DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto.

CONTENT ADVISORY: Contains 'bad words' and descriptions depicting and/or advocating suicide, violence, sadomasochism, sexual activity in a violent context, murder, morbid violence, use of alcohol, homosexuality, more violence, voyeurism, revenge, maiming, gouging, skewering, the undermining of authority figures, lawlessness and human rights violations and/or atrocities…

EXPOSURE WARNING: Exposure to content for extended periods of time and/or during formative years in children (i.e. individuals under the age of 18) may cause delusions, hallucinations, decreases in cognitive and objective reasoning, and—in extreme cases—pathological disorders, hatred, violence, bigotry and (surprise, surprise) more violence again.

You have been warned!

Enjoy.


PART I
CHAPTER THREE
Monster Senseis And Life Lessons

"Three hours late!" Yukio muttered angrily to himself.

He'd been sitting at training ground nine since eight that morning (just as instructed) having painstakingly roused himself from bed and forced himself to leave without a bite to eat (just as instructed). It was currently a quarter to eleven and every inch of Yukio's being wanted to throttle his sensei. Yesterday, Yukio had been content to find he was on the same team as Emi—she was decent at least and not a fangirl—only to have those feelings of contentment crushed when that bastard Nanashi had been put on his team as well not even two seconds later.

By that point, he'd still naively had hope for an awesome jonin sensei.

That hope had gradually diminished an hour into waiting for that teacher to arrive, especially when all of the other graduates and even their chunin instructor had left! Finally, another two hours after that milestone, the door had opened and by this point Yukio had been prepared to throw kunai at whoever was on the other side. It was then that he'd first met his sensei.

Standing in the doorway was a man who by appearances alone had nearly killed any and all hope for the future that Yukio had retained.

The man had been tall with a lean build and pale skin. His hair was incredibly long, hanging to his lower back even when it was pulled up into a ponytail, and was a pale silver colour; meanwhile his eyes were also a distinctive violet colour and seemed way too care-free for a shinobi. Covering the man's torso was a black knee length cloak with a red inner-lining and a high collar that he had unzipped so that Yukio could easily make out the man's straight nose and high cheekbones. However, Yukio could also tell that the man wore no shirt underneath the cloak, only dark grey pants and a pair of black shinobi sandals on his feet, his ankles wrapped tightly with bandages. Finally tied around his neck was a Yugakure headband and what looked like a round pendent with a triangle in the centre.

All in all, the guy could have been intimidating… if it hadn't been for the goofy grin he'd had plastered on his face. He even wore nail polish for god's sake!

Meanwhile, something else about the man eventually caught Yukio's interest during his perusal, rekindling his hope. It was the large scroll slung over the man's right shoulder. It was absolutely huge and probably weighed a tonne. Red and white parchment lined with intricate black writing covered the exterior; Yukio could only imagine what kind of cool weapons the man had stored inside!

However, what had preceded the man's initial entrance had belayed any awe Yukio felt for the man after identifying the scroll—or rather just the scroll itself now. His future sensei had been more childish than his five-year-old adoptive sister as he grinned at them all with that closed eye smile that seemed to scream innocence and goofiness, even with the man's tall figure and potentially scary appearance. He just wasn't that intimidating with that expression on his face, or when he spoke in such a carefree manor.

And his excuses! He honestly expected them to believe that he was three hours late because he'd gotten arrested by accident and it took a while to clear his name?! That was the best he could come up with? He should have just said he couldn't have been bothered to show up on time: it would have saved him the mental strain it obviously took to think up a half-way decent excuse!

And when the introductions came, Yukio was once again let down when his tardy sensei hadn't even taken that seriously. Because, come on! 'Naughty words?' 'Gardening?' What was this guy trying to get at?

By the time 'Hidan-sensei' left, Yukio had been half tempted to march back to the Academy and demand an actual sensei, not the random loser who had stumbled into their classroom and proceeded to bumble through whatever that had just been. Hell, the fact that the guy arrived three hours late should have been indicative enough that the guy was incompetent! Even teacher's-pet Emi and Nanashi the Bastard Extraordinaire™ himself obviously thought so too!

"Do you think he'll even show up?" Yukio wondered aloud, his expression sullen.

"I don't know. He was late yesterday; maybe he's just late again." Emi tried to reason.

"Hn," Nanashi muttered though whether he agreed or not was beyond Yukio. He didn't speak Emo.

Suddenly, there was a whooshing sound and like the day before, Hidan-sensei appeared in a gust of wind and smoke, popping into existence from thin air looking exactly as he had the day before, smile and all. While the man was, as far as Yukio could tell, pretty pitiful as a shinobi, that jutsu did look kind of cool…

"Hello everyone!" He exclaimed enthusiastically, "Sorry I'm so late but I was busy sealing a tailed beast."

"You lie!" Yukio screamed irritably. His excuse was somehow even worse than yesterday!

"Anyway, gather around so I can tell you the purpose of today's lesson." Hidan said, ignoring Yukio's outburst as if he hadn't said a thing.

Realising that there wasn't any real point in continuing the argument, Yukio, like the others, moved in closer until they stood in a semi-circle around their sensei, waiting.

"Alright, today we'll be doing some survival training." Hidan grinned down at them.

"Survival training?" Yukio asked, perking up slightly at the sound of it. Maybe they were going to run some awesome obstacle course of death or track down some evil rogue ninja of death and fight them to the death! It may not beat cool ninjutsu but it would be way better than class work and theory.

"Yup. This will be a test." And as soon as the word 'test' left Hidan-sensei's lips, Yukio's excitement shrivelled. "If you pass, not only will you become genin but you will have also managed to survive, thus survival training!"

"Survive!?" Yukio exclaimed, his dark grey eyes widening in panic. Did that mean they could literally die during a test? Was that even legal?

"Sensei, what do you mean when you said we'd become genin?" Emi chimed in, seemingly less effected by the hinted knowledge that she could die sometime before the day's end. "Aren't we already genin?"

"No, you're not." Hidan said, further shocking poor Yukio and taking great pleasure in it said not-a-genin suspected. "The Academy exams were only really there to weed out the super weak brats and those who couldn't give a damn. The rest of you are only just a little less pathetic so the Genin Exams were created to truly test you."

"What exactly do we have to do?" Nanashi asked in a monotone, finally speaking up for the first time that day. Yukio took a moment to stare at the redhead and Hidan seemed to do the same.

"That's the most you've ever said at once off your own back, isn't it Red?" Hidan asked making Yukio and Emi both snicker. Nanashi groused and glared at the silver haired shinobi in response, seemingly content to ignore his teammates' existences just as usual.

"Anyway," Hidan said, calling attention back to him, "To answer Red's question, each of the jonin sensei devise an exam for their teams. Since you guys were so lucky as to have me as a sensei, I've decided to try a more do-or-die approach; a fight for your lives as shinobi so to speak."

"Who will we fight?" Yukio asked, catching onto his sensei's meaning instantly. Maybe this test wouldn't be so bad. "Rogue ninja? The Yukage?"

"Nah, you don't want to fight that old geezer." Hidan replied, shocking Yukio and the others a bit with his callous referral to the village leader. "Instead, you will all be fighting me! Isn't that great?" Hidan asked, his eyes wide with excitement though Yukio felt only disappointment. They were meant to fight this moron? Three to one?

Suddenly puffing up with glee, Yukio realised that this test of theirs would be easy. As far as Yukio had seen, Hidan was a childish idiot who'd made a rank like jonin by luck or something. The most dangerous thing about him was his annoying habit of being late and his stupid excuses.

"Hn." Nanashi grunted.

"Okay then," Hidan grinned.

Yukio watched as the silver haired jonin reached into his black and red cloak and returned with something small and metallic. In Hidan's deceptively elegant hand was a par of tiny little bells interconnected by a thin piece of pale ribbon. Tinkling chimes filled the air, the bells jostling with even the slightest of movements Hidan made as he dangled them in front of his three students almost tauntingly.

Yukio felt confusion as he gazed at the bells. What could they possibly have to do with a survival test?

"Your objective is to get these bells off of me," Hidan explained.

"But Sensei, there are only two." Emi immediately pointed out.

"Very astute Girly," Hidan nodded, using that same nickname he had the day before Yukio noted. Hopefully he didn't get stuck with an annoying nickname either. "Only two of you will be passing todays test. Those who fail will either be sent back to the academy or… well, let's just say we'll all hope you make it back to the academy. Now, you have until… eh, let's go with midday to get the bells or fail."

Reaching into his cloak once again, Hidan pulled out a stylised bronze alarm clock and absentmindedly set it, twisting the little nobs before nodding to himself. He gently sat the clock down on the grass and tied the bells to his left wrist.

Yukio meanwhile let those words sink in. Glancing to his right at both Emi and Nanashi, he silently wondered if he could beat them to the bells and decided that he was best to stick with what he knew. He'd charge in head on and see how good this 'jonin' really was, that way he was more likely to find a chink in the man's armour and then BAM! He'd have the bells!

"Now one more thing brats," Hidan said, calling Yukio's attention back once more… though this time, there was something inherently different about his sensei. He still wore that same goofy wide grin on his face though. 'What changed?' Yukio silently wondered.

"I've been told there shouldn't be any lasting damage done during this little test of ours. That means no lethal blows, no maiming, no gouging and especially no skewering… sadly." Hidan stated sincerely, looking highly disappointed and deflated as he spoke. Yukio could almost feel Emi relaxing beside him and even he himself felt a lot better after Hidan had said that lethal blows weren't allowed, even if it was kind of obvious… That is until he continued to speak.

"You guys can do whatever the hell you want though." The insane jonin added on, almost like an afterthought but Yukio had caught the jonin's meaning and couldn't seem to focus on anything else.

Yukio was too busy coping with the realisation that his jonin sensei was upset that he wasn't allowed to murder them! Because there wasn't any doubt in Yukio's young mind that Hidan was being serious when he'd used the words 'maiming', 'gouging' and 'skewering'. Nor was his disappointment in the apparent lack of 'maiming', 'gouging' and 'skewering' he was allowed to inflict while fighting them an act. Hidan honestly wouldn't mind, no, he actually seemed more than happy with the idea of murdering them all!

"Come at me with the intent to kill. Go!" Hidan called.

Yukio was having none of it.

He turned and ran, jumping up into the trees and manoeuvring himself through the branches until he found a good perch hidden from view by the plumage. This gave him the duel advantage of a good position for surprise attacks and the monitoring of his foe. Glancing around, he noticed that Emi and Nanashi had also hidden themselves since he couldn't see them in the clearing. Only their sensei remained, standing perfectly still having not moved an inch since he'd said the word 'go'.

Yukio idly wondered what would occur next until, well, it happened.

Nanashi shot out of some bushes not too far away from where Yukio was hidden and flitted across the field with blinding speed. Yukio was slightly jealous as he watched his rival engage their jonin sensei. The Bastard had jumped up and thrown an axe kick at their sensei's chest when Hidan carelessly reached out, grabbed his leg and tossed him back.

Imagine Yukio's surprise when Nanashi didn't just skid back a couple of feet but literally flew through the air and commando rolled across the grass for several meters with wide eyes. Those shocked emerald orbs then narrowed into determined slits. Nanashi scrambled to stand up again, his skin dirtied, grazed and bruised already.

Yukio watched as Nanashi charged again and again and each time he was flung away like a bug. Inwardly, Yukio felt his heart sink further and further with each new skid mark his rival created in the grassy field. Finally, it seemed Nanashi had become frustrated enough to talk.

"Stop looking so bored and fight me! I'm not like anything you've ever seen before." Nanashi seethed as he ran forward one more time, his fist cocked back and ready to cause damage.

"Really Red?" Hidan asked nonchalantly, his face still contorted into the same bored expression he'd taken up around the time of Nanashi's fifth attempt. "Because I can confidently say I have seen someone exactly like you before."

"Let me give you a little warning—it didn't end so good for him." Hidan suddenly grinned as Nanashi came closer and closer. This time though it was a little different, Yukio noticed. This time Hidan's smile was just a little bit… deranged.

Just as Nanashi threw and finally landed a punch on Hidan, the silver haired man exploded into a cloud of smoke.

"It's some sort of clone!" Emi's voice rang out through the clearing having realised just before Yukio and Nanashi what was going on.

"Wind Release: Great Breakthrough (Fūton: Daitoppa)." Hidan's voice rang out through the clearing, making Nanashi freeze.

Suddenly, a loud gushing sound could be heard before Nanashi was swept off of his feet by a monstrous wave of what appeared to be wind, and sent hurling sideways across the training field (even crashing through a tree as he went!) as a result before he finally skidded to a halt curled up on the ground, crumpled as he was. Yukio stared on as Nanashi stayed there, incapacitated and seemingly unable to move mere minutes into the exchange.

In a blur of movement Hidan jumped out from the tree line adjacent to Yukio's position before walking sedately towards Nanashi's prone form. Stopping only to loom over the red-haired boy, Yukio watched frozen as Nanashi flinched upon seemingly recognising Hidan's shadow. Apparently satisfied by the reaction, Hidan turned around to gaze out upon the field where Yukio and Emi still hid. Tilting his head to the side, just as he had the day before, Yukio head a series of cracks from Hidan's neck before the jonin rolled his shoulders and held out his right hand to the side. Yukio was confused (was he signalling them or something?) when Hidan suddenly spoke, his voice raised to a yell.

"UNSEAL!"

There was a popping sound before smoke began to billow out of Hidan's outstretched arm. Yukio watched curiously from his hiding place among the trees as the smoke cleared to reveal a terrifying weapon.

In Hidan's hand was a monstrous looking scythe almost as big as the silver haired jonin was. It had a black handle and three crimson blades that got smaller from top to bottom, giving the scythe a lethal look. Holding the weapon, Yukio decided that indeed his sensei could look scary if he wanted to. Of course he still had that same stupid smile plastered on his face but his eyes, his violet coloured eyes were as hard as diamond as he stared out across the field. His glacial gaze was gleaming with something; whatever it was, it left Yukio too afraid to identify it.

"This is my primary weapon." Hidan proclaimed to the open air, his voice carrying across the training field; Yukio could see Nanashi watching the jonin from his position behind him on the ground, his eyes wide and terrified. Hidan's tone meanwhile was jovial but his own eyes destroyed any effect his childish smile or his easy demeanour may have had. His next words only furthered the terrifying affect his actions had upon Yukio and by the looks of his reaction, Nanashi too. "It's a very versatile weapon and is very hard to use, let alone master. Its main purpose is to wound, not kill, despite its looks. Today, I'm going to show you why I love it so much… intimately."

As soon as those last words left his mouth, Yukio did not envy Nanashi anymore. In fact, Yukio forewent his hiding spot and bolted with only one thought on his mind…

They were all going to die!

Running headlong through the trees, Yukio's whole body felt numb as he jumped from branch to branch in a desperate attempt to escape. Sticking to the foliage, he hoped he was at least a little hidden but that hope froze along with his body when he heard it.

"This cable allows me to further increase the scythe's range by swinging it through the air. Let's test it." Hidan's voice suddenly chimed and it was way too close for Yukio's comfort.

Turning his head, Yukio felt his own eyes widen in horror as he caught sight of Hidan standing several feet below him on the forest floor with his evil-looking scythe almost casually hoisted over his shoulder. He had a maniacal grin on his face, his eyes shining in sadistic glee. Yukio mentally retracted every statement or thought that implied Hidan was an idiot of any kind. He wasn't a moron or even a person—he was some sort of monster!

Noticing the long metal cable sliding out from to the handle end of the scythe just as Hidan had described, Yukio's eyes trailed down the black metal cable until he was staring at Hidan's left hip where seemed to wind itself—Yukio was suddenly given a flash of an Academy lecture on chakra strings and forgot all about it just a quickly. He was too busy trying to guess at what kind of pain that cable would cause should he be hit, let alone the sharp edges of the Triple-Blade at the other end of the scythe.

Catching Yukio's gaze before following it to his scythe, the genin-to-be was not comforted when Hidan's smile shifted to a devious smirk. Slowly, Hidan hefted the large scythe up off of his shoulder and in a smooth movement showing no strain whatsoever, swung the weapon in a downward arc until the tip of the uppermost blade was just above the ground. His cold eyes on Yukio, watching his reaction the genin hopeful guessed, Hidan suddenly let the weapon drop just an inch to make contact with the ground.

A large dent immediately imprinted itself in the earth under the weight of the weapon, thin spider-like cracks splitting the ground under the pressure. Silently, Yukio wondered how such a weighty thing could become airborne, let alone act as a projectile as Hidan had suggested. Hell, Yukio was puzzled at how the jonin could lift the bloody thing!

"As you can guess, it's kind of heavy. Let's see how much that inhibits me, eh, Bandana Boy?"

Letting out a terrified yelp, Yukio jumped back just as the horrific weapon imbedded itself in the tree he'd just been standing in front of. He hadn't even really seen his sensei lift the scythe, only a barely perceived blur of movement and instinct had kept Yukio in one piece. Yukio watched as the scythe twitched before, with a tug on the connecting cable by Hidan, the enormous weapon shot back into the waiting grip of its homicidal master.

Feeling desperate now as his would-be murderer approached, Yukio reached into the pouch strapped to his left thigh and grabbed onto the first thing his hand touched. By this time, Hidan was close enough to Yukio to be only seconds away from killing him so flinging his hand at Hidan, the twelve-year-old hurled a handful of shuriken at the jonin at near point-blank range. To Yukio's horror, Hidan twisted the hand gripping his scythe, raising the cable up to deflect the swarm of shuriken thrown at him.

Hidan came closer and closer, his expression filled to the brim with sadistic glee as he reached forward towards Yukio's shaking form. The blood coloured blades of the man's scythe gleamed and Yukio knew then and there without a doubt in his mind that he was going to-

DING!