The large white stage practically glowed, bathed in the light of so many huge incandescent bulbs.

That wasn't the only source of light. Respectful women held long wax tapers. Long haired youths waved butane lighters over their heads. Children held flashlights topped by glowing replicas of their favorite shinobi's or kunoichi's head. Village policement waved long glowing batons, dirrecting dignitaries to their seats.

A tall tower next to the sage held traditional drummers, who now began to strike up a breathtaking beat.

That wasn't the only source of noise. Food vendors were now using megaphones. Toddlers blew on whistles and elderly men and women entertained themselves with party poppers. There were bells, gongs, marracas, and even vuvuzelas of every possible size and color. Popular music played on portable players and pub-goers were singing at the top of their lungs.

It wasn't just sight. It wasn't just sound. Each and every sense was teased or tormented in countless ways. It was almost as if entire continents had been condensed, carried, and constructed at that very site.

"This... this is just..." Naruto had returned to his true form. Well, mostly. He had stuffed the remaining tails inside his pants, making it look like he had a humongous butt. "This is just too much." There was too much to take in. There was too much to worry about. What did it all mean? What did all this say about him. And when would those blasted tails disappear!

"This is not your fault." It was as if Neji could read his thoughts. The white-eyed boy stood with him, as did his other closest friends. "It does not say anything about you. You still have the best eyes of anyone I know. The best eyes... the best heart..."

"It does show that you're pretty damn popular," Kiba said. "And pretty damn lucky" The moment that he said it, Kiba realized the falsehood of his statement. Sure, he dreamed about wild sexual escapades like many teenage boys did. But, if he had found himself in Naruto's shoes, his bragging and boasting would turn to ashes in his mouth. "Well... maybe bad luck..." He put a hand on Naruto's shoulder. "Sorry man."

"It could be worse," Shino said, surprising everyone by his attempt at making a joke and improving the mood. "The FanFic author could have put us all in green stretchy suits." He shrunk down further in his cowl, as he watched a large number of eavesdroppers take a few steps back, as if he and his friends were contagious.

"Ahhhhh-hhhh-hhh-hh-h!" Lee thrust an arm upward. "That would be great!"

"Who brought him," Choji said, arm full of snack bags. He offered one to Shikamaru who was too bothered to accept.

"Perhaps they will provide Naruto with green stretchy condoms," Sai mused. He had been reading about various sexual topics, being a total innocent. At least that's what most people thought. Some people wondered if he might be a closet perveret in the making.

"They had better not!" Naruto shook a fist at Sai. It was a well-conditioned reflex.

"I see." Sai's voice held a distict edge of disapproval. "Perhaps the events have all gone to your head. You were always a caring person before." He sighed. "I am certain that you must know that condoms are barrier devices. Thoughtful men wear them to prevent pregnancy and to protect partners from sexually transmitted disease. In case you were unaware, a rolled up condom is placed on the erect penis of a man and mrphlbrglmrphlblrt."

"Keep it quiet, moron!" Kiba had his hand over Sai's mouth. There was a time and a place for the other boy's nonsense, and this was not it. No. Wait. There was never a good time for that kind of thing!

"You touched my mouth," Sai remarked. "That is an intimate part of my person. Was that an offer to play rough games? Did my mention of penises cause you to have swelling and elongation? Is this story going to turn into Yaoi or Shōnen-ai? Do you prefer young men?"

"Enough with the penises, already." Naruto spoke under his breath. He remembered the first time that he had met Sai. When Naruto had been searching for companions to join him in a mission to find Sasuke, he had run across Sai, who had been sent to join a reborn Team Kakashi. Sai had been ordered to meet with a spy in Orochimaru's ranks. The Root ninja had attacked Naruto, Choji, and Shikamaru, and when he crossed weapons with Naruto, had said 'You're fairly weak, so what do you have between your legs?'

Later, when Sai had been officially added to the team along with Yamato, he had said 'I wanted to gauge the ability of my new team member. I didn't know that I'd have to look after the little prick with no balls'. Then, later, after Sai, Sakura, and Naruto had been squabbling over certain comments that the emotioneless boy made about Sasuske, Yamato brought them to a hot spring to help them bond and unwind. There, Sai had glanced at a naked Naruto and said 'Well, well. So you really do have one after all.'

"SAI!" Kiba looked like he was growing fangs this time. At his side, Akamaru growled, his hair erect and his mouth open. Drool pooled at his furry paws. "Shut it and keep it shut, if you know what is good for you." He did not like the way that people were looking at him and whispering behind their hands.

"I see. Now it is threats." Sai began drawing figures with ink, preparing to defend himself if necessary. "This will be Whump? H/C?" Hurt/Comfort. "URST" Unresolved sexual tension. "I certainally hope that it will not be Mpreg or PWP." Male Pregnancy and Porn Without Plot. "Hmmm-mm-m. The dog is here, too. Might it be squick?" Fanfiction with taboo and sexually charge themes such as underage sex, incest, pedophilia, and beastiality. "Perhaps you think I am nothing more than a woobie." A character that experiences excessive misfortune or abuse, prompting a feeling of sympathy in the reader.

"I don't care what the author might want. I think I will choose Whump" Kiba bagan rubbing his hands together. "Akamaru!"

GRRRRRR-RRRRR-RRRR-RRR-RR-R

The large dog pawwed at the dirt. His eyes flashed. It looked as if he were about to leap into action.

Naturally, he would never hurt a friend. There were ways to show his and Kiba's displeasure without causing any damage.

"This is too troublesome to tolerate." Shikamaru was about to pull rank. He began the hand seals for the Shadow Bind technique.

"They're turning it on," a boy shouted, distracting the squabbling shinobi. He was referring to one of the Nine Wonders of the shinobi world.

At the center of the immense stage, a wooden wheel towered above the crowd. Thirty stories high, and patterned after a type of game seen at casinos in the Land of the Sea, the wheel was made up of concentric rings, each painted a different color and decorated by fancy filligree and stunning designs. The center of the wheel was decorated in fancy forms made of gold leaf: toads, snakes, and slugs. Vertical spokes held flat slats. The outer rim had a machined brass pin for each slat. A long thin pointer mounted on a flexible piece of leather would rub against the pins as the wheel spun, causing the wheel to slow down by means of friction. Numerous small colored lightbulbs were embedded in every available space.

Slowly, banks of lights flashed on and off, before going dead again. Operators were checking out myriad switches and relays, making certain that miles of copper wire was properly placed. A number of ninja with ice jutsus stood ready around large generators and power plants. Shinobi with other skills were preapring to keep the wheel well lubricated and perfectly balanced.

While the preparory actions took place, various minor dignitaries from the Leaf and others nations took the opportunity to make speechs to the growing crowd. All of the many activities taking place within that surging mass of humanity resembled the tuumultuous scenes one might come across at the major sporting events that served as the life's blood of fans in sports-crazy countries. Indeed, there were young men and women in that crowd who could have been plucked from a penultimate match. One line of burly men, sans shirts, had painted their chests with orange paint. On those chests, there were black letters that spelled out U-Z-U-M-A-K-I-N-A-R-U-T-O. On their backs, pained black, there were orange letters that spelled out T-I-M-E-T-O-G-E-T-S-O-M-E. Next to them a group of citrus-starved fans held up signs that read 'Finally' anytime the painted men shouted and turned in unison.

After the official guest speakers finished with their spiels, the Konoha dancers took the stage, dressed in outfits that would have been a credit to the best Las Vegas shows in the real world. They performed carefully choreographed numbers with fans and large transparent balls, walking a fine line between art and burlesque. Striding amongst them, wearing a glitter-encrusted flak vest, Kakashi led the crowd in applause for the scantily clad women. An academy student assigned as his aide ran out with a rhinestone covered top hat, but he motioned the young shinobi away. He had been given this assignment against his will, but still had some freedom of choice. He pushed cotton balls further inside his auditory canals. The Konoha band as playing at the back of the stage, bewteen huge stacks of speakers. He could barely hear himself think.

A group of villagers had arranged for their own musical show. They milled around at the foot of the stage, politely waiting for the professional talent to finish their routine. As soon as the speakers went silent and the dancers and band members turned to leave. Those villagers jumped up on stage, Mr. Microphones in hand. Each and every one was dressed up like Naruto, their hair bleached blonde. Standing together, they looked like a long wall of shadow clones. Waving their arms, they soon had the audience's full attention. When one of them placed a CD in the main system's music player, the music for their performance echoed across Konoha and the surrounding land. No one could possibly have expected the song that hey began to sing, a novelty piece written by a threesome calling themselves Gee Said Lee:

I'm too sexy for my love
Too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me
I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my shirts
So sexy it hurts

And I'm too sexy for Konoha
Too sexy for Konoha
Sunaga and Otoga
And I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk, yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my Bijuu
Too sexy for my Bijuu
More sexy than he do
And I'm too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat
What do you think about that?

Seeing that the song had originally been about a vain male model, the performers all strutted like they were on the runway at a big time fashion show. That had huge numbers of people hooting and calling out all manner of things.

The more proper members of the village looked on with displeasure. Their disappointment and disgust were nothing compared to Naruto, who at first failed to see the true love and affection that the performers had for him. Instead, he felt ridiculed and picked on, trying to hold back the memories of his days in the Konoha orphanage. He wasn't the angriest one there, however. Behind his navel, the pure avatar of anger and hatred seethed, giving him the world's worst bellyache. Thoughts bubbled up from his gut and burst within his brain.

THAT CURSED FATHER OF YOURS SHOULD HAVE LET ME DESTROY THIS VILLAGE. LET ME OUT. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. YOU HEAR THAT. YOU HEAR THAT TORTUROUS NOISE. MY EARS. THEY BURN.

"Don't tempt me," Naruto said in replied to the Kyuubi. "There are a lot of people here whose asses I would love you to bite. Or just piss on like they were human fire hydrants." He imagined the Nine tails doing what Akamaru had done earlier and shivered. Just the same, without realizing, he started humming along. He began to get the sense that everyone was laughing with him, not athim. That had different memories filling his head. Memories of the villagers who greeted him after his return from dealing with Nagato. He could get through all this. With the help of his precious friends.

What do you think about that?
I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little tush on the catwalk

That had each of the formers turning their backs to the crowd and shaking their butts. Naruto's sense of serenity promptly vanished again. His emotions kept bouncing back and forth across both sides of a metaphorical table, just like a ping pong ball. Hah! Maybe he would end up being be wrung out physically and emotionally, such that he couldn't hold up his end of the deal later. Then again, the damned FanFic writer could probably find some way to give him an endless source of chakra. That thought had obviously occurred to one twit standing next to Naruto in a waiting area he was just moved to. The orange clad ninja did a double take. He recognized the twit. It was Chōjūrō, a member of the Seven Ninja Swordsmen of the Mist, and the Fifth Mizukage's protector.

"I hear that you have a great deal of chakra," the bespectacled boy commented affably. "Thanks to your being jinchiruuki. And I hear that you can train using numerous shadow clones, learning what each of the clones learns." He cradled the twin sword Hiramekarei in his arms as if it was his loved one. "Imagine what you can accomplish. You could have sexual relations with one girl a thosand times, or a thousand girls one time." He was a bit of a dweeb, and didn't even have the courage necessary to talk to a girl by phone much less in person. "You could become a sex god in one night." His imagination was running far in advance of his common sense, and he was woefully lacking in proper etiquette at the moment. "Owww-ww-w!" He had just been cuffed rather sharply on the back of his neck. He bit his lip with his shark-like teeth, causing blood to well up.

I'm too sexy for my
Too sexy for my too sexy for my
'Cos I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk yea on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little tush on the catwalk

"You young idiot!" The cuffer was a middle aged man with a patch over his right eye, under which he hid a Byakugan that he had taken from a defeated Hyūuga clan member. It was Ao, highly skilled Hunter-Nin and Sensor-type shinobi, also one of Mei Terumī's guards. "You're always meek and pessimistic when we need you be be strong and confident. Now, when you should be self-reserved and unseen, you speak out of turn. Did you forget that the Mizukage is one of the candidates for the unspeakable deed that you were so blthely discussing. Fool!" He cuffed his contrite companion again for good measure. "It's bad enough that she was forced into this arrangement. Do not tempt fate for her. Do you want to soil her pride?"

"What did you say?" By coincidence, Mei Terumī was being escorted back to the holding area after having been allowed to vist the Womens' rest room. "No man could ever be forced into an engagement with me after this?" She routinely heard things that Ao said incorrectly, mishearing those things as offensive comments about her love life. "I will not even be able to tempt a man on a date? I'm too soiled to ever be a bride." In her thirties, she was concerned both about her age and her lack of a significant other. "If you don't shut up, I will kill you!" This wasn't the first time that she had threatened his life over a mishap. "Mark my word."

"I don't... but..." Once again, Ao was left confused. He struck out quickly at Chōjūrō, who was smirking at him. The boy managed to dodge the attack. "Why does she constantly say that!"

'm too sexy for my cat
Too sexy for my cat
Poor pussy poor pussy cat
I'm too sexy for my love
Too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me
And I'm too sexy for this song

An equal number of onlookers shouted "Good job!" as did those who screamed "Thank god!" when the skit was complete and the lights dimmed down. Whatever the act might have been, it was memorable. But there were even more memorable things to come. The master of ceremonies should have been making his way to the front of the stage to explain the particulars. Time passed, and the excited crowd began to get antsy. Minutes later, the antsy crowd began to get upset.

"Greetings everybody." Kakashi finally stood in the circle of light shining on the darkened stage. "I'm sorry that I'm late. I got lost on the path of life." In truth, he had left the stage, travelled across town, and shooed away a number of people who had camped out at the site of Obito's grave monument.

"Not that excuse again, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto and Sakura had heard plenty of excuses in the past, as had Sasuke when he was still a member of Team Seven.

"OK... OK..." Kakashi held his hands up as if he were asking for forgiveness. "What really happened... a black cat crossed my path."

"You've used that one before, too! You traitor!" That irate voice belonged to Sakura, who was off behind the stage, out of view. A loud sound could be heard, followed by an even louder noise. Specifically, it sounded like a large brick facility was falling down. "I won't ever forgive you! Jerk!"

"Actually..." Kakashi flicked away a sweat drop from his temple area. Sakura was a very strong girl, and she had every reason to be angry. He was certain that he could get her to understand that his actions were being written, not voluntarily chosen. For example, if it were up to him, he wouldn't add another corny excuse he had used once before, and certainly wouldn't have his hand in his pocket as he did now. "I'll come clean to you guys. I bumped into a very cute girl and she wanted to dance."

"LIAR!" That was Naruto and Sakura shouting in unison from different sides of the stage.

"Me?" Kakashi looked affronted. "Is that how you two treat your old teacher?" He shook his head and took too sperical bells out of his pants. It was the very set that he had used twice before to test their ability. "Maybe we need to have another contest." He smiled. That smile was his own action. He was very fond of the two ninjas, and enjoyed teasing them now and again. "Just kidding," he added, before Naruto and Sakura could respond. "I just thought that everyone might enjoy another song before we get started. I'm certain it will put everyone in the right mood." He spun the bells around one finger, and then hung them down at his crotch area. That wasn't his idea. Neither was the song. Especially since he would be the one singing it. "Hit it boys and girls!" The band began to play. "Sing this one with me. Everybody sing this one, I wanna hear everybody join in!" Kakashi began clapping his hands and singing. The crowd joined in. It was like the karoke night from Hell. The song oozed innuendo.

When I was a little bitty boy
My Grandmother bought me a cute little toy
Silver bells hanging on a string
She said it was my Ding a ling a ling

Oh my ding a ling, Everybody sing
I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling
Oh my ding a ling, my ding a ling
I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling

Kakashi swung his hips abruptly, causing a large number of teenage girls to squeal and fall to their knees. "I forgot to tell you it's a little jerk. Right there. A little jerk in it." He flipped his hip again. "Right there. Can't do without that jerk. Yeah." He took up where he had left off.

When I started Grammar School
I used to stop off in the vestibule
Every time that bell would ring
I'd take out my ding a ling a ling

Oh my ding a ling, Everybody sing
I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling
My ding a ling, my ding a ling
I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling

"Here comes that jerk again. Mmmm-mmm-mm-m. Does something good to ya." Kakashi's pelvic thrusts would have brought tears to the eyes of Elvis Presley."

Humpty dumpty on the wall
Humpty had an awful fall
When they went to tell the king
Caught him playing with his ding a ling

Oh my ding a ling, my ding a ling
Come on now everybody sing
My ding a ling, my ding a ling
I wanna play with my ding a ling

"Oh yeah, Got something to it!" Once again, the Copy Ninja did his thing. He copied the stylings of the original singer.

Remember the girl next door
We used to play house on the kitchen floor
I'd be king, she'd be queen
Together we'd play with our ding a ling a ling

My ding a ling, Oh my
I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling

"Mmmm-mmm-mm-m!" That time, it was Shino making the exclamation. He suddenly turned red, realizing that he had been loud enough to be heard by the people closest to him.

"Uhhh..." Choji began blushing too. He had begun swinging his huge hips whenever Kakashi made his exclamations. He had gotten into the song a bit too much himself.

"I'm glad that Asuma-sensei was not alive to see that," Shikamaru grumped.

"Why?" That was Hayama Shirakumo. He could easily been asking why he had a speaking part, since he was rarely shown in the anime and had never appeared in the manga. In the former, he had been assigned to patrol the northern borders along with Tekuno, and Kosuke Maruboshi after the Invasion of Konoha. When they had been ambushed by a group of ninja from Land of Earth. He had stayed behind to allow the other members of the squad time to escape and report to the village. Summoning a crossbow with explosive projectiles, he and Tekuno went on to wipe out most of the enemy shinobi. "Why would you say that, Shikamaru? Asuma probably would have joined in!"

"Geez." Shikamaru hung his head. "Just when things couldn't possible get more bothersome, they do." Bit players were able to disturb his peace, now. What next?

When they took me to Sunday School
Tried to teach me the golden rule
But every time the quire would sing
Catch me playing with my ding a ling

Oh my ding a ling, my ding a ling
I wanna play with my ding a ling
My ding... That's right... my ding a ling
I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling

Kakashi was about to say 'You know, I didn't hear everybody singing, Everybody joins in on tha chorus'. But, he had an incoming message. Breathless, the jounin put one hand to his ear so that he could better hear the small speaker clipped to his earlobe. The women were almost ready. It was time to explain the details to the rambunctious revelers. He could cut the song short, and most people wouldn't have a clue. "Thank you, folks. That was my singing debut. My first, and my last." He waved away the applause that followed. In solemn tones, he explained the history behind the night's event. He then brought things into the present, setting things up for the immediate future.

"I know that everyone has marvelled at this monstrosity." Kakashi pointed at the gigantic wooden wheel. "Lit up, it can be seen from miles around. It took hundreds of acres of deforestation to provide the wood. Skilled craftsmen from willages that we all knew... and from villages that were totally new... labored together for months to build this. Cooks, cleaners, and cottage owners provided more support than anyone can imagine. This has been a team effort." He wanted to add 'But I hardly feel like a good sport,' but couldn't get those words out. He wondered how many of the audience members were happy or excited in their own right, and how many were worried or distraught. He further wondered how the readership might feel.

"Later tonight, someone will get this wheel spinning, and the woman whose name ends up at the pointer will be rushed off to a cozy love nest with our hero, Uzumaki Naruto." That truth brought countless whistles and catcalls. Cheers rang out, and a number of different girl's names were chanted. "I'm certain that we can all imagine the things that will happen after that." That brought a number of groans from the back of the stage. Barely visible in the dark, a large group of women stood awaiting their introduiction. "As you know, there are people out there..." The masked ninja pointed at the sky, a metaphor for a world beyond there world. "...Who think that Naruto has been a virgin long enough."

"I bet nobody here thinks that!" Naruto jumped up on stage. He swallowed hard. "Do they?" He almost didn't want to hear the answer. So many people were partying like there was no tomorrow. "I mean... nobody wants it on their own, right?" He hung his head when a large number of people called out that they did think it was time that the boy became a man. He felt a small feeling of warmth spread throughout his body when a greater number of people answered in his favor. "Well... if that many of you will support me... then maybe we can find a way to stop all this nosnsense. I know that I would never stop fighting for all of you. I hope that none of you..." He looked around frantically when he began floating off the platform as if he was being lifted by a huge invisible hand. "Would ever... stop fighting...for me..." He tried to shake free, unsuccessfully. "Hey... what the hell is going on?"

"I'm sorry, Naruto." Kakashi watched as Naruto was placed down on circle of light that appeared in a clearing at the front of the stage. He frowned, seeing the mysterious enforcer standing there, making motions with his hand that translated to Naruto's movement. "Where was I? Oh. Right. Virgin. Well then, let's cut to the chase. It takes two to tango. And... as you might have noticed... there are no names or numbers on the wheel." He went on to explain that names would be painted on the white boards that had been hammered onto the wheel's slats. The names would be chosen by the crowd, from the bevy of babes that he would be introducing and speaking about.

"You guys will be chosing the names," the Copy Ninja stated. "But, before we get to that, it's time for a little odds making. For that, I will need the assistance of a genius."

"When it rains it pours." Shikamaru didn't look very happy. He had a sinking feeling that he was about to be troubled even more. He was correct. Kakashi called out his name and gave him a terse but cheerful introduction. He found himself floating upward, the same way that Naruto had. In a few moments, he found himself standing next to the masked ninja. "So... what exactly am I supposed to discuss?"

"There are fifty-two blank segments on the wheel" Kakshi pointed to the wheel again. The operators lit one slat after another, until all fifty-two had been illuminated. "There will be a name placed on each segment. It can be fifty-two separate names... one name fifty-two times... or usesful combinations in between."

"And you want me to factor out the probability of winning?" Shikamaru closed his eyes and sighed.

"Yes," Kakashi replied. "And I want you to come up with reasonable odds for the bettors, too."

"Bettors?" Shikamaru's eyes narrowed. Now, instead of his usual languid look of annoyance, he seemed rather angry. His posture was stiff. His hands clenched into fists. "With all of the other iniquities we've been forced to endure, we are now going to add gambling to the list? Illicit is bad enough! Illegal is out of the question." A large number of people called out their agreement.

"You're right," Kakashi said, spreading his arms. "But, the writer sent word that this will all serve a good purpose. The money that is bet will be pooled together. One third of the winnings will be split amongst those who hold a ticket with the winning girl's name. Another third will be donated to the Shinobi Wars Orphan and Widows Foundation. The remaining third will be given to a newly formed group of shinobi that has been formed from the surviving members of Root, and similar underground agencies from the other villages. They have named themselves SOY."

"SOY?" Shikamaru had properly capitalized the letters. Numerous other people had said the same thing at the same time. Some were wondering if the FanFic author was health concious.

"It stands for Stamp Out Yaoi," Kakashi explained. Not wanting to take the chance that proponents of alternate life styles might get into a heated shouting match or worse, he quickly added "And there will be donations to other worthy charities." He turned and looked to one corner of the stage. There were large carts there, loaded down with glossy publications. "There are photo-books that you can buy, so that you can look at glossy eight by tens during my introductions. They also contain more history and background than I'm going to give." Shinobi pushed the carts down large ramps and began making sales. "I'm going to contribute, too."

"I'll give you this if you will take off your mask!" A woman sat on her friend's shoulders. She held up enormous wads of money. Before he caught sight of her, Kakashi had been worried that she might be holding a bra or panties.

"Me too!" "And me!" "Me." "Me me me mememememe." "Don't forget me!" "Or me." Countless people yelled out. So much money was be waved about that the audience looked like a treetop swaying in a stiff breeze."

"I-" Kakashi coughed. That caught him off guard. "That would-" He felt as if he had been caught, hook line and sinker. "Alright..." The carts had already been emptied of photobooks. That was convenient. People began filling them up with money. When all of the money had been donated, he reluctantly pulled down his mask. Flashbulbs went off in abundance. Women and men alike swooned. When everyone had settled down again, the Copy Ninja was able to finish what he had intended to say earlier.

"I will be carrying on the Icha Icha series of books as the new author." That made sense to many people, seeing how much that the re-masked ninja loved that series. And, it was a commonly known fact that Kakashi had been taught by Minatao, who himself had been taught by Jiraiya, the original author. "The next book will be about this very night. It will hold secrets that no one knows but me. And..." He performed an admirable stage whisper. "...It will have a blow by blow account of the happy couple's special evening, no pun intended." After the crowd quieted down again, he fnished by saying "I will be giving half of the proceeds to the orpans and widows."

"Should we get to the odds part?" Shikamaru didn't want to be up on stage any longer than he had to.

"Sure. Go ahead. We would have been done by now if you you hadn't made such a big stink about the wagering." Kakashi winked.

"Alright." Shikamaru sucked in his breath, held it, and then let it out in a long sigh before doing his part. He placed his hands together the way that he often did when thinking through a plan. "A name that is placed on the wheel one time will have a 1.9 percent chance of winning. I would set betting at 50 to 1. The house edge will be 1.9 percent."

"That is correct," Neji said somewhere in the sudience. He was a genius, too.

"Shikamaru is so smart," Choji chirped.

"How about a name that is put on two times?" Some unknown person called that out.

"I was getting there," Shikamaru stated sourly. The probability of that name winning would be 3.9 percent. Reasonable odds would be 20 to 1. The house edge would be 19.2 percent."

"How about three times," another unseen person shouted.

"Hey! You let Shikamaru speak." Choji began growing in size. Soon enough, he towered over the crowd. Everyone went dead silent.

"I wonder if he can do that with his mrphl." Sai never got his final two-syallable word out. No one had any trouble guessing what word that would be.

"What are the odds that Mister Verbal Diarrhea gets gagged and thrown in a holding cell for the rest of the show?" Kiba wasn't the only one who found Sai's personality a bit off-putting. Some people offered donations towards having Sai silenced. Finding his behavior refreshing, a similar number of people made counter-offers.

"For four sectors," Shikamarus said in a bit of a rush, not wanting the crowd to get out of hand. He signalled to Choji, who picked up Sai and took to him to an unannounced location. "The chance of winning would be 7.7 percent. Odds would be 10 to 1. House edge would also be 7.7 percent. For eight sectors, the probability would increase to 15.4 percent... odds would drop to 5 to 1... and house edge would be 7.7 percent. For twelve sectors, the numbers would be 23.1 percent, 3 to 1, and 7.7 percent. The largest number of sectors that can easily be factored is twenty-four. That would generate 46.2 percent of winning... 1 to 1 odds... and an edge of 7.7 percent." He turned to Kakashi. "May I go now?"

"Sure," the Copy Ninja said. "Unless you want to put on a dress and join them." He motioned back towards the waiting women.

"Funny," Shikamaru said. He wasn't going to dignifiy Kakashi with anything more than that. He jumped off the stage and went looking for a bottle of aspirin.

"So, there you have it. If the math is correct... and we all know it will be..." Kakashi said. "...We need to come up with combinations of one, two, four, eight, twelve, and twenty four. We could do the fifty-two thing, but that wouldn't leave any room for betting and charitable donations. Either way, we need to know the girls that we can choose from." That brong a long drawn out series of applause. One group of drunken ninja started The Wave in the crowd. Whichever Kage they were honorbound to would like have a very choice assignment picked out for them come the next dawn.

"It's your time, ladies!" Kakashi raised both arms. Fireworks streaked skyward. After they had all exploded, the lights all came on again.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

For those who didn't recognize the songs and the singers, here are the details:

'I'm Too Sexy'

By the English trio Right Said Fred. 1992. Topped the American charts for three weeks.

'My Ding A Ling'

By Chuck Berry. 1972. The only single of his that topped the Pop charts.