Cather opened the door to their room and looked around, taking in how what was once independently her life and Levi's how somehow merged into one. His clothing from yesterday was draped over a chair that once belonged to her and now it was… theirs? How did two separate lives become one so seamlessly in the span of a few short years? Cath sighed and unwrapped the scarf from around her neck, making her way into the bedroom. She plopped down onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling.
Reagan was right – she had to be right. Levi was in love with her and the past three years had done nothing but bring them closer together as a couple. Levi's presence in her life had become foundational… as rock solid as Wren's role and nearly as important. No, she was being ridiculous. Levi had done nothing but cheer her on, steer her steadily towards her graduate school goal. He'd never have encouraged her if he wasn't behind her completely… would he?
"Blergh," Cath sighed, squeezing her eyes shut. No matter the amount of times she walked herself through this nor the amount of flawless logic that she employed, she simply could not shake herself of an impending sense of dread that had begun creeping in the periphery since the day she received her acceptance letter. Something was up – she just knew it.
"Talking to yourself again?" Levi's voice crashed through Cath's inner dialogue and she yelped in response, sitting straight up. Levi was leaning against the doorframe, his long arms folded into one another and a look of… what? A look of weariness on his face. "I thought that went away once the Simon/Baz craze was over."
Cath snorted humorlessly. "Craze? It's a lifestyle." How Levi could joke when she felt as though her entire world was imploding was beyond her. Levi smirked and shifted his weight from the doorframe. He began making his way towards her slowly. Every single step was agony. "Levi? Okay, you've gotta know – I'm going crazy here. Reagan told me that I was insane but I just feel like something is wrong. Between us. And I know that maybe I'm just having a freak out about Sarah Lawrence and that in reality, I'm subconsciously projecting it onto you but you have to help me here. Just… just tell me that it's going to be okay."
Levi reached their bed and sat down, leaning his shoulder slightly into Cath's body. He grabbed her right hand and spread her fingers open so that her palm faced up. Slowly, he began to trace the lines of her palm – sending shivers racing up her arm and throughout her body. Cath stared at Levi's face, willing him to say anything to alleviate the agony that she felt but he merely stared down at her hand. His face was completely blank and his silence was nearly unbearable.
"Levi?" Cath whispered. "Please say something."
Levi pulled Cath's hand up to his face and softly kissed her palm.
"Cather, I love you," he said, placing her hand back in to her lap. Levi folded his long fingers into one another, and leaned his forearms on his knees, hunching over slightly. Cath frowned and glanced at him. She opened her mouth to respond but Levi shook his head almost imperceptibly, silencing her.
"I love you. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you. My feelings for you? I don't know. They're crazy, and intense, and… and huge. And at first, it scared me how I felt. Because I have never felt this way before, Cather. Never. And somehow, you felt something back for me too. You-"
"I love you too, Levi. I-"
"Cath, I'm sorry but I need to get this out. Just let me… just let me say it, okay?" Levi continued to stare intently at the floor. The muscles in his jaw began to clench and Cath noticed the color creeping into his cheeks. "I never thought that in a hundred years I'd have someone as amazing as you to love me back. You're so god damn smart, Cath. You're smart and you're so fucking talented. But for some reason, you saw something in me despite the fact that I am nothing compared to you."
Levi looked up and turned to face Cath.
"You're going to be amazing in New York. I have no doubt in that. But I… I… Fuck." Levi jumped up off of the bed and began pacing around their small room. Cath watched him silently, struggling to keep her tears at bay. She knew where this was going. The minute that Cath saw Levi's face after announcing that she'd been accepted – she knew how this was going to go.
Reagan had been wrong.
"Fuck," Levi growled, pushing his fingers violently through his hair. "I won't be the thing to hold you back, okay? God damn this. You're going to be with people who are smart like you and who share the same talents that you do. You'll be in a new city that is a thousand times more exciting than this shit hole. And God, I won't be the thing that holds you back."
"What exactly are you saying, Levi?" Cath said through clenched teeth. Levi turned towards her, his tall frame towering over her as she sat still on their bed.
"What am I saying? You're really going to make me say it out loud then?" Levi demanded. Cath jumped up off of the bed and closed the distance between them. Her sadness and anxiety had evaporated and now? Now she was just mad. All of her fears regarding a break up and her preemptive grief over the loss of Levi vanished in the wake of the blinding rage that she felt in this very moment.
"You're God damn right I'm going to make you say it, Levi! You cheer me on for months towards this goal of going away to an amazing graduate school. You promised that you'd be there for me. And what? Now that the reality of the situation is finally here, you freak out? You decide that you don't want to wait it out? What the fuck, Levi?" Cath practically screeched.
"I'm doing this for you," Levi yelled. Cath blanched and stumbled back a few steps. Never in their three years together had Levi so much as raised his voice around her – let alone at her. "For you! It's inevitable, Cather! This would have been the natural progression of our relationship. You go off, surround yourself with smart people, and realize that you've been with a fucking idiot this entire time. I'm saving both of us the agony of a drawn out break up!"
Levi stopped himself and drew in a deep breath. Cath continued staring at him, simultaneously shocked at his outburst and suddenly numb towards the entire situation. Levi took a step towards her and reached out, his hand brushing lightly against her arm. Cath jumped.
"No. Get out," she said, stepping away from Levi's outstretched hand.
"Cather-"
"No! Maybe you didn't hear me: Get. Out." Cath side stepped Levi and made her way to their closet, yanking the doors aside. She grabbed the first bag that she saw – her backpack – and began furiously pulling Levi's shirts off of their hangers and stuffing them into the bag.
"Cath, don't be like this. We need to talk. Please stop-"
"Talk? No. You've talked enough. In fact, you seem to have figured this whole thing out." Cath turned towards him and shoved the backpack into his chest. "It's over. I get it. Now that we're broken up, we don't live together anymore. Get out."
"Cather, please," Levi said, his voice beginning to shake.
"Get out, Levi," Cath said again, her voice raising.
"No, wait, please. I've made a mis-"
"Out! Get out!" Cath squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the sound of Levi pleading with her. "Out, get the hell out," she yelled, repeating herself until she heard the unmistakable sounds of Levi's footsteps and the sudden silence that crashed down around her.
After a moment, Cath finally opened her eyes and took stock of her bedroom. A mess of clothing hangers lay scattered on the floor of her closet, as well as the few forgotten t-shirts that escaped her tirade. Levi was nowhere to be seen and Cath was positive he was no longer in their house. A small sob escaped her and instantly, she felt sick to her stomach.
