James Potter didn't really believe that it was easy to fall in love. He hated all the little kids walking around claiming they were 'in love.' Thirteen year olds for gods' sake, walking around talking about the future and how they were in love and all this rubbish. It irritated him beyond belief. He wouldn't believe Frank when he said he was in love but kept his mouth shut, telling himself they'd probably be over within a few weeks. Of course that had been three years ago and now even he was willing to believe that they were in love but he was still reluctant. He didn't know why. It was probably because the whole thing scared the crap out of him. Love? They were teenagers for gods' sake. Weren't they supposed to be changing? Weren't they still trying to decide who they were? How could they fall in love? Sure at one point he had confessed to Sirius that he was in love with Lily Evans but, he reasoned with himself after that, he had just been emotionally drained that day, weak and vulnerable and was trying to find a plausible reason as to why he would go through all of this for a girl. It wasn't true. It couldn't be true and he was completely sure of this fact until he woke up one day about a month after Lily and Michael broke up and suddenly his mind was ringing with Lily, everything that was Lily and the repeated thought that maybe, just maybe, he could be in love with her. It didn't happen the way he thought it would. He thought if he ever fell in love he would realise it as he was talking with someone, he would notice how much he loved their hair, how much he loved their eyes, and then he'd know. But of course he already knew how beautiful Lily was, he already knew all the things he loved about her. He just never thought he'd randomly wake up one morning and know.

He lay there for a few minutes, trying to clear his head but soon gave up and got up, chucking a pillow at Sirius' head to wake him up.

James is in love, James is in love, James is in love, came an incessant voice that sounded a lot like Sirius, taunting him as he dragged himself to the bathroom and splashed ice cold water on his face in an attempt to make himself wake up.

James loves Lily, James loves Lily,

"I do not," he grumbled angrily, shoving a toothbrush into his mouth and brushing more aggressively than was needed.

You do.

"Not."

Yes.

"No!"

He flung his arms up and covered his face with his hands, letting out a stream of colour swear words.

"Why now? Why do I have to start being a little sappy pansy now?!"

"You've always been a pansy now get out of the bathroom!"

James froze and looked around in confusion. That was definitely out loud.

"James! I need to pee!"

He spun around and looked at the door. Oh. He swung the door open and stared at Sirius who was looking at him, confused.

"Sirius."

His friend nodded slowly, probably wondering why James was acting so weird.

"James...I need to pee."

James breathed in deep and nodded, suddenly nervous as if Sirius could hear the annoying thoughts of Lily Evans swimming around his head.

"Right. Um..."

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"So...get out James."

He nodded again and stepped out of the bathroom, shaking his head a little in an effort to start thinking properly. Stop it James, he thought, stop being such a little girl. Stop thinking about Lily. Stop thinking about her hair. And no! Stop thinking about her eyes. Stop it.

Sirius turned and gave James a quizzical look.

"James. You alright?"

He looked at the floor and then at his best friend and then back at the floor.

"I don't know."

Another raised eyebrow.

"Lily?"

James gulped; his eyes still on the ground.

"Yeah."

Sirius nodded and they both stood there uncomfortably for a few seconds before Sirius cleared his throat.

"Well I guess then..."

James looked up and nearly burst out laughing at the sight of his best friend trying to come up with reasonable advice to give him about a girl he was probably in love with. Eventually Sirius just swung the door shut with one last look at him and James grabbed his robes, swallowing.

James is in love with Lily, came the voice again, and he can't even admit it.

"I'd admit it if it were true." He grumbled, "I had a crush on the girl and now I don't."

Right, so you'd just beat the living crap out of somebody for just anybody would you? And you even told Sirius that night that you were in love with her. What happened to that?

James sighed and ran his hands through his hair, his heart pumping as he thought of the night he had beat up Michael, the raging anger in his veins as he hit somebody in a way he'd never even imagined hitting someone before.

"She's my friend."

Who you want to be with. How very cliché of you James. Now go do something about it.

"No."

You absolute girl.

"Thank you,"

He pulled on his sock and tied his shoes, his jaw clenched. Looking around it seemed Remus and Peter had already left. Sirius would be a while. James looked back at the bathroom door and decided to wait, not particularly looking forward to walking into the Great Hall and having to talk to Lily like a normal person and pretend he wasn't arguing with himself silently. He sat down on his bed and waited, sifting through his school bag in an effort to keep himself busy.

So, his mind apparently wasn't going to let him be that easily distracted, let's review the plan shall we? You're never ever going to tell Lily that you love her.

"Correct. And I don't love her."

And then you'll spend the rest of your friendship beating up her rotten boyfriends for her while pretending it's simply because you're such a good person. And then the years will pass and you two will still be good friends while you suffer with your unrequited love.

"I'm not suffering," James whispered angrily, stuffing an extra quill into his bag and wishing he could have five seconds of quiet.

Oh but you will be. And then one day she'll get a boyfriend James. And he won't be so rotten. In fact he'll be a pretty nice guy but you'll just pretend that he's actually a bastard because you can't deal with your jealousy issues.

"I do not have jealousy issues."

And then she'll tell you how well it's going with him all the time and you'll pretend to be happy for her. You might even try and date some other girls but it'll never work out because you'll spend all of your time trying to replace their face and voice with Lily's face and voice.

James frowned. He doubted he'd ever be that creepy and desperate...would he?

And then you'll start to think that maybe everything's going okay and you've dealt with all of it pretty well until that fateful day when Lily Evans, the girl you've been in love with since you were twelve years old –

"Twelve year olds don't fall in love." James grumbled.

Oh don't give me that crap James, age has nothing to do with it. If you're in love you're in love, it doesn't matter if you're twelve or sixty. Anyway, then Lily will turn around and tell you, with this really bright smile on her face, that she, the little girl you've known since you were eleven, the girl who makes you jealous, the girl who makes you feel ignored, the first girl to make you apologise, the first girl you ever complimented, no matter how pathetically, well that girl will turn around and tell you she's getting married.

James felt his body stiffen and suddenly he was racing out of the door, tired of the lonely dormitory where the only sounds were him arguing with his own brain and the shower running next door.

And then you'll watch her walk down the aisle.

"Shut up," James said forcefully, scaring a bunch of timid first years who were just walking out of their dormitory, "shut up, shut up."

And you'll watch her say 'I do' to some guy who admittedly is pretty cool and nice but who would never ever love her half as much as you do.

James raced out of the portrait hole and into the raging crowd of students on their way to breakfast. All around him were people yelling and calling to their friends and laughing and making as much noise as possible but still the loudest thing he could hear was his own mind, taunting him.

And then you'll watch as she grows old with this guy and has kids who call you 'Uncle James' and maybe you'll settle down with some random woman but the 'what if' will always be there won't it? What if you stopped being such a little coward and just tried, one last time, to get the girl you want instead of sitting back and letting all of that happen to you? What if you asked her out one last time? What if she said yes? What if, what if, what if. But you'll never ever know if you don't try and you'll end up living in regret and that, my dear boy, is the worst way to live.

"Shut up!" James barked, his hands now curled into fists and his body stiff.

A group of second year girls turned around in surprise and stared at him for a few seconds but he ignored them, racing past the throng of kids and out into the Entrance Hall.

"James!"

James turned hesitantly, cursing his luck. Lily Evans came rushing towards him, her wild red hair in a sloppy ponytail and a sweet smile on her lips. He gulped.

"Hey Lily," he managed to choke out. He forced a smile on his face, gulping.

She smiled even wider and walked with him to the Great Hall, chattering on about something or the other that he was vaguely listening to.

Do it now.

James glared at the ground, wishing it would just swallow him right then and there.

Come on. Hogsmeade, ask her to Hogsmeade.

They made it to the Gryffindor table and James sat down shakily next to Lily, wishing that there was more room on the benches. They all had to sit so close together, he mused, staring at the girl right next to him.

Oh don't be a little girl James, just do it.

She looked up just as he was about to look away and caught his eye, her bright green eyes sparkling. She was always so happy in the mornings.

The voice in his head scoffed.

Her eyes are sparkling are they Jamesie? Tell me, when did you grow a vagina?

This made him choke slightly on the piece of toast he had forced into his mouth, earning himself a concerned look from Lily that he probably would have killed a year ago.

"Are you okay?" she said, placing a hand on his back. He let out a small squeak and turned back to his toast, bright red now.

I did not just squeak, I did not just squeak, he thought to himself.

You did.

"Shut up," he whispered.

Lily frowned.

"I um...I didn't say anything."

He looked back at her, unaware that he had spoken out loud. After a few seconds he forced himself to speak.

"I know...I was talking to um...myself."

She raised her eyebrows and he felt the last of his dignity fly away. Oh lord, he thought, she thinks I'm insane. Of course she does, I just told her I talk to myself. Seriously, where's Voldemort where you need him? Just end the misery now, please.

"Why were you telling yourself to shut up?" She said, smiling uncertainly.

James shook his head and coughed uncomfortably, his face still burning.

What the hell happened to the smooth Quidditch Captain, he thought furiously.

"Well...um...it's kind of hard to explain, I just, I keep hearing this voice in my head and it keeps...saying things and...yeah,"

Lily giggled and nodded slowly, as if unsure as to whether or not he was being serious or not.

"Um...okay well what's it saying?"

He stared down at her and wondered whether or not he should just tell her. It was inevitable, he was going to have to say something to her or the voice in his head would drive him insane. Finally, he took a deep breath and opened his mouth unsurely, his heart thumping rapidly.

"James!"

He faltered and looked back at his toast as Remus and Peter spotted him and came to sit by the two of them. Maybe later, he thought, knowing Voldemort himself would have to hold a wand to his head before he said anything about his feelings towards Lily in front of his friends.