Hi, sorry this took me so long. It was really hard and triggering to write.
TRIGGER WARNING: graphic self harm and sexual assault.
Please do not read this if you think you will be triggered, I hope you all stay safe! It's not going to get much darker than this.
Chapter 4: If I had only seen how you smile when you blush.
You'd been in such a strange bubble since your almost-kiss two days ago. You'd been texting Chloe back and forth all day like usual, and she'd been her normal bubbly self, how was your day B? I wish I wasn't busy, so we could get lunch! Go to sleep Mitchell you have a test tomorrow! On the surface it seemed casual and like nothing had changed, and yet to you that was the weirdest fucking thing because things had changed. You were both just ignoring it.
It was driving you insane.
You'd talked about literally everything but the almost-kiss.
Had Chloe freaked out? It wasn't like Chloe to freak out over things like that, but she could've changed in four years. Maybe she'd slowly morphed into you in the time you were apart. Then again, you also hadn't brought it up, so maybe you were the one freaking out and Chloe was just respecting your desire to avoid things again. You didn't feel like you were freaking out, but it was the more likely of the two scenarios.
You had been trying to make the same mix for over two hours when you heard a small knock at the door. You waited for said person to come in but when nothing happened, you sighed dramatically and got up to open it.
It was Chloe.
"Usually you walk straight in, Beale, what's up?" You eyed the hood in Chloe's hand.
The redhead hadn't been in your room since the almost-kiss situation, but it wasn't as awkward as you'd initially feared. You were semi-expecting yourself to stumble on your words and act like an idiot when you next saw her face to face, but you were standing your own. In the two days that had passed since you had seen her in person, you had briefly forgotten your desire to kiss her. But now seeing her in the flesh, at night, in your room, made you want to pin her against the wall and kiss her until you both forgot how to breathe.
You didn't, though.
"I've come to get you for aca-initiation." Chloe's eyes sparkled as she said it. "I'm supposed to put this hood on your head and drag you to a secret location, but I know you get claustrophobic, so we can just walk."
Why was this girl so perfect? You knew you didn't deserve her, not one bit. It's like she'd read the book on Beca Mitchell and had memorised every chapter word for word. Scrap that, Chloe had probably written the damn book.
"Wow, yeah, that wouldn't have been pretty."
You knew what was pretty, though. Chloe was pretty. Chloe Beale pushed up against a wall, with your hands pinning hers above her head, and your face – Yeah, you needed to calm the fuck down.
You closed your laptop and followed Chloe out of your room, trying to shake the very graphic thoughts out of your head. You didn't want to seem like a total pervert every time you saw her from now on, but you'd seen her very, very naked, and you knew what it was like to kiss her. Oh, and the fact you were 100% completely still head over heels in love with her made it very difficult to stay focused.
You weren't sure quite how to act anymore. You didn't know whether to bring it up or ignore it, or just dive right in and try again. You figured maybe you should just get drunk again and see where life took you, it worked all the other times.
Instead, you spent the first two minutes of your walk in complete silence.
"What's actually happening tonight?" You asked, the thick air evident between you. You looked up at Chloe as you spoke, only to catch her already looking at you. You watched her blush but said nothing about it. Internally you were freaking out, in the best way.
"Well, it's gonna be pretty wild." You liked the idea of that. "We'll reveal who else got into the Bellas and then we'll head out to the stadium to drink and sing all night."
"I do like drinking." You smirked, and Chloe just chuckled and shook her head.
"And singing…"
"Sure, and that." You rolled your eyes playfully at her.
Chloe giggled, and her hand grazed against yours in a way that didn't seem completely accidental. You wanted to slap yourself at how 'teenage' you were being about the whole situation. You were both grown ass adults who could take control of their lives, and what was the worst that could happen?
Screw this, you thought as you grabbed Chloe's hand in your own.
You physically felt Chloe smiling without having to look; you imagined it mirrored your own.
You walked in silence, hand in hand, until you reached the gymnasium. It was comfortable, slow and everything you'd wanted since you'd been graced with having Chloe back in your life. Holding back was doing more harm than good to you both, it was easier to just give in.
"We're here."
"I don't want to stop." You spoke up, a sad smile painted onto your face.
"We can continue later." Chloe winked, and just like that everything in your life aligned. "For now, though, I have to put this on your head, but it'll only be for two minutes and I'll be with you the whole time."
Your eager nod suggested you were okay with what was happening, but your audible gulp and sweating palms gave you away. You'd always been like that, and the events of the past few years had only made it worse. By the end of your freshman year of high school, you'd spent sixth months sleeping in your bedroom with the light on and the door wide open, convinced you wouldn't be able to leave if you didn't. The one night you had closed it, you'd descended into madness, having convinced yourself that you couldn't just walk over and open it, or that someone was trapped in the room with you, about to hurt you. It had driven your mother crazy. You were glad it wasn't anywhere near as bad as that now, but it hadn't gone away.
Still, you could do two minutes, right?
The bag was on and already it was suffocating. You felt Chloe grab your hand again and lead you into the room where you could only make out shuffling and indistinguishable whispers of the other girls. It made you anxious. They could be hood-less and staring at you right now, silently laughing and pointing, and you wouldn't know. Still, Chloe's hand in yours reminded you that now was not the time for a breakdown.
You could hear Aubrey removing the hoods off the other girls and prayed yours would come soon. Your breathing was increasing in pace with each passing second, and you felt the hood restrict you more and more. You knew logically it wasn't getting any tighter, and that realistically you could just take it off and be free – but your brain didn't work like that. You felt yourself sweating and almost choked on your own saliva as you swallowed.
You could feel your hands start to shake by your sides, but Chloe was there, tracing slow patterns on the back of your hand until the trembling had stopped.
"And our altos – Fat Amy, Denise, Ashley and Beca."
Your hood came off and the relief was imminent. You felt Chloe bring her fingers up to your face and wipe under your eyes as quickly as she could, removing the smudged makeup. You hadn't even realised you were crying. You hoped no one had noticed. You steadied yourself and took in your surroundings as Chloe gave you a big smile and joined Aubrey at the front.
Your hand felt empty.
A light buzz had settled in your brain as you stumbled down the steps of the stadium, the rest of the newly appointed Bella's running ahead in front of you. You admired their eagerness to join the party and meet the other acapella groups, but you weren't that kind of girl. You stayed back with a soft smile on your face, taking it all in. You'd all had several drinks back in the gymnasium to get you all in the mood, and it was doing the trick. You weren't sure what kind of fancy shit Aubrey had you all drinking, but it had gone straight to your head and left you feeling jittery.
You rolled your eyes as you watched Jesse approach you, climbing over the seats like a maniac. He seemed too drunk to handle a proper conversation, so you politely asked him for another drink before he could make a fool out of himself and get down on one knee for you or something. He winked at you and you rolled your eyes even harder, albeit playfully. Sure, the man was annoying, but watching him trip as he attempted to climb back over the seats, was somewhat endearing. He was sweet to you and you considered him a friend. He clearly hadn't gotten the hint that you were gay as fuck and definitely not into him, but he kept you sane at the radio station when you were stacking CDs and thinking about Chloe. You were almost 100% sure that you spent the majority of your shifts talking about her and how perfect she was. You weren't sure how he hadn't a) thrown something at your head to get you to shut the fuck up, or b) realised that you were completely in love with Chloe and not him. But, it was nice to have a friend.
You snapped out of your thoughts when a familiar face came into view. You smiled back as Chloe grabbed your hands and pulled you close to her, your bodies completely flush against one another. You liked being drunk, but you liked it more when drunk Chloe was next to you. There was always something in the air when you didn't have to think too much about any consequences. You couldn't help but stare down at her lips and smirk when she copied you. You knew it would be so easy to just lean forward.
"What did he want?" Chloe scoffed.
"I don't even know." You laughed at her disdain although inside your heart was pounding. Jealous Chloe was one of the best versions of Chloe. She held you tighter as if she owned you.
"I don't like him."
"You can just say you're jealous you know." You smirked at the light blush spreading eagerly across Chloe's face. You craved this; seeing the effect you had on her without even trying. At times you'd second guess yourself and get paranoid that she didn't like you anymore, but moments like this reminded you that she was just as into it; that she wanted to move forward.
"I'm just really glad that I met you again." Chloe pulled your arms around her waist and you gripped your own wrist behind her back, holding her steady. She swung her arms around your neck and tilted her head to the side, smiling. "We've become such fast friends."
"Are you trying to friendzone me, Beale?"
"Never." Chloe winked, and you swore her eyes turned black. You licked your lips without realising and stared at hers, daring yourself to grab the redhead and drag her back to your dorm, so you could finish what you had started.
"I'm gonna need another drink." You chuckled lightly because alcohol was the only thing that was going to get you through the night without doing something dumb, like confess your undying love.
"You don't always have to drink."
"You're literally drunk right now." You countered, narrowing your eyes and raising an eyebrow in challenge.
"I know but you drink like every day and you're so tiny and little and I worry about you." Chloe's eyes bore into yours, a frown etched onto her face.
"You're literally the tiniest." You squeezed Chloe's waist to prove your point and raised another eyebrow when Chloe sighed in defeat. She went to remove her arms from around your neck, but you kept your arms around her, stopping her from stepping back.
"It's just college, Chlo, it's what people do." You were making a good point.
"I just don't want you to get hurt."
"I don't need you to worry or take care of me, I'm a big girl." You didn't want to sound like a dick, but you also didn't want Chloe to stress out about things that didn't need to be stressed about.
"I'm always going to worry, you're my best friend." Chloe frowned once more and removed your arms from around her body. You rolled your eyes at her actions and watched her step back. You knew you'd been a little heavy on the drinking lately, but it was the only thing that calmed you down. You were so close to a mid-life crisis regarding Chloe and what you wanted to major in, and your plans for LA, and your father. It had been overwhelming you to no end, so you wanted to have a little fun. Only Chloe didn't see it as you having fun all the time, she saw it as 'self-destructive Beca'.
You inwardly groaned because you didn't want to have an argument in front of everybody, especially not while you were both drunk. You wanted it to stay light and happy and fun, like the old Beca and Chloe. You spotted Stacie carrying three drinks in her hand, bringing them back to the group of Bellas still dancing in the middle of the stadium. As gracefully as you could without causing a scene, you snatched two of them out of her hand and downed them both straight after each other.
Stacie looked impressed.
Chloe did not.
You just smirked and took a bow when Stacie clapped for you.
"Was that necessary?" Chloe grabbed you by the arm to steady you, the alcohol already making its way into your bloodstream. You had to admit maybe that was a little too much.
"That was so childish Beca." She had her arms crossed against the chest and her eyebrows furrowed.
"Lighten up, Chlo, we're supposed to be having fun." You winked at her and she rolled her eyes, this time a little more playfully.
"You need to grow up."
"Oh, I've grown up." You wrapped your arms around Chloe's neck this time, bringing your bodies closer. You wiggled your eyebrows at her suggestively as she brought her hands to your lower back, keeping you pressed together.
You watched as Chloe glanced down at your lips and then back up to your eyes. God, you were so turned on.
"Prove it." She whispered onto your face.
That was all the encouragement you needed. You moved your hands from behind her neck to the side of Chloe's face and pulled her towards you, so your lips met. It wasn't as graceful as you'd first intended it to be, due to the alcohol and desire completely clouding your coordination, but it was perfect.
It was everything you'd been waiting for.
Chloe returned the kiss with just as much vigour, her hands grasping at your jacket tightly, pulling you as close to her as physically possible. You smiled into the kiss and could feel her do the same, before you moved your lips against hers roughly, as if you couldn't quite get enough. As if she was about to disappear any second.
One of your hands found its way to Chloe's hair, pulling on it slightly as Chloe's hands moved lower and lower.
The sound of someone wolf-whistling broke you out of your spell. You opened your eyes and stepped back, breathing heavily to get oxygen back to your brain.
Fuck, you had forgotten you were surrounded by people. You hadn't come out to anyone in the Bellas yet considering you'd only just met them this evening. And you certainly hadn't come out to anyone else in college, except maybe Jesse by accident. You started to panic a little, like everyone was staring at you and laughing, like there was a bag over your head and you couldn't escape.
What if someone told your dad.
You didn't even want to think about that because you knew what he'd say. He'd always hated how close you were with Chloe, it freaked him out. And although you didn't care for your father anymore, the thought of him finding you disgusting and abandoning you again was not something you wanted to risk.
So, you ran.
Away from your problems and away from the drunk redhead who was no doubt extremely confused.
You kept running and running until you were out of view of the party, around the corner of a building you vaguely recognized. You leaned your head back against the wall and let out a big breath. It had been less than a minute and already you regretted running away, but you couldn't take it back now. You had panicked, and you were awful when you were panicking. It was like you were a different person, sabotaging your own wants and needs.
"You okay?" You looked up and noticed a tall man standing in front of you, drink in his hand and smirk on his face. You didn't recognize him, but you assumed he was from another acapella group, given the dorky sweater and the over-eager demeanor.
He shoved the drink into your hand and you downed it with no question, gagging as it threatened to come back up almost immediately. You swallowed it back down and thanked him, for the extra confidence boost the alcohol would give you to go back to the party.
You watched the man stare at you.
"Can I help you?"
"What's your name?" He asked, but you frowned and ignored him whilst walking away. You didn't have time for males right now.
"Fine, be like that." The man scoffed, smirking still.
You felt funny.
Not the good kind of funny.
The bad kind, where you couldn't quite feel your legs and you were seeing three of everything when you knew you should only be seeing one. Now you understood why Chloe had told you to slow down and stop drinking; it wasn't necessary. You understood why she was worried, because right now you were worried. You desperately needed to find her before you blacked out.
Only, you weren't 100% sure where you were, and you weren't 100% sure how much time had passed between you running off and now.
You looked around you and noticed the building you were leaning against before. You walked towards it, hoping you'd get some sense of direction, if only your god damn eyes would work.
Before you could reach the wall, something grabbed your waist and winded you, all the air rushing out of your lungs, only to be replaced by fear. You turned around and thought maybe you recognised the stranger as the man who gave you a drink earlier. You closed your eyes for five seconds, hoping that when you opened them, everything would come into focus and you could figure out what the fuck was going on. Right now, you weren't sure which way was up and which was down.
"Remember me?" He brought his face close to your ear and you felt his beard scratch your cheek. He chuckled in a way that sent a cold shiver running down your spine. You didn't know what was happening, but you wanted to leave right now. You'd been in this situation before and you'd been naïve and foolish, and now you needed to be in control.
"Stop dude." You tried to pull his arms from around you, but you could barely feel your limbs, never mind use them to fight. He pushed you against the wall and your head landed hard against the bricks, a heavy ringing settling in your ears.
You couldn't believe this was happening again.
Just stay still, I'm not going to hurt you.
You tried to yell as he brought his mouth to yours angrily, stifling your noise. You turned your head to the side so his mouth landed on your cheek. His grip had moved from your waist to the tops of your arms, his nails digging into your skin.
"Just shut up for a second." His voice wormed its way into your brain.
Before he could kiss you again, you ducked your head under his arm, knocking him backwards, and started to run. After a few seconds, your legs felt heavy and you stumbled and fell to the ground, scraping your knee on the gravel.
You felt strong arms lift you up off the ground and tears openly flowed down your face. You couldn't deal with this again. The first time had completely broken you; ruined you completely.
You felt his hands in your hair and on your neck.
This will feel good I promise.
His hands moved to your chest and under your shirt and you tried so hard to push him away like before, but his grip had tightened. You felt the alcohol rise in your throat, begging to come back out.
God, stop screaming.
"Please stop." You couldn't stop crying, reliving memories that you were trying so hard to forget.
Stop yelling, I'm almost done.
"Please." You were begging as he fumbled with your clothes, trying to pull them loose, his mouth still attacking your face.
Stop moving.
"Stay still." He growled as you kept moving your head out of the way of his mouth.
You started thinking about Chloe, how you wanted her here. You started thinking about your fifteen-year-old self and how you wanted to protect her and everything she'd been through. You started thinking about your now nineteen-year-old self and how you probably deserved this shit, and that's why it kept happening to you.
Only now you wanted to be different, you wanted to be good and perfect and happy for Chloe.
With one final push of whatever strength you could muster, you rammed the glass you were holding into his stomach. You saw him buckle over in pain and found your opportunity to run.
You didn't look back again.
You ran and ran and ran until your legs physically didn't know what to do. The Beca in your brain that was sober and panicked had taken over, allowing you to locate your building and dorm room without being caught again. You thanked God for the extra tight belt you were wearing today before you opened your dorm room and sank to the ground, against the door.
You'd done so much running, your body felt numb.
Tears were flowing down your face. You couldn't breathe. You couldn't stop reliving everything. You hadn't felt fear like that in over three years; the fear of being trapped like that, of being used, of being hurt.
Stop moving or it'll hurt more.
Be quiet, someone will hear you.
You can run but it won't change anything.
You wanted it to stop. You wanted it all to stop. You needed to get rid of the feelings and the thoughts, wash the dirt away. Before you could think, you'd stripped down to your underwear, thankful that you had the room alone for tonight. You could see the bruises on your arms already forming. You could see the scars you'd made from the last time this had happened, only that time had been so much worse.
You still hadn't washed it away.
You walked carefully over to the other side of your room, locating the razor you'd hidden from both yourself and everyone else. You sat on the floor and stared at your legs. There was already blood trickling down your legs from where you'd scraped your knees; you stared at it as it dripped further down your body and eventually landed on the carpet. You'd hate yourself for letting that happen tomorrow when you actually gave a fuck.
You looked at the blade in your hand, turning it slowly between your fingers. It had been so long; you had almost forgotten it was something you did when you were busy during the day, when you were distracted. It was only when you looked at your scars that you remembered.
You knew you'd regret it, you knew what the fear was like when you had to be overly self-aware of your arms and sleeves. It was stressful. You didn't have to do it.
Fuck, you love it.
You had to do it.
You bitch, stop moving.
You had to.
I'll see you around.
You sank the razor into your thigh, dragging the sharp blade against your skin roughly. Beads of red appeared instantly, a sharp contrast to porcelain. You couldn't even focus on what you were doing, your brain still hazy, and your eyes clouded by tears. You couldn't even feel the pain, even when you repeated it three, four, five more times.
You hated that.
You wanted to feel it.
"FUCK." You yelled, throwing the metal across your room and letting your head fall into your hands, a sob falling from your chest.
You'd fucked up.
You woke up in the same position on the floor. You weren't sure how much time had passed but it was still dark outside, and you could hear the remnants of the party somewhere in the distance. The daze had lifted from your brain a little and you managed to stand up to find a bottle of water. You drank it slowly, savouring the soothing effect it had on your throat.
You didn't even want to look at the damage you'd done.
You didn't want to look because you knew you'd want to do it again.
It was addicting.
God, it had been so long and now you'd broken the barrier and you hated yourself for wanting to do it again and again and again until you had no clear skin left. You wanted to watch the blade move and the blood drip until it wouldn't stop, and you got pins and needles. It was a sickness; you were sick.
Instead, you picked up your phone. You had nine missed calls from Chloe, two from Stacie and a bunch of panicked texts. You dialled back and listened to it ring.
"Beca! Where are you? I've been looking for you everywhere! We all have! Are you okay?"
"Chloe, I need you." You burst into tears.
"Becs, shit, what's happened? Where are you?"
"I'm in my room."
"Okay, I'm just outside, I'll be up in two minutes okay, stay right there."
You threw your phone to the other side of your room and sat down on your bed, patiently, not bothering to get up and get changed or fix your face. You knew you couldn't hide anything that had just happened, it was written all over your body. You heard the door open, but you didn't look up, and Chloe didn't make a sound. You're semi-glad the panicking and worry had sobered Chloe up.
"Do you need to go to the hospital?" You shook your head as she took your hand in hers.
"Do you have anything I could use to clean you up?" She tilted her head to the side, a sad smile on her face.
You pointed to a small bag under your desk. Chloe kissed your hand gently before letting go of it and reaching over to grab the bag, emptying its contents onto the floor. You'd become quite used to cleaning yourself up after years and years of fucking up, that you'd had to stock up on bandages and wipes for future incidents. It saved having to sneak downstairs and search through the cabinets at home, risking being caught.
Chloe was silent as she cleaned your leg with the anti-sceptic, slowing down slightly when she noticed you wince in pain. You wanted to laugh at how you didn't feel a single thing when you were ripping your skin, but now you were grimacing in pain at the wipe. You were so fucked up. Once all the blood was cleaned up, your leg didn't even look that bad, and part of you was ashamed of yourself for not doing deeper. You knew you were capable of it.
Chloe placed the gauge and bandages around your thigh, securing it in place with some tape. You were thankful she knew what she was doing, and that she was doing it without shouting at you.
"I haven't done that in over six months." You whispered, disappointed in yourself.
"I'm still proud of you." Chloe lifted your legs, so you lay back on your bed, before climbing next to you. She placed her arm under your neck and you leant into her.
"You shouldn't be, I'm disgusting." You closed your eyes and felt the warmth of Chloe's arms around you, so different to what you'd felt earlier.
"What happened?" Chloe asked, leaning down to kiss you on your head.
"There was a man." You swallowed hard and felt your breathing get deeper. "He trapped me and kept touching me and I just kept getting flashbacks." You whispered so quietly, you weren't even sure Chloe had heard you.
"Flashbacks to what?"
You didn't want to tell her and for her to be disgusted in you for letting it happen and for being stupid. You didn't want her to think differently of you; to treat you like the horrible person you were. You didn't want to say it out loud.
"Freshman year." You shook your head in disgust at the memory. "I'd been dating this guy for a couple of weeks, he was a junior and invited me to a dance." You reached down and grabbed Chloe's hand for comfort.
"It was cute, and I was just happy that someone was giving me attention, but he only wanted one thing. After the dance he dragged me to a hotel and just wouldn't take no for an answer."
"I remember screaming and crying and biting the hand he had over my mouth. I can still feel his hands on me and in me and him laughing in my ear."
Chloe still hadn't said anything, she just gripped your hand tightly and let you get it all out.
"I think after awhile of touching me and listening to me scream, he got bored and realised it wasn't worth all the trouble, so he walked out and left me there."
"We never actually had sex, but it was enough to completely ruin my life and stop me being with anyone ever again. I remember going home and having to get rid of the shame as quick as I could, so I sat on the floor of the shower for over two hours as the water burnt my back."
There was a heavy silence.
"Becs I don't know what to say." Chloe whispered into your hair, kissing it again.
"It's okay, you being here is all I need."
"I'll always be here. I'm sorry I wasn't tonight." You felt her tears fall onto your face.
"You're here now."
The next chapter will be much more lighthearted, but this was necessary so you understand Beca's character more!
Please review!
Also yay they kissed I hope you're happy with that :)
