Title: Instant Karma, Chapter 4
Author:
Sorsha711
Fandom/Pairing: JM/OFC; Involves the entire Law &
Order universe
Rating: M, for language and references to violence;
some adult content
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to
Dick Wolf. Munch isn't mine, except in my dreams! Sigh!
Summary:
A series of random bombings reunites Munch with the woman that has
haunted his sleep for years. In the midst of tragedy, can some much
needed good karma open the way for true love delayed? JM/OFC
Instant Karma, Chapter 4
"She what??"
Taking a steadying breath, Sydney reached up to lay her hand on the side of his face. "I was confused and… it seemed to make sense. It hurt too much to think she was right and that you had told her you wanted me out of your way, so I scurried back to Boston as soon as I could. After the attack… it was a long time before I was thinking rationally again. When you came to the hospital… I didn't want your pity and I had convinced myself that was all you felt for me. I couldn't bear that, so I turned you away."
"'My pity'?" Munch bit out. "I came because I cared. I was worried out of my head about you, Syd! How could you think..?"
Covering his lips with shaking fingers, she whispers, "I wasn't thinking, Detective. You tell me… how many victims of a near fatal beating are thinking clearly after they wake up from a coma?"
Dropping his forehead to rest against hers, he tightened his hold on her body. "None. I guess I wasn't thinking too clearly either and I had no excuse. I was sure you know how I felt about you and that you were rejecting me. I was hurting and devastated by the sight of you in that hospital bed."
A soft whisper pressed, "How did you feel, John? We never talked about the future… about how we felt about each other in any of those long talks. I kept telling myself you were waiting for Ally's case to be settled so we could put it behind us… at least I was hoping that was what held you back."
The sudden ringing of his cell phone interrupted their conversation before he could answer. Still holding her gaze, Munch pulled his phone from his jacket. "Munch."
"Hey Fin. Here to help pull us out?"
"Banged up, but nothing serious. Sydney is hurt and I need to get her to a doctor as soon as possible."
"Yeah, that Sydney. Imagine the odds of our meeting again under these circumstances… but Fate is a fickle thing, my friend. Your call for example broke into a conversation we should have had seven years ago. You know… the one with the answers to the questions you've heard me agonize over every time I've had too much to drink and start crying into my beer. Turns out I was right… it was a conspiracy that came between us."
"Don't be a smart ass, Detective. I was about to tell her she guessed right; I had been waiting until after the trial to make my intentions… my feelings clear. It didn't seem right to do it while that case still lay between us."
"Nothing like that, Fin. But I am still reeling to discover that the person I eventually turned to for solace and consolation turned out to be the one that drove the wedge between us in the first place. I'm still trying to make sense of the fact I had no clue Billie Lou did what she did. I feel like a first class chump not to have figured it out before now."
"Later. I'll just say it also makes sense of comments and the behavior of my so-called friends… my dear ex in the year that followed. Shit… I actually felt guilty for leaving her!"
"Hell, it's a blessing that we have all of this to occupy our thoughts, buddy. It would drive us both crazy if all we had to do was dwell on the creaking cables over our heads and the fact that its already hotter than hell in here now that the AC is off. What's the word?"
"OK. I'll tell, Syd. How long?"
"Did they say whether we would feel anything?"
"Great! More things to anticipate!"
"Yeah, thanks. Put her on."
"Hi Liv."
"We're OK for now. It would be nice if you could drop us a fan and a bottle of water on a long rope though."
"Sad part is we have a bottle, but it's in Sydney's bag which is wedged behind her. Can't get to it and her bottle of Advil without making the elevator rock and roll."
"Yes, that Sydney."
"I'm fine, Livvie. You'll like her… I promise."
"Nope, I finally have her in my arms and I have every intention of trying to keep her there… if she's amenable that is."
"Is a shy smile a hopeful sign?"
"Good… I thought so. Wish me luck. But back to the larger drama, anything new to report?"
"That's great news! Those cars must not have dropped far. How soon before they can get them out?
Seeing the sparkle of renewed hope light his companion's eyes, he admitted, "I have to admit it's a relief for us both to know there are other survivors. Any word on the investigation?"
"Yeah, I know it's early, but I need some answers. This is a little more personal than most cases."
"OK. We can't do much up here but hang tight and wait for FDNY to reach us. Well, I guess we could…. hummm…. talk, but not much else."
"I will behave. I promise… cross my heart and hope to get the hell out of here so I can help find the bastards that did this."
"Yeah. Later."
"Liv?"
Grinning down into the guarded hazel eyes watching him, he replied, "Yeah, one of the other detectives in my squad. She's very protective of us. Fin is my partner. You'll like them both and I promise there is nothing going on between Olivia and me. I'm completely unattached and up for grabs."
An amused grin washed over her features. "Good to know. Same for me. I haven't dated much since Tony and I broke up while I was in the hospital."
"You broke up while you were in the hospital??? What kind of bastard…"
"One I'm luck not to have married." Still watching him closely, she asked, "I heard right… they found other survivors?"
A relieved sigh preceded, "Yeah, in a couple of the other cars. Responders are still trying to get to some of them, but seven have been transported to the hospital… one critical, but the rest in hopeful conditions."
"What else did your partner say? You said you'd tell me something."
"FNDY will begin sliding the piers under us in the next few minutes. Fin says they wanted us to be warned so we wouldn't freak out if we heard them," he replied. "He also said the car may move a bit as they maneuver them into position, so we need to remain as still as possible."
"Where did they think we would be going… or doing?"
In a soft, hopeful tone, he asked, "Going? Maybe out to dinner together once you're back on your feet… maybe sooner? You know… an honest to goodness date?"
A troubled expression clouded her features. "John… can we do that? Pick-up where we were seven years ago and go from there? How do we get past all that's happened in the time between?"
Munch frowned at her response. "Is that a polite way of saying…?"
"No! I want this chance too, but… I also need for us to be completely honest with each other, John. We weren't seven years ago and that fed my doubts… yours too I suspect." Tightening her grip on his waist as she felt the elevator shift and heard the sound of scrapping metal echo around them, she took a deep breath and admitted, "I was falling in love with you and it scared me. You hadn't said anything and it was easy for Billie Lou to convince me I had read too much into your feelings out of a blindness caused by my own."
Releasing the nervous breath he had not realized he was holding, he cuddled her a little closer. "I was falling… I fell in love with you, Syd. I've never felt about anyone the way I felt… feel about you. I was depressed for a long time and ended up marrying Billie Lou to prove something to myself, but it was a disaster from the first night… literally, but that's another long, embarrassing story for another time. As soon as I said 'I do', I knew I didn't and never would."
Breathing in the scent of her hair, he added, "We never even lived together after the wedding, but, by then, I felt I had gone too far. I had betrayed my feelings for you; I felt I didn't have the right to approach you again. So I retired from the force, gave up my share of the bar in the divorce, and moved here. I still dream about you… your image has haunted many sleepless nights."
Stunned by the depth of his admission, Sydney could only stare up into his eyes, captured by the uncharacteristic vulnerability he was showing. Softly, she whispered, "It's been the same for me… the sleepless nights thinking about you. I lived for the time I spent with you and I didn't even have those infrequent long talks on the phone to get me through. I've missed you, John. I love you too."
Bending to press a gentle kiss to her lips, the memory of the painful encounter with a departmental physiatrist came back to him completely unbidden. Dr. Audrey Jackson had gotten to him, but not for the exact reason she had thought. Their session had haunted him for years.
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Flashback (Law & Order: SVU, Season 1 --- "Slaves")
"Do you have a girlfriend?"
"Do you"
"Well, have you dated at all since transferring to this unit?"
"Ah, now I see where you're going with this. Does dealing with sexual deviants every day affect me? The answer is no. Just ask my blowup doll."
"Do you think that this job has had any effect on your sex life?"
"No, but I think I've pinpointed what has. Believe it or not, I have serious intimacy issues. I'm critical and negative. I have an occasional bout of... let's see, melancholy? I'm a lousy date, but a good cop. So, I guess that just about covers everything."
"Uh, no. Actually, we have 45 minutes."
"So I suppose you want to hear a detailed account of my sexual history? But how are we going to kill the remaining 44 minutes?"
"Do you always deflect personal questions with jokes?"
"Do you always deflect jokes with personal questions?"
"Have you ever experienced any sexual dysfunction since taking this job? And I'd appreciate a serious answer."
"Once."
"Thank you. When did that happen?"
"I'm not sure, but it was definitely within the last 10 minutes. I'm sorry. Look, I'm not good at talking about me. You're the expert, why don't you talk about me?"
"Okay. You've been married multiple times. Each wife was beautiful, spoiled, and not one of them matched you intellectually. You distrust all women, any form of government, and you could smell conspiracy at a five-year-old's lemonade stand."
"Anything else?"
"You've given up on relationships. But you still believe in true love. And the pain of never having found it is unbearable."
End flashback.
-----
John reluctantly broke the kiss, only to become lost in the sparkling hazel eyes that opened to meet his. The golden flecks in their depths seemed to glow with new life. Wrapping her more comfortably in his arms, he at last faced the secret demon Audrey Jackson had unwittingly set loose in his heart… a demon he had tried to ignore for years through biting sarcasm or by drinking himself into oblivion.
Yes, he did still believe in true love, but what he found unbearable wasn't that he had not found it. What had kept him awake night after night was the unshakable certainty that he had found it… the fear it was forever lost to him. For the first time in many years, a sense of peace settled around his heart.
"I love you too, Syd. I always have."
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