few nights ago where I was in Signet (the gifted program at my old elementary school) and I was with my friend A (A for Awesome, Amazing, because I like using Death Note letters, and because she is my Alpha friend for all things manga-related, also known as Osaka or miss Micah Spence). We were in this center called Unexplained, which was, obviously, about the Unexplained, things like UFO sightings and all that. Well, we were stuck on this sucky packet that was freaking impossble to finish, and one of the tasks it detailed was to carve an Easter Island head out of a bar of soap. Sounds fun, right?

Not in my Signet. Our teacher gave us the kind of thin, flat, crappy soap bar you get in hotel bathrooms, and our carving implements? TOOTHPICKS! So, yeah, there was no way we could have made that look like anything from Easter Island. But hey, it's a random name, and that is my true contest with myself. Take .sledgehammers, for example. If you people have to rely on searching my name I pity you.

New story ideas that should turn into first chapters you can expect in a few days:

(So Far Untitled): Matt and Mello, bored and Kira-less, run away from Wammy's and Near tries to stop them but ends up being forced to come along for the ride. They make it all the way to Japan just to be caught by one Yagami Raito, the NPA's star detective, and guess who comes to pick them up? L, disguising as one of the orphan's caretakers. And he decides … that the three of them can have a little vacation after all. All sorts of fluffy fun, of course, a non-Raito Kira to keep L in Japan and start them investigating. Sound any good? AU, obviously. LxLight. (Duh.) Maybe some Wammy pairings, too.

Welcome to Near's Kingdom: In other words, a spin-off from my new plushie/Near fetish. Near has transformed his usual pristime bedroom floor into … um … two kingdoms. Rayen and Olem. (Chapter + crack chapter + disclaimer dedication to whoever guesses how Near picked the names before I post the second chapter of the story.) And, well, his plushie rules over Rayen and Mello's is the famously feisty Princess of Olem (yes, Princess. Who knew Near was skilled enough to make dresses in leather?) and one day Mello sees this stuff. At first he storms out, you know Mello, he's very sensitive about his feminine features, but he and Matt start coming back separately. (Matt is a brave knight, and his goggles have magical powers that can be used to see the truth in soeone's heart. Don't ask me why; Near invented it.) So they start playing the game seriously. Just where can the plushies lead? I don[t know, I haven't even started it.

So give me your opinion and review. And I apologize, for the fifth time this chapter in general and the second time on this particular subject, for the length of these giant authors notes. Review, please!

-N