Ok, so you all know that I couldn't write much cause I didn't have a laptop, and the old one we got fixed ended up being not so fixed after all. So, being the awesome person that I am, I bought a new one! Took a while to save up for it which is why I haven't updated in forever!

This chapter is dedicated to PrincessMnMz, who not only got the song first, but also has me worrying after their local wildlife. Congratulations!

Holymotheroffuckinggod.

Gandalf was standing less than 3 feet away from her. Like the Gandalf.

The dude she spent a lot of her younger years watching! She was not mentally stable enough to handle this.

As she stared creepily at him, she noticed that he was wearing a tall pointed grey hat, a long grey cloak and a silver scarf. His brown staff was clutched in his right hand, and he had a long white beard and bushy eyebrows that stuck out beyond the brim of his hat.

It was Gandalf the Grey.

And he was staring at her face gently with a look of mild confusion, as if trying to place her face. All the while Eliza sat staring at him with her mouth hanging open like a complete and utter idiot.

"I don't believe we've met before, my dear."

"N-N-No. Em, we haven't met before. Sir." she muttered out awkwardly, rooted to the spot, using the door handle for support. Was her face heating up? It felt like her face was heating up. Dammit she was blushing. And Jesus Christ, he was massive! Hobbits really were midjits; she wasn't sure when she was surrounded by other hobbits. She had to crane her neck just to look up at him.

"And yet you know who I am." he said gently.

"Eh, yeah...Bilbo's told me a bit about you," she said it all slowly, unsure of what lie she had been about to sprout; she just hoped it wouldn't come back to bite her in the ass later. "I kinda put two and two together. I'd say you're the only wizard who's been around here for a while."

"Indeed I am. I haven't seen Mr Baggins in quite some time, however you seem a bit young to be his wife."

"Yes! I mean no. I'm not too young that is, I'm just not his wife." Taking a steadying breath, she thrust out her hand. "I'm Eliza Underhill, a distant relative of Bilbo. He's just letting me stay with him for a few weeks, no marriage involved." She realized pretty early on that with her dark brown hair, blue eyes, and pale complexion, she kinda looked a little like Frodo. She got Bilbo to agree to tell people she was a distant relative so they wouldn't think anything untoward was happening. It didn't stop some of the whispers that followed her around though.

She tried to smile reassuringly but Gandalf was giving her an indescribable look, before he slowly reached out his hand and shook hers. It was only much later on that Eliza realized that they don't shake hands on Middle Earth.

Clearing her throat awkwardly, she pushed the door further open and gestured inside with her other arm. "Would you like to come in? Bilbo's just in the kitchen."

"I would, thank you. He and I have matters to discuss." Gandalf took his hat off and stepped past her into the hallway. She closed the door and led him to the kitchen. "He's just through here," she told him as she entered the kitchen.

"That was quick," Bilbo began, before he saw their unexpected guest. He stood awkwardly from where he had been sitting where she left him. "I'm sorry, can I help you?" Bilbo was looking confusedly between Eliza, who was leaning awkwardly against the wall, and Gandalf, who was standing in the door way looking completely at ease, waiting to be introduced.

"That remains to be seen," the wizard replied, gazing at the hobbit under large bushy eyebrows. He then turned his gaze expectantly to Eliza.

She cleared her throat and gestured towards the wizard, "Bilbo, this is Gandalf. Gandalf," she gestured towards the hobbit, "this is Mr Baggins. Gandalf said he had some business with you?" She turned the last part into a question, gazing at the wizard for confirmation.

"Indeed I do." he replied cheerfully, "And I would take it by that wooden spoon up your sleeve, and that look of determination that you had only moments ago, that you have business to attend to as well?" He was giving her a playful look.

She could only nod meekly in reply and hide her arm behind her back away from Bilbo's curious gaze.

She began backing slowly out of the room when Bilbo gave her a nod to tell her it was alright, and that he didn't feel like he was about to be murdered by the stranger she'd just let into his home. She backtracked out past the front door, grabbing the handle. "I'll just be going!" she called out before slamming the door shut loudly, to make it abundantly clear that she was leaving and was not in fact going to eavesdrop on their conversation.

She wasn't even remotely curious about why the mystical wizard had shown up completely out of the blue to talk specifically to Bilbo. She really should just go up and find that order stealing bitch, and take back what was hers; if she had to spend just one more day in a gravity defying dress, she was going to cut a bitch. In half.

But on the other hand, her listening into the conversation now would only spare Bilbo the pain of having the details beaten out of him later. And she wasn't really picky about the time of the day she physically threatened people, so she could always go get her stuff back later.

Thinking fuck it, she used her awesome sneaky ninja skills and crept up on the cold stone path surrounded the house until she was outside the kitchen window. She pressed her back against the building and put her ear beside the window, swatting at one of the over hanging flowers that was tickling her face. She could hear their conversation clearly enough; the windows weren't all that thick, and her hearing was now bad-ass.

"...it's decided then. It will be very good for you, and most amusing for me. I shall inform the others."

"Inform the who? What? No. No, wait. We do not want any adventures here, not today. My cousin and I are perfectly happy here on our own, thank you very much. I can't very well leave her here."

"Then we shall take her with us. I dare say two Hobbits are better than one."

"I said no thank you. If you're looking for some adventuring Hobbits I suggest you try over the hill or across the water." Even she could hear the finality in Bilbo's voice. "If that's all, I would appreciate it if you could show yourself out."

And that would be Bilbo being his adorable self, kicking the ancient wizard out of his house. She couldn't hear Gandalf reply, but she could hear the door slam on the other side of the house. Someone was pissed off.

She spun around to face the window and gazed through squinted eyes at Bilbo. The other hobbit wasn't looking at her, but when he glanced up, she raised her hand to point accusingly at him. He turned to look at her, as he often did, like she was a crazy person and he didn't have a clue how she ended up in his house. They stayed like that silently for a minute or two; she wanted to make sure she wouldn't run into Gandalf again. Feeling like she left enough time for someone to walk down a path, even someone as old as Gandalf, she turned abrubtly and walked back around the stone path more determined than ever.

If there was even a remote possibility of her going on an adventure, then she wasn't doing it in a fucking dress.

I now make a solemn oath that all reviews will be replied to! I also promise to update faster!

Someone left a review suggesting I up the rating to an M because of all the cursing. Do I need to? I will if I have to, I just don't think this story qualifies as an M. Let me know what you guys think! I'm a bit clueless some times.

-The Lieutenant Sarcasm