Wide Awake

Chapter Three: You Have No Faith in Medicine

Is there a way to find the cure for this implanted in a pill
It's just the name upon the bottle, which determines if it will
Is the problem you're allergic to a well familiar name?
Do you have a problem with this one if the results are the same?
- Girl, You Have no Faith in Medicine, The White Stripes

)O(

Robin sat in an alley way, his head resting against a rough, brick wall. The stench of city rain fell on him as he stared at his uniform, shocked by what he saw. There was blood staining its bright colors and Robin couldn't remember where it came from or even if it was his. Over his head, high energy techno pumped from a rave and spilled from the open window several stories up to pooled around his feet. His head was killing him, and his left arm felt dislocated.

The night was a blur of colors and emotions. He remembered getting into a fight with some punks trying to rob a convenience store, but that was nearly four hours ago. He pressed a hand to his head, trying to remember. What had happened between now and then? He heard angry yelling echo in his memory. Twisted and foul. Underneath the sharp vowels he could hear his own voice whisper to him, telling him to stop. Had he…? Sirens sounded in the distance, but Robin didn't have any desire to chase them, he barely acknowledged them.

He struggled to his feet, feeling his ankles give underneath his weight. He toppled back into the wall, but managed to hold himself upright. He was going to be fine, or that was what he kept telling himself. Now, he just needed to get back to the tower, he needed to check in on Raven. She was more important to him than he believed.

Before this whole debacle, she was his companion, his best friend, and his teammate. They were close to each other. But he was realizing she was more than just "close". She grounded him, even in her current state. She kept his own darkness at bay, chained and locked inside his heart. But, the longer she was gone the harder it became to hold on to normalcy. To sanity. His grip slipped every time he looked down at her pale face, lying motionless in the hospital bed.

"You look a little worse for wear."

The tinny voice sounded above him, and Robin stilled as he looked up into the rusty metal of a fire escape, only to see a caricature of a skull staring back at him. Red X. His stomach turned to lead and Robin tried to snarl at him, but the anger didn't quite reach him inside. There was nothing but empty darkness, and that scared him. "What's it to you?"

"Nothing." Red X shrugged and dropped down to the pavement, spinning a diamond the size of a golf ball around his fingers. There was a long, awkward moment as Robin felt Red X's gaze follow him through the alley. "I just never expected to see the great and powerful leader of the Titans hanging out with city rats and garbage. Everything okay, Wonder Boy?"

"Fine." Robin bit out as he felt fire rise into his chest. His neck would be so easy to snap, the bones were delicate and frail. Just the smallest amount of pressure and he would be dead and Robin would be free of him forever. The thought made him ill, in a strange and delightful way. Robin tried to quarantine his thoughts and turned away. He gritted his teeth and took a step back, running into a garbage can. The high pitched scrape hurt his ears and Robin cringed in response. "I'm fine. What are you doing here so late?"

"Late? The night is young my friend." Red X laughed as he continued to play with his catch. The diamond was perfect, and clear catching every particle of light and reflecting it into a thousand colorful beams on the filthy pavement. "Besides, what do I normally do with my life at four o'clock in the morning?"

"Steal jewels and hearts alike?" Robin snarled again and he slid along the wall until there was another foot of space between them. His abdomen twisted in pain and he had the sudden urge to empty his stomach. Robin coughed and managed a few lung-fulls of air before he responded. "Don't you have anything better to do?"

"Nah. Not really. I just saw you making friends with garbage cans and thought I'd come see if you were all right. Call me nice like that." Red X finally put away the precious stone. There was another moment of silence as Red X watched Robin slide along the brick wall towards the exit. Robin bit back another snarl and paused as Red X cocked his head to the side. Robin could feel his curious gaze following his every movement, and his defenses went into overdrive. "You… okay, Wonder Boy?"

"Fine."

"Ah. Yes. I think a blood-soaked uniform and a schizophrenic attitude is pretty normal for you." Red X jumped back up the fire escape, barely making a sound. Robin stared at him as Red X leaned against the railing and watched him shrink to the opening of the alleyway. Robin was almost free. Just a few more steps and he could have pretended this exchange never happened. "Where are the others…? I haven't seen the Little Bird in a while."

Robin stopped, his fingers digging into the brick. He turned up to him and growled low in his throat. The question hit dead-center on his heart. Who was he to question his team? Who was he, a thief, to think that he was somehow privy to his personal life? Robin jumped onto the fire escape, and Red X took a surprised step back, running into the ladder. Good. Keep him pinned. Robin pressed his face close to the mask, flashing a row of bright teeth shinning like fangs in the dingy light. "Why do you ask?"

Red X jumped up the ladder, balancing on one of the middle rungs. He wrapped his arms around the side poles and stared down at Robin like a condescending gargoyle perched on the corner of a church. There was a moment of precarious silence before he replied. "Curious, I guess. I almost miss her and her snide apathy."

"Didn't think you cared." Robin's fingers tightened around a bird-a-rang to the point of bruising. It would take a flick of his wrist, just the tiniest amount of movement, and this conversation would be over. Red X would never speak again, and Robin wouldn't have to be reminded of Raven's current state. "I'll relay the message to her."

"Glad to know." Red X jumped up to the next landing. He stared down at Robin, and for a moment the leader could feel him frowning at him, judging him. Red X gave a half hearted shrug and moved to the ladder. "Well, it's been nice running into you, Wonder Boy. But I've got a winning ticket to cash in on." Without another word or sound, Red X was gone. Robin stood there, feeling the blade of his weapon start to slice through his gloves. He needed to use it, needed to find an outlet. Robin fell to his knees, clutching his head.

He couldn't think like this! He couldn't be… whatever he was now. He'd spent his entire existence trying to do good, trying to uphold everything his parents and his benefactor had taught him. But losing Raven had broken him into so many pieces, that he wasn't sure where all the shards were. His sanity, he knew, was falling out of his grasp and disappearing into the darkness, but he had no idea how to save it. He could protect everyone else in the world, keep them safe from harm. But two people slipped from his fingers, Raven and himself.

Robin stared at the empty street. All the way to the west, dim lights glowed from Titan tower. It was like a beacon of goodness and justice rising out of the sea, some kind of twisted ivory tower. His stomach churned as he turned away from the familiar structure. This decision was for him, no one else. He couldn't rely on anyone else anymore. Robin dropped down to the pavement and stared at his slashed glove. A few drops of blood spilled out and splashed into the putrid puddles at his feet. Robin pulled off his gloves and his cape, and threw them into one of the trash cans. There they would stay.

He stepped onto the street, but he didn't head west or even east. Instead he turned south, where no one would find him.

)O(

Red X stared at Starfire with suspicion growing in his chest. She'd been silent this visit. She wasn't normally Chatty Cathy, he didn't expect that out of her, but she usually talked about memories with Raven, or how the team was coping with their loss. Every now and then he would have to sit through a ragged retelling of one of Beast Boy's awful jokes. But today, there was nothing. Not even a peep of "hello". This wasn't the first time though, the whole week she'd been silent, thinking about something only she knew.

Red X glanced down at Raven's lifeless form, trying to remember how long she'd been like this… it was almost a season now. Three months. Winter had just whispered the first white dust across the city, and colorful lights were being hung in almost every window. If he strained his ears, he could hear the echo of bright Christmas carols being pumped from the shopping district across the bay. It seemed like forever had passed since the first day he found her mirror. His nights were peppered with shrieks of terror and pain. Sometimes he heard her weeping in agony. Strangely, the silver frame had been silent since Sunday, the same day as the alien in front of him. He wondered if they were connected in some way.

Starfire sniffled, as if she'd been crying. Red X sighed and began to wonder why he was still here, why he still looked after Raven. She shouldn't have been any of his concern, but there was still some part of him that did good things, no matter how asinine they may seem. He glanced over at Starfire, who was pressing a tissue to her nose. Poor girl. She spent all day and night next to her friend's bed, confused, hurt, and unable to understand what was happening to Raven. Although Red X wasn't much better, he could be out wooing young, beautiful women and instead he was staring at a comatose demon with an emotional wreck of an alien crying next to him.

He needed to break the silence before he went insane. He needed some semblance of normalcy. "So… Christmas is a month away." Red X didn't know what made him choose that topic. He hated Christmas, hated talking about it, hated thinking about it, hated the idea of it. But, Christmas seemed a neutral enough, something to keep Starfire's mind in the present. "Are you getting together with the Titans East again?"

Starfire frowned. Finally, a reaction. "How did you know about that?"

"Word travels." The truth was, that Red X had spied on that party last year, out of curiosity of what superheroes did for holidays. It was an experience he wanted to forget. Putting it simply: Beast Boy plus eggnog did not equal a pleasant outcome. Red X leaned back in his chair, trying to read her expression, but her face was hidden by a curtain of fire-red hair. He frowned at the continued silence, time to provoke her some more. "I also heard a very funny story about you and Aqualad caught under the mistletoe."

"Mm." Her face flared pink for a few seconds, but she stayed silent.

"Starfire, sitting around and moping isn't going to fix anything." Red X crossed his arms over his chest and stared at her. Anger flashed across her features and she glared at him, but he just shrugged it off. At least she was responsive. "Raven would be mad at you for mourning her loss."

"I am not mourning her loss." For a moment, he was a glitter of green appeared at her fingertips. Starbolts. Oh shit, he'd made her really angry. Red X jumped up and took a step back as she rose to her feet. "You should not speak of things you do not understand, Red X. There is a lot that goes on behind closed doors that is none of your… your damn business."

Red X threw his hands up in defense and stepped away from energy gathering around her. "Don't be angry, I'm just saying that moping around here isn't going to fix everything… Raven would want you to be happy, enjoy the world you live in now, not wait for her return." He glanced down at Raven, whose only response was the steady intake of breath. Something didn't seem right and he looked back at Starfire, who nearly had smoke coming out of her ears. "You are never this angry, Starfire, what's wrong? What happened?"

"Nothing." Starfire frowned and the sparks at her fingertips dissipated. She let out a short sob and sniffled before the waterworks started. Damnit. Now he was obligated to comfort her and Red X hadn't comforted anyone in years. He patted her shoulder with uncomfortable awkwardness and muttered some stock phrase like "it's going to be all right." What did he know? He wasn't even sure what made the alien cry. Hell, ten seconds ago he wasn't even sure aliens could cry. Starfire let out another sob and threw herself into his arms. This day was just getting better and better. "This is just terrible."

Red X rolled his eyes behind his mask. "That's for sure." He stared down at her head, buried in his chest, shaking with her tears. A little piece of goodness rose up inside him and it took every effort to squash it. Let's not get carried away now, Starfire was sweet enough, but Red X didn't comfort anyone, no matter how distraught. He tried to pull his arms free, but her alien strength (even powerless) kept him bound. "Starfire, pull yourself together. Everything isn't terrible… I don't even know what you're crying about."

"Robin is gone!" She sobbed again, squeezing Red X to the point where he was almost sure he heard a rib or two snap. She was going to puncture a lung if he wasn't careful. "He's been gone all week and it's terrible! No one can find him! He didn't say anything to any one of us and I don't know what to do! I feel like…" Starfire took a slow, shaky breath as her grip on Red X loosened, and he managed to grab a breath of air. "I feel like everything is disintegrating around me." She let Red X go and took a step back, her face red with embarrassment. "I'm sorry, Red X, I didn't mean to overreact it's just… well, you're the closest thing I have to a friend right now."

Shit. Red X cringed at the word "friend". His curiosity had captured him in the lion's den of goodness and justice and all that "golden rule" crap. Now, Starfire was clinging to him like a small child, and all he wanted to do was find out what was happening to Raven. Stupid curiosity. How did this happen to him? How? "Look, Starfire… I'm flattered you think we're close and all… but what about Beast Boy and Cyborg? They're your friends too. I'm sure they would understand how you feel and why… but I'm just a thief."

"They are… angry, upset that Robin left us when we need him the most…" Starfire glanced back at Raven, frowning at the sight. "Raven held us together. We all played a very vital part of our group, and with one of us gone… we fall apart. Robin was becoming something different without Raven, something we didn't understand. I lost my powers. Cyborg turned bitter… it happened because one of us went missing. Because we lost without warning." Starfire's voice had dropped to a low whisper and she returned to her seat.

Red X knew that speech wasn't for him, it was for her. She was talking out her feelings, her misunderstandings, and her loss. Starfire was trying to make sense out of this seemingly senseless event. Raven was gone, and everything Starfire knew and understood to be solid and unchanging, had changed. Her best friend had left her, her leader had left her, and now her teammates were closing in on themselves. It was a wonder Starfire didn't break down herself.

"I'm confused and frustrated, and the few people I counted on to make sense of everything… are gone. Raven is locked inside her own mind, and Robin has disappeared. Where else do I have to go?" Starfire sighed and stood up again, this time going to the open window. She stared into the stars. "I'm going home."

Red X blinked at the statement, shocked. She couldn't go home, that would defeat the whole purpose of being a team. But he felt her resolve, and knew there wasn't a whole lot he could do to stop her. He could at least try. Red X walked over to where she stood and took her hand. "Starfire, you are home. You're friends are here. Raven will pull through this and every one will go find Robin and you'll be back together again like nothing happened." Oh, gross. This sickly-sweet sugar coating was making Red X sick to his stomach. She better appreciate everything he did for her.

"I am returning to Tamaran." Starfire blinked a few times, staring at Red X's masked face.

He didn't know what to say to her. What was there to say? That he was sorry for her loss? What kind of cheap bullshit was that? For a brief moment he wondered if he should relay the encounter he had with Robin some nights ago. That dark, deranged look in Robin's eyes. As if he had seen or done things he wanted to forget. Red X tried to push the memory from his thoughts, Starfire didn't need to be reminded of him or what he could have become. Red X shifted his weight and shook his head. "And is this what you think is best?"

"I will not be gone forever, I love this world too much." Starfire frowned and fidgeted with her hair for a moment. Red X could see the war inside her, as if she was regretting the decision she just made. He watched her, refusing to say anything, he was pretty sure she was one wrong word away from another monsoon of tears. "I just need to… recollect myself? To remember what I am here for. To remember that this will pass. Here, surrounded by broken friendships and loose ends, it is hard to remember what I need."

Red X cocked his head to the side. For being such a ditz, this girl was damned smart. "So, you're going back home to your planet?" She nodded, her eyes solemn. "When are you leaving? And what happens if Raven wakes up, looking for her best friend, only to find herself friendless and leaderless?" Ugh, this righteous talk was making him ill. He needed to crawl inside a whiskey bottle with a couple of women to wash the stench off him.

Starfire looked at him blankly, as if he had just asked a silly question. Oh no. Not good. He got a strange, sinking feeling in his stomach even before she spoke. "She is not friendless, Red X. You have been here just as much as I have, watching over Raven. She will wake up and you will help her put our team back together. Are you not her friend as well?"

There was a moment of cold shock before anger rose up into his chest and Red X started for the window, his escape route. How dare she put this weight on his shoulders? How dare she make him feel like he was supposed to be good? He was a thief, rotten to the core and proud of it. Nothing, not even a red-headed alien with innocence abound, would save him. He pointed a finger at her. "Don't you dare do this, Starfire. I came here out of curiosity. Out of pity. I didn't come with some grandiose ideas of saving my enemies and switching sides. I am a thief first and foremost." He swung one leg over the edge of the window, readying for escape.

"Then why do you keep coming back? Your curiosity was fulfilled that first night." Starfire frowned, but made no other indication of her feelings. "You didn't have to come back. You didn't have to sit here and mourn her loss with me. But you did, and I took that as a sign of friendship."

"You were mistaken, Starfire." Red X growled low in his throat and swung the other leg out the window. "Go home. I couldn't care less if I tried." And he let himself fall back to earth, pretending not to hear the angry sob erupting from her mouth. Let her cry, he was a thief with money for blood. He was just curious, and he'd gotten his fix. Let her leave and wallow in her self-doubt. Tomorrow he would get up, sell that stupid mirror, and be done with the whole debacle.

But that tomorrow never came.

)O(

So, there it is, Chapter Three. Sorry, it too so long to get out. I was wrestling with how to proceed from the last chapter. I hope you enjoyed it and let me know how you feel about it. And, as always, a huge THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed, but especially to XSlivaStarX who was kind enough to let me twist her story, Nightingale. I feel like I'm just not doing it justice.

With love always: Xaph!