A/N: Ohmygosh is this the ultimate troll? Yes-but no. The ultimate troll would be the end of the one-shot series. AND THIS IS NOT GOING TO END.
So they have announced Dynasty Warriors 8 to come out overseas! *Cheers.*
But I'm still irked at Lu Xun's 8 design. He looks just like my shortie classmate. That's ¼ Japanese. Yeah.
Asfg. Anyways, Lu Xun vs. Prime Minister! Who would win in the ultimate troll war?
I'm probably going to split this in 2 parts, cuz this thing might get long.
And yes, for their jobs I referenced to the modern DLC for 8.
Disclaimer: *Crumples it up and throws it in the garbage.* If I need one, you must be new to the term "fan"fiction.
Ch. 4- Troll Wars! Xunnie vs. Zhuge Liang! Pt.1
That night, I was on the phone with my dear friend, Wei. You know, Jiang Wei? That guy that shouts out benevolence, and had just been in the last two recent chapters? (4th wall breaking, aww yeah!)
"Lu Xun, what are you even talking about?" Jiang Wei asked, and I think I could hear a distinct crunching. Huh, he must've been eating chips. Fat, much, Mr. Benevolence?
"Well, I must strive to achieve the master ranks of Mr. Zhuge Liang!" I shouted into the phone, completely confident in my abilities.
"Nonononononononononononononono, what are you going to do?" Wei exclaimed, clearly frightened what would happen to his precious prime minister, as he called him.
"You'll see, my dear Wat-I mean, Jiang Wei." I told him, hoping to ease his conflicting thoughts, while actually quoting a stupid quote that's probably not correct. Whatever, I don't really care. Oh, and do you remember how I said that no one calls Jiang Wei "Wei"? Well yeah, I broke that long time ago. Sorry for probably confusing your poor soul.
"Don't include me in it!" Wei cried, completely ignoring what I was saying, "if he thinks/or finds out that I was involved, he might just drop the tutoring program and won't even let me pay off my debt by babysitting/tutoring little kiddies!"
I twitched a bit, getting slightly annoyed with Jiang Wei's rambling, "SHUT UP!"
Wei quickly hung up after my outburst. Looks like I'm not recruiting him to be part of my plan. You see, here's Boyue's situation here: His family is dirt poor (no offense, Jiang family) since they had fallen into debt. Luckily-the school has rose and given Jiang Wei the chance to help pay off his debt, and let him to continue learning! Yeah, so most of the time right after school he goes to the elementary school and tries to help disabled kids. How benevolent.
Anyways, yeah. That's basically why he's sort of cranky about these thing, because Mr. Zhuge Liang is his savior. Yet, he's still in the student council, chilling out with me and all those other special people. And did I mention he is a piano pro-
Okay, enough of Jiang Wei. It's ME time.
Let's see, plan…..plan…what would be a good plan? I pondered on that thought. As I was in my totally awesome rolly-chair where I do my usual trolling; that's really bad apparently, according to society. I know right, society sucks! Okay, I just forgot for a moment that I apparently lack common sense. No seriously, Sun Shang Xiang just texted me:
To: Lu Xun
y do u not have common sense
From: MS. PRINCESS THAT NEEDS TO SHUT UP! (Lu Xun's contact list…..god, he's mean.)
To: MS. PRINCESS THAT NEEDS TO SHUT UP!
Why do you not have proper grammar, Lady Shang Xiang?
From: Lu Xun
To: Lu Xun
u fuckin' suck.
From: MS. PRINCESS THAT NEEDS TO SHUT UP!
To: MS. PRINCESS THAT NEEDS TO SHUT UP!
Bitch, I do what I want.
From: Lu Xun
To: Lu Xun
dont b a hypocrite I kno that u lik to look all innocent even tho u r evil!1111!
From: MS. PRINCESS THAT NEEDS TO SHUT UP!
To: MS. PRINCESS THAT NEEDS TO SHUT UP!
And how would you know that, princess?
From: Lu Xun.
To: Lu Xun
im not talking to u anymre
From: MS. PRINCESS THAT NEEDS TO SHUT UP!
To: MS. PRINCESS THAT NEEDS TO SHUT UP!
Just watch, you're going to text me back after an hour. Hahahahahahhaha.
From: Lu Xun
I put my phone back on the side. Well, I just love being a troll to Shang Xiang all the time. It's just funny. I decided to actually get up from my very (no seriously it's very comfy) comfy rolly chair. And, I sauntered across the room to my precious bed, not hesitating to pick up my planning journal on the way there.
I ascended, head-first, toward my bed, grabbed a pen and started to make notes inside my journal.
I started to write my plan out on how I will troll the ultimate troll:
Whole scheme for starting troll war with Mr. Zhuge
Phase A:
Pay very close attention to class, and study the material he would be teaching in advance. Then, be a smart know it all and be like I know more than him! (Which is kinda impossible, by the way, but do I care? No.)
But again, in result I'll also troll the whole class (well….the ones who wants to answer the questions, at least.) But hey, two birds with one stone? Sweet.
-Plan B: Series of pranks time. Prank the students in his class, causing millions of disturbances in class. He would get real irritated-no, it may backfire as I would like to learn. But, if I do the beforehand in Plan A-Plan B is guaranteed to work, hopefully.
-Plan C: Contact Zhou Yu. He may know a quite bit more on how to tug on Mr. Zhuge's strings.
-Plan D: If all else fails, look at the big picture-you're obviously not going to succeed, but try to take a chance and stealthily mess up the whole entire lesson. By doing-things. Or do something during lunch break. Or do something to his house. But that's a bit immature.
Screw this, Zhou Yu contact time!
…..after I go to sleep.
*insert drawn face of Jiang Wei, drawn by Lu Xun….beautiful.* Boyue does not approve.
I shut my journal. Okay, don't ask why I decided to put, "Boyue doesn't approve." Well, that's just simple because….he doesn't. We will indeed have a session on where we ponder on why the crap do I do the half of the things I do.
Or we can know now how I started to do the art that we call-trolling.
Simple. Ling Tong was being a meanie-
Oh look, a text from him now.
To: Lu Xun
Hey dude if you are still up go the fuck to sleep okay
From: Tongieeeeeeeee
I rolled my eyes at the text. Hypocrite, how about you go to sleep as well! At least he uses proper capitalization and spelling, I give him that. I listened to him, and went to the bathroom to perform nightly rituals and other crap.
Good night, world.
But before I did so, I sent a reply back.
To: Tongieeeeeeeee
Thank you so much for worrying, but I WAS going to go to sleep, mind you. I was busy thinking of new troll plans.
From: Lu Xun
I took a deep breath, and jumped into my bed, throwing my phone to the side.
Wait, did I just hit the-
"YI, COME DOWN RIGHT NOW!" My father yelled at me, pretty much really irritated if he used my real name. Yes, my real name is Yi. Don't judge. The reason I changed it was because of reasons.
Yeah.
Anyways, goodnight again.
I shut my eyes and my line of sight went pitch dark. Yeah, I just ignored my father. I'm such a rude child.
~:~:~
Beep! Beep!
No, shut up. I produced such a large yawn, leaning over to press the off button on my stupid alarm clock. BLEHHHHHHH!
"Xun, after you get ready come down here," My father exclaimed, shouting from below, "I have something very important to tell you."
"Yes, sir!" I replied back. I scratched my head. What the heck am I doing? It's a Saturday!
Why did I even set my alarm clock-I'll never know. It's forever doomed to remain a mystery. But yeah, it's Saturday. And I have nothing to do this day. Maybe my dad is giving me something to do since he doesn't want me to laze around.
I padded into the bathroom, and did my morning routine. You know-the usual things, brush my teeth, brush my beautiful hair, and etc.
I walked out of the bathroom, shining vibrantly. Oh yes, I'm looking fresh again. Like every day.
I reached the end of the hallway, and resumed to pound down the stairs mercilessly. Poor stairs. Whatever, they'll live. Except for the fact it's not even human-aha.
So, when I reached the last three steps, I was such a daredevil and jumped them. Yeah, that was pretty lame, wasn't it? Does it look like I give a single fuck? Haha, I didn't think so.
"So father, what are you going to talk to me about?" I asked, secretly hoping that I get to get a freaking car already. Yeah, that's right! I'm a typical teenager with an official driver's license.
"Even though we deemed you irresponsible since that little dispute we had with the Sun Family the other day, I decided to let you make your own decision and get a car!" My father delivered the news. I squealed in joy, jumping and everything.
"And no, you are not allowed to set it on fire." I froze, hearing that. Damn. There goes that. Well, I guess I can troll in a millions ways with a car!
"Oh yes, and you have to pay it off," I shrugged at that, it's normal in our household, "so it looks like you should go part time job-hunting today."
"…can't I just make some cash by hacking other's bank accounts-"
"No, that's not civil."
"But…"
"No buts, Yi, get a real job."
"I can't do anything, though!"
"For heck's sake, just shut up and get out of my house-hold! Or I'll kick you out right now in your pajamas!"
"…Yes father." I glumly mumbled, retreating back up to my room to get dressed and going.
Otherwise, I will lose all of my dignity if I go outside in my Charmander pajamas. I mean, seriously. It's pretty childish, but Charmanders are super awesome, okay? Well, since Sun Shang Xiang is my neighbor, I didn't want her to laugh at me. Yes, I do get embarrassed often. Surprising, I know.
Well, I suppose I shall get dressed.
\(^u^)/
I stood there, super freaking bored. I played around on my phone, texting random people. The main thing I'm pretty pissed off about is the fact that the only job opening I can get easily would be the Sun Family's restaurant, which is pretty much part timing.
So I went there, and greeted the family with a confident smile. (Hey, they are not going to see me sulk.)
"Hello Mr. Sun, I am here to fulfill a duty as an employee of your humble restaurant, on one condition-for you to help me bring honor to my family!" I explained my situation, in a fake way. Because it wasn't entirely true. Yep. It wasn't really for me to bring honor to my family, but more like to pay for a car. Yeah….
"Yeah, but you don't really need to bring honor to you family, though." He answered. I raised my eyebrows.
Well, bitch please-
"But I'll let you get a job here, anyways."
I brightened up. Hey, this was going good! I think it's going to be a marvelous experience.
"So, right now I'll let you work as a waiter, because we would think of you as a good bartender; but you must wait for maybe a few months at least, okay?" Mr. Sun explained, putting huge emphasis on why the heck I shouldn't even think about handling alcohol. I'll probably set everyone on fire yet. He probably wants me to get over my addiction to my matches.
I think he's convinced I smoke too. What a let-down…for your information, I do not smoke. I simply burn down things.
"Yay, waiting tables, sounds fun." I cheered in a sarcastic tone. Mr. Sun rolled his eyes, and hustled me in to change into my uniform.
"Your shift starts now, immediately!"
"Wait sir, I start already?"
-T_T-
I straightened the classy waiter outfit. No seriously, this thing is super freaking classy. Love it.
I strutted out (I guess) of the changing room like a boss. I do not drop things, so he shouldn't be worrying over that. I'm not clumsy, nope.
"Here are the ground rules here, Lu Xun," Yu explained-and at that I immediately assumed he was the head waiter, "don't agitate the customers, make sure to not drop any glass or dishes, and lastly, don't try to flirt with Da Qiao or else Ce will get real mad at you. Not like you will, anyways. Oh-and don't make Shang Xiang mad. She gets scary. Oh yes, don't even decide to try to wonder where Xiao Qiao is-"
"I can tell." I scoffed at his comment about Shang Xiang. Jeez, she's real violent. "Don't worry; I'll treat the princess perfectly well."
"Ah, okay, I trust you," He sent me off, "good luck!"
I gave him a quirk nod and a smile. Well, time to start my job.
I padded out of the kitchen, and prepared a notebook for me to take orders on. Do I have everything? Yes, yes I do. To make sure, I shuffled through my pockets on the sides of the aprons…..straws, pen, cell phone, ect…..
Welp, I'm good.
I sauntered out in a confident fashion. And I turn to see that my first customer is at table 7-and it is-
"Why hello Lu Xun; it's nice to see you here." Mr. Zhuge's voice reached my ears. I looked to see that he was with Mrs. Huang. Perfect.
"Ah yes, we'll start with the drinks," I started to sweat, why did my first customer have to be Mr. Zhuge, "so what will you get?"
"I think we'll both take water." He replied.
I nodded in response, "Okay, I will get it to you shortly."
"Hmm, but before that, would you ever so mind telling me why you have taken it upon yourself to work at your girlfriend's family restaurant?" He questioned me. I raised my eyebrow at the girlfriend comment.
"Wait, I have a girlfriend, sir?" I asked stupidly. But I have no idea whom is he referring to... It irritates me, seriously.
"Yes, Ms. Shang Xiang, correct?" He answered.
I shook my head immediately. One word: Hell no. Actually, that was two. But I don't care.
"She's not my girlfriend, just a 'friend'," I answered rather bluntly, "besides, she's scary."
"Well, that's certainly not a nice thing to say." He chuckled at my face. Bastard.
"Anyways, I shall get your drinks to you in a minute." I cut off the conversation, and jogged to the drinks place and got two cups and filled them with water. I do apologize to you milady/sir, but I couldn't really find a good approach on how to describe that.
I went back to table 7 and presented them with the drinks.
"Ah, this doesn't seem to taste like water, does it now?" He mused on the glass of water. I twitched.
"Don't pull my leg with me now, of course it is water." I retorted instantly.
"Really now?" He smiled in a very unpleasant way, "it's a bit fizzy to me."
"Oh, it must be soda then," I apologized quickly, "sorry sir; I'll change that out immediately."
"And please do tell me when you are ready to order, yes?"
"Of course." Mrs. Huang gave me a sad smile. She must pity me. Urgh. I don't need any pity.
Okay, maybe I do. How would I be able to troll the customer?
Bzzt! Phone shut up, you should know that I'm not allowed to text on the job.
Well, the customer always trolls the waiter. Dang it.
They hesitated a bit at their order, and I impatiently tapped my foot. I finally heard a response…
"What do you suggest?" Mr. Zhuge asked, with a wry smile equipped on his face. I fumed.
"Well sensei, I must say-"
"You don't need to call me sensei outside of school."
"Okay….and thanks for interrupting me. Anyways, I would think that for you, specifically that Genius Strategist's Edamame would be great for an appetizer. As for drinks, you already got your water but you can always try the Shu special drink which is just green apple grapefruit soda. For your entrée maybe some nice Three Visit Deluxe Curry Soup, or even the genius strategist's chilled noodles." I suggested these nice entrees. If it was just me eating here, I would've suggested the drink of FIRES OF YOUTH AND WISDOM. AND LU XUN'S SCORCHING HOT POT. Wow, that sounds entirely delicious! Most likely because Shang Xiang had this smart idea to name some of the dishes after me!
"Ah yes, I'll take your offer on that. Do exactly as you suggested, but I wouldn't really want the Shu Drink." He answered. I gave him a bright smile and nodded, writing down the order. He didn't let his wife answer. Oh well, hope she's fine with this. I walked away to call the orders.
"Ce!" I yelled, "order for table 7!" I stuck the paper on the line thingy. That you use to do orders. He gave me a grunt in response.
I was summoned to another table. Goddamn, is this really that tedious?
I sighed, this was going to be a long day. I can't wait until lunch break.
"Xun, whatcha doing? GET OUT THERE AND SERVE THE TABLE!" Shang Xiang shouted at me. I twitched, and ran off to the next table.
~*w*~
Lunch Break, finally!
I panted in and out. Finally! This is over!
Damn, I didn't do a single troll this chapter. So welp, let's do it during the lunch break. I took out my phone to look at the text.
Great, Tong again.
To: Lu Xun
So I heard you are stuck with Shang Xiang with being your coworker since some reason you just have to work at her familys restaurant
From: Tongieeeeeeeee
Pfft. Like his job is any better.
To: Tongieeeeeeeee
Well, it's better than being a car mechanic.
From: Lu Xun
He didn't text back.
What a shame. I absent-mindly grimaced.
A/N: Wow, some filler here for you. Actually, everything is filler! No plot here at all, yet again! Sorry, I make wayyyyyy too long chapters.
But that's good, right? And yes, he didn't really troll anyone. So….yeah….*shrug.*
Sorry for not updating! I had to study for testing and other things! D: And I pretty much sucked this chapter. Ahahahah, and introducing Lu Xun's cruel nicknames for his friends in his contacts list. So yes, texts are now going to be shown. We are most definitely invading his life.
OH YEAH, AND THOSE DISH NAMES IN BOLD...they are from those promotional restaurant food promoting Dynasty Warriors 8 or something. I found it under the Dynasty Warriors thing on Koei Wiki, here's a link. Spaces, delete them.
k oei . wi kia . c o m . wiki/Dynasty_Warriors_8
