Story: I Feel it All

Chapter Four, Lover I Don't Have to Love

Author: Bellakatalina

Rating: PG-13 for now I might change it later.

Summary: Takes place after A Thin Line between Chuck and Nate. The story starts as soon as Blair leaves the bar with Chuck. Blair doesn't runaway she stays and decides to disappear.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl…

"You write such pretty words
But life's no storybook
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt.
Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do

Then hurt me."

Lover I Don't Have to Love, Bright Eyes

Chuck Bass was not in a good mood. He should be in St. Martin, on the beach with a pair of topless beauties sitting beside him. But, Blair Waldorf had ruined his week on the beach as well as most things in his life already. So instead, Chuck was sitting in the Palace bar, drinking Scotch, and thinking about how all his problems had started. It was all due to one beautiful petite brunette. Scratch that- Blair Waldorf should not be described as any of those things, she should be described as a cold-hearted bitch Chuck decided.

Chuck waved the bartender over to get another Scotch. Chuck scrolled through his phone looking for someone to call tonight. Yes, there were plenty of females Chuck could call, but it was not what he wanted. Chuck missed his foursome. He had been friends with Nate, Serena, and Blair since childhood, and couldn't believe he had alienated himself from all three. Even the family he wanted so desperately he couldn't be a part of because his future step sister had invited along her best friend. Chuck did not runaway from things, never. But, spending a week surrounded by Blair Waldorf would have been unbearable. So now, Chuck had disappointed his father by canceling last minute, as well. Chuck grabbed his new glass and took a sip.

He had attempted to make amends with Nate, but he wouldn't even listen to Chuck. At the time, Chuck new that Nate would be angry, but he didn't expect their friendship to end. If only he hadn't kept the truth from Nate, he should have told him what was going on between he and Blair. Maybe Nate would have accepted it, then again maybe not. Blair was the one who slept with both of them, although it was so hypocritical of Nate to be mad at Blair when he had cheated with Serena while dating Blair. But then again, Nate had confessed. Well, he had confessed months later. Analyzing the situation was giving Chuck a headache.

'Nathaniel Archibald doesn't deserve Blair Waldorf. He had never appreciated her. Damn it, Nate hadn't even wanted Blair until I had brought her out of her unhappiness. I had made her come alive' Chuck thought as he swirled his Scotch in his glass.

Chuck also knew that he probably shouldn't have gone after Blair to begin with, but there was something about her. Chuck had always wanted her, yet more than that Chuck had always cared for Blair. He couldn't remember the countless times he had been there to comfort Blair or manipulate events in their life to make her happy. He had always lied to himself by saying he was doing it to help Nathaniel, not wanting to admit the truth. Chuck wanted Blair, but he wanted her completely. Chuck had never been in a relationship, he didn't know the first thing about serious dating, but for Blair he would have been willing to try. Blair had awoken the butterflies.

'Stupid slut.'

Chuck's current plan was to get as drunk as possible, and he was well on his way as he slammed down another empty glass. Chuck eyed the bar searching for a female who could help him forget, for the night at least. Unfortunately, nothing was appealing. Except for a slim brunette.

'No. No brunettes.'

"Another Scotch." Chuck said not meeting the bartender's face. He gazed into his glass of Scotch knowing his drink held all the answers.

"Chuck-"a timid voice said bringing him out of his stupor. She sat down on the barstool next to him. The bartender approached them. "I'll have what he's having." She said softly still waiting for Chuck to respond.

"What do you want, Waldorf?" Chuck asked looking at her for a second before looking back at his glass.

"Chuck, I'm sorry. I …I uh just wanted to apologize and explain to you-"

"You know as much as I love that you are here throwing yourself at me again, I thought I made myself perfectly clear last time. I do not want you." Chuck breathed out as he took a sip of his drink.

"I know you're mad at me, and I don't blame you." Blair said ready to try again but Chuck interrupted her once again.

"Blair you disgust me. I just wanted to be the first to get what you prized saving so much. Thank you for giving it to me so easily. That was all it was. So, if you don't mind, leave." Chuck finished still not meeting Blair's eyes.

Tears were threatening to fall out of her eyes as she took his words in processing Chuck's hurtful words slowly.

"Is that honestly how you feel about me?" Blair whispered.

"Do you honestly need me to clarify my feelings for you?" Chuck said harshly. He heard a whimper of a 'yes' before continuing, "You are the pathetic girl, who will never get the attention you fantasize you deserve. Compared to Serena's beauty no one will ever notice you. I enjoyed you while you were a novelty, but now I can't see what you could possibly offer anyone." Chuck said lying to himself as well as Blair. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Blair's tears coming out of her eyes.

"Thank you." Blair said through her tears watching Chuck for any sign he didn't believe his words.

Blair's answer surprised him. He was shocked enough to look up at the broken girl before him.

"What else, Chuck? What else do you hate about me?" she looked at him pleadingly.

Chuck looked at the agony in her eyes and couldn't understand why Blair was accepting this additional pain

'Why is she doing this?'

As angry as Chuck was he couldn't do this to her. Because he was drunk he hadn't realized what Blair was doing, but he wouldn't keep playing her sick game of giving her more ammunition to hate herself, but he didn't want to have to confess his true feelings either. He wanted to escape.

"If you won't leave, allow me." Chuck said as he slammed down his empty glass of Scotch and left the bar. As he turned towards the elevator, he saw Blair stay stationary on the barstool and order another drink. Chuck walked to the night manager of the Palace.

"Please make sure Miss Waldorf arrives home safely, or put her in a room for the night." Chuck said as he handed the man a large bill without anyone being any the wiser.

"Of course, sir." The manager replied knowing if a Bass was issuing an order it was to be followed.

Chuck pulled out his cell phone once again. Maybe the number of one the many females was all he needed for the night, Chuck decided as he roamed the list trying to decide which lucky woman he would call for tonight. He dialed the digits as the elevator doors closed. Anything to get his mind off Blair Waldorf, and the miserable look on her face.

Blair sat at the bar drinking by herself. At least she knew the truth she thought sadly. But, Blair had also wanted to let Chuck know the truth, her explanation for her actions. He wouldn't let her say her words. She replayed their conversation over in her head as she drank, mildly aware that someone was watching her. After her third Scotch, Blair was becoming affected by the alcohol. Blair was a light weight on a good day, but since she had nearly no food in her stomach it was getting to her much more quickly. The man approached Blair.

"Miss Waldorf? I believe it is time to get you home." He said watching as Blair tried to steady herself against the bar. He put a hand on her back to keep her from falling off of the barstool.

"Don't touch me!" She snapped quickly. "Who are you? Ho-How do you know me or who I am?" Blair asked belligerently.

"Relax Miss Waldorf, I am the night manager here. Mr. Bass asked me to make sure you got home safely.

"He did?" Blair asked her eyes beginning to fill with hope. "Chuck, asked you to watch out for me?" She eyed him carefully.

"Yes, miss. Now, would you like me to call you a cab, or would you like a room?" the manager finished.

"Actually, I think I will go to Chuck's suite." Blair said standing.

"Very well miss. Would you like some assistance?" He asked Blair unsure if she would be able to make it to Chuck's suite on her own. Blair only glared at him in reply.

"Actually, I think I will stay here, good evening." The manager replied walking towards his desk.

Blair took a few bills out of her purse and laid it down for her drinks. The walk to the elevator was not a graceful one for Blair, but she did succeed in not falling over completely. Her stomach grew nervous on the way to Chuck's floor.

'Butterflies?' Blair thought smiling softly. She wasn't sure exactly what she was going to say, but if he had really had the manager watch her maybe he did still care. Blair knew better than anyone that Chuck was an amazing liar.

She knocked loudly on the door. The seconds seemed to pass unbearably slowly. Finally, a sleepy-eyed, still-drunk, Chuck wearing only a pair of boxer-briefs answered the door, only opening it enough for his face to peer out. His forehead wrinkled as he saw Blair. She squeezed her eyes shut because she was not sure if she could stand to look into his intense eyes as she confessed.

"Chuck-listen. It is your turn to listen to me. I was scared Chuck! Scared of what it would be like to be in a relationship with you! And, I was mad at you for ruining my cotillion because I thought that proved you didn't care about me. That's why I went-"At that moment Blair opened her eyes, momentarily finding the confidence to look into Chuck's eyes, until she saw a naked female lying on Chuck's bed.

Blair speech came to a halt as she looked from the bed to Chuck her mouth hanging open.

"Oh." Blair said quietly.

'Of course I was wrong! I asked him for the truth. Why would he have lied to me? Why was I trying to give myself false hope? He said he didn't want me, repeatedly!' Blair thought bitterly. She felt like such a fool.

"I'm-I'm sorry." Blair whispered under her breathe, closing her eyes so the tears would not escape. She turned on her heel, running for the elevator, and ignoring Chuck calling her name. Blair had to get out of the Palace, as far away as possible from Chuck and his slut for the night. Blair controlled her tears until she stepped into the cab and then she broke down completely.

Blair was hysterical when she arrived home. She ran up the stairs heading straight for her mother's bathroom. Blair slammed open the medicine cabinet knocking over pill bottles until she found the one she wanted. Blair carried the bottle of Valium back to her room stopping by the bar to prepare herself a drink. Something smoother than Scotch to take with the pills. As she got in bed she took two Valiums and two Ambiens washing it down with her cocktail. Blair cried until the pills had their affect and Blair fell to a peaceful sleep.

Forgotten on the floor Blair's phone buzzed softly. The missed calls and text messages were beginning to add up.

Gossip Girl: Apparently while Little J has been making a name for herself B is disgracing hers further. Who knew that was possible?

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A/N

Hey everyone, so thanks again for continuing to read my story. Even bigger thank you for everyone for reviewing. So, I decided to try and include a little bit more of Chuck's point of view because I feel he was pretty hurt from everything too. Let me know what you think, and thank you so very much for all of the support! Fair warning though, I usually write while I am at work, but I won't be working again until Saturday. I promise to try and get an update before then!