Mutant bride

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "And the plot thinnens"

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Act 4 – A rehearsal gone wrong.

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Three hours after their meeting, Jean and Scott are in their wedding rehearsal. Scott, apparently, is having issues.

"Master Summers, from the beginning", says Apocalypse in his 'trying not to maim you' voice, dressed as a pastor, "Again".

Poccy clears his throat.

"With this hand, I will lift your sorrows", he recites, "Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine. With this candle, I will light your way in darkness. With this ring, I ask you to be mine"

"That is one of the funkiest vows I've ever heard", whistles Pyro, "Did you make that up, Apocalypse? Mind if I call you Poccy?"

"No and yes, respectively", says Poccy, "I will crush your puny head in my pure and deadly grip!"

Pyro blinks at him.

"Uuuuuummm…yeah, maybe next week", he says, "I'm all booked up right now"

Poccy ignores Pyro, looking at Scott.

"Lets. Try. It. Again"

"Yes", squeaks Scott, "Yes, sir!"

He holds up a little candle, Jean holding a similar one.

"With this candle…", he pauses, trying to light it on a bigger one, it just not lighting, "This candle….This candle"

"Tee hee", giggles Pyro, "Having fire powers is so much more than burning things"

Scott doesn't pay attention, still trying desperately to get the thing to light.

"Shall I get up there and do it for him?", asks Jubilee in a not-very-whispering voice.

"Don't get all aflutter dear", says Bobby, then pauses, mouthing 'aflutter'.

Scott looks at both sets of parents, none looking amused in the slightest. He looks at Poccy who does a Throat Clearing Of Doom ™. While he has been gawping at everyone, he sees the candle has lit.

"With this candle!", says Scott triumphantly, then breaths on it, putting it out, "…oh, fudge"

"CONTINUE!", screams Poccy.

Suddenly, the doorbell rings, Poccy's eye develops an interesting tic.

"Get the door, Pietro", says Warren.

Pietro totters off to the door as Poccy sighs.

"Let's just pick it up at the candle bit", he says.

Pietro returns with a zip to Warren's side, handing a business card over with Lord Lucas-David-Ian Haller-Xavier printed on it.

"Bit of a mouthful", mutters Pyro, "I wish I had multiple personalities, then I could have a business card with lots of names on it"

"A Lord Lucas, Sir", he says.

"George Lucas?", squeaks Warren in delight, then deflates at the card, "…oh…I wanted to pet a wookie" (1)

"I haven't a head for dates", says Lucas, walking in, "Apparently, I'm a day early for the ceremony"

As Amara takes the card and peers at it, Warren leans in.

"Is he from your side of the family?", he whispers.

"I can't recall", blinks Amara, then clicks her fingers, "Pietro, a seat for Lord Lucas"

"I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE!", screams Pietro in drama-queen style, but speeds up with a chair, which Lucas manages to plonk his rear on before it takes out his legs.

"Do carry on", says Lucas, waving at Scott and Jean.

"Lets try it again, shall we. Master Summers?", asks Poccy.

"Yes….Yes, sir…certainly", says Scott as Jean helpfully lights his candle, holding up his left hand.

"Right", says Poccy in a deadly undertone.

"Right", nods Scott, not comprehending for a minute, "Oh, right!"

He quickly switches the hand he's holding.

"With this……this", he looks uncomprehending at the limb he's holding up.

"Hand", growls Poccy

"With this hand", says Scott, taking Jeans and leading her to the table, walking right into it.

"THREE, STEPS, THREE!", screams Poccy

"…You know, an evil overlord may not have been the best casting choice", murmurs Pyro.

"Can you not count?", rants Poccy, "Do you not wish to be married, Master Summers?"

"No! No", says Scott shaking his hand trying to defuse the situation.

"You do not?", asks Jean quietly.

"No!", squeaks Scott, "I meant, no. I do not not wish to be married"

"That's just bad grammar", says Pyro, "Shame on you"

"This is, I want very much to", carried on Scott, but is smacked over the head with Poccy's staff, "Ow!"

"PAY ATTENTION!", screams Poccy, "Have you even remembered to bring the ring?"

"The ring?", asks Scott, then nods, rummaging in his pockets, "Yes. Of course"

As he pulls it out, held between his thumb and forefinger, it slips out, bouncing across the church. Scott whimpers, running after it.

"Dropping the ring", growls Poccy, "This boy doesn't WANT to get married!"

"How disgraceful", sniffs Amara, then blinks in shock as the ring goes under her dress, Scott going right after it, pulling it out, "…..I would run"

"Got it!", says Scott triumphantly.

With a whoosh, Amara's dress sets on fire from Scott's discarded candle.

"FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE!", squeals Pyro.

"Out of the way, you ninny!", says Warren, trying to stamp out the blaze.

"Oh dear! Oh, my! Giddy on, a woman on fire!", babbles Bobby, "Help! Emergency!"

"You're the one with ice powers, you twit!", snaps Jubes, fanning the blaze with her fan, "Oh, I hope it doesn't stain"

"Stop fanning it, you fool!", snaps Amara, despite the fact she shouldn't actually be bothered by the flames, what with being able to survive in an active volcano and all.

Amidst the chaos, Poccy gives a defeated sigh, closing his book. While everyone panics, Lucas coolly and clammy tips the goblet of wine on the fire, putting it out. Lucas tosses the goblet away, Pietro catching it with a flourish on a tray.

"We should be a double act", says Pietro, "It'd be, like, destiny!"

"….No", says Lucas, "Just…..no"

"ENOUGH!", snaps Poccy, "This wedding cannot take place until he is properly prepared"

Everyone glares at Scott, who is in a corner, trying to be invisible.

"Young man", says Poccy ominously, "learn your vows"

Scott backs away form the angry faces, hitting the door, which he scrabbles to open and makes his escape.

"Well, he's quite the catch, isn't he?", says Lucas sarcastically.

Meanwhile, Scott has escaped to the bridge just outside of town, where he is looking sadly at the flower Jean handed to him.

"Oh, Jean", he sighs, "She must think I'm such a fool. This day couldn't get any worse"

"You should never say that", says Pyro.

"Hear ye,. Hear ye!", shouts Juggernaut as he strolls the streets, "Rehearsal in ruins as Summers boy causes chaos! Fishy fiancé could be canned! Greys all fired up as Summers disaster ruins rehearsal"

"Told you", says Pyro smugly.

Scott sighs wandering into a forest which looks suspiciously like the one in Nightmare Before Christmas. (2)

"It really shouldn't be all that difficult", Scott says to himself, "It's just a few simple vows. With this hand, I will take your wine. Ugh, no. With this hand, I will cup your…"

Scott stops himself.

"Oh, goodness, no!", he sighs, walking deeper into the woods, "With this.. with this candle, I will….I will"

He lets out a deep sigh.

"I will set your mother on fire", he says, sitting down on a rock, "Oh, it's no use"

He pulls out the ring and flower, smelling it (the flower, not the ring, he's not that weird). He then narrows his eyes determinedly.

"With this hand, I will lift your sorrows", he says, flicking the ring in the air and catching it, "Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine"

He walks over to a tall gangly tree.

"Ahh, Mrs Grey", he says, "You look ravishing this evening"

He goes over to a tree with what appears to be wings.

"What's that, Mr. Grey?", he asks, "Call you 'Dad'? If you insist, sir"

"Talking to trees is not a good sign", muses Pyro.

Scott, however, is in full swing, breaking off a branch of a tree, miming using a smaller candle to light a big one.

"With this candle, I will light your way in darkness", he says, then walks to a hand-shaped twig coming out of the ground, "With this ring, I ask you to be mine"

He places the ring on a 'finger' with a flourish, then pauses as the wind howls….he looks behind him, noticing a large number of ravens behind him.

"Alfred Hitchcock lives!", squeaks Pyro

As Scott turns, he doesn't notice the 'twig' twitch… not until the hand grabs him and tries to yank him underground, that is. Scott squeaks, pulling away, bringing a skeletal hand, complete with his wedding ring, grabbing tightly to his arm.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!", screams Scott, shaking it off.

Form where the hand was buried, the ground shakes as a female form, in a wedding dress, rises from the ground.

"Get to the nearest shopping mall!", says Pyro, "They can't get you there!"

The bride removes her veil, showing a rather blue-corpse Rogue.

"A'h do", she says.

Scott does the only sensible thing to do in this situation. He screams like a girls and makes a break for it. Rogue follows after him, picking up her arm as she goes. Scott continues to run, ripping his suit on trees as he passes, and skidding across a frozen lake. He finally makes it to the bridge, where he seems safe. He lets out a nervous laugh, walking backwards..right into Rogue.

"You may kiss the bride", she says, kissing him.

Scott promptly passes out.

"Oh yeah….powers", blinks Rogue.

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(1) – I point out here that I despise all that is Star Wars, savour this joke, fans, you won't see me making many.

(2) – I am a Tim Burton nut. I notice things like this.

Bwahahaha! Next up, we go to the Land of the Dead! Do review. Until next time…