Keep an open mind. Things are about to get interesting from here on out.
January 1, 2006
12:45 A.M.
It is officially a new year, which means I can leave all of my baggage behind.. but it's hard to do that when you have a constant living, breathing reminder of every disappointing, cruel, disgusting thing you've ever done.
Not that that reminder is completely all bad. There's a lot of great memories that come with it.
January 1, 1996
1:23 A.M.
Christian sat stoicly, his jaw as tight as the edge of a knife, a half-empty champagne flute in one hand, a party horn in the other, and a silly party hat sitting ontop his head. He looked at all the people scattered around his family's living room - there were his parents' co-workers, a small group of family members, some of Ana and Elliot's friends, and one of his mother's only close friends - Mrs. Lincoln.
He watched her from afar, his heart speeding up and his blood coursing through his veins. He gritted his teeth even harder. He was upset at the fact this parents forced him to come to this gathering in the first place, but the fact that Mrs. Lincoln, or known to him as Mistress Elena, was here just put the cherry on top of his already shitty day.
They still had their arrangement, but were on a mild break. He pushed away the thoughts of what happened - the beating.. the gruesome, tongue-biting beating that transpired after what he said.. He shook his head. He should've known better.
Love really is for fools..
He was crazy to even think that someone could love him.. Or that he was even capable of loving anyone in the first place. He was sick, both in mind and spirit. Nobody would willing want that.
But then he thought about her reaction. She yelled, her eyes blazing with fury. She punished him that day. Punished him so badly that he bled, his skin cracking open from the impact of the assortment of instruments she hit him with. His skin was black and blue, his body so exhausted and mistreated that it was hard to walk.
He hated to admit it.. But he cried after the incident. She made him feel like he was three again.. And he hated her for it. He hated that she put him in that position.. But yet he couldn't stop seeing her. He didn't want to stop seeing her, for whatever twisted reason, his heart and mind couldn't stop wanting her.
Was it love?
"No," he heard a bell-like voice respond. It shook him out of his thoughts - had he said that aloud? "You cannot have as much fun as you're having right now, Christian. It's illegal," Ana said sarcastically, sliding onto his lap. She took his half empty champage flute and emptied the contents into her own.
He rolled his eyes at her.
"Can you at least pretend you're having fun?" She demanded, squinting her eyes at him. She took a sip from her glass, she scrunched up her face. "Who bought this? It's so cheap," she whispered to herself, but still decided to drink the rest anyway.
"I am having fun," Christian gritted out. "This is my fun face."
She sucked her teeth, frowning at his petulant attitude.
"Okay, suit yourself."
Christian turned to look at her - really look at her - for the first time that night. She looked.. completely different from the Ana that he knew, or at least thought he knew. She wasn't the awkward pre-teen that he saw her as for the past two and half years. She looked.. like a woman.
And suddenly, he felt uncomfortable.
He slid Ana off of his lap, taking a deep breath. She quirked an eyebrow.
"Did I say something, or..." She trailed off, confused by his sudden movement.
"No.. I.. Just got dizzy," he lied.
"Maybe you're suffocating from the stick you have lodged up your ass," she mumbled, leaning her head back to empty her glass.
He grimaced.
"Watch your mouth," he scolded. "And slow down, you're still a kid," he added, taking the drink away from her. As he said it, he wasn't sure whether he was trying to convince her or himself.
Ana stood naked, scrutinizing her body in the mirror. She was less than pleased, but it was definitely a step-up from how she used to look. She shuddered as she thought about her appearance when she was thirteen - literally, she thought that was the worst year of her life. She had pimples and no matter how much she washed her hair, it was still greasy. But now, she looked.. Decent. Pretty even, if she thought about it. She wasn't one of those self-absorbed girls who thought they were goddesses on Earth, so pretty to her was much different than other people's standards.
Some people would go so far as to call her beautiful - but that, she didn't believe.
The florescent light highlighted every part of her body. Her skin was pale and smooth, the winter taking it's toll on her annual summer-tanned skin. No longer was she a luscious bronze, but was a smooth ivory color, the blood in her cheeks showing even brighter against her alabaster skin.
Her hair cascaded around her shoulders, the brown waves looking shiny and bouncy, the never-ending grease that plagued her in her younger years seeming to have faded. As her eyes traveled downwards, she took a moment to linger on her breasts. She pursed her lips. She could still improve in that area. They were barely even a handful, but at least she didn't look like a little boy anymore. Two years ago her chest was as flat as a board; However, she still couldn't celebrate too much in her small victory - compared to Kate and the other girls, her breasts were practically nonexistent.
She pushed away her bitter thoughts and grazed down even further. Her stomach was flat and toned - just as it always was. She had a naturally high metabolism and weight was never really a problem for her. Plus, she liked to stay active with her oldest brother, Elliot. That boy really loved his rock-climbing.
She kept her eyes moving, stopping at her most intimate place. Her cheeks flushed. She wasn't sure how to feel about that part. She had heard a few boys talking about what girls looked like naked during gym and what they were saying worried her.
Apparently, vagina's were supposed to be hairless and bright pink... And tight? She didn't even know what the last one was supposed to mean. She frowned as she looked at down. What she saw.. Was none of that. At least not to her eyes. She sighed.
Boys are stupid.. What do they know?
Yet, she couldn't stop thinking about it. She tossed and turned, the stupid words of those boys plaguing her mind. She could have asked her mom about it, but then she would freak out and give her the sex talk - once again. And she wouldn't even be honest. She could hear her now..
Every part of a woman is beautiful, Ana. Embrace your flaws and physical attributes.
She rolled her eyes. No, she didn't want it sugarcoated. She wanted the raw truth - she wanted to know what guy's liked.
No you don't, her thoughts hissed at her. You want to know what one guy likes..
She swallowed, turning her body again, ignoring her subconscious. She couldn't ask her father either. She's pretty sure the only vagina he's seen is her mother's. So, that left three people - Kate, Elliot, or Christian.
She almost laughed out loud when she thought of asking Elliot. It was just way too weird - she knows the reputation of her brother and she was sure he would just go into detail that she really did not want to know.. i.e. his sexual history.
Then there was Kate, but what would Kate know? If it was a question about penises, then yeah, Ana was almost quite sure Kate could answer that.. But this was about girl parts. Her friends never really talked about it - they were too embarrassed, and her school absolutely refused to. They put stickers on the diagrams of female sexual reproduction organs, while the pictures of the males lay uncovered. Surprisingly, no parents complained about it. Maybe that's why there was so much sex going on in her school. Everyone wanted to see it up close.
So that left one person: Christian. Her heart accelerated. What would he say? Would he yell at her, or think she was weird? Or maybe he wouldn't even know. He's never had a girlfriend...
But then again, you don't need a girlfriend to be experienced.
Ana slipped out of her bedroom, slowly making her way down the hall to Christian's room. It was late at night-almost midnight, so she was sure he was asleep. She opened the door softly, trying to avoid making the door creak.
Christian was laying on his side, his back facing her and his front facing the window. The moonlight shown on his face, making him look even more angelic than he already did on an everyday basis. At this moment he looked so.. Peaceful. Not like the angry, tense, self-absorbed person she grew to love and tolerate. Looking at him like this was so.. Gratifying. If only he could feel at ease when he was awake.
She hated having to wake him up, but she slowly climbed next to him, softly shaking his shoulders.
"Christian," she whispered.
He didn't budge. She rolled her eyes. Now he chooses to be a heavy sleeper.
"Christian," she said a little louder, shaking him rougher than before.
He stirred, but his eyes didn't open an inch. She groaned, then climbed onto his hip, her legs straddling the sides of his sleeping form.
"Christian!" She demanded, whining this time.
His eyes snapped open, the two orbs wide and more alert than they should be for someone who just woke up. He scratched his head, frowning at Ana.
"Oh no, the boogeyman," he whispered, mock-scared. He turned onto his other side, placing Ana beside him. "What are you doing? If you're scared because you went to go see Scream, then that's on you, I told you not to sneak in the movie theat-"
"No, it's not about that," She whispered, cutting him off. "I have a question."
"And it couldn't have waited until morning?" He asked, perching his head on his hand to face her.
"It kept me up.. I couldn't sleep," she admitted, twirling a piece of her hair. She felt kind of silly now for even thinking to ask Christian. He intimidated her. He always had.
He sighed. "Alright, then shoot. I'm dying to know what could be so important," he responded as he plopped back onto his pillows.
"Christian.." She started, trying to muster up the guts to ask him such an awkward question, "Are you a.. Virgin?" She blurted out, so quick that a few words got squished together. Her cheeks promptly flushed after have muttering such a god-awful question.
He quirked an eyebrow. "That's what was keeping you up?"
"No," She frowned. He made her seem like a pervert. "I'm just curious about.. things. Boys were talking.."
He turned around quickly, sitting up. "About what? Being with you?" He stuttered, his eyes burning bright.
"No, not exactly. About girls in general. What they look like.. down there."
He furrowed his eyebrows. "What are you asking me?"
She closed her eyes and in that moment wanted to die. God, she could've just went to the public library and checked out a book on sexual organs. It would have definitely been less embarrassing than this.
"What do girls look like down there?"
He laughed. "Okay, go get a pocket mirror, then place one foot on top the bathtub. Place the mirror underneath-"
She groaned and rolled her eyes. "I know what I look like, I'm asking what do guys want? Is it supposed to be shaved, or tight?-"
"What could of knuckle-head boys have you been talking to?" He screeched, glaring at her.
"Shh! You'll wake up mom and dad."
"First of all, I doubt any of those idiot assholes even have experience-"
"Do you?"
"What?"
"Do you have experience? I think that was my original question.." She mumbled.
He bit his lip. "That's none of your business, Ana.."
Her stomach dropped. She looked down, focusing on his bed sheets. Her head was swimming and her eyes pricked. No answer automatically means a yes. She was so stupid. Of course he had experience, look at him! But for some reason she really hoped he was going to say no. She shook her head, she has no reason to even feel.. upset. It's not like he was committed to someone else, although that's what it felt like in her mind.
"Who was it?" She asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but instead sounding hopelessly bitter.
"Nobody important," he spat out. Ana raised an eyebrow at his tone, but he didn't divulge any further.
"Oh..." she lied down onto her back, folding her hands across her chest. "What's it like?"
He lied down next to her, mirroring her position. "Exactly how they make it look in the movies. The x-rated ones, not the Pg-13 versions." Ana grimaced at his words. "Well.. at least physically," he said.
Her eyes pricked even further.
"So what about emotionally?" She asked, swallowing down her feelings of hurt.
"I wouldn't know."
She frowned. "What do you mean?"
He sighed. "It's hard to explain.. But don't get your hopes up. It's not all hearts and flowers.. It's just fucking," he gritted out, his tone changing to something more sinister.
"That's not true.." she whispered.
His eyes widened, looking apprehensive. "And how would you know?" He asked, cautiously.
"I don't.. Not for sure.. But I know that there has to be more to it than that.. Or nobody would get into relationships. There's just something so spiritual about connecting with someone in that way. It's the closest you could possibly be to anyone. It's like your souls connect and there's nothing else in the world but you and that person... It's supposed to be beautiful," She whispered, her voice fading away slowly.
Christian was silent, his face impassive. He thought about her words.. And suddenly felt sick. Why did what she said feel.. So right but at the same time so wrong? It made his head swim.. He felt something he couldn't put his finger on.. But it felt similar to regret.
"I hope that's true," he whispered, "And I hope that's exactly how you feel when it's your time. Just promise to.. wait for the right person," he asked, his voice sounding desperate.
"Who's the right person?" She asked, feeling hopeless. She was pretty sure she could never feel that with anyone.. Who was available. "No one's interested."
"Good," he blurted out, then regretted his choice of words. "I mean, that's good for right now. You're young.. But just wait. The right person could be closer than you think."
There's a long silence as they both stare at the ceiling, not thinking any particular thoughts. They just breathe, their bodies next to each other, their hands folded across their chests.
Thanks for the support. Review.
-XoXo
