Broken (Chapter 4)
"Supreme control of the heart is the most significant achievement a person can ever hope to attain for it alone is the seat of all emotions. Hurt and anguish, jealousy and greed…nothing good can ever come from it. Rage, revenge, retribution? All of it leads man down a forbidden path he should never be on. What good can ever come from it?
Happiness, ecstasy, and love…ah, love…it is the vilest of all emotions because it can bring such overwhelming joy when first found, but it will only lead to the most agonizing pain, destroying a life. It can cloud the mind and shield the eyes from what is real; it tricks the body into believing they need that person in order to survive. And when it is lost…it causes the heart as well as the soul to die…"
Looking up from the journal, Richard pondered the words he had just read as he stared into the dancing flames softly licking the logs in the fireplace. While he whole-heartedly agreed with Da'Tavius about rage and retribution, he could not agree with his views on love. Kahlan and her love had brought him so much happiness and peace, had taught him so much more about himself. Everything that he was and would ever be was because of her.
She was his reason for living, for waking every morning. Her love nourished and sustained him, gave him a purpose and hope, made all of his fantasies come true beyond his wildest expectations. Without her, life would be empty and hollow.
His mind began to slowly drift over all the times when he had come so close to losing her, moments when he had in fact felt as if his heart had been truly failing him because she was in danger. The horror of watching her fight in battle, never knowing if they would survive or wondering when the Keeper was going to strike next, taking her away from him forever – it all reminded him of the anguish that love can bring.
Maybe Da'Tavius was correct in his assumptions. Love could indeed lead to the deadliest form of pain…
"My brother-in-law Silas visited me today. I had not seen him in well over a year. While I thought that I had gained some ground in controlling my heart through my mind alone, seeing Silas today proved to me just how much more work is required in this pursuit...my sister Tressa is failing and will soon be gone forever. I am doing my best to not allow the thought of losing my sister dominate me, but alas, I am failing in this regard…It is proving most difficult and has renewed my determination to complete my quest…"
Narrowing his gaze, Richard thoughtfully ran his fingers over the page, noticing the periodic smears in the ink, the dried teardrops that had marred the page where Da'Tavius had written about his sister's impending death, a lasting reminder and evidence of his struggle with his heart.
"…I went to the central library of the Keep in search of the spell I would need in order to achieve ultimate control. Regrettably, I was unable to locate the spell I so desperately need and had to leave before I could find it. I will try again tomorrow…"
"…I wish there was something I could do to save my Tressa, but not even a Wizard of the First Order can prevent suffering and death. Perhaps once I have obtained victory over my emotions, I can focus my attentions on other things such as preventing pain and suffering…"
Reading the rambling thoughts the Wizard had written, Richard felt as though he had crawled inside of Da'Tavius's mind and heart, like he was walking around in the Wizard's skin. As hard as Da'Tavius was trying to find a way to control his emotions through sheer will alone, Richard could still feel his pain through his writings, his hurt and frustration as if it were literally happening to him.
He felt his chest tightening with grief from the impending death of Tressa, tears attempting to rise to the surface. He felt his gut twisting into knots of frustration, his heart beginning to pound with the direness of the situation. He could sense Da'Tavius's desperate need for control, the weight of the burden this man carried as the leader of the First Oder.
Carrying a heavy weight himself, Richard Cypher Rahl, the Seeker of Truth and heir to the throne of D'Hara, knew that profound burden all too well. It lay bare on his soul like an open wound that would never heal no matter how badly he wanted it to. His rage and heritage was like a heavy stone tied so firmly around his heart that he felt as though he were suffocating at times as it attempted to drag him down into the murky depths of insanity and failure.
He could not lose control. He could not let the world down, let his grandfather down, let his friends down…he could never live with letting his wife down. There was no room for failure, no room for the minutest error. The slightest deviation in his anger could send him spiraling into a cyclone of uncontrollable rage that could raze all of Aydindril and beyond. Kahlan would never want him if he lost that grip on his fury. The thought caused an icy chill of dread to suddenly settle over him like a heavy cloak.
And it didn't help that he carried a weapon that fed that rage, nourished and replenished it, filling his soul to overflowing at times so much so that it made it difficult to draw his next breath. It always lingered there just beneath the surface, a palpable thing just waiting to be unleashed when given a sliver of a chance.
Richard knew he could never give that rage an opening. Despite how difficult and emotional it was reading the journal, he knew he had to push on. He had to find the answers he needed before his nightmare became a reality. He silently vowed that if he ever felt that animalistic rage taking over his mind again, he would end his life right then and there before it took him over completely. He would rather die than ever lay a hand on Kahlan or anyone else that he loved.
Swallowing back the terror that had a death-grip on his heart, Richard continued reading.
"A life free from emotions is an existence of balance and peace. It is true freedom from the chaos that feelings and emotions can bring to the heart and mind, obscuring judgment and reason…man needs a clear, rational mind in order to bring peace and harmony to the world around him…"
"What are you reading?"
"What has history taught us except that man is evil when ruled by his emotions, his rage, his blood-thirsty craving for revenge and death? It has led to nothing but destruction and pain…"
"Richard?"
"I tell you this, my friend, ultimate control of one's heart is the only answer to life…you must rule your heart before your heart rules you…"
"Richard?"
Richard flinched at the feel of her gentle touch, startled by the sensation of her fingers stroking up and down his arm. So absorbed by the journal, he had been completely oblivious to Kahlan climbing into bed with him.
"Are you alright?"
"Yes…I was just…reading," he murmured, bewildered by the fact that he had been so distracted with his thoughts and the journal again.
When he read Da'Tavius's book, he felt as though he lost all sense of time, the book dragging him into its pages and not willing to release him anytime soon. It was growing harder and harder to pull himself from it, but Kahlan lying naked in bed with him definitely did the trick this time.
"What are you reading?" Kahlan asked as she ran her fingers tenderly along the side of his face, her eyes drinking in his handsome features.
"It's just a journal that a Wizard kept a long time ago."
"Where did you find it?"
"In the Keep," he told her, quickly closing the book and placing it on the bedside table. "I came across it when Zedd, Cara, and I went there to clean up the Crypt of Secrets."
She leaned in, lying on her side and pressing her body closer to his, her lips whispering along his cheek to his ear. Her hand began stroking enticingly along the hardened planes of his chest while her other hand played with the long strands of hair that hung at the nape of his neck. Richard moaned softly, the feel of her nails gently caressing his flesh and stirring the smoldering flames of his desire for her. His eyes fell closed as he gave himself over to her loving touch.
"What's it about?" she murmured softly, her fingers gradually working their way lower and lower, teasing his abdominals and skimming along the top of his sleeping pants.
"A Wizard…he had some theories…Kahlan…" Richard gasped her name, his chest beginning to rise and fall in a rapidly increasing rhythm, her teeth and tongue grazing over the tendon that ran the length of his neck.
"What theories?" Kahlan softly prodded a little further with a smirk, not really interested but definitely enjoying the reaction she was eliciting in him.
His voice was growing huskier, his words becoming raspier. She could feel his heart thumping faster in his chest as his hand began snaking over her back. She loved the way he responded to her, how she was almost instantly able to awaken his need, how immediately distracted he could become by her.
"Theories?" he asked in a strangled voice.
Richard was rapidly losing the ability to form coherent thoughts. At this point, he didn't think he could even remember his own name let alone anything about that book he had been reading as Kahlan began to blaze a trail of hot wet kisses along his collarbone, her hand tugging on the laces of his pants. He was beginning to wonder why he had even put them on before climbing into bed tonight.
He allowed Kahlan to remove the only barrier that separated them from being flesh against flesh. Now free of any obstacles, he quickly flipped her over eliciting a delighted giggle that vibrated from her throat. He loved her laugh. It always created tingles of arousal to shoot up his spine.
Kahlan adored it when he laid on top of her, his body molding with hers and pressing her into the mattress. He always worried that he was smashing her, but she craved it. She felt so safe and loved when his body covered hers.
His lips quickly searched out hers, his tongue requesting entrance to the sweet warmth of her mouth. His tongue began teasing hers, savoring the feel of her soft flesh pressed against his, not sure of where one ended and the other began.
"Are you sure I didn't wear you out today?" she asked with a grin, her words airy and light from the passion of his kiss.
"Never," he whispered against her skin with a soft chuckle, the worries and fears that the journal had churned up within him quickly evaporating in the midst of his fiery need. "Thank you for today, for showing me your favorite place. I absolutely loved every single minute I spent with you," he softly told her as he paused to kiss the tip of her nose and to stare into the striking blue orbs that stirred his soul.
"I love you so much, Richard," she murmured as she reached up to gently brush aside a strand of hair that had fallen across his forehead.
"Forever, my Kahlan," he whispered tenderly upon her lips before surrendering to his deep-seated hunger once more.
XXX
"And where were you all day yesterday?"
By the heated tone of her voice, Richard knew he was in more trouble than he cared to admit. It was going to be most difficult trying to assuage the Mord'Sith from the ire that was obviously burning within her and likely had been from the moment she had discovered that he and Kahlan were gone. He came to a stop and turned to face the assault that he knew was coming.
"I was out with Kahlan all day," he cheerfully told her, a grin spreading across his face as he recalled the intimate details of his day with her. It had been euphoric. He couldn't wait to escape with her again to their private paradise on that mountain.
"You and the Mother Confessor cannot just leave on a whim or whenever you two fancy to sneak away for a private play date," she adamantly declared as she came to stand before the Lord Rahl, her face already set with irritation and exasperation.
"You and Kahlan are highly important people. You two are the ruling authority in this territory and should be in D'Hara if I can ever talk some sense into that thick head of yours. You can't just be traipsing around Aydindril like it's your own private playground. Even though the Keeper has been defeated, there are still people out there who would like to see the two of you dead, namely your brother Darken Rahl who is out there somewhere plotting his return at this very moment..."
"Cara…"
"How can I keep an eye on you when I don't even know where you are? I have sworn to protect the two of you and I can't very well do that if you…"
By now, the Mord'Sith was pacing back and forth before Richard, waving her hands about as she rambled on in frustration. It brought a small smile to the Seeker's face to witness just how much she cared about them. If she didn't, she wouldn't be here now vehemently reprimanding him for leaving without telling her.
"Cara!"
"What?" she suddenly yelled as she came to a stop when she realized Richard had been calling her name.
"We love you too," he told her with a grin.
Taken aback, the only response the Mord'Sith could muster at that point was a frown, her eyebrows narrowed in bewilderment. She had not expected this sort of reaction from her tirade. Eyeing her Lord Rahl, she could tell he was not teasing. He truly meant the words that he had said to her.
"Just make sure you tell me next time when you plan on leaving," she mumbled with a forced scowl, her fire having been totally doused by his heart-felt words.
"I will, Cara," he sighed, knowing that yesterday was likely the last day that he and Kahlan were able to escape unseen. "Have you seen Zedd? I have something I wanted to talk to him about."
"He left yesterday to visit with some old friends. Said he's be back in a couple of days or so," she told him as she began to walk with him. "Anything I can help you with?"
"No," he murmured absentmindedly.
He had wanted to talk to Zedd about Da'Tavius's journal. There were some things that he was having trouble sorting through. There was something about the journal that had captured his attention and was not about to let go. He found himself rereading certain passages, the words rolling over and over in his mind.
He couldn't stop thinking about the diary and the things that Da'Tavius had written. The strange connection he was feeling with this Wizard was growing stronger by the day. He was hoping his grandfather might be able to help shed some light on the journal, who Da'Tavius actually was and what had happened to him.
"Miss Cara, I have some plans I wanted to review with you if you have some time tomorrow," Edmond called, coming around the corner from behind them, his brow furrowed as he scanned the documents in hand.
"You're not running interference for Lord Rahl and the Mother Confessor so they can run off again are you?" Cara asked with suspicion. She already had a funny feeling that Edmond knew more than he was letting on yesterday.
"Why no, Miss Cara!" Edmond replied in mock surprise. "I would never dream of coming between your duty and the safety of Miss Kahlan and Mr. Cypher."
Cara's lips twitched, her eyebrow cocked in suspicion. "I hope not, Ed. I like you. I'd really hate to have to hurt you."
"Wait a minute," Richard abruptly interjected. "I thought that you and Kahlan were meeting all morning to catch up on prisoner transfers?"
"We did that this morning, but its afternoon now," Edmond replied, his brow drawn in confusion. "Kahlan went down to the prison to see the new arrivals that came in the other day and hear their confessions."
"What?" Richard yelled, anger and worry suddenly flooding his soul. "I told Kahlan to not go down there unless I was with her."
"The captain of the prison guards always accompanies the Mother Confessor as she makes her rounds with the prisoners. I assure you that she is quite safe, Mr. Cypher," Edmond attempted to reassure him.
Richard, however, never heard the last part of Edmond's words as he took off for the dungeons in the lower level of the Confessor's Palace. Cara followed closely behind him, confused by his sudden reaction and wanting to be ready in case she was needed to protect them.
"Lord Rahl, what is it?"
Richard felt his anger escalating with every step he took as he raced down the corridor. Kahlan knew that he did not want her down there especially without him to protect her from the detestable beasts she would come in contact with. Kahlan still went down there in spite of his feelings on the matter, completing ignoring what he had said.
Richard found himself clenching his fists and grinding his teeth, the heat of his anger filling every fiber of his being. How could she do this to him? He knew it was her duty as the Mother Confessor to take their confessions and pass judgment, but he was her husband now and there were some things he did not approve of her doing any more.
"Richard!"
"What?" Richard yelled as he skidded to a stop and abruptly spun on Cara.
His chest was heaving, his eyes filled with anger. It caused Cara to pause a moment before speaking again.
"What's wrong? Is Kahlan in danger?"
"Yes, she's in danger! She's in that dungeon with those filthy animals and I'm not there to keep her safe!"
Cara watched in stunned silence as he abruptly turned on his heel and raced down the steps that would lead them to the prisons. She quickly took off after him, her mind sorting through the possible dangers that Kahlan had stumbled upon down there.
She and Edmond had reviewed the prisoners that had arrived the other day. They were accused of the typical crimes. Murder, rape, theft. There was nothing that she was certain Kahlan had not encountered before. Besides, the Mother Confessor was anything but helpless. She was puzzled by Lord Rahl's strange reaction, but decided it was best to stay on guard none the less.
Making their way past the prison gate and down the long winding corridor of the prison, Cara's hands automatically went for her agiels when she heard Kahlan's scream…
