Chapter Four:

"Hungry?"

"I could eat," she said.

He smiled.

He liked this new ease between them.

They continued the light bantering as he made dinner.

"Grissom, you said I'm not dating anyone…right?" she asked during dinner.

"Right."

She said nothing but moved the food around on her plate.

He pretended not to notice as he took a bite.

"Do I uhm…sleep around?" she asked.

He choked.

He quickly grabbed his glass of water.

"Excuse me?" he asked.

"Do I uhm sleep around?" she asked.

"No."

His eyes pierced hers.

"But, yet I'm not seeing anyone?"

"No."

Her fork hit the plate.

"What are you hiding from me?" she asked.

He swallowed hard.

"Hiding?"

"You can tell me," she said. "I'm a slut, right? I don't date men but I bring men home for one nighters? Right? It's the reason Hank dumped me. I'm right, aren't I?"

"No! You don't sleep around! You're not with Hank because that bastard was already engaged and he was just using you…" he stopped suddenly.

"So I'm gullible…I let men use me," she said.

"No! Hank was scum…he fooled all of us…we never would have let you continue dating him if we had known," he said.

She smiled slightly.

She sat there quietly.

"Sara?"

Her eyes met his.

"You don't sleep around."

"Yes…I do."

"Why do you say that?" he asked.

"Grissom, I'm trained to notice things…I found a condom discarded in the waste basket in my bathroom."

He blinked.

She stared at him.

"See, even my best friend didn't know about the incident. I had sex with someone I don't even remember. I'm a slut."

"No! You're not! Stop saying that."

She pushed the plate away.

"Who was it then?" she asked. "Anyone you know?"

He gulped.

Tell her…

If you do, all of the pain will come back…

She'll remember it all…

Leave it in the past…

She retreated to the couch.

He quickly came and sat across from her.

"Sara, you're nothing like that. You would never just have sex."

"So…I made love to someone I don't even remember," she said.

He felt the sweat bead over his forehead.

She stared at him but then sighed as she leaned back closing her eyes.

"I know what you're doing…it's okay…stop protecting me," she said. "I'm a big girl…I need to lie in the bed I've made."

"Sara…"

"I'm going to sleep now," she said.

"You okay?"

"Am I a good friend…to you?" she asked.

"The best," he managed to get out.

"I'm glad," she whispered. "I don't think I'm a good friend to myself."

He wasn't sure when he drifted off to sleep in the chair.

He woke to find a blanket had been tossed over him.

His eyes scanned the room but she was nowhere.

He quickly jumped up and ran into the bedroom but the room was empty.

"Sara!"

He turned and noticed the side door was open slightly.

He quickly stepped outside and found her sitting on the deck.

"Hey," she said softly. "I uhm couldn't sleep anymore."

He sat down beside her.

"Flowers are beautiful," she said.

"I like to plant them for the insects," he said.

"It figures," she said.

He grinned.

"Grissom?"

"Hmmm?"

"You uhm ever miss something?" she asked.

"You mean overlook something? I have…that's why it's good to have fresh eyes on a crime scene…"

"No, I mean do you ever miss someone?" she asked.

"Yes…I do."

"Someone you love?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Why uhm aren't you with that person?" she asked.

"I can't," he said softly.

"Sorry," she said.

He held her hand.

She swiped at her eyes.

"You okay?" he asked quickly.

"No…I'm not," she said. "It hurts," she said softly.

"I'm sorry honey. Your head will get better," he said.

"It's not my head…that hurts," she said.

He stared at her.

"I think my heart is broken," she said between bouts of tears.

She cursed as her head began to pound.

"You shouldn't get upset," he whispered.

"Grissom?"

"Hmmm?"

"I'm uhm…I think there's something wrong with me," she said.

"Why do you think that?" he asked quickly.

"I can't remember things," she said. "Things I need to remember."

"Give it a few days," he said.

"God Grissom, I slept with someone and I can't even remember it. I could come face to face with him and wouldn't know it."

You are…

I'm right here…

"Is that a bad thing?" he asked. "Maybe you decided it was a mistake."

She quickly shook her head. "That's not the way it feels. It hurts…because I'm not with that person…maybe he didn't want me…maybe once we…maybe I wasn't good enough."

"That's not true!" he said.

"How do you know? You didn't even know I was seeing anyone," she said. "If he loved me why hasn't he called? My phone has been silent since this happened."

She hit the planter with her foot and she winced from the pain.

"Feel better now that you've picked on that planter?" he teased.

"I don't understand. I can't even remember you….that makes me sad. I want to remember us."

No, you don't…

"The past doesn't matter," he said quickly. "What matters is the present…here and now."

She leaned over and kissed him ever so lightly on the cheek.

"Did we ever fight?" she asked. "By the looks of my apartment, I think I have a temper."

"Yes…you do but so do I," he said.

"You didn't answer…did we fight?"

"Sometimes," he said. "The fact we're here together shows that we didn't let that come between us."

"Do we uhm work good together?" she asked.

"Yes, we do. There's no one I'd rather work with than you."

She smiled.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

"Some."

He pulled her up by the hand and led her inside.

He made her a cup of tea and she took it.

"Grissom, you should go into work tonight," she said. "I'll be fine on my own."

He hesitated for a moment.

"I think I should go home…to my apartment," she said.

"Why?"

"Because…you have one bed…you're a good friend and I don't want to screw that up," she said. "I'm feeling better. "

"Stay for a few more days," he said.

"Will you go to work?" she asked.

"Call me…if you get to feeling…check in," he said.

She sat there staring at the empty townhouse. She had already pilfered through his collection of books. She had found one of her favorites and had taken it to the couch intent to read it but had to stop when her eyes blurred and the intensity of the pain made her wish she had not skipped the last dosage of pain medicine.

He had called a few times.

Each time, she had sounded cheerful and upbeat but with each click of the phone, she felt a bit odd as if she was forgetting to do something. She sat there and tried to rack her brain but nothing came except for the overwhelming sense of loss. She had no idea why she felt that way but she did. With each hour she spent alone, the intensity grew until she sat there racked with sobs. It did not make sense. She cursed at the scrambled mess of her brain. She challenged herself to trivia for fear she had seriously suffered some form of brain damage. She even researched brain injuries and tried to come up with a reasonable explanation for the way she felt.

Nothing made sense.

Nothing felt right except for letting the tears flow.

She decided she would let herself have a good meltdown.

She was alone and she had plenty of time to pick herself up before Grissom came home.

She had tried everything else and nothing had seemed to help.

Perhaps she needed to fall apart in order to feel whole again.

It kind of made sense as she let go and accepted the feelings.

She was not prepared for the intensity of the emotions.

She wrapped herself into a ball and gripped the pillow with both fists as she cried into it.

It had to be the best meltdown she had ever had or at least she could remember.

It felt good at the moment until her head joined in and suddenly it was as if someone was using a sledge hammer to the inside of her head.

She was so blinded by the pain and the grief she did not hear him enter the room.

She did feel warm strong arms embrace her as he gently rocked her back and forth and soothed her heart.

He kissed her gently on the forehead and then his lips kissed away the tears on her cheeks, resting briefly on her lips.

She felt cherished as he continued to hold her softly stroking her hair.

"What can I do?" he whispered.

"Don't let go," she whispered.

"I won't," he said.

"Griss?"

"Yes?"

"Were we ever lovers?" she asked.

His body froze.

Note from author:

Okay, so I like to have Grissom squirm a little. Now remember, it has been awhile since I have done humor…angst is my favorite but I have tried my hand at it so be kind. Leave a review!

Take care,

Penny