Danny Reagan on diaper duty. 'Nuff said.
Chapter 4 - Poops and Giggles
Jamie opened the front door and quickly stumbled back as his older brother barreled his way into the apartment.
"Hey! Did I miss kickoff?" Danny asked hurriedly, hoping he'd made it here in time to catch the beginning of the game. Sure, it was only the preseason, but the whole city was drinking the Kool-Aid and expected this to finally be the year their beloved Jets got back to the big game.
"Hey to you too and yeah, you did. Where were you?" Jamie asked as he closed the door and followed Danny to the living room where his old partner was already settled.
"Got tied up with a witness. Hey, JC," Danny said distractedly as he honed in on the cushy glider on the far side of the room and dropped into it with an audible sigh of relief. He leaned back into the chair and wondered if you had to have a baby to own one of these babies; it was more comfortable than his Lazy-Boy at home.
JC tipped his half-full bottle of Brooklyn Brown Ale at the older Reagan in salute from his spot on the sofa. "Hey, Danny. Good to see you, man."
"Yeah, you too. Where's my beer?" Danny fired back while puzzled about why the matching and equally cushy ottoman wasn't currently elevating his tired feet. He was searching the immediate area for the missing item when his eyes landed on his eight-week-old niece quietly buckled into her little vibrating bouncy chair. The peaceful expression on her tiny face had him also wondering if they made those things in adult-size too.
"Yeah...since you asked so nicely," Jamie smirked and rolled his eyes as he went off to the kitchen to cater to his brother.
Danny's face lit up as he crouched down to get into Amelia's line of sight. "Hey! There's my princess!" he cooed at the infant, much to the amusement of the other two officers. The cheery, high-pitched tone was not one they often heard from the gruff detective, but he'd been smitten with the infant since the day she was born and more so since he'd learned that he would also be her godfather which seemed to really touch him. "Is that smile for me?" he sing-songed back at the infant whose lips stretched into something of a grin, but probably not for the reasons her uncle thought. "Hey, I think she recognizes me already!" he announced proudly to the room as Amelia's little arms and legs fluttered about excitedly at the sound of his voice.
"I think she just has gas," Jamie deadpanned as he approached with an open bottle of his brother's favorite amber ale.
Danny reached out for the beer as he sat back in the chair. "Funny. Where's Eddie?" he inquired before taking a long, satisfying pull from the bottle and eyeing television where the Jet's highly-touted offense was coming onto the field.
"Haley took her out to dinner for some girl time." Haley had correctly assumed that her best friend could make do with a few hours out of the house and Eddie was quick to agree to the invite since Jamie was having the boys over for beer and preseason football; it would only be prudent to take advantage of the situation and make herself scarce to meet her best friend for dinner and drinks.
"So you gotta watch Amelia during the game?" Danny asked.
"I like to think that we all get the privilege of watching Amelia during the game," Jamie countered as his old partner snorted in response.
"No wonder you wanted to watch this over here. I hope you at least got us some food," Danny muttered and leaned back while the baby began to make soft little noises and gurgles as her little fists danced around.
"I already ordered a couple of pies from the joint around the corner," Jamie advised as he checked his watch. "Actually, they should be ready now. I'm gonna head down there and pick them up and get some more beer while I'm out," he said as he gathered his wallet and phone. "Watch your niece for me," he instructed his brother.
"Why not get them delivered?" Danny asked as he eyed Amelia in her chair; she seemed happy now, but what if she needed something? It's been fifteen years since he had to take care of a baby on his own.
"It seems that everyone and their mother is ordering in tonight, so their delivery guy is backed up. I'll be gone like fifteen minutes; what're you worried about? Just watch the baby, Uncle Danny. And you watch Danny, JC," Jamie ordered as he headed for the door.
"You're a real comedian tonight! Get outta here already, I'm starving!" he shouted before turning back to the TV, missing the way the sound of the closing door startled the once-calm baby. "Man, I can't wait for the season to start. There's no good sports on during the summer," Danny complained as he redirected his full attention to the Jets' offense. "I mean, there's baseball, but it's not football."
"That's not true. Ever try watching real futbol?" JC offered.
Danny's nose wrinkled in confusion. "You mean soccer?" he asked, to which JC nodded. "Yeah, my kids play soccer. It's alright," he replied with a shrug.
"Alright? Just alright?" JC said in disbelief. He and his brother were huge soccer fans and Vinny always took any opportunity he could to convert anyone who dared to describe the sport as boring.
"Yeah," Danny huffed, feeling like JC was going to try and start the whole American football vs. real futbol argument.
"I gotta get you guys to watch a match sometime! I know this great little bar downtown where a lot of the South American fans get together to watch matches...ninety minutes of non-stop action, eighty thousand people in the stands chanting in unison," JC touted enthusiastically.
"There's plenty of action in American football," Danny defended, pausing to point at the television as one of the Jet's receivers nearly had his head taken off just as his fingertips grazed the football which caused Danny to grimace when he realized that wasn't a good thing for them. "I'll stick to that," he insisted, despite the failed play.
"It's alright, but do you realize how much football is actually played in the three hours it takes to watch the game?" JC asked, bringing up the same stat his brother often gave nay-sayers.
"I gotta feeling you're about to tell me," Danny sighed under his breath and took a few large chugs from his bottle.
"Eleven minutes!" JC proclaimed and smirked at the exaggerated eye roll he got in response. "You know it's true."
"Yeah, yeah," Danny mumbled as Amelia began to wiggle around restlessly in her chair and her once soft, pleasant gurgles turned into unhappy mewls.
JC paused just as he was bringing the bottle back up to his lips. "Uh oh...What's wrong with her?" he fretted, hoping the more experienced uncle knew what to do.
"How should I know?" Danny shrugged as his brow furrowed, willing Amelia to settle back down until her father got back but the whimpers only grew louder. "I just got here," he said as he reached down and pushed the bouncy seat up and down a few times, hoping that would be enough to quiet the baby down.
"Well, you're a dad. Aren't you supposed to be able to tell what they need by the sound of their cry?" JC reasoned as Amelia began to do just that.
"I'm not a baby whisperer!" Danny shouted to be heard over the baby. "With my kids, it was hunger, a poopy diaper or gas. I'd pick one and move onto the next when I couldn't get them to quiet down...or I'd pass them on to Linda," he admitted sheepishly.
"Okay...you should do that then," he suggested as Amelia began to wail, her face now a deep shade of red, she squeezed her eyes shut and turned her head from one side to the other.
"Linda's not here!" Danny huffed.
It was JC's turn to roll his eyes at the clueless detective. "Then try one of the others!" he argued. He'd never done more than hold little Amelia once or twice; the bachelor had no clue what else you were supposed to do to quiet down a baby.
"Alright! Alright! Doesn't look like your other uncle knows what to do," Danny directed at the baby and shot JC an evil look while he crouched down again to pick up his niece. Once he stood to his full height, he brought the baby up against his left shoulder, grimacing when she began to wail directly into his ear. "Jeez...alright...there we go," he soothed as he patted her back gently and bounced her around like he used to do with his own boys, but now that he thought about it, that never really worked with them and Amelia didn't seem to be any different as Danny began to fear he might be a little hard of hearing out of the left ear. "What's the matter, Amelia? You hungry? Maybe there's a bottle around here I can stick in your mouth," Danny said as he searched the kitchen counters for a baby bottle.
"I don't think that's it," JC said from where he remained comfortably reclined on the couch, relieved that Daniel Reagan was handling the kid.
Danny raised a brow at the younger man. "And how would you know that, genius?" he grumbled.
"Cause Jamie fed her before you got here," he answered smartly.
"Well, you could of told me that before!" Danny groused as he left the kitchen and paced the living room with the unhappy baby.
"I just did," JC smirked.
"Weisenheimer...okay, so maybe you really are gassy. How about I burp you, huh?" Danny said, picking the lesser of the two remaining evils and sped up the rhythmic patting on her little back, praying that it did the trick. "How does that feel -" he stopped suddenly as an intense warmth spread across the palm of his hand where he was holding Amelia's little bum. "Oh no," Danny groaned as an unpleasant smell also reached his nostrils.
"What's wrong?" JC asked suspiciously.
"I don't think it's gas," Danny stated as he carefully repositioned the baby in his hands and held her out at a distance.
"Then what is it?"
"Take one guess..." Danny grimaced at the immense foul odor coming from such a tiny human being.
"Oh...glad you got that covered, brother," JC replied with widened eyes as he too caught a whiff.
"What?! Me?! Why me?!" Danny questioned while Amelia continued to cry and scowl at her uncle, demanding the appropriate attention.
"Cause you're holding her!" JC reasoned.
"So here!" Danny offered as he neared JC, who pushed himself further into the couch cushions, away from the toxic cloud surrounding the two Reagans.
"And she's your niece!" JC added.
"Yours too if they're referring to you as 'Uncle JC,'" Danny argued, still holding an unhappy Amelia over the other man, barely hearing each other over her wails.
"You're her godfather!"
"Techically not for two more weeks!" Danny argued lamely. He knew he was grasping at straws at this point, but was desperate to avoid the chore he knew was coming his way and even thought about waiting for his brother to get back, but he couldn't stand to see his sweet, little Amelia so unhappy. Damn it!, he thought, I'm getting soft in my old age! He decided to try another tactic before accepting his fate. "You're gonna let this poor, sweet, helpless, little infant sit in her own filth?" Danny accused, trying to instill a little guilt in the other man.
But JC didn't hesitate to use that same ploy against him. "Are you, Uncle Danny?"
Danny snarled at JC but then his expression softened as Amelia's cries and beet-red, scrunch-up little face really got to him. "How about we do this together?" he said in one last ditch effort.
"I've never changed a diaper, man," JC said in all honesty.
"It's been fifteen years since I've changed one," Danny admitted, but unfortunately it looked like that streak would end today.
"So it should be like riding a bike, right?" JC encouraged.
"A bike? Yeah...right...a smelly, disgusting bike," Danny sighed as he began to make his way into Eddie and Jamie's bedroom and to the changing table in the corner while still holding Amelia a good foot away from him. "Alright, fine," he said to his niece. "You better remember who's the better uncle, Amelia. JC was ready to leave you in the lurch."
Danny laid the baby down on the changing pad and buckled the little belt across her torso to hold her securely in place, although it did nothing to help quiet her down and still her fumbling arms and legs. He began to mumble to himself nervously, announcing his every move to Amelia as if expecting a response back. "Alright...changing table...I see wipes, that's good...I think we're going to need a case of those." He opened the lid and pulled out a good five to six wet cloths to have them ready before turning to the small pile of clean diapers. "And I see a diaper." Danny held the little diaper out and flipped it over in his hands amazed by how small it was. "Wow, that thing is tiny...but you're pretty tiny too, huh, baby girl?"
Danny put the diaper down next to Amelia and clapped his hands together as he readied himself to go in. But first, he decided that his suit jacket needed to come off, which he tossed into a heap onto the queen sized bed behind him after which he rolled his sleeves up quickly too...there was no telling what he would find when he went in. With nothing else to stall the inevitable, Danny continued with his nervous, running color commentary, which would provide much entertainment later on. "Okay...well, first we gotta get you out of this pajama thing...Jeez, there are a lot of snaps...And it would be a lot easier to do this if you could lay still, Amelia Grace," he admonished gently as her wails rolled back into soft cries. "Okay, well...Here goes nothing," he said once he had her legs freed from her footy pajamas. Danny pulled the tabs of the diapers, gagging at the strong odor and horrific colors visible to him once the front side of the diaper was lowered. "Oh, Jesus!"
"Everything alright in there?" JC hollered from the living room. Danny was almost certain he heard him snorting out there.
"No! Everything is most certainly not alright! This is disgusting and it's smooshed everywhere and," Danny paused as he lifted Amelia's legs and followed the messy trail she'd made, "oh my god! It's spilling out the top of the diaper!" Danny pinched a clean edge of the diaper and pulled out from under the baby and then snatched one wipe, taking a single swipe across Amelia's soiled little bum before tossing it on top of the loaded diaper to grab another, mindful of his bare fingers and of making any direct contact with the mess. "How the hell does that happen?!...How does poop defy gravity?!...God almighty!...I gotta carry gloves the next time I come over here!...How many wipes does it take to clean up baby doody...The world may never know...Gross! So much for putting this thing back on ya...Now I gotta get you changed outta this thing too!" he complained when he spotted a stain on the back of her pajama. Danny pulled her arms out of the dirty garment and slipped it out from under her before he finished cleaning her up, adding the last wet wipe to the now-monstrous, six-inch pile of used cloths. "Okay. Let's get this on," he said as he concentrated on placing the new diaper under her. "Doh!...that's backwards...Here we go...Tabs up front with the little teddy bear...that makes sense. There!" he said proudly before Amelia managed to land a swift kick into the dirty diaper and mountain of soiled wipes he'd left at the end of the changing pad. "Oh, no, sweetie! Why'd you have to stick your foot in the poop?! So much for that sock too! Oh, God...and you got my finger!" he cried as his thumb was now smeared by way of her sock when he'd taken hold of her foot to prevent another kick. "JC!"
"Yeah?" JC asked with a hint of amusement.
"See if you can find a hazmat bag in the kitchen somewhere!" Danny ordered as he pulled the sock off her left foot and dropped it on the floor next to the stained PJs, promptly pulling another wipe for himself.
A few moments later, JC walked into the room with a white trash bag, his hand flying up to cover the lower half of his face. "Man, it reeks in here!"
"No, sh-," Danny began to say before Amelia's whimpers reminded him that there was a young lady in the room, "you know what, Sherlock."
JC grimaced at the mound of wipes on the changing table as he handed over the bag. "Is it supposed to be that color?"
"How the hell should I know?! They may need to check with her doctor. Nothing coming outta the human body should be that color!" Danny grumbled as he laid several layers of clean wipes over the dirty ones and scooped them up, diaper and all, to dump them into the bag.
"I'll be in the living room," JC said, hoping to make his escape.
"Wait! Where ya going?! At least take the bag! I still gotta dress the kid!" Danny shouted as he threw the bag at JC.
"Hey! Watch it! That's hazardous materials you got in there!" he complained as he tied off the bag to ensure nothing would tumble out and walked out with his cargo much like Danny had held Amelia while on his way into the bedroom.
"Lotta help he is. Alright, Miss Amelia, let's just get you dressed." Danny opened the drawers of the bureau until he found another set of PJs and began to slip it onto the infant. "Alright, ladybugs it is...Sorry if I tug on your arms too much, but you're not really cooperating with me here, princess...Where's you father when you need him, huh?" Danny tugged Amelia's limbs into the clothing, her tiny bare foot being the last one in. "Jesus...What the hell is with these snaps?...Okay here we are...Last one and...Oh, no...How is there an extra one?...Oh, it's not lined up...Well, good enough...If your parents don't like it, they can fix it. Okay, here we go...Snug as a bug in you know what they say...Here we go, yeah. You're a happy girl now, huh, Amelia?" Danny smiled at the baby girl, now that she was calm and content. "Yeah, who's your favorite uncle now, huh?" he asked as he scooped her up and placed her against his shoulder again and went off in search of her pseudo-uncle so that he could hand her off and go scrub his hands under scalding hot water.
Danny was walking out of the bedroom just as Jamie was walking back into the apartment with two pizza boxes and a six pack. "Well it's about damn time!"
Jamie's brows creased in confusion. "What do you mean? I was gone like fifteen minutes," he said on his way to the living room with his brother and daughter tailing behind.
"Do you know what can happen in fifteen minutes?! And your daughter needed you, but I handled it like the pro that I am!" Danny boasted, there was no way he was about to clue his brother in on the panic the chore entailed. "Your buddy, JC, couldn't handle a little diaper action," he ratted out the other man and placed the baby in Jamie's arms as soon as they were free of their dinner.
Jamie studied his daughter; she appeared content but something was different about her and lifted her up to examine the bunched seam of what he noticed was a different footy PJs than the ones she was wearing before he left. "That why Amelia's wearing new clothes? You didn't do the snaps right, Danny."
"Then you figure it out, genius. Isn't that why you went to Harvard?" he fired back as he scrubbed his hands and forearms with soap and hot water. "Besides, I don't think the kid cares."
JC was chuckling at something on his phone as Jamie took a seat on the couch with Amelia, laying her along his lap so he could re-do the snaps on her PJs. "Oh, man...you missed a show, buddy," JC whispered to his friend.
"Show? Did something happen in the game?" Jamie asked while getting Amelia squared away.
"No, man, you missed your brother changing Amelia's diaper...which was really gross, by the way. You might want to change what you're feeding her," JC shared while turning to make sure the other guest was out of earshot and found Danny inspecting his freshly scrubbed fingers at the kitchen sink while muttering under his breath. "I'll show you later," JC promised since they would soon be joined by the older Reagan brother.
Jamie's eyes widened along with his smile as he considered what his buddy was insinuating. "You got video?"
"Oh yeah," JC snickered, but quickly dropped the topic as Danny came strolling into the living room.
Danny leaned over the coffee table and flipped open one of the boxes and tore into the supreme pizza, folding it in half and jamming one end into his mouth. He chewed on his dinner while watching the game for a few moments before noticing that the other two weren't moving, instead they stared intently at the television while trying - but failing - to wipe the smirks off their faces. "What's with you two?"
"Nothing!" the two officers answered in unison which made Danny suspicious, but he was too tired to deal with those two clowns and chose instead to take his beer and pizza and settle back into the comfy glider, but not before using his foot to nudge the matching ottoman back where it belonged. Danny released another long, slow sigh once he was comfortable again.
"Tough day, Danny?" Jamie smirked.
"Like you wouldn't believe," Danny mumbled around another bite, thumping his head against the back of the chair when his Jets fell behind by twenty-one and the Kool-Aid haze began to painfully dissipate.
