Just A Boy

Great. A bunch of germy kids. Exactly what she needs. To say that her mood had been abysmal during the past few weeks would be the understatement of the century. To her, Holly had been perfect. Of course she was not naïve enough to think that she would be without flaws, flaws that were yet to be discovered. But she would have bet everything that being a cheater and a liar would not be amongst them. After what she had witnessed at the lab, she wasn't even able to put into words what she was feeling. Fooled? Betrayed? Certainly. Hurt? Angry? Disappointed? Without question. But it was so much more.

She felt all those things when she found out about Nick and Andy, although in retrospect those feelings had more to do with Andy than with Nick. Of course it felt like a million stabs to the heart that Nick left her, again. That she had known for some time that he would leave her, again. But she realized rather quickly that she never honestly saw a future with Nick. She had tried to, had hoped that there would be a future for them, but at the same time she knew that she would never be enough for Nick. He would never feel like she was good enough – not the way she actually was. And even though she had tried to change, for him, deep down she was more than reluctant to really do it. Because he would never be enough for her either. So in the end, apart from a broken ego and the confirmation of her fear that all people would ever do was leave her, what remained was Andy's betrayal – and no matter how bad she knew that Andy felt about it, that was what really stung. When Chris broke up with her, she felt betrayed and hurt and disappointed as well. Not because their relationship ended though – they were having fun together, but it never went much further than that, and she was sure that deep down they both knew that – but because of the way she was practically shunned by the boys for something that she didn't really have any control over. She had never admitted to anyone how much that really hurt. How they made her feel that their friendship, that her friendship, was suddenly absolutely worthless to them.

This thing with Holly though, it felt like someone had pulled a rug out from under her, and she was just falling, stumbling, unraveling ever since. And it had nothing to do with her ego, it had nothing to do with pride. In an incredibly short amount of time, Holly had become her lifeline, her sanctuary, and she had a hard time imagining her future without her. She knew she was being melodramatic. She knew that, eventually, she would get over it, even if it meant just carefully reconstructing all her walls and hiding her true self away again in order to heal, or at least pretend to heal. Eventually, she would meet someone new, maybe even someone who would get her like Holly did – if it happened once, why shouldn't it happen again? What she didn't know, though, was when 'eventually'would come. And what she did know, despite everything, was that she didn't want 'eventually' to come. She wanted to be with Holly. And the fact that apparently she couldn't was breaking her heart in the truest sense of the word.

Of course Holly had called and texted countless times in increasingly desperate attempts to have Gail give her a chance to explain herself – all of which were completely ignored by Gail. Seriously, what did she expect? She even showed up at the precinct a few times, but Gail was always quick enough to duck out before she could get a hold on her. Still, despite all her efforts at avoidance and repression, all her thoughts were bent on Holly. On all the moments they shared, on how it fell apart, on why she had done what she did.

And now she was stuck here, in this hotel lobby, with all these loud, upset and hyperactive kids, the ultimate strain on her already fragile nerves. There had been a fire in the school building, and the officers from 15 were called in to help with the evacuation, making sure all the kids got out safely and taking them to the nearby hotel lobby to wait for their parents to pick them up. McNally and Price were of course fully in their element, playing and laughing with the kids, cheering them up. Gail, on the other hand, had positioned herself on the sidelines, watching from a safe distance, just like Chris had, though he probably did it for different reasons, considering the situation with Denise and Christian that he still was in the process of getting over.

"Hey. Mrs... officer?" Great. Not even here she was safe?

"Hey. I'm Gail. Is something wrong?" She crouched down to the little boy. Even though she didn't want to admit it, she liked kids – just not so many of them at once. And this one seemed to be a real charmer. He had brown curly hair and a smile Gail was sure would steal quite a few hearts as he got older. His eyes were brown and soft, but mischievous at the same time. He reminded her a little bit of Leo.

"Are we in trouble?"

"No, why would you think that?" She put a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to soothe him. Although she wasn't sure he really needed it. Yes, there was a hint of worry in his voice, but mostly he sounded curious.

"Well, because you... the police, are here. My mom said the police protect people. But the fire is gone. So, are we in trouble so that you need to protect us?"

"No. No, you're not in trouble. We were just here to help your teachers with the evacuation. And now we wait for your parents to pick you up, to make sure you get home ok." She nodded reassuringly.

"My mom."

"What?" She was just in the process of getting back up, thinking that his question was settled, but the boy made no indication of leaving.

"You said our parents are going to pick us up. I don't have parents. I have a mom."

"Oh. I'm sorry." Ok. Maybe not the best thing to say? Who knows why he only had a mom. She didn't know what else to say though.

"Why?" He seemed seriously puzzled.

"I don't know. I guess I just... You see, when I was your age, my mom was very strict. So whenever she wouldn't allow me to do something, I would go to my dad, and he would allow me... So I guess for me that was the big advantage of having two parents. Until he caught on to my little game of course."

"Well, my mom is really cool." His face lit up and he grinned at her proudly.

"That's good. You're very lucky then."

"Yeah. You know, a lot of people are sorry when I tell them I don't have a dad. But I have grandma and grandpa. I get to spend a lot of time with them. And my aunt and uncle. They are cool too."

"It sounds like you have a great family." She thought this would end the conversation.

"You look bored." She snickered. His directness had caught her slightly off guard, although she had to admit it reminded her a bit of herself.

"No, I'm... You know, I'm just not really great with kids, plus, I woke up a little cranky today." She scrunched up her face. "So I let my two friends over there take care of entertaining you all." While she tried to maintain a child-appropriate lightness, she was surprised how honest her response was.

"You seem alright to me." He shrugged.

"Thanks. How very charming of you." She smiled. For the first time in weeks, she honestly smiled.

He held out a piece of paper and a pen. "Wanna play Battleship?"

"Sure..."

They both sat down on the floor, drawing boxes and positioning their ships. He had found her aircraft carrier and battleship in no time, and most of her other ships as well, only short one submarine and a patrol boat, while Gail's yield had been rather meager.

"Ash!" A woman's voice interrupted their game as the boy jumped up and waved at the woman. A woman's voice that sounded all too familiar.

"Mom! Hey!" The woman approached and hunkered down and pulled him into a crushing hug. Holly. His mom. Holly. She let him go after a while and looked at him worriedly.

"Ash. Hey. Are you alright? Are you hurt? Let me look at you." She scrutinized him head to toe.

"Moooom! I'm fiiiine!" Clearly, the boy – Ash, as it seemed – was a bit embarrassed by his mother's concern.

"Ok. Ok. Go get your stuff and let's get you home." She hadn't directly looked at Gail ever since she got here. Gail's eyes of course had been fixated on Holly from the moment she laid eyes on her. She wondered whether Holly had even registered that she was here. Judging by the way her eyes were trailing around the room as soon as they were left alone though, clearly avoiding Gail, she supposed she had. After a while she finally, slowly, managed to meet Gail's eyes.

"Sorry. I hope he didn't bother you." She shoved her hands into her coat pockets looking quite uncomfortable.

"Uh. No. Not... Not at all." Gail's mind was racing, a mixture of shock and bewilderment and enlightenment, so that her conversational skills were currently rather limited.

"He likes talking to adults. Sometimes I worry about him." The lopsided smile again. Damn you, Holly Stewart!

"No. I don't think..."

"Ready!" He was back, backpack on his shoulders, and holding out his gym bag to Holly. She took it, ruffling his hair.

"All set?"

"Goooo!" He shouted with a nod. It amazed Gail how excited he was that his mom was here. She didn't remember ever being this happy to see her mom. Well, she also would never have referred to her mom as 'really cool' either. So Holly was a 'really cool' mom. And Ash was a 6-year-old boy.

"Well, bye then." Holly waved at Gail somewhat awkwardly and turned around with Ash, ready to leave, when the boy turned around and waved at her as well.

"Bye Gail!"

"Bye... Ash... It was fun playing with you. Such a shame we will never know who would have won." She winked at him.

He tilted his head to the side and raised his eyebrows. "Please!" Gail could only laugh in response to that. He waved again, and with that his attention was back with his mother.

"Mom, can we go get ice cream?"

"After a day like today, we can get whatever you want."

"Ice cream! Yay!"

"Yay..." He skipped towards the exit, as Holly turned around briefly, throwing Gail one last look before leaving. It was a look that Gail couldn't quite place. It looked mostly apologetic, but a little upset at the same time. So... Holly is a mom. Holly has a kid.

"Hey. Wasn't that Holly? I had no idea she had a child." She hadn't even noticed that Chris was standing right next to her while she was just staring at the door, lost in thought.

"Not now, Chris." He threw his hands up in defeat.

"Whatever. Andy and Chloe said we could leave. Most of the kids have been picked up by now, so we really don't need to all hang around."

"Great." She muttered, not taking her eyes off the entrance. What was she waiting for, that Holly would come back running into the lobby? And to do what exactly?

She didn't really know what to feel. What she was supposed to feel, what she was allowed to feel. She knew she felt a little embarrassed, for jumping to conclusions after hearing that phone conversation, for thinking Holly was a cheater, for not letting her explain. In the light of this new piece of information a lot of things became clearer, a great deal of Holly's actions over the past weeks were explained, and the dressing-down Gail gave her seemed a little too cruel. Her heart also went out to Holly, because she thought there must be a reason for Holly not telling her she had a kid, some bad experience or experiences she must have had in the past. No. No excuses. Holly fucked up. Holly did fuck up. As much as there may have been reasons for her behavior, they don't excuse it. Even if there had been bad experiences – didn't they have something special? Gail thought so. Didn't Holly say they told each other stuff? So why not tell Gail this? What did she think Gail would do once she found out? No, the way Holly handled this was not ok. Definitely not. She made Gail blame herself for yet another failed attempt at a relationship, made her question – once again – whether she was worth it, whether she even deserved happiness, because it seemed that the universe didn't think so. She broke her heart. So yes, she was angry. She was disappointed. She felt betrayed. Holly fucked up.